A/N: This story has been sitting in my laptop for a while with an intention to create a new multi-chapter story. However, time and muse never co-operate and I have decided to post this as a one-shot for the time being. This is set post episode 5.13. For this story, please assume that the conversation between M/K before the memorial didn't happen.
Disclaimer: Sea Patrol and its characters are property of Channel Nine and McElroys All Media. No infringement is intended by this story.
.
.
.
.
.
"Would it get easier next time around, Dutchy?"
Dylan looked to his left, to the features of the young women standing next to him and found that he was lost for words.
"Do you want an honest answer?" he questioned her after a few beats of silence.
Bird tilted her head to see his eyes. Her doe-like-eyes held a trace of wariness as he voiced the question but at the same time, those eyes were also curious and some might say, desperate for reassurance.
But he wasn't sure whether he could give her one.
"Yes," she finally said.
He sighed, "Then the answer is no."
"Oh…." Bird went quiet after that. Not expecting the man to be so blunt, but at the same time, she was glad that Dutchy was honest with her.
She then felt a squeeze on her shoulder and her eyes once again travelled back up to his face. What she saw made her heart clench. His jaw was tensed and there was sadness as he looked at her this time.
"Bird... losing your comrade in any situation is always going to be tough... But it's even tougher when we lost a guy like Swain, who's probably one of the kindest and most honourable man that we've ever met." He paused to gather his thought some more. "I've lost comrades before, a few of them even died in my arms. Each time it's happened, I always thought it would be easier, that it wouldn't hurt as much as the last experience. But the truth is, it still hurts the same, maybe even more…."
"How did you get pass it then?" Tears were clouding her eyes now. "How did you pick yourself up again and continue on?"
"You just do," he pulled her closer to his side, noting that the formal part of the memorial had finished and the rigid standing position that they had maintained for the last hour was no longer required. "You grieve for quite some time, you shed some tears or even a bucket of tears," he said somewhat teasingly, which earned him a weak chuckle, "but ultimately, our lives has to go on..."
"I miss him already..." she said tearfully, "he was just always there you know; ready to listen and to help... He was just such a good man… a great human being..."
"I know…."
"And yet, he is gone, Dutchy..." she paused, "Gone and will never come back…."
"But we'll always remember him, Bird."
She nodded and whispered softly, "Lest we forget."
"Exactly..."
The two of them stood there until the crowd dispersed and the only people remaining were the families and comrades of the two fallen men. He squeezed Bird's shoulder once more, tapped her back and urged her to go home and rest. She gave him a weak smile and a whispered 'Thank you' before quietly leaving the base with 2-Dads.
He was about to approach Sally and Chloe to offer his condolences when he spotted his XO standing alone near the water and away from everybody else. His heart clenched at the sight. He hadn't had a chance to talk to her since he was rolled away to hospital after that doomed patrol was finished. She didn't visit him and he didn't have the courage to do the same thing even after he was discharged from the hospital. He honestly didn't know how to broach the subject about both men that had just passed away. He could say he was sorry, but it didn't seem enough, especially since one of the men had almost become her fiancé. He didn't even know whether she had had the chance to give an answer to Captain Roth before his death.
God... I'm such a lousy friend...
After he berated himself for his cowardice the past week, he took a deep breath and walked towards her even though her body language screamed to everybody that she wanted to be alone.
"Hey..." he cringed inwardly at his own voice. His simple greeting sounded so inappropriate for the occasion.
Her head turned to the sound of his voice. Her eyes then travelled upwards to meet his. For a while she didn't say anything, she was just looking at him with that penetrating gaze of hers, almost as if she was challenging him to walk away. But he stayed put and held her gaze. Determined to be a good friend; determined to do what he could to somehow lessen the giant burden on those tiny shoulders.
"You really should not be near me..." she finally said with a sad smile and a hint of resignation as she realised that he was not going anywhere.
"Why?"
Her smile turned even sadder, "people get killed or injured for being around me..."
"X, that's not true," his concern went up several notches at her statement, "None of this was your fault."
"I shouldn't have left Swain there... I should have stayed there with Jim instead of Swain... If I did that, Chloe wouldn't lose her father and she doesn't have to grow up without him..." Her voice cracked at the end and she looked away from him.
For a while, he didn't say anything, letting her take a few deep breaths to prevent her tears. But hearing her misplaced guilt, he felt that his own misplaced guilt came back to the surface. "I should have used my brain instead of my 'other' brain in all my dealings with that woman. I should have caught her sooner... The police would have made her talk and the caesium shipment would be intercepted before it even reached our shores..."
"Dutchy... Don't do that…."
"Do what?"
"Shifting the blame to your shoulders…."
"Then please stop putting it on yours..." he pleaded gently with her.
"How could I not?" she whispered harshly, "Swain didn't deserve to die! He had a family to go home to. His life was way more precious than mine... And yet... I still followed protocol... I still followed the rule book... And Jim..." She choked as a sob came close to the surface. She squeezed the ring in on her palm tighter to prevent her sobbing right here and there. "I haven't given him an answer..."
He sighed, "I'm sorry X... He was a good man…."
"He was..." She looked down to her right hand that had turned to a fist, before slowly bring it up and opening her palm. The diamond ring shone as the sunshine hit its surface and the sight of the ring reminded her once again of what kind of man Jim Roth was.
"Did you know that he made a mean chocolate mousse?" she smiled softly at the memory.
"Really? A big tough army man could make stuff like that?" he exaggerated his surprise to make her smile some more.
"Hu-uh..." she chuckled at his teasing, "Oh, and chocolate pudding too... I didn't know what he put in there, but it was amazing. "
"A guy that could make a mean dessert. He sounded like a perfect guy."
His aim was to keep the conversation light and happy, but he knew that he failed as he saw her face fell again.
"And yet I didn't say 'yes' straight away..."
"You would have, though? Eventually?" He couldn't help but ask the question that was on his mind since she told him about the proposal.
She sighed inwardly. She had been pondering that question for the last 2 weeks of her life. As mandatory leaves were imposed on the crew and she had nothing but time on her hands, her mind kept drifting to all the moments in her life with him. Their relationship hadn't been what normal people considered a long-term relationship, but the certainty in his voice as he proposed to her had touched her deeply. He was sure that she was the one; the one person that could make him happy for the rest of her life. The one person that he would love to grow old with. And it saddened her that she couldn't reciprocate his certainty at that very moment.
"I think eventually I would..." she finally said, "He was just an easy guy to love. He made me laugh. He made me happy..." she paused and held the ring in her fist once again, "and most importantly, he knew for sure what he wanted."
Dylan smiled knowingly. "Jim Roth didn't have a boat that he had to command."
"No, he didn't..." her lips curved up slightly at his statement, grateful that he understood what she meant, "And even if he did, I believe he would have chosen me anyway..."
They settled into companionable silence, each stood close to each other, facing the deep blue water of the inlet. She oddly felt a little bit better after their chat and for the first time since they talked, she noticed the sling on his right arm. "How's your arm?"
He chuckled at her question, "My arm is good..."
She chuckled back, "The sling is just cosmetic, isn't it?" She knew very well that the bullet only grazed his arm on its way through penetrating his gut.
"Well, yes and no, it forces me not to move or lift my hand above my shoulder so that I don't pull any of my stomach muscles. Plus, I think the doctor felt that I didn't look wounded enough without it."
"I'm glad you are OK," she said in a more serious note.
"Don't worry about me, X. I'm fine," he smiled reassuringly, "Let's say our condolences to the families and then we'll get you home."
"Na... You go first, Dutchy. I'm not going home just yet..."
His brows lifted at her statement, "Please tell me you're not going to do some paper works at Navcom or something like that?"
"No..." she ignored the urge to roll her eyes at his assumption. She understood that he was just being his usual over-protective self.
"I have to introduce myself to certain people… And it could be a long conversation..." She said to him cryptically, but her eyes betrayed her as they travelled through the crowds before focusing on an older couple.
"Oh," realisation dawn on him as he followed her gaze, "Would you care for company while you do that?"
"Dutchy..." Exasperation coloured her voice as his over-protectiveness reared his ugly head again.
"Sorry..." he said sheepishly, realising too late that it would look very awkward for him to be standing beside her like a bodyguard while she talked to the parents of her almost fiancé.
She sighed, "It's OK... I know you are worried. But really, I'm fine."
He didn't believe her for a second. But he decided to back down this time and instead started to talk about the plan for a commemoration of their fallen comrades later that night in their regular pub.
"Do you think you can make it?" he asked her gently, not wanting to push her but at the same time wishing that she would be there. It would be good for all the crew to have a couple of drinks and salute the best memories of Swain and to some extent, Captain Roth as well.
"Maybe..." She wasn't sure whether she would be a good company in a social setting at the moment.
"Just text or call me with your answer, OK?"
"OK."
.
.
.
.
.
"Mate?"
"Yeah?" Dylan turned his eyes from the direction of the door to the man who was sitting beside him.
"Are you still waiting for the X?" Charge asked quietly.
Dylan sighed, "She promised that she would let me know whether she is coming or not." He didn't explain further. He knew that Charge would understand his concern. They both had seen how she was at the memorial and despite her insistence that she was fine, he still watched her from afar as she met Captain Roth's parents. He knew he was supposed to look away as the emotional scene unfolded, but he felt like he owed it to her to support her silently, even from a distance.
"Maybe it is best that she's not," Charge finally replied after downing his 3rd shot for the night.
"Maybe..." Remembering the sombre mood that everybody was in and the fact that everybody seemed to try to down their sorrow with large quantities of booze, Dylan realised that two weeks were nowhere near enough to even heal the wound a little bit. The last thing his XO needed was to walk into the bar and feel worse.
"It's not fair, Dutchy..."
"None of this was fair, Charge."
"That nasty woman should've been the one who died." Charge stated with a touch of anger in his voice.
Dylan tightened his jaw as the older man mentioned Ms Cruise's involvement in all this. He really should have figured out her vicious scheme a long time ago. He too should have done a better job in choosing the women that he was involved with. Last time, he scored a murderer, this time a terrorist, what's next?
"I don't think I could do this again, Dutchy."
"Charge?" he looked at the older man questioningly.
"Too much death..." Charge paused to swallow another shot, "and for what? So that some foreign fishermen can't fish in our water? It's not worth it..."
"What are you going to do then?" Dylan asked quietly.
Charge looked at the empty shot glasses in front of him for a few second before he shook his head sadly. "I don't know Dutchy, the Navy has been my life…But maybe it's time to do something else… Something that won't involve burying my mates."
Their musing was suddenly interrupted by the beeping sound from Dylan's phone. He quickly unlocked the phone, hoping this would be from Kate.
Are you still at the bar?
His lips curved into a small smile as he read the short text.
Yes, are you on your way?
I'm in my car. Outside.
He frowned at the reply.
Come in then.
Not sure if I should...
His frown got even deeper and his worry increased tenfold. So he didn't bother replying and started to walk outside instead.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You really don't have to come out you know," Kate smiled wryly at Dylan, "I would have come in eventually."
His lips curved up slightly at the hint of frustration in her voice. But he didn't say anything, he just lean against the door of the SUV next to hers and observed her features carefully.
"How is everyone?" she asked quietly.
He shrugged, "As well as you can expect them to be… They are drowning themselves in booze at the moment."
"I don't know how to do this tonight, Dutchy."
"Do what?" he looked at her teary eyes and felt a pang in his chest.
"Be strong…" she paused and wiped the corner of her eyes, "to walk in there and to look at them in the eye and says that everything will be alright."
"X, nobody expects you to walk in there and start a motivational speech or something like that. They know that you are grieving. You just lost your fiancé for goodness sake!"
"He's..."
"…not yet your fiancé…." Dylan finished her sentence before she could. "Does that matter? Does the fact that you haven't given him an answer change the fact that your significant other just died? Do you felt that you should not grieve as much because of that simple technicality?"
"It's not that simple, Dutchy…" She finally answered after a few minutes of silence.
He sighed at her answer. "I know that…. But maybe just for one night, you should put all those complications aside and just grieve."
When she still did not respond to his suggestion, he moved forward, unlocked the door and opened it for her.
Her eyes followed his movement as he did all this and then locked eyes with him as he extended his left hand towards her and said, "Come on, X, if you are already here, may as well drown yourself in booze like the rest of us. What do you say?"
Her lips curved up at his insistence, "I say that you are a good man, Dutchy."
He snorted. "That's arguable…."
"No…." She took his hand and let him pull her to her feet so that they now stood in front of each other. "You are many things, Dutchy…. But despite what you think of yourself, I know that you are a good man. And thank you…." She squeezed his hand once before letting go, "for being a good friend too."
He grinned at her, "You probably will curse my name when you have a sore head tomorrow…"
She laughed softly at his remarks, "Oh, I'm sure I will."
.
.
.
A/N: Should I continue?