Finally got this straight in my head (not that it's worth waiting for) If you're into punishing yourselves and want to read this in chronological order with all the others (why would anyone?) it goes:
Bristol Prison Blues
Hanging on the phone 1
Hanging 2
Hanging 3
And they lived happily ever after
Sleeping in
Hanging 4
Nocturnal stumblebut
What she thinks about...
Hanging 5
This (points down the page)
Good luck with wading through that lot...
It's raining. Of course, it always rains at funerals, right? Naomi pauses at the door of the chapel in the crematorium, waits for Emily as she's got their umbrella. She desperately wants a fag, knows she shouldn't spark up. She turns to see where Emily has got to; she can see her talking quietly to her sister. Naomi stands to one side as the other mourners file out. There's Freddie's dad, she nods in greeting, he looks sadly at her, hugs Karen closer to his side and nods back, behind him Anthea is being helped by her son Tony, Eff's elder brother, she looks utterly destroyed. The small porch is becoming crowed, and Naomi finally steps out into the rain, and walks round to the side of the building rummaging in her bag for fags and lighter, out of sight, she rests her back against the flint wall, and lights up. Inhales deeply, tries not to think too much about anything. Tries not to think about Eff.
She pushes herself away from the wall, throws the butt onto the path, and stands on it, she feels arms snake around her waist.
"Hey"
"Hey, yourself", she turns, puts her arms round Emily, gives her a squeeze "you okay?"
"Not really", admits Emily, "Katie's pretty wrecked, I'm going to walk her back to hers, you coming?"
"We've been invited back to the Stonem's Em, we should go"
Emily sighs, "I don't think I can, I don't think I can face Freddie's Dad, and Karen, and Eff's Mum, it's all a bit much, y'know?"
Naomi just nods, this has been a source of tension between them, and Naomi doesn't know why, Emily's been both reluctant about today, and reluctant to talk about it, they've argued, but now Naomi is just tired of it, she knows Emily is hiding something from her, but doesn't know what. Taking her sister back to her house is an excuse.
0000000
She sees him out of the corner of her eye, over by the Yew trees, he's standing hands deep in pockets hunched over, but she knows that figure anywhere.
"What the...is that Cook?"
"What, where?" Emily stutters, "I dunno" feels Naomi trying to break from her grasp, hangs on tighter, "Where are you going? "
"I want to talk to him; I want to know where's he's been, don't you?"
"Please Naomi, don't "Emily pleads
Naomi looks at her, "What's this about Emily, I'm going to talk to Cook, OK?"
"Please, can't we just go to Katie's, don't, please"
Their voices are raised; people are looking in their direction, Naomi looks at Emily in confusion
"No Emily, I don't think I can do that"
She finally breaks away from Emily, starts to walk over to where she saw Cook last, she hears Emily pleading with her;
"Naomi, please, don't"
Ignores her, carries on walking, reaches the trees, sees him behind the far one, strides over, he looks up;
"Naomikins" there's little warmth; he looks tense, ready to walk away
Naomi breathes in heavily through her nose; she doesn't know whether to hit him or hug him, settles for;
"Where were you? I waited for you"
"Left the day before, fucked off...Like your missus asked me to" he's defensive
"Like my missus...You mean Emily? What did she say?"
Emily arrives, looks between them both, reaches out to try to take Naomi's hand, Naomi shrugs her off "Naoms, please, I didn't mean this to happen, I was angry, it was killing us, all the stuff going on, I just wanted it all to stop", Falls to her knees sobbing, "I didn't know this would happen, how could I know?"
"What?" Naomi looks at Emily, confusion on her face, doesn't notice Katie walking up behind her
"She thinks she's responsible for all of this" Katie gestures around her, "For Eff's suicide, she thinks her telling Cook not to show up was the reason she did that" she looks down at her sister sobbing in the rain, crouches down puts a protective arm around her. Looks up at Naomi, "She asked me not to tell you"
Naomi looks at them both, feels lost. Tiny
"Did she?" She asks in a small voice, "Did Effy kill herself because of that"
"No, she didn't" Katie sighs pinches her nose, can feel a monstrous headache creeping on. "And I can show you" She stands up "Cook, can you..?" Gestures to her sister.
"Sure" he crouches down gently manoeuvres the still sobbing Emily into his arms, stands as if she weighs no more than a feather, adjusts his arms, leans into her soaking hair, whispers into her ear, she wraps her arms around his neck without looking at him, he looks over to Katie "Which way?"
"This way, it's not far"
Naomi stands dumbstruck, her world upside down
Katie looks over her shoulder "Are you coming?"
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Katie hands them both towels, no words are spoken as Naomi and Cook still looking cautiously at each other dry their sodden hair. Naomi looks over at Katie, "Thanks, Is she..."
"Ems' asleep, she's pretty wasted, OK though I think, "
"Thanks" begins Naomi, she stops, shrugs, "can some-one please tell me what the fuck is going on"
"You need to read this I think" Says Katie, looks at Naomi, and then Cook, "Who wants too..."
For the first time Cook looks up, "Naomi", he says without pausing," If that's what I think it is, I don't think I can read it"
Katie hands her a torn sheet of A4 to Naomi, "Can you read her terrible handwriting?" she almost laughs
Naomi shakes her head, "No, never could, can you?" she takes the note, looks briefly at it, picks out some words, notices the small post-it-not attached to it, unfolds it reads "For you" , looks over to Katie, "Is this..."
Katie's eyes widen, "No, that's...something else, not...It's mine... Give me the note, I'll read it. S'ok, I've read it so many times anyway."
She reads
Dearest Katie,
First things first, this is not you, ok? Nothing you've ever done, nothing you've ever not done, nothing you said, or didn't say has anything to do with this, You HAVE to understand that, if I cant tell you anything else, I have to tell you that. Thing is I cant do this anymore, I cant be Effy anymore, it hurts too much, Im trying so hard to keep the bad men away, but they're closing in all the time...
"Bad men?" Naomi interrupts "who..?"
"Her psychosis" replies Katie, "Mostly it was the 'bad men' never could get her to tell me more about them, only Feddie..." she looks over to Cook, is unsure whether she's said too much already, but he nods gestures for her to carry on, "Only Freddie could scare them away, I think that's why she loved him, or why they were so much in love, only he could keep her safe..." she trails off "... I never could"
Katie takes in a deep breath, carries on.
Without fred I can't keep them away, if i don't do this now, they'll come for me anyway, this way I can escape them. I know it's going to be hard for you to understand, but it's really the only way. It's almost time I think, just one last thing. You have to promise me one last thing. Never ever stop being Katie fucking Fitch, to me you are perfect the way you are.
My love forever
Eff
Katie's read this to herself so many times, she thought it had lost its power over her, but she still feels the tears welling, quickly turns away, fights for control, letting out an explosive breath. Feels his arms reach around her, "It's OK" he whispers holds her tight. She sobs quietly.
"I thought you were making her better "A small voice from the doorway makes them all look up.
"Emily" Naomi walks over to her, has never seen her looking so hurt, so defenceless, she puts her arms around the smaller girl. "You should get some sleep"
Katie looks over at her twin. "Emily, doctors could have made her better, I was just hoping I wasn't making her worse"
"But I came over here loads, me an' Noams spent the weekend here. She was fine, getting better, you were making her better" Emily is pleading
"Emily, I was a crutch, like a for a broken leg, I was useful, but you can't mend a broken leg with one, you need doctors for that. Eff, she didn't trust doctors, you understand? I was the space between them and her, only I wasn't..." Katie sucks in another breath, fuck this was harder than she thought it would be, tries to put into words they could understand all the things the doctors had told her, had warned her about, all the careful planning and care. "I was just... I tried to keep her safe and give her place she could just...be...you know?" she pauses sees the look of non-comprehension on her sisters face "Did you think they would just let me walk out of a hospital with her and try to make her better? Emily, I was a cog in a very big machine, you understand? "
"What's this got to with me?" His voice is measured, less Cook like than they've ever heard. Noami looks over really looks, he's changed she thinks.
"I was worried, sick of all the shit" Emily's voice is tired, "I thought it was you, I looked at all the shit happening, I just thought get rid of you and things would get better, and they did...For a bit. But then Eff, she was pretty excited to be seeing you, and then when I heard that she's...I thought it was what I'd done."
Katie sighs, "Emily, Eff was random, y'know, when she first came to live here with me, she used to get excited about Pepper Pig for fuck sakes, she was mad, yeah?" she pauses and sighs, shakes her head, "fucks sakes, that programme drove me fucking nuts..." She laughs realizing what she's said. The tension is broken,
Cook begins to giggle, "She was pretty fucking intense" He smiles at the memory of her. "Sure she didn't hit you harder than we all thought with that rock?"
"We should have a drink to her memory" suggests Naomi she looks at Emily, "You could do with a fucking drink I think"
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Naomi and Emily are watching Katie and Cook argue over some memory of clubbing. Cook is adamant "You were definitely shagging that bloke on the stairs in that nightclub, Heaven I think it was , Effy had seen you, and she came to get me"
Katie is indignant, "I did not shag some random bloke on the stairs in Heaven, Tosser". She pauses, "It was at Cream, not Heaven..." Cook doubles over laughing so hard he's spilling the can of lager he's holding. Katie starts to laugh along with him.
Naomi leans over "You Ok?" Cocks her head to one side "You are very stupid, you know that?" smiles at her lover
Emily looks into her eyes, "I've been a tit, I know, I was so desperate for us to work, you know, I got a bit...locked on?"
"Definitely locked on" Naomi smiles, pulls Emily in and kisses her softly "thanks for locking on to me though". She pauses, watches Cook trying to pour Katie another drink, and remembers something she wanted to ask earlier. "What did he say to you, Cook, when he picked you up?"
Emily looks bashful, "it was nothing" she almost whispers, sees Naomi frown, realizes that she's got to tell her everything from now on "He told me I still owe him a dance" Naomi looks still confused. Emily carries on "It's his way of telling me that we're ok, I think"
"Good idea "says Naomi, "I could do with a dance, Katie, put some fucking music on, let's have a fucking party..."