Jak III: This time it's not Jak II
By Agent Smith
---
Jak, Daxter, Samos, and the rest of their crony friends were celebrating their victory over Kor and simultaneous rape of laws of time at the new strip club Naughty Ottsel.
Jak: So you're telling me that we were sent back in time, Samos?
Samos: Correct, my boy. Despite that, if you were born in the future, you would have never stopped Gol and Maia and the world would have been destroyed before Haven City even existed, we somehow managed to completely destroy any logical explanation of how that timeline story could of worked.
Daxter: Hah! It also arises another important question, you frickin old tree hugger! When you were sent back, you already were kind of old and unappealing, so how the hell did you have Kiera?
Samos: Really funny, assfuzz.
Jak: No, seriously, that also baffles me.
Kiera: Let me guess, I was adopted too right?
Samos: How about... NO! That'd be more predictable than Kor's "unexpected" heel turn.
Kiera: But I've never met my mother...
Samos: That's because you really are... YOUR OWN MOTHER!!!
Everyone: WHAT!!?!?!
Samos: You see, it all started when you were sent back in time from the future after being sent back through outerspace and through several alternate timelines in which you were originally sent forward then back and forward again through-
Daxter: Shut the hell up and get to the point!
Samos: Ok, I pulled that one out of my ass. The real story is, I created you, Kiera, using my GOOBLY GREEN POWERS!
Kiera: ...Wow, thank god that have suicide booths here in Haven City.
Sig: Nah, they took those out a while ago. We nearly lost half our population when the Haven Blood Sox were defeated by the New Rock Bankees thanks only to that incompitent pitching coach, Gravy Tiny.
Just then, Torn and Ashlynn enter.
Torn: What are you infidels talking about?
Daxter: Well, before they got into chaseball debates, we were trying to find out just where the hell Kiera came from.
Ashlynn: *mocklingly* Oooh, maybe the STORK came and delivered her to your doorstep, Samos!
Samos: Shut your fatasses up, as I was saying, I created Kiera using my GOOBLY GREEN POWERS! Particularly because of the lack of women besides that bird lady.
Kiera: As long as that bitch ain't my mom, I may have the strength to live another day.
Torn: Whatever. Where is the keg?
---
MEANWHILE...
Deep underground, long since buried by the AMAZING GEOLOGICALLY-ALTERING SPAN OF 500 YEARS, a dark eco silo housed an ancient evil...
Annoucer: And now it's time for... THE ACHERONS!
Audience: *cheering*
Inside the Silo, is a nicely furnished house made out of dark eco, including dark eco chairs and a dark eco TV.
Gol: Maia, have you seen my issue of Freaks Magazine?
Maia: It shouldn't be so hard to find, after all, you're on the front cover!
Audience: *electronic laughs*
Gol: Ahh don't be so harsh Maia. Sure, we've been trapped in here for about 500 years, but at least the Dark Eco has stopped our aging.
Maia: Easy for you to say, but it's been giving me love handles!
Gol: I don't know what's there to love about them!
Audience: *more electronic laughing*
Maia: Damn...
Gol: Cheer up Maia, once at get my job down at the bottom of the silo, along with the rest of the scum that always floats to the bottom, we'll have the cash to move out of this rundown rat trap!
Garithos: *bursting through the door* Cash, did ya say?
Audience: *cheering*
Gol: Oh great, it's reoccuring fanfiction character Garithos, of Warcraft 3 infame!
Maia: Garithos, we don't need one of your get rich quick schemes, we need a way out of here.
Garithos: Did you try the elevator?
Gol: What elevator?
Garithos: *points to an elevator located directly behind the TV*
Gol: BEHIND THE TV!? We would have NEVER noticed it!
Audience: *more laughing*
Suddenly, they hear a loud knocking on the door. Gol looks through the peeking hole to see an angry mob.
Rowdy Guy: Come on out, we know you're in there!
Garithos: Oh shit...
Maia: They're after you? What did you try to sell them now?
Garithos: Remember that Lurker Sharks vs. Chicurser Cells game, where the Cells fan interfered with a foul ball play?
Gol: Yeah. I'd hate to be that guy...
Garithos: Well, you're staring right at him!
Audience: *laughs*
The angry mob breaks through the door.
Garithos: AHHHH!
Garithos runs around the house while the angry mob chases after him, wrecking the house.
Maia: I think it'd be a good time to use that elevator...
Gol: Correct!
Gol and Maia ran towards the elevator, when an angry fan noticed them.
Angry Fan: Hey look, those purple guys are trying to escape!
Angry Fan #2: Purple is the color of THE LURKER SHARKS! Get those bandwagoners!
Gol: Oh no you don't. Take this suckers! BIG DANG ATTACK! *fires dark energy from his hands*
Dark Energy: DAAAAAAAAAAAANG, brotha! *explodes, killing half the mob and further enraging the rest*
Maia: Ok, let's go.
Maia pushes the button labelled "Silo Roof" and the elevator door closes just as the mob gets to the door.
The elevator emerges through the silo roof... and into the layer of rock that now covers the silo
Gol: DAMN IT!
---
Back at the party...
Daxter: Whoa, what just happened?
Samos: We were stuck in a period of limbo for nearly half the chapter!
Jak: *whispering to Kiera* Too many drinks...
Ashlynn: Well, since we've been sitting around here like assholes for the past hour, isn't it time we discovered an interesting plot device?
As on que, Erol bursts in from nowhere in his zoomer.
Erol: BLAARGH!!! I NEED MY CRACK! *mouth foams*
Jak: Wow, I thought you were dead.
Erol: YOU! JAK! I WILL KILL YOU FOR DEFEATED ME FAIR AND SQUARE IN RACE! RACING IS MY LIFE! I LIVE, BREATH, AND INHALE GASOLINE!!!
Jak: Ok, I'll race you one more time. But under my terms.
Erol: HAHAHA! AND WHAT WILL THOSE BE, FOOLISH RACER WHO IS BETTER THAN ME?
Jak: It'll be a race to hell. YOU CAN GET A HEAD START! ZING! *blasts Erol's head off with the peace maker*
Erol's decapitated corpse flew around a bit, until it landed in a vat of LIQUID HOT MAG-MA.
Jak: This place sucks. Ever since the Baron and Kor got wasted, there has been so much "peace" and "happiness". Even the Lurkers suck now.
Sig: *slurring drunk* WhAt DiD YuUo JuSt CaLL Me!!?!!?!?
Sig took out his blaster and shot at one of the Metal Head trophies. The blaster ricocheted off the metal jewel, and out the door. The party immediately ran out of the Naughty Ottsel to see where the shot was going. The blaster shot bounced around Haven City a bit, until it flew out over the walls and into the horizon.
Ashlynn: Well, what was an interesting change of plot.
---
The blaster shot, still travelling, travelled to the drill platform. The blaster made contact with one of the platform struts, causing it to EXPLODE IN HOLLYWOOD ACTION MOVIE EFFECTS, and the drill to spin out of control.
Meanwhile, under the drilling area...
Gol: Ahhh damn it, only a completely impossible use of physics will save us now!
And, on cue, the drill boared through the layer of rock Gol and Maia were stuck under.
Maia: Freedom! Free at last!
Audience: *chuckles*
Gol: Grr...
Maia: They're trying to follow us Gol!
Audience: *gasps*
Gol: That's it! NOT-SO-FINAL FLASH!!!
Audience: *screaming and explodes*
Maia: BWAHAHA! Let us go to that gigantic polluted city of there and.. You know... Raise a little hell.
---
After the party, Jak, Daxter, Samos, and Kiera were at the Naughty Ottsel cleaning up all the mess and disposing of all the dead bodies.
Jak: Damn it, I save the world and once again I'm stuck on clean up duty.
Samos: Well Jak, with all the innocent bystanders you've killed, cars you've stolen, guards with FAMILIES AND CHILDREN you've murdered, puppies you've kicked-
Jak: Ok, no sermons, remember Samos? Seriously though, even the bloodthirsty murdering sprees that I'm now legally authorized to do, thanks to a good night with Ashlynn, this town has gotten kind of dull.
Daxter: Christ Jak, you've been complaining about how boring this place is for the past chapter!
Samos: If you're really that bored of peace time, you could always go see Don Precurseretti down by the new gambling sector.
Jak: Don Precurseretti? Isn't he in jail?
Samos: I think Ashlynn let him out in hopes that'd he'd eventually kill you.
Jak: Sounds like fun. C'mon Daxter, let's go see this guy.
---
At the new Gambling Sector of Haven City, which was built over a large portion of the slums, leaving hundreds homeless in the process, Jak and Daxter entered the Dark Eco Tropicana, which was Don Precurseretti's unchallenged dominating casino (He killed the other casino bosses). Within the casino's boundaries, Jak and Daxter found many people trying out of the games, including "Russian Roulette" and "Guess the Right Number and Get Shot". Ignoring the fun and games for now, Jak headed straight toward the Bosses Office. but were stopped by a guard.
Mafioso: Hey, get the fuck out of here, you elf eared jack off.
Jak: Shut up, Mario. I'm here to see the Don.
Mafioso: The Don AIN'T EXCEPTING GUESTS!
Jak: For christs sake, I've killed more people in the past 2 years than in all the world wars combined, including World War 8.
Mafioso: You must be Jak then?
Daxter: Yeah, and I'm Daxter!
Mafioso: Shut the fuck up! Anyways.. the Don's been expecting you Jak. Next time say your fucking name earlier so I don't have to waste up lines with my useless gambino dialogue.
Jak: Ass.
Inside the Don's office...
Don Precurseretti: You there, you must be Jak.
The Don's description needed no introduction. Like everything else reflecting Italians, he was a stereotype. A stereotype mob boss, with the gray hair, expensive suit, and Marlon Brando look and all.
Jak: Yeah, I'm him.
Don Precurseretti: Why have you come to me, Jak? What purpose do I serve for to you?
Jak: I need missions. Everyone else is either dead, or sucks.
Don Precurseretti: So you've come to me and are asking me to give missions to a man I do not know?
Jak: ....Yes.
Don Precurseretti: Ok, there is an armored zoomer going through the square tommorow. Rob it.
Jak: What's in it for you?
Don Precurseretti: 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of all funds stolen from it.
Jak: Grrr... Fine, I don't need the money. I just need to quench my thirst to kill...
Don Precurseretti: Then why don't you try this???
The Don threw Jak a bottle of Mutalaide, the Kill Thirst Quencher! Jak gulped it down.
Jak: WOW! I feel like I could kill a school bus full of orphaned cripple children!
Don Precurseretti: Wow, you really are a sick bastard. Get the fuck out of my office.
Jak walked out of the Don's office, satisfied that he was actually given a decent mission for once. Sure, he'd get absolutely nothing out of it, and the Don is probably setting him up, but it really got his adrenaline pumping. Daxter was reluctant.
Daxter: Jak, if you really want to kill people so bad, why don't you just kill that old greaseball?
Jak: Uhh, because he is the only half-evil person left in town?
---
Meanwhile, back in the Don's office.
Mafioso: Hahaha, that idiot bought right into your scheme.
Don Precurseretti: True. I doubt they'll be able to handle those new drivers of the "armored zoomer" we just hired.
Mafioso: They can do it. Or else, they'll be DONE! HAHAHA!
Don Precurseretti: Lame. By the way, what is your first name Mafioso?
Mafioso: ...I don't know
---
What scheme has the not-so-EVIL Don Precurseretti set up for the slighty-more-EVIL Jak? Who are the pretty-much-established-as-EVIL drivers? How many way-more-than-EVIL fanfiction reviewers already know who they are? Stay tuned for the next episode of Jak and Daxter ZEEEEEE!
By Agent Smith
---
Jak, Daxter, Samos, and the rest of their crony friends were celebrating their victory over Kor and simultaneous rape of laws of time at the new strip club Naughty Ottsel.
Jak: So you're telling me that we were sent back in time, Samos?
Samos: Correct, my boy. Despite that, if you were born in the future, you would have never stopped Gol and Maia and the world would have been destroyed before Haven City even existed, we somehow managed to completely destroy any logical explanation of how that timeline story could of worked.
Daxter: Hah! It also arises another important question, you frickin old tree hugger! When you were sent back, you already were kind of old and unappealing, so how the hell did you have Kiera?
Samos: Really funny, assfuzz.
Jak: No, seriously, that also baffles me.
Kiera: Let me guess, I was adopted too right?
Samos: How about... NO! That'd be more predictable than Kor's "unexpected" heel turn.
Kiera: But I've never met my mother...
Samos: That's because you really are... YOUR OWN MOTHER!!!
Everyone: WHAT!!?!?!
Samos: You see, it all started when you were sent back in time from the future after being sent back through outerspace and through several alternate timelines in which you were originally sent forward then back and forward again through-
Daxter: Shut the hell up and get to the point!
Samos: Ok, I pulled that one out of my ass. The real story is, I created you, Kiera, using my GOOBLY GREEN POWERS!
Kiera: ...Wow, thank god that have suicide booths here in Haven City.
Sig: Nah, they took those out a while ago. We nearly lost half our population when the Haven Blood Sox were defeated by the New Rock Bankees thanks only to that incompitent pitching coach, Gravy Tiny.
Just then, Torn and Ashlynn enter.
Torn: What are you infidels talking about?
Daxter: Well, before they got into chaseball debates, we were trying to find out just where the hell Kiera came from.
Ashlynn: *mocklingly* Oooh, maybe the STORK came and delivered her to your doorstep, Samos!
Samos: Shut your fatasses up, as I was saying, I created Kiera using my GOOBLY GREEN POWERS! Particularly because of the lack of women besides that bird lady.
Kiera: As long as that bitch ain't my mom, I may have the strength to live another day.
Torn: Whatever. Where is the keg?
---
MEANWHILE...
Deep underground, long since buried by the AMAZING GEOLOGICALLY-ALTERING SPAN OF 500 YEARS, a dark eco silo housed an ancient evil...
Annoucer: And now it's time for... THE ACHERONS!
Audience: *cheering*
Inside the Silo, is a nicely furnished house made out of dark eco, including dark eco chairs and a dark eco TV.
Gol: Maia, have you seen my issue of Freaks Magazine?
Maia: It shouldn't be so hard to find, after all, you're on the front cover!
Audience: *electronic laughs*
Gol: Ahh don't be so harsh Maia. Sure, we've been trapped in here for about 500 years, but at least the Dark Eco has stopped our aging.
Maia: Easy for you to say, but it's been giving me love handles!
Gol: I don't know what's there to love about them!
Audience: *more electronic laughing*
Maia: Damn...
Gol: Cheer up Maia, once at get my job down at the bottom of the silo, along with the rest of the scum that always floats to the bottom, we'll have the cash to move out of this rundown rat trap!
Garithos: *bursting through the door* Cash, did ya say?
Audience: *cheering*
Gol: Oh great, it's reoccuring fanfiction character Garithos, of Warcraft 3 infame!
Maia: Garithos, we don't need one of your get rich quick schemes, we need a way out of here.
Garithos: Did you try the elevator?
Gol: What elevator?
Garithos: *points to an elevator located directly behind the TV*
Gol: BEHIND THE TV!? We would have NEVER noticed it!
Audience: *more laughing*
Suddenly, they hear a loud knocking on the door. Gol looks through the peeking hole to see an angry mob.
Rowdy Guy: Come on out, we know you're in there!
Garithos: Oh shit...
Maia: They're after you? What did you try to sell them now?
Garithos: Remember that Lurker Sharks vs. Chicurser Cells game, where the Cells fan interfered with a foul ball play?
Gol: Yeah. I'd hate to be that guy...
Garithos: Well, you're staring right at him!
Audience: *laughs*
The angry mob breaks through the door.
Garithos: AHHHH!
Garithos runs around the house while the angry mob chases after him, wrecking the house.
Maia: I think it'd be a good time to use that elevator...
Gol: Correct!
Gol and Maia ran towards the elevator, when an angry fan noticed them.
Angry Fan: Hey look, those purple guys are trying to escape!
Angry Fan #2: Purple is the color of THE LURKER SHARKS! Get those bandwagoners!
Gol: Oh no you don't. Take this suckers! BIG DANG ATTACK! *fires dark energy from his hands*
Dark Energy: DAAAAAAAAAAAANG, brotha! *explodes, killing half the mob and further enraging the rest*
Maia: Ok, let's go.
Maia pushes the button labelled "Silo Roof" and the elevator door closes just as the mob gets to the door.
The elevator emerges through the silo roof... and into the layer of rock that now covers the silo
Gol: DAMN IT!
---
Back at the party...
Daxter: Whoa, what just happened?
Samos: We were stuck in a period of limbo for nearly half the chapter!
Jak: *whispering to Kiera* Too many drinks...
Ashlynn: Well, since we've been sitting around here like assholes for the past hour, isn't it time we discovered an interesting plot device?
As on que, Erol bursts in from nowhere in his zoomer.
Erol: BLAARGH!!! I NEED MY CRACK! *mouth foams*
Jak: Wow, I thought you were dead.
Erol: YOU! JAK! I WILL KILL YOU FOR DEFEATED ME FAIR AND SQUARE IN RACE! RACING IS MY LIFE! I LIVE, BREATH, AND INHALE GASOLINE!!!
Jak: Ok, I'll race you one more time. But under my terms.
Erol: HAHAHA! AND WHAT WILL THOSE BE, FOOLISH RACER WHO IS BETTER THAN ME?
Jak: It'll be a race to hell. YOU CAN GET A HEAD START! ZING! *blasts Erol's head off with the peace maker*
Erol's decapitated corpse flew around a bit, until it landed in a vat of LIQUID HOT MAG-MA.
Jak: This place sucks. Ever since the Baron and Kor got wasted, there has been so much "peace" and "happiness". Even the Lurkers suck now.
Sig: *slurring drunk* WhAt DiD YuUo JuSt CaLL Me!!?!!?!?
Sig took out his blaster and shot at one of the Metal Head trophies. The blaster ricocheted off the metal jewel, and out the door. The party immediately ran out of the Naughty Ottsel to see where the shot was going. The blaster shot bounced around Haven City a bit, until it flew out over the walls and into the horizon.
Ashlynn: Well, what was an interesting change of plot.
---
The blaster shot, still travelling, travelled to the drill platform. The blaster made contact with one of the platform struts, causing it to EXPLODE IN HOLLYWOOD ACTION MOVIE EFFECTS, and the drill to spin out of control.
Meanwhile, under the drilling area...
Gol: Ahhh damn it, only a completely impossible use of physics will save us now!
And, on cue, the drill boared through the layer of rock Gol and Maia were stuck under.
Maia: Freedom! Free at last!
Audience: *chuckles*
Gol: Grr...
Maia: They're trying to follow us Gol!
Audience: *gasps*
Gol: That's it! NOT-SO-FINAL FLASH!!!
Audience: *screaming and explodes*
Maia: BWAHAHA! Let us go to that gigantic polluted city of there and.. You know... Raise a little hell.
---
After the party, Jak, Daxter, Samos, and Kiera were at the Naughty Ottsel cleaning up all the mess and disposing of all the dead bodies.
Jak: Damn it, I save the world and once again I'm stuck on clean up duty.
Samos: Well Jak, with all the innocent bystanders you've killed, cars you've stolen, guards with FAMILIES AND CHILDREN you've murdered, puppies you've kicked-
Jak: Ok, no sermons, remember Samos? Seriously though, even the bloodthirsty murdering sprees that I'm now legally authorized to do, thanks to a good night with Ashlynn, this town has gotten kind of dull.
Daxter: Christ Jak, you've been complaining about how boring this place is for the past chapter!
Samos: If you're really that bored of peace time, you could always go see Don Precurseretti down by the new gambling sector.
Jak: Don Precurseretti? Isn't he in jail?
Samos: I think Ashlynn let him out in hopes that'd he'd eventually kill you.
Jak: Sounds like fun. C'mon Daxter, let's go see this guy.
---
At the new Gambling Sector of Haven City, which was built over a large portion of the slums, leaving hundreds homeless in the process, Jak and Daxter entered the Dark Eco Tropicana, which was Don Precurseretti's unchallenged dominating casino (He killed the other casino bosses). Within the casino's boundaries, Jak and Daxter found many people trying out of the games, including "Russian Roulette" and "Guess the Right Number and Get Shot". Ignoring the fun and games for now, Jak headed straight toward the Bosses Office. but were stopped by a guard.
Mafioso: Hey, get the fuck out of here, you elf eared jack off.
Jak: Shut up, Mario. I'm here to see the Don.
Mafioso: The Don AIN'T EXCEPTING GUESTS!
Jak: For christs sake, I've killed more people in the past 2 years than in all the world wars combined, including World War 8.
Mafioso: You must be Jak then?
Daxter: Yeah, and I'm Daxter!
Mafioso: Shut the fuck up! Anyways.. the Don's been expecting you Jak. Next time say your fucking name earlier so I don't have to waste up lines with my useless gambino dialogue.
Jak: Ass.
Inside the Don's office...
Don Precurseretti: You there, you must be Jak.
The Don's description needed no introduction. Like everything else reflecting Italians, he was a stereotype. A stereotype mob boss, with the gray hair, expensive suit, and Marlon Brando look and all.
Jak: Yeah, I'm him.
Don Precurseretti: Why have you come to me, Jak? What purpose do I serve for to you?
Jak: I need missions. Everyone else is either dead, or sucks.
Don Precurseretti: So you've come to me and are asking me to give missions to a man I do not know?
Jak: ....Yes.
Don Precurseretti: Ok, there is an armored zoomer going through the square tommorow. Rob it.
Jak: What's in it for you?
Don Precurseretti: 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of all funds stolen from it.
Jak: Grrr... Fine, I don't need the money. I just need to quench my thirst to kill...
Don Precurseretti: Then why don't you try this???
The Don threw Jak a bottle of Mutalaide, the Kill Thirst Quencher! Jak gulped it down.
Jak: WOW! I feel like I could kill a school bus full of orphaned cripple children!
Don Precurseretti: Wow, you really are a sick bastard. Get the fuck out of my office.
Jak walked out of the Don's office, satisfied that he was actually given a decent mission for once. Sure, he'd get absolutely nothing out of it, and the Don is probably setting him up, but it really got his adrenaline pumping. Daxter was reluctant.
Daxter: Jak, if you really want to kill people so bad, why don't you just kill that old greaseball?
Jak: Uhh, because he is the only half-evil person left in town?
---
Meanwhile, back in the Don's office.
Mafioso: Hahaha, that idiot bought right into your scheme.
Don Precurseretti: True. I doubt they'll be able to handle those new drivers of the "armored zoomer" we just hired.
Mafioso: They can do it. Or else, they'll be DONE! HAHAHA!
Don Precurseretti: Lame. By the way, what is your first name Mafioso?
Mafioso: ...I don't know
---
What scheme has the not-so-EVIL Don Precurseretti set up for the slighty-more-EVIL Jak? Who are the pretty-much-established-as-EVIL drivers? How many way-more-than-EVIL fanfiction reviewers already know who they are? Stay tuned for the next episode of Jak and Daxter ZEEEEEE!