~Olivia's thoughts before going to Peter's house at the end of 6B. Thanks for reading!~
Fear Itself
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it."
Where do we go from here?
She was unsure, afraid. It was an unfamiliar feeling for her; as they'd discovered last year, the only thing that really frightened her was failure. And Olivia Dunham did not fail often or easily.
She had never needed anyone, especially not a man. Why was this affecting her so strongly? She'd survived on her own for must of her life. And yet, if she was honest with herself, she knew this wasn't about Peter. Not anymore. She was disappointed, sure … devastated, even, but that wasn't the real issue now. She'd always been bad at this sort of thing. Relationships, connecting with other people … had never been easy for her.
She was scared of putting herself out there, relying on someone else. She'd only done so twice before, and both had ended in pain and a renewed commitment to solitude. Even as a child she knew she couldn't rely on her mother, and certainly not on men. She knew that the only person she could really trust was herself. She'd never needed a white knight, never needed rescuing. In the end, she only needed saving from herself, from the voices telling her she wasn't good enough. But that was her problem. Her cross. Not his. He'd never made her feel like there was something wrong with her. He'd never looked at her with pity or disgust. He was so different from the others.
Lucas was the first. He was charming, funny, but he always looked at her as a curiosity. He was intrigued by her, but never really knew her. He always told her she should put the past behind her, stop letting it affect her, choose to be happy. He didn't understand that when you've been through hell, hell is always on your shoulder, waiting for a moment of weakness to drag you back down. She realized how little her knew her when he asked her to move to Germany with him. When he left, he reaffirmed her belief that she was better off by herself. Why get attached when it always ends in pain?
Her relationship with John was like something out of a dream. When she was with him she felt like a different person. She'd loved him, more than she thought possible, but the further she got from the dream the harder it was to remember why. With him she was always conceding something, always a step behind. He pursued until she said yes. He said "I love you". He'd bought a ring. He led the dance, and she followed. It was refreshing for a while, but it also had her constantly on her heels. Olivia was not a follower. He protected her, and it was nice for a while - she'd never had that before. In her experience men were, if not outright dangerous, than certainly not to be trusted. But looking back, he protected her like you would something fragile. Olivia was anything but fragile. And in time, she would have chafed at being treated as such.
With Peter, however, she felt even more herself. They were partners, but they were also equals. He protected her as you would a partner, a friend, not a child. He supported her, encouraged her, respected her, challenged her, but never pushed her. He knew instinctively that the best way to approach a wild animal was slowly and at an angle, eyes averted, not charging head on. He let her set the pace, let her make the decisions, all while making it clear that he would be there for as long as she needed.
It was obvious to her that he'd been interested for quite a while. She'd always been the one stopping them, until she thought she'd lost him. If she'd been honest with herself, and with him, and told him not only what he meant to her but the truth about his past, he may never have left this universe to begin with. Everything that had happened since were the consequences of her and Walter had keeping the truth from Peter. No, Peter wasn't blameless in this mess - no one was - but she was starting to realize that her inability to let people in, her inability to open up, was a major roadblock in her life and in their relationship. The question now was what she should do about it.
She was scared of needing someone that much, of putting her faith fully in someone, of not being able to live without them. When you put yourself so far out on that ledge, the risk of falling was so much greater. She'd always done best on her own. …Well, that wasn't exactly true. She'd always been a loner in life, but had always worked better with a partner. What was love, really, but having a partner in life? They already knew they made a damn fine team.
No, she decided, she had the ability to live without him. She just no longer had the desire.
Decision made, she grabbed her keys and a bottle of whiskey, and decided to step back out on that ledge. For most of her life, Olivia Dunham had known how to turn fear into determination, and this time she was determined not to fail. And she knew Peter wouldn't let her fall.