4x22 Ezria Continuation
"Well, I guess this is goodbye, then," Ezra stated sullenly. He watched Aria's face slightly before recovering. Ezra wasn't planning to move, he was planning on giving Aria space and waiting for her to realize she wanted him back. However, that dreamy moment of realization seemed like it wouldn't happen anytime soon.
Aria ducked her head and started walking towards the door she had walked out of so many times. But every time she had walked out, she would walk back in within a day. Stepping slowly towards the door, she realized it would be the last time. She would never be coming back to Apartment 3B. She had no reason to.
Ezra watched as she walked towards the door and inhaled sharply. He instinctively grabbed her arm and turned her around. Aria physically flinched and when she met his eyes, he could read the clear fear in them. He gulped realizing she was still slightly afraid of him. Ezra sighed and felt tears brim his eyes for the hundredth time that week. He had really screwed this up. "Please don't leave," he pleaded, his low voice cracking with every word.
Aria shook her head and looked up at Ezra. Usually when she looked him dead in the eye, it was out of love and devotion, but right now, Aria looked at him with pure distaste. Not hatred, though. She could never hate someone she loved so much. "Ezra, I don't think I should."
"Why?" Ezra asked, closing the distance between them. "Can't we just talk, please?"
"I don't want to talk!" Aria screamed. "We have talked, Ezra. I talked to you about my friends' problems, I talked to you about my dad's affair, and I talked to you about what really happened with Jenna. And all you did was write in for your stupid book! You never even cared!" she spat, seconds away from beating the shit out of him like Riley had suggested.
"Of course I cared!" Ezra argued. "I care about you, Aria. If you think I don't, you're wrong."
Aria rolled her eyes. "Then why," Aria questioned, her voice quivering, but remaining strong, "did you do what you did?"
"I wanted to just figure it out. I wanted to just know what happened and be the hero and solved the puzzle. I never meant to hurt you or your friends. I know I screwed up, Aria, I know that. And I know why you can't forgive me, but I really wish I could have another chance."
Aria's jaw dropped open as she gaped at him. "Another chance?" she repeated, letting out a bitter laugh after those two words. Ezra swallowed a lump down his throat. He had never been so scared of a 5'2 teenage girl. With the current state of his apartment and Aria's bitter tone, he was a little terrified of her. Alison had never even intimidated him this much and she was Alison.
"Ezra, I've given you chance after chance. It's ridiculous how many chances I've given you. After Jackie, after Maggie, after everything you've done wrong," Aria yelled. Reflecting on all their relationship mishaps, her voice broke and she started to crumble. "This isn't what love is. Love isn't someone breaking my heart once every three months! You've broken me so many times before, I won't let you again." Aria wiped a few frustrated tears from her cheeks and her gaze lingered on his nearly vacant desk. He put a few of his knick knacks back on the table, but in addition to the decorations, was the picture frame of them smiling together, covered with scotch tape.
"I can never forgive you for this," Aria sobbed.
Ezra, for the first time that night, let his tears fall. Aria whimpered when she saw him hurting, briefly realizing this was him hurting too, but couldn't find it in her to care. Ezra stepped closer to her and gently, tenderly clasped his hand around her forearm. "Please, please don't say that."
Aria wrenched her arm away and raised her hand to his face, ready to slap him. Ezra read it before it came and flinched backwards. Aria sighed and pulled her hand down. She didn't even have the energy fight with him. "I need to ask you a lot of things, Ezra. I'm not forgiving you, but there's stuff that I want… I need… to know."
"Anything, Aria," Ezra agreed, grasping at straws. "You want to sit?"
Aria sighed and nodded. "Fine." Ezra smiled faintly and stepped toward the couch. He glanced behind him, briefly looking at Aria, who was focused on her nails. He thanked the heavens for that and swept papers and pictures away in one motion from the sofa. Aria looked up when she heard the fluttering of papers and mumbled, "Look, about the apartment…"
"I really don't care," Ezra cut her off while sitting down on the now bare couch. "I deserve it."
"You deserve worse," Aria pointed out, slumping down next him. When they typically sat on his sofa together, Aria was in Ezra's arms, swooning at the smell of his cologne that she had bought him for his birthday. Now, Aria and Ezra sat as far apart from each other as they could and Aria couldn't smell the intoxicating familiarity of the spray.
"Alright, well," Aria started, looking him dead in the eyes, "I'm still really hurt by the book and that you were using me, but I don't even think that's the worst part anymore. You said you loved me and never lied about that, but you knew…" Aria paused letting tears fall. She pulled herself together and continued, "You knew A was out there and A was hurting me. You knew A was ruining my life and you didn't do a thing. You didn't try to protect me, you didn't ask me about A, you did nothing. You just watched a person attack me day after day. If you really loved me-"
"I do really love you," Ezra interjected.
Aria clenched her jaw before shouting, "Then why didn't you do anything!?"
Ezra blinked away tears and tried to think of an answer, but couldn't come up with a genuinely good one. "I might not have done a good job preventing it, but I have it figured it out, and once you read the book, you will too."
Aria scoffed at the thought. There was no way that reading a few pages of her heart breaker's novel could give her the key to the whole A mystery. "Why didn't you try to prevent it?"
Ezra gulped and held his head in his hands. "I don't know," he mumbled honestly.
Aria let out a sob and mirrored his position, cradling her head in her palm. "You say you love me, but I don't believe it." And she didn't. He had used her, taken advantage of her, tricked all her secrets out of her, and all of those things over shadowed the good, real Ezra. The Ezra that left endless jobs for her, risked his freedom and life for her, put her before everything in his life.
"I love you, Aria," Ezra told her, reaching out for her hand. He felt as if he had just climbed Mount Everest when she didn't pull away. "I fell for you so fast. You came over here for leftovers after that horrible class, do you remember?"
Aria bit her bottom lip and nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I remember."
"I fell for you then. Hard. I still wrote the book, but after you told me you loved me, I realized I did too, and I stopped. I just kept up with the research because I knew someone was messing with you. I planned to figure it out fast, but I couldn't. Then it was Mona and then A was gone. It felt like the first time I could breathe. That summer, between the two of us, was the best season of my life. I swear, I never hated you or wanted to see you like… see you this heartbroken."
"Yeah, me either," Aria muttered. "Were you ever gonna tell me you knew Ali? I mean, we always talked about how we would leave Rosewood together and eventually get ma-" Aria couldn't even finish her statement. "Were you just going to keep it a secret?"
"I planned on it," Ezra answered. "But then I found out she was alive and we were already rocky. I didn't want it to be the last straw. Then once we got back together, I wanted to, and I was going to, but every time I just got terrified you'd run away because of me or never forgive me."
"I won't forgive you," Aria whispered sadly.
"I know," Ezra sighed. "God, I miss you."
Aria almost retorted, Get used to it, but didn't. She didn't want to be mean anymore, she just wanted to move on. The words move on came to mind and she thought of Riley. Yeah, he was a drunken one and done thing and Aria seriously doubted that she'd see him again, but it was almost, almost, nice to be with someone who wasn't Ezra. But at the same time, she was disgusted with herself. She had gone from a whore who slept with her teacher to a tramp who got drunk at a frat party and screwed some self-proclaimed musician. Maybe she really was a slut like Conner had said.
Aria always imagined that Ezra would be her one and only, her soul mate (which she still believed, to be honest.) Aria never imagined letting another guy kiss her naked, sweaty body. Never imagined feeling another guy pleasure her. Only imagined that that guy would only and just be Ezra. And an inkling of good girl inside her hated herself for letting a stranger in, too.
Ezra pulled her out of her thoughts and asked, "What are you thinking about?"
Confession sat on her tongue and something in her wanted to tell him about Riley, as if that crazy-in-love-with-Ezra part of her took over the rest of her mind. Her mind was saying that he should have the right to know. After all, they were lobsters, they were penguins, they were life partners. "Over the weekend, I slept with someone," Aria said in a rushed breath, instantly regretting her statement.
Ezra raised his eyebrows and felt more hurt and confused than ever before. He knew he had been Aria's first and only. It pained him to know someone had loved her like he had. It pained him to know she let someone do that with her. He also understood; it was a step for moving on. Ezra knew he should try to move on, but the amount of time and love he'd invested in the girl before him, he couldn't. They had been through so much. Couldn't they just work through this?
"I'm not going to lie," Ezra whispered, almost silent, "that hurts, but I understand why you did it. You needed to move on."
"I still do," Aria protested. "We need to move on, and not together."
Ezra nodded. "I'm really sorry. And if this is the last time you ever talk to me, please, know I am sorry. I hate myself for using you the way I did. If I could do something to make up for it all or take it back, I would. And if I think of something, I will. I love you so much and I hate myself for hurting you. I've made a lot of mistakes, but that's the worst thing I've ever done. I never meant to break your heart. I really, really love you. And I'm sorry."
It was everything Aria needed to hear. Everything Aria needed to know. But she couldn't forgive him, not that easily. She needed time and if he really was her other half, they would happen at a later date, after all the A bullshit and deadly mysteries. Who knows? They might not be having a very happy ending now, but they could have one in ten years' time. No one, especially not Aria and Ezra, knew what the future could hold.
"I'm sorry this couldn't work right now," Aria muttered under her shaky breath. She kissed Ezra's cheek and stood up off the couch. "I'll let myself out."
Ezra kept his damp eyes on the ground. He heard Aria open the door and shouted, "Wait!"
Aria squeezed her eyes shut and turned. Opening her wet eyes, she looked at the man she thought she knew so well. "Yeah, Ezra?"
"I'm so sorry," Ezra attempted once more.
Aria smiled sadly and responded, "Me too." A pregnant pause passed before Aria uttered those two words that always broke both of their hearts. "Goodbye, Ezra."
Once the door closed, with Aria on the other side, Ezra let out a pent up sob and tried to wrap his head around how Aria could have him so under her spell. He loved her so much and he had to let her go. Not because he wanted to, but because that's what she wanted. And at the end of the day, he wanted one of them to be happy. Ezra would rather have her be happy while he was miserable. He, from now on, would sacrifice himself just to make sure she was okay.
And he was fine with that.