.: You :: Never :: Share :.
By BlackFireXD13gmail
[A/N:: Dedicated to my dear, dear friend. Whom I'm going to keep anonymous, 'cuz I'm pretty sure she knows who she is. Also, if you want me to take this down, I will... cuz I don't wanna push the trust you have in me... But...
Oh yeah, weird and nonsensical. This is twisted a lot, but not a lot is changed? Sorry? Again, if you feel uncomfortable with this here I'll immediately take it down. No questions asked, and write something else. =')
Words:: 4,125
Warnings:: Out Of Character Characters, probably. Masochism, angst, Gaara is a girl.
Some situations where you can interpret the following:: masochism, self-abuse, molestation.
Some situations are not appropriate for immature audiences:: everything above.
Rated:: M+
Disclaimer:: He writes it, he draws it, they edit it, they publish it, them there translates it, them there republishes it, I buy it, I write fan fictions about it.
Note:: Gently Bruised petals cover her eyes
That shine softly with a wish and
A regret.
You never talk about yourself.
Well, we'll see
how that
goes.
.: You :: Never :: Share :.
Furu ike ya
Kawazu tobikomu
Mizu no Oto
Naruto, I notice, smiles too much. He grins, laughs, and talks much too loudly. When we go to school dances he lets himself go far, far too wild for my tastes, and he is rather course in everyday life. Naruto talks and talks about things I know much more of, and care much less about. And Naruto smiles and smirks and laughs at the things that I know enough and a lot about, and like much more.
Like tomatoes.
And theories.
Sometimes sex.
Naruto likes making people happy, I notice this too. If Naruto succeeds in making a friend smile, he laughs louder, if Naruto makes a stranger laugh, his eyes are genuinely brighter. I don't understand this need that Naruto has, people are troublesome in the least and mean and petty at the most.
Sometimes, I don't know as much as I think I do, and I realize that, one night.
Because I'm out with my friends, Sakura asked me if I would go with her to the fair. I said yes, because Sakura is my friend and she won't ask anyone else, and I don't want to hurt her feelings.
The fair isn't a place I would normally go. It's too loud, far too many people are there, and it usually gives me head aches. But I likes my friends enough to meet up with them, watch them laugh and twist and ride rides I don't care for. I don't get too see them often, my new college is a little farther away from theirs. My studies keep me inside for the most part.
I'm at the fair, at any rate, with Sakura--who won't leave my side no matter how much I try to make this not a date, because it isn't, it's an excuse for me to meet my social requirements--and my other friends. There is Ino, Sasori, Gaara. A few other people, though I don't care enough to register them being there, event though they're my 'friends' and miss me.
And of course, there's Naruto. He's laughing and glancing at Gaara from the corner of his eyes, even while he's laughing with Ino, and talking about Sasori's clothes.
Sasori's clothes are nice, I think. I wish I have the time, or originality to do the things that Sasori does. I don't wish I were Sasori, Sasori is much, much too weird for me. I am weird too, but mine is a different kind of weird. It's a weird that I'm comfortable with, even if it lacks originality or anything like that.
Sakura taps my shoulder and says something about pictures or whatnot and I murmur a soft no, even though I don't know what's being said. I'm too busy fiddling with the twist tie sculpture that I'm making, bored of the rides, games, and food stalls we are surrounded by.
Are you sure, we have to take some, sometime? Sakura says, and I think about it.
Sakura's mother thinks this is a date, and she wants the pictures. My mother does as well, though she's not as deluded as to think of the social gathering as anything but what it was; a social gathering. So I acquiesce and nod and look at Sakura. I look at the photo booth we are near and shrug.
If you want…I start and trail.
It's not if I want, but if you want. Sakura says neatly.
But I doubt this, because what I wanted was to be home, writing or reading. Maybe sketching. I didn't want to take a picture, I hate taking pictures. I don't look right in them, I'm not photo worthy, not like some other people. Sakura, I note as well, isn't photo worthy. She has pretty eyes--I would like to draw those eyes--and her hair is soft, thick and pretty, but her face is a tad too round, her lips are too sharp. She doesn't look wrong in pictures, not like I look wrong in pictures, but I wouldn't want to photograph her. I think that I would rather draw her, to erase the imperfections she has with slow sweeps of my mechanical pencil, before locking the lines with my sharpie.
But I don't, because I don't think I could get her hair right…or her eyes.
So I nod and say that yes, I want to now. And Sakura smiles nervously and starts walking towards the photo booth. Her steps are fast, long. My slower, smoother gait is forced to speed up or be left behind. I don't like being left behind, so I speed up.
The person who is taking the pictures thinks we are on a date, and Sakura is--no doubt--ecstatic about that, even as she blushes and her eyes apologize.
I keep my hand loose and barely touching her where the photographer tells me to put it. I think that I might be having regrets. My loose smile doesn't feel comfortable, I never feel comfortable smiling. I think that the picture will come out bad, because I am in it, but I did what I said I would do and I follow Sakura away.
My friends are on a ride, I notice, and so I sit on a bench nearby, Sakura sitting next to me though she would no doubt rather be on the ferries wheel.
Then go! I want to shout, but she won't go because I wouldn't go with her unless she made me, and she won't make me. It's frustrating. Why can't she? She's much to awkward to be around while she thinks we are dating, and I don't have it in me to tell her the truth. That's another thing I dislike about myself, I'm a coward.
I save my breath.
I am working on the twist ties for the loose belt on my figurine when someone taps me on the shoulder--Chouji--and I turn to see Naruto sitting next to me. The boy is bent in half, with his head in his arms, and I feel something of sadness.
Naruto does this, sometimes, when we are in crowded places together--our group--he gets sad. It makes me wonder why doesn't he just stay home? But I'm one to talk, because I feel like doing what Naruto is doing, but I'm much too afraid to actually do it, so I shift closer and ignore Sakura in light of my other friend.
Naruto's hair is soft, I feel as I put my hand on Naruto's head in an awkward attempt to comfort. Naruto doesn't move, and I don't ask what is wrong because I feel that maybe Naruto is asked that too much and I don't know how to say that exactly.
So I just rest on Naruto's head and hope the slight pressure is enough. Chouji flitters away, and then everyone comes off the ride and suddenly I find myself pushed to the edge of Naruto's circle as everyone crowds him.
Ino frowns and asks what's wrong, now?
Her voice is loud.
Naruto shakes his head and there's much pulling, and Ino pursing her lips, and I'm sure Ino doesn't like Naruto much right now, because he's dampening her day.
Finally, after protests and headaches, one of our friends leads Naruto away, and I find my ears catching Ino's I know I do that, but at least I don't drag everyone down with me, so it's okay.
Like she's making herself better.
I find that I don't like Ino that much in that moment.
Someone asks me what was wrong with Naruto but I don't know, so I shake my head. I hope that I can just do what I'm doing in peace.
Sakura finally drags me on a ride, so I go, and when I get off, there's Naruto again, smiling like he always is. So I heads towards the bright blonde hair and we all sit down at another bench.
After useless talking, Naruto asks if we'll go with him for some ice cream. I had some, but no one else seems to want to go, so I say that I would go, and follow Naruto. Sakura obligingly follows.
Naruto's pace is fast, and I would say that he's irritated, but I'm not inside that blond head, so there's no way I could say for certain. Naruto gets some ice cream, and I get another as well. It's odd tasting ice cream, not bad but not the best.
We go back to the bench, and Naruto does what I wish I had the courage and flair to do, and flips his way onto his seat. I shake my head as Sakura sits down quietly and to the side.
We start talking, about little things. I feel like it's my duty to listen, I don't know why. But sitting and talking to Naruto is a good excuse not to spend my time with Sakura. It's not like Sakura doesn't know that I don't see my friends all that often, hell, just the other day Sakura and I met up at a café and talked.
That talk was weird, because at the end Sakura asked do you have any sisters--I'm just gonna ask questions I should know by now. Like we were already dating? I said no, and wondered why she would need to know that. I found that I knew little about Sakura. I knew that she had two younger sisters and that her father worked at some shirt place.
I don't know her favorite color, I'd almost forgotten her birthday. I knew that she was sheltered, she was smart but immature, and that she didn't like violence, unless exercising it on someother soul.
She doesn't know that I do in fact have sisters.
None of my friends know.
My father--before he met my mother and then left again--was married to a woman who gave him plenty of daughters and sons. I never met them, and they were technically half…but, ah well. I'd never had the need to tell anyone about them.
I note a change in Naruto's demeanor. And I learn a lot about my blonde friend.
The shattered water made a misty din.
Great waves looked over others coming in,
And thought of doing something to the shore
That water never did to land before.
Naruto has a tattoo on his stomach, a rather large tattoo. Or at least, he says that he has a tattoo on his stomach. He had gotten it two, three months before. I don't know if it is a lie, or if it is truth, I have nothing but Naruto's word. Naruto says he had gotten it for the pain. That the small cuts he had put on his legs weren't that much.
Naruto also says that his foster parents found out. I told them cause and effect. That's why I did it, cause and effect. That's a lie, I know. He knows it's a lie as well, his foster-parents don't.
Naruto doesn't like himself. He has low self-esteem. I don't know why, Naruto's eyes are beautiful and clear, and the boy's hair is soft and pure. His face isn't bad to look at. I don't think that I would use time to photograph Naruto, but I would draw him, and not change anything. Though, maybe I would photograph Naruto, because he has a certain presence.
Naruto talks a lot, and I lean close to listen. Sakura just sits and stares at nothing in particular.
I didn't know how much I was missing. There is a lot of how Naruto wants to make people happy, he feels like he should make people happy. I don't know why. People could be happy on there own or not. If people were sad, there were reasons they were sad, and I know that I, at least, don't like being interrupted when sad. Maybe Naruto knows this as well.
Naruto doesn't like going to the fair, because, he says, I feel like I need to be happy for the others to feel happy. But I can't, because fairs are for couples on Ferris wheels. That's why I was sad before…
I feel the same, but I refrain from saying it because Sakura is right there. To anyone looking at us, we are a couple. I have that thing that Naruto wants, and saying something like I know, I feel that way too, so easily…maybe Naruto would not take it well.
Naruto says he still likes you-know-who. Naruto laughs and says remember when we used to say that all the time, and Shino took it as the Harry Potter you-know-who?! And I force myself to grin and nod, because yes, I do remember that. But I think that that phrase is a little presumptuous because I, in fact, did not know who you-know-who was. I never had and no one told me.
But Naruto goes and says it--Gaara--and he continues talking. I don't get half of what Naruto says, and at the same time I understand everything. I've heard and gathered that Gaara's life isn't all that perfect, but no one has told me anything. I want to know, but don't ask, because I'm not that good at doing anything.
I had heard once, while still with the group, that Gaara's parents didn't like her, and stuff was happening. And maybe Gaara was thinking some bad things, and as much as I don't know what was up, and don't care one way or another if Gaara was there or not, someone would care, and Gaara herself cared, so I pondered. I had a half-baked idea of maybe getting a card, a simple card that said something like your smiles make me smile, because the times Gaara did smile were nice. And it wasn't like Gaara had to know who sent the card. It would be anonymous.
But that idea had been abandoned because I had enough money for the book I wanted and not much else. I feel a little bad that I was set off so easily, but not by much.
Naruto says that
He's in
Love.
And I nod and watch even while maybe Naruto just thinks that but I trail away from that and watch Naruto's eyes and a single tear
tracks its way down
a lightly dusted
cheek.
And I think that--with the shadows and his beautiful eyes glazed with water that Naruto is beautiful. I shouldn't be thinking that, with my friend pained in front of me, crying so beautifully--
But I do. Because its true.
Naruto doesn't want Gaara to know of his feelings, because it would be bad. She's already messed up, I'd just make it worse. And I don't think that's true because if Naruto really loved Gaara then Gaara would benefit so much. It would be Gaara who hurt Naruto in the end, and maybe Naruto knows that because I'm just so afraid of rejection, I've come to the point where I don't think any girl would like me. Like I'm just so…repulsive to them.
And I want to say If I was a girl, I wouldn't think you were repulsive. But I don't because that sounds contrite and I listen to Naruto.
I think that…guys are the only option left. And there's a stare so complete before Naruto shakes his head That's another problem…I'm practically gay. And he says that like being gay is a problem, and maybe it is, but I feel uncharacteristically hurt, but not really because Naruto doesn't know much of what I feel.
You know, the other year I wanted to kiss Chouji so badly, because I was just that lonely. That desperate kind of just floats in the air, and I feel sad, but at the same time a little remorseful, or vindictive for Chouji. I don't know if Naruto meant that it was because Chouji was a guy, or implied that Chouji was gay, or that Chouji was a little eccentric, but somehow Naruto implied that Chouji wasn't good enough.
I don't necessarily like Chouji, but I don't mind Chouji, and Chouji would be good enough for someone, in fact, Chouji was almost good enough for Naruto the other year, I think, already spiteful, but let Naruto continue his story uninterrupted.
The topics spin, and Naruto asks, Most everyone in our group has done some kind of self-inflicted injury, you?
And I am conscious of Sakura but nod slightly. My heart thumps because this isn't what I want to talk about but thankfully Naruto just goes on and Sakura doesn't move. It occurs to me that I am way to immersed in images.
I find myself counting the tears that trail its way down Naruto's cheeks and count three. Three crystalline tears. I see a lock of Naruto's hair and think, it looks so soft, and impulsively grab it and pet it. Twist it around pale fingers and look into Naruto's eyes.
I just said I liked guys, you don't care?
I shake my head, like I don't care. Naruto is Naruto, and I've got problems of my own.
Things wind down, and the fair is going to close soon. And we still talk.
You've got your mother to talk to, right?
I smirk and say But I don't usually talk to my mom about those things. And wonder how we got to that subject.
You don't talk to anyone. And I can't deny it, because it is true.
I told Deidara first, because he's in some shit, and he told me about his stuff, so I felt like I could talk to him. I understand. I'm selfishly sad that Naruto chose to talk to someone else first, that they both did. But I could have had Deidara's story if I asked, but I didn't, so there isn't much regret. Hinata's the only other person who knows. And I nod. Hinata is okay, she's an easy person to talk to, so that didn't bother me but you're the only one I told about…that. And I know that means those feelings about guys, and I'm ridiculously content that I get to hear that first, at least.
The fair is just about done, and Naruto smiles at me. We look around, and he leans towards Sakura Sorry for keeping your partner away. And I'm grateful he doesn't say date, because I'm not, and it's not. Sakura starts and looks at us before blinking and saying what? Naruto laughs, looks genuinely amused, as Sakura starts again I wasn't listening, I thought that would be rude. So I wasn't listening, are you okay now? Right? And I get the impression she says that because she has absolute faith that I can fix anything.
Wow, you're sweet! Naruto turns to me, laughing, his problems seemingly gone with this new side conversation, You had better kneel and propose right now, Sasuke! Like I even like Sakura like that, but I get the reasoning. What girl wouldn't listen in and spread gossip like fire? I just shake my head in a complacent way.
I try to make Naruto sure of the fact that he can call or email anytime to just talk, before the fair closes and I leave with Sakura. I feel slightly bad that my attention was taken away from her for the time we spent together, but she insists it's fine, so I take her to our car and ride back.
I drop her off, say good bye, and continue on my way home.
You never share with anyone.
My grip tightens on the wheel of the car as the voice goes through my mind. It is true, however, I hide so much more then I share, and I don't know why.
You never share with…
The night is cool, but I don't bother to turn on the heater, it wouldn't do any good. I would eventually step out of this car-haven, and would become cold once again.
You never share…
I'm honestly happy that Naruto chose to talk to me. It feels like I can do something, it really does.
You never…
That's what my whole life comes down to. You never. It's the ultimatum I motivate myself with.
Naruto has problems, I think. Naruto has problems, Gaara has problems, Ino has problems, Hinata has problems, Sakura has problems. Everyone has problems, I do, too. I just don't like talking about them. No, that's not true. I've never found someone who'll make me talk about them. I don't care, really.
I don't think my problems are any worse or better then anyone else's, not really. I do know they are a bit different, but I know I'm not the only one in the world who feels that way, really, I don't know why people go on about me sharing things about myself, there isn't much to say.
Naruto says he likes pain, well, yes, I'm not adverse to it either. I usually don't go out of my way and take a razor or a knife to my skin--that's only happened four times, maybe five--but I don't mind if my cats scratch me, or if I fall and hurt myself. If my hair gets twisted and pulled, that's fine. When we were younger--sometimes even now--and my friends liked to play those games Come on Sasuke, its Mercy! We bend each others wrists back until someone says mercy, I never lost. Or, I usually didn't loose. I'm flexible, and pain doesn't hurt the way it should.
Naruto says he feels like he needs to make people happy, I just don't care. People don't affect me the way they affect him. I have my friends, yes, and I care for them. But if I had to, I would leave them behind. Yes, if we were walking on a hike, and a cougar came after Naruto, or Sakura, or Shino, or anyone--even a stranger--I'd get its attention on me. I would die for them, but I would not give something up for them. Dying is easy, but if I had to do anything else, I'm not sure I would.
On the account of making them happy? People are never truly happy, and they are more beautiful when they cry. When they're hurt, when they're in pain. But maybe that's just me?
Naruto thinks himself
in love with
her.
I'm not in love with anybody. I never have been in love with anybody. I think people are pretty, or cute, or nice looking, but I've never felt for them how he claims he feels for Gaara. It's not like Naruto, where he feels no one--or at least girls--would, could not love him. (Which isn't true. Though I can't tell him that, because I'm not a girl, I can't tell him what I don't have facts for) It is because I know that I wouldn't be good for someone.
I don't care enough for anyone to pay attention to them. I abandoned Sakura for Naruto. I'd abandon Naruto for my mother. I'd abandon mother for myself, eventually. A relationship would be one-sided unless I got something out of it. Most likely tears.
Naruto wanted to kiss Chouji.
I've wanted to kiss Chouji.
I've wanted to kiss him, Shino, Neji, Sasori, Deidara.
I've wanted to kiss a lot of people, at one point or another, just to see how it felt on my lips.
I've wanted to kiss Naruto, kiss his tears away, though that's not unusual for me. When someone is crying, that's what I want to do. When someone is bleeding, I want to kiss the blood away. When someone is laughing, I want to touch them to see if it continues, or if it falters away. I never do.
I have problems, like everyone else. They're just different.
I don't write my father any more.
I miss my brother, even if when I was too young to actually remember, he did some things with me that got him sent away until I was twelve or so.
I don't like it when my mother is sad, but I usually make it so, anyways.
Whenever I imagine an angry face, I see my father's: red, his nose flared, his lips drawn down in an angry sneer, almost like a snarl.
When I was in drama, I wasn't nearly expressive enough. Sasuke, more emotion on your face, please. But it never happened.
You never share with anyone.
But you see…
there's really
nothing…
to share.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
[AN:
Poem's in order of appearance: Haiku by Matsuo Basho; excerpt from 'Once by the Pacific' by Robert Frost; 'Fire and Ice' by Robert Frost.
Note: Heh, I've been listening to evanescence, Rascal Flatts, System of a Down, Death Cab for Cutie, Garth Brooks, Johnny Cash and Tim McGraw for this… u.u
Again, dedicated to my friend. She's a great inspiration. And I felt indebted? for some reason. Yeah, between her and me. Tell me if you like it. I'm not even sure if I'm comfortable posting this…]