Originally written May 1999
Title: Breaking Barriers
Rating: M
Summary: Sequel to my story "Prelude." An AU coda to the episode "Threshold." P/T.
A/N: Thanks to Julie for beta reading. :)
Tom turned over restlessly, unable to sleep. Days later, he was still confused and disoriented from all that had resulted from crossing the warp ten barrier. He had been trying to make sense of his experiences, but unfortunately, nothing was making sense. He couldn't even remember that much anymore, just bits and pieces of his delirium.
He felt deflated. They had all been so excited about this project, so hopeful... but not anymore. And now that it was all over, he felt as though he had been cheated somehow.
He had crossed the transwarp threshold, but so what? It wasn't that great of an accomplishment. It hadn't gotten Voyager home. It hadn't altered the future path of humanity. All it had done was mutate him, kill him and make him act like a jerk. He had wreaked all sorts of havoc on Voyager, that he knew for certain.
He had failed. Again.
The door chimed, but he ignored it. He'd had enough sympathy to last him a long, long time. Many people had been by to visit him, to see for themselves that he was back to normal.
He wasn't. Not really. He might look all right on the outside, but he didn't feel all right.
He felt lonely and isolated...
And why shouldn't I, he thought self-piteously. No one understands me.
He didn't even understand himself. He had been trying to sort things out for days now, with little success. It was overwhelming.
The door chimed again.
"Go away," Tom said irritably.
But whoever it was persisted in ringing the doorchime once more.
He strode to the door, prepared to give whoever it was a piece of his mind. He didn't care if it was the captain herself. It was late, he didn't want to see anyone, and...
The doors opened.
He stared at his visitor, the last person he was expecting to see. "B'Elanna?"
"Hi, Tom. How are you feeling?"
He shrugged.
"Can I come in?" she asked, almost hesitantly.
Silently, he stepped aside, allowing her to enter. He hadn't seen her in the past few days, as he had been in Sickbay most of the time, and she hadn't bothered to visit him at all. He was surprised to see her... but here she was.
B'Elanna was dismayed to see how listless he looked. The Doctor had reassured her that Tom had recovered and was in perfect health, but somehow she doubted that. He looked... haunted.
She stood there awkwardly, uncertain whether she really wanted to be there or not. She had avoided visiting him in Sick Bay, but only because she didn't trust herself not to have an emotional breakdown. She had been so worried about him...
"I thought you might want to take a look at this," she finally said, handing him a data PADD containing the preliminary report on the shuttle mission. He spared it a cursory, disinterested glance before tossing it onto the coffee table.
She frowned. This wasn't like him. He'd been so excited about this project, and now he was acting like he didn't care at all.
"Don't you want to go over it? We worked so hard on this... and it paid off. You did it. You should be proud of yourself."
"Why? I didn't accomplish anything of value on this mission," he told her morosely.
"How can you say that?!" She sounded downright indignant.
"It's true. I had all these expectations, and none of them were fulfilled."
"Tom... you were the first pilot to break the warp ten barrier. That's quite an achievement. You'll be remembered as one of the greatest pilots that ever lived, along with Wright, Armstrong, Cochrane..."
He shook his head. "No. Don't compare me to them. Their work allowed the human race to develop, to evolve... to do incredible things that otherwise never would have been possible. They allowed humanity to become flight-capable, space-capable, warp-capable... I didn't do anything close to that. All I did was mutate," he said derisively. "This doesn't help us at all, doesn't change anything for us. We aren't even any closer to home. The whole thing was pointless."
"You don't know that," she argued. "Nothing changes overnight. For all we know, this could revolutionize our existence in ways we've never imagined."
He snorted. "Yeah, right."
"I'm serious. Who knows what results we'll see in the long run? No one ever realizes the enormity of a breakthrough at the actual moment that it happens. It's too early to tell. We can't foresee the future."
He didn't look at all convinced. "I don't have to. I already know that it won't have any impact."
"Listen to me. Do you think Zefram Cochrane had any idea what would happen when he made that first successful test flight in the Phoenix? Of course not! He had absolutely no idea that by achieving warp drive, he would introduce the human race to Vulcans, thereby setting off a chain of events that would lead to the formation of the Federation, of Starfleet... There was no way Cochrane could have predicted what an impact he would have on the future of humanity. And neither can we. We don't know what's going to happen as a result of your test flight."
"Sure we do. The human race is going to mutate into a bunch of salamanders," he said cynically.
"You don't know that," she said with exasperation. The man was incorrigible. But she had to make him see the significance of his achievement. She was so proud of him, and she couldn't let him disparage himself like this. He was obviously feeling sorry for himself, but she couldn't quite understand why.
Shaking her head, she told him, "This isn't like you."
He sighed. "I know, I know. It's just that... I always thought I was destined to do something great, something important... and I was hoping that this would be my chance," he confessed.
"You did do something great, Tom. You were the first pilot to ever cross the transwarp threshold. That's something to be proud of."
"What's to be proud of? I wanted to be a hero, and instead, all I got to be was a radioactive mutant."
She made a strangled sound of frustration. "You already are a hero."
"What are you talking about? No one in their right mind would consider me a hero. I didn't do anything heroic. I've never..."
"You don't have to. Being a hero is not about what you do. It's about who you are. And you have all the qualities of a hero: courage, strength, integrity, dedication, generosity, a kind heart, the best of intentions..."
Tom opened his mouth to interrupt, but she didn't let him.
"You didn't fly this mission for other people. Only yourself. No one expects you to pull off a miracle. And even if they do, they have no right to. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is what you think."
He started. That was exactly what he had told the captain, but it was a lot easier to say it than it was to actually believe it. To hear B'Elanna say it made it all the more real and believable to him.
"But for what it's worth, you are a hero to me," she continued softly but resolutely.
He stared at her. How could she possibly think of him as a hero? "You think I'm a hero?" he asked skeptically.
"Yes, I do."
"Why?"
"Why? Where would you like me to start?"
"At the beginning."
"Okay. You saved my life on the Ocampa homeworld."
"That wasn't just me. Neelix and Kes were there, too," he said with a dismissive shrug.
"But you carried me out of there, and you even went back for Chakotay. You saved his life, too," she reminded him. "That was all your doing."
He had to acknowledge the truth in that.
"And remember when we were trapped in the Vadiian mines, after they extracted my Klingon DNA? You were there for me, helping me get through that... I never would have been able to go on if it hadn't been for you."
He shook his head. "You saved us in the end. Your human and Klingon halves working together."
"But you were there for me when I needed you. That meant a lot to me."
Tom didn't have a response to that.
"And what about when you saved my life a couple weeks ago, flying to my rescue when I was being held hostage by the Pralor robots?"
He shrugged again. "Just doing my job."
"No. You go beyond that. You go out of your way to help others, even if it means risking your own life. You're not afraid to care... "
This was starting to get very personal, but she couldn't stop now. Even it if made her uncomfortable, she had to tell him how much he meant to her. She couldn't stand seeing him moping around, feeling sorry for himself. Taking a deep breath, she plunged on ahead. "You're a good friend. You've never given up on me. You're not intimidated by me..."
"B'Elanna –"
"I... I value your friendship," she told him sincerely. "I have nothing but the greatest respect and admiration for you."
He was stunned but managed to say, "The feeling is mutual."
That's an understatement, he thought wryly. He couldn't even begin to express the depth of his respect and admiration for her. For as long as he could remember, he had worked hard to earn her trust and respect, knowing it didn't come easy.
It seemed that he had been eminently successful. He had managed to win her loyalty, and she wasn't going to let him beat up on himself like this.
She smiled slightly, gratified to see that he had taken her words to heart. That he believed her. That she could do this much for him. That her opinion meant something to him. She was fiercely devoted to him and would do just about anything for him.
It had taken almost losing him before she realized how much she cared about him and what an important part of her life he had become. She couldn't imagine a day without him.
B'Elanna stopped pacing and sat down, rubbing her temples. The stress and fatigue of the past few days were catching up with her.
He finally noticed how tired and anxious she looked, realizing just how worried she had been. About him.
He was amazed that she would be this concerned about him. "I didn't think you cared," he said quietly.
She shook her head mutely. "When the Doctor told me that you were dead..." Her voice cracked as she fought back tears at the memory of his death. She had been absolutely devastated and would have done anything to bring him back.
"Tom.... when you died... I realized that ... I realized how much you mean to me..."
He looked into her eyes, surprised to see the tears pooling there. She didn't say any more and wouldn't look at him. She just sat there, lower lip trembling, tears threatening to trickle down her cheeks. Suddenly, all he wanted to do was protect and comfort her. She looked so fragile, so vulnerable.
"B'Elanna." He tentatively placed his arm around her. She didn't pull away. Slowly, his arms encircled her completely, and she allowed herself to be drawn into his embrace. She was crying freely by this time.
He stroked her dark, silken hair, not quite believing that this was happening. That she was crying over him and that she was in his arms like this.
"Shh... it's all right," he whispered in her ear. "I'm here."
No, it's not all right, she wanted to say. I almost lost you. Not that he was really hers to lose, but her sense of loss had been so complete and overwhelming...
He wasn't sure what to do, exactly, so he merely continued holding her close.
His mind was reeling. Could it be possible that she actually cared about him... as much as he cared about her? Did he dare hope...?
Filled with tenderness, he gazed down at her. She looked exhausted. Pale, with dark circles under her eyes... but still beautiful. Always beautiful.
Eventually her sobs subsided, but he was reluctant to let her go, and she was just as reluctant to leave his embrace.
Her thoughts and emotions were in turmoil. There was so much she wanted to tell him, so much she had to say. Everything that she had realized in the past few days, but she didn't know where to start.
Or maybe she did.
She took a deep breath. "I love you."
He froze, certain he hadn't heard correctly, that those words had merely been a figment of his imagination. A result of wishful thinking, of dreams...
She was searching his face, trying to gauge his reaction. She was afraid that she had made a mistake, but she couldn't hide the truth any longer. No more running away. Not after she had come so close to losing the man she loved. If there was one thing she had learned from all this, it was that life was unpredictable and that she should tell him how she really felt. Because she might not have another chance.
"I love you, Tom," she repeated, a little louder.
Stunned, he listened to her haltingly pour her heart out.
"I love you for who you are – the caring, courageous, brilliant man that you are. You don't have to prove anything to me. You don't have to save the ship, or break any records, or get us home, or anything like that. In my eyes, you're already a hero..."
At a complete loss for words, he shook his head. He was having difficulty registering all this in his shell-shocked brain. But one thing kept echoing in his head.
I love you. She loved him. No doubt about it.
And suddenly everything seemed so clear. Everything that he had been through... none of it seemed so bad anymore.
His heart soared. If she could love him... there was nothing beyond his reach. Anything was possible.
She was perfectly aware of his shortcomings, failures and weaknesses -- she had certainly pointed them out to him on countless occasions – but even knowing that, she was capable of loving him. She loved him despite his imperfections. She believed in him, and that was all he needed.
Returning to the present, he realized that she had misinterpreted his silence and was now hurriedly saying, "But I don't expect anything from you... you shouldn't feel obligated to... I just wanted you to know..."
She was desperately trying to convince herself of that, bracing herself for the inevitable rejection. Trying to restrain her raw emotions, she fell silent.
Her expression was wary, but he could see the pain in her eyes. Realizing the emotional turmoil she had been through in the past few days, he wanted nothing more than to comfort her, ease her pain the way she had eased his. He was filled with gratitude that she had the courage to open her heart to him and admit that she loved him, and he wanted to reassure her that he cared about her as well.
"B'Elanna, I –" He stopped.
There was so much he wanted to say to her, but couldn't.
So all he did was hug her closer. Not having the words to tell her what he wanted to say, he instead expressed it with his actions, leaning in to brush his lips against hers, ever so softly.
She wasn't expecting that and froze for a moment, but then her arms instinctively tightened around him. Overwhelmed with emotion, greatly relieved that he wasn't rejecting her, she kissed him back tentatively.
He cradled her close, and she snuggled against him, leaning her head on his chest. Her eyes drifted closed.
He intended to leave it at that, but she sighed with such contentment that he was tempted to kiss her again. Bending down, he tentatively touched his lips to her ridged forehead, then the tip of her nose. As she shifted closer to him, lifting her face to his, he traced the contours of her cheek and jaw in a gentle caress.
Before he knew it, he was nipping at her earlobe, then boldly nibbling at her slender neck.
"Tom..." She moaned softly, sweetly. The passionate desire and longing she had been suppressing for so long was allowed to surface at long last. Needing more, her lips eagerly sought his in a soul-searing kiss that quickly became ravenous. Her full lips were so soft beneath his, so warm and inviting, that he began probing with his tongue. She parted her lips for him, allowing him to fully explore the sweetness she offered.
B'Elanna whimpered as he lovingly kissed his way down her body, unfastening her uniform in the process. When he had uncovered her from the waist up, he stopped to cup one perfect breast in the palm of his hand, marveling at how soft and firm it was at the same time. He lowered his mouth to her other breast, lazily circling the peak with his tongue as his hands continued to caress her, making her moan again.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice was telling him that everything was happening too fast and that he should stop, but he couldn't bring himself to do that. She was so willing and eager in his arms – she wanted this as much as he did – and her response to him was so intense, so passionate. He could have held back had it not been for that, the sweeping force of her desire. Combined with his, it was irresistible, overwhelming them both.
She was tugging at his clothes, desperate to touch him everywhere. She worked her hands under his shirt, feeling the firm muscles there, entangling her fingers in his chest hair. He groaned heavily in appreciation. With her help, he pulled his shirt off, then his pants.
Gazing down at her beautiful face with rising desire, Tom knew he wouldn't be content until he was between her thighs, deep inside her, moving with her in perfect harmony.
But first...
He felt that she deserved only the best. It seemed like a miracle to him to have finally found someone who was capable of loving him. To be with her like this was beyond expectation. Someone who loved him for who he was, who asked for nothing in return, who tried so hard to help him... A woman who understood him.
He was grateful to her for her loyalty, her devotion, her faith in him. Her love for him. It filled him with hope, gave him strength and confidence, made him believe again. They had a future together.
He wanted to do everything in his power to be worthy of her. To love her, worship her, show her all the tenderness in his heart.
Sliding his hands to her hips, under her uniform trousers, he removed the rest of her clothing.
She was trembling under his tender caresses. He gently ran his hands along her inner thighs, feeling them tense and quiver with anticipation. He eased them apart, trailing soft kisses until he reached his ultimate destination.
She moaned, feeling the heat of his mouth and tongue on her most sensitive area, the gateway to her pleasure. She had never known pleasure like this before, and it shook her to the core.
She had dreamt of being with him, but this far surpassed her every fantasy. Finally she could give herself completely to the man she loved. A man who cared about her deeply, who wanted everything she had to offer: her love, trust, friendship, and not just the physical pleasure of her body. A man who wanted to give her everything he had to give in return.
He lapped at her leisurely, savoring the heavenly scent and taste of her.
She tossed restlessly, urging him on, but he drew back, rising slightly to gaze upon her. She was staring at him, wide-eyed and panting. The look in her eyes was pure need now, entreating him for more.
He was amazed by the love and trust he saw there. He bent down to kiss her again and again, never wanting it to end.
She pressed against him eagerly, moving provocatively beneath him. Enticing him.
Moments later, he entered her with a slow, deep thrust, letting her feel all of it.
B'Elanna gave a short gasp. She was already ultra-sensitive from his previous ministrations, and that made the sensation all the more intense. She hadn't been expecting it to feel like this.
She clung to him, overwhelmed by the sensations he was arousing in her. The friction, the heat, the pressure building up within her... it was exquisite. She could have wept from the sheer joy of it.
The incredible intimacy of it all... The connection between them was so strong, because the emotional bond enhanced the physical pleasure.
His hard length stroking in and out of her in velvety caresses... her moist heat surrounding him... the mounting pressure they both felt... They were rapidly spiraling out of control, merging as one.
Tom bent down to kiss her forehead again, drinking in her face. Her expression was pure rapture as she arched against him. She cried out his name, shuddering beneath him as she reached her climax, a rippling, thundering explosion.
As he felt her surrender, the last shred of control left him. Burying his face in the dainty curve of her neck, he groaned in utter abandon, pouring his seed into her.
Immediately afterward, he collapsed on top of her, gasping for breath. Hearts racing, bodies quaking, they savored the slick new heat between them.
The tremors gradually subsided. He rolled over so as not to crush her, but they were still closely entwined, murmuring passionate endearments to each other, and words of love and appreciation.
He had been everywhere in the universe, but he didn't want to be anywhere except with her. Finally, he had finally found the answers he had been looking for, in her arms. The peace, serenity and harmony that he had sought for so long. She made sense out of his confusion. He had rediscovered his place in the universe. Purpose. Meaning.
Love.
He wasn't alone anymore. This was where he belonged. On Voyager, with B'Elanna.
Early the next morning, B'Elanna awoke in unfamiliar surroundings, realizing that she wasn't alone in bed... and certainly not in her own bed.
Her sleep-addled brain thought it might be another realistic dream, which was highly possible. She'd had more than her share of those.
But it wasn't a dream, she realized as Tom shifted slightly against her and reached out to lightly caress her cheek.
"Good morning," he whispered.
For one brief instant she panicked. She wasn't sure what to do, how she felt about everything that had happened last night.
But then, it had been what she wanted, she reminded herself. What she still wanted. She loved him and wasn't going to run away from that anymore.
She relaxed, sinking back into the pillows and placing her hand on his arm.
"Good morning."
This was better than anything she'd dreamt of... waking up in the arms of the man she loved.
Relieved, he relaxed as well. For a moment he'd been afraid that she regretted spending the night with him.
He smiled at her, a genuine, open smile from the heart that flooded her with a wave of warmth and tenderness.
"What time is it?" she asked with a yawn.
"Oh, nearly 0500."
"That early?"
"It's not that early. I thought you were a morning person."
"I usually am. But I didn't think you were."
"I'm not. But right now... I can think of better things to do than sleep..." He looked her over appraisingly, eyes twinkling with mischief.
Suddenly feeling shy, B'Elanna pulled the covers up around her, carefully covering herself.
Tom was amused by her modesty. Considering all the intimacies that they had shared last night, he was now familiar with every delectable detail of her shapely form.
She decided to change the subject. "What was it like? Crossing the transwarp threshold, I mean." She couldn't help but be curious.
Regarding her thoughtfully, he finally shrugged. "I was everywhere at once, but nowhere. With everyone, but with no one. Nothing made sense. I was lost..." At that last statement, he turned away with a slight frown. Apparently it still didn't make sense to him.
"Tom..." She reached for him, snuggling against him and letting him no that he wasn't alone and would never have to be again.
He hugged her back gratefully. Cupping her face in his hands, he kissed her gently.
No longer self-conscious, she kissed him back with abandon.
"Everything makes sense when I'm with you..." he whispered in her ear.
Her arms tightened around him. She felt the same way.
They kissed again but were interrupted as her stomach rumbled. They both laughed, and she remembered, "I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday." She had gone straight to his quarters after her duty shift, planning to eat dinner afterwards. But that hadn't happened, as she had gotten... sidetracked.
Tom replicated some breakfast while B'Elanna went to take a shower. He debated what to order for a moment, then decided on an assortment of fruit, English muffins and coffee.
A short while later, he was sipping his steaming hot coffee when she returned, clad in his blue robe, looking perfectly comfortable and at home in it. Her eyes lit up at the sight of the platter of food.
Smiling, he watched as she selected items for her plate and began eating breakfast. He felt such tenderness for her, mingled with affection and passion.
At the moment, she was happily nibbling on a strawberry, and he had the urge to nibble on her.
I could definitely get used to this, he thought. It was all very domestic, warm and comfortable. And he loved it. He could easily imagine waking up in her arms every morning. Sharing breakfast together.
She noticed that he wasn't eating, that he was staring at her instead.
"Aren't you hungry?" she asked, dangling a juicy icoberry in front of him.
He accepted the morsel but replied, "Not particularly. At least, not for food."
Blushing a little under his intent, smoldering gaze, she turned away. He had such a powerful effect on her, and she was certain that her feelings were written all over her face. That unnerved her.
"B'Elanna." With a start, she realized that he was kneeling down in front of her, gazing earnestly into her eyes. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable –"
Her response was to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him. Knocked off-balance, he fell backwards, taking her with him.
Tom grunted slightly as they landed on the floor with a resounding thump. Breakfast forgotten, they went about assuaging a very different sort of hunger.
Still entangled in each other, they began rapidly disrobing each other, both needing to feel bare skin against bare skin. She ached to feel him inside her again...
They didn't even hear the door chime the first time it sounded, as they were too caught up in each other.
The second chime they did hear, but they chose to ignore it, continuing with their amorous activities instead.
But they were interrupted as whoever it was resorted to knocking at the door... and the sound of the captain's voice came over the comm system. "Tom? Are you all right?"
They both froze. They couldn't very well avoid the captain.
Tom hurriedly grabbed his dark blue robe and tossed it to B'Elanna, then struggled to put on his bathrobe.
"Come in," he managed to say. They hardly looked presentable, but there was nothing they could do about it.
The doors opened... and there stood Captain Janeway, clearly astonished to see B'Elanna in Tom's quarters at 0530, clad in nothing but his dark blue robe, which was way too big for her.
B'Elanna flushed scarlet, pulling the robe tightly around herself. She knew how this must look, the two of them thoroughly disheveled, out of breath and on the floor, at this hour.
No one said anything for several moments.
Finally, the captain spoke. "Good morning. You two are up awfully early. I hope you slept well," she said mildly.
Tom and B'Elanna exchanged glances.
"We slept just fine... We were just having breakfast," he explained as convincingly as he could manage.
Raising an eyebrow, the captain replied, "I see."
"Would you like some coffee, Captain?" B'Elanna asked, trying to regain her composure.
She hid a knowing smile. "Thank you, but I think I'll pass. Another time, perhaps."
"Of course."
Captain Janeway nodded, a trace of amusement glinting in her eyes. She was in good spirits. "Sorry to disturb you. I was just passing by when I... heard something. I thought you might need some assistance."
"We're fine," Tom reassured her.
She nodded again, as if to say, "I can see that." Coughing discreetly to cover her chuckle, she continued. "I apologize again for the intrusion. It looks as though I have terrible timing, Tom. Considering that the last time I dropped by for a visit, you were... similarly attired," said the captain in a teasing tone.
B'Elanna's jaw dropped. What did that mean? She didn't even want to consider the possibilities.
"No problem," he said hastily. "See you on the Bridge."
"Enjoy your breakfast," she called out as the doors closed.
Silently, they turned back to each other. The romantic mood had been effectively shattered.
B'Elanna was rattled, he could tell. He didn't blame her. Truth be told, he was feeling a little shaken up as well, though he didn't show it.
To her, he seemed relatively composed, which only unsettled her even more.
"B'Elanna..."
"Who were you with the last time Captain Janeway walked in on you?" she demanded, having difficulty containing her jealousy. Her greatest fear was that he didn't take any of this seriously. Didn't take her seriously.
That hurt. "No one," he insisted.
"Then what did she mean, 'you were similarly attired?'"
"The night before the transwarp test flight, she stopped by to discuss the Doctor's recommendation that Harry make the test flight instead of me. It was late, and I was in my bathrobe. That's all."
Somewhat appeased, she nodded. But then another disturbing thought occurred to her, and she frowned. "What if she says something... ?"
"B'Elanna. The captain's not one to gossip."
That was true, she had to admit.
Finally, she relented and returned to his arms. It felt good to be there. It felt right, like she belonged there. With him.
So she decided not to worry about it anymore and snuggled deeper in his arms.
With a sigh of relief, he hugged her close and lightly kissed her forehead.
Perplexed, the Doctor shook his head as Neelix stormed out of Sickbay. I will never understand...
The Doctor was certainly aware that jealousy was an irrational emotion, but he hadn't realized it could be this bad. He had made the mistake of mentioning offhand to Neelix that Tom had requested a kiss from Kes... and Neelix had taken offense. The fact that Tom had been completely delirious, mutating, dying and that he couldn't even remember any of it made no difference to Neelix. He had the honor of his lady to defend. At least, that was how he saw it.
Neelix was fuming. Usually he was good-natured and fairly unflappable, but right now he was seeing red. And all of his anger was directed at Tom Paris.
He had thought that they had resolved that issue... but apparently he had been wrong.
Lately, he and Kes had been growing more and more distant. He felt that their relationship was in a fragile state, and that made him nervous. The Doctor's offhand comment had only served to remind him of his insecurities. He felt threatened.
Kes had been so upset when Tom had died. Well, they had all been upset, but somehow Neelix didn't like seeing Kes so emotionally distraught over another man. It seemed to him that she cared a little too much... and knowing that Tom was extremely fond of her as well only raised his suspicions and made his jealousy flare out of control.
He intended to confront Tom the first chance he got.
At that moment, Tom and Harry walked in to the Mess Hall for lunch, talking cheerfully. Tom had just confided that things were going well between him and B'Elanna, and Harry couldn't have been happier.
Harry was thrilled that his two best friends had finally seen the light and owned up to their feelings. He had seen it coming for a long time. In the beginning it had been quite a challenge even getting the two of them to talk to each other. Even when they did, they usually ended up sparring or quarreling with each other, trading sharp witticisms and insults. They seemed to delight in provoking each other. But Harry had sensed the attraction and growing affection between them and had recognized the potential for passion and a beautiful relationship for his two best friends. He had always done his best to encourage it at every opportunity.
They were completely absorbed in their conversation and didn't even notice Neelix until he was standing right next to their table.
"Neelix," Harry said with some surprise.
Neelix wasted no time being cordial. "Could you excuse us for a moment, Harry? I'd like to talk to Tom."
Tom and Harry exchanged puzzled glances. "Uh... okay." Harry got up slowly. "I think I'll go replicate myself a sandwich or something..."
Neelix sat down in the seat Harry had vacated.
"What's on your mind, Neelix?"
"Is it true that you asked Kes to kiss you?" Neelix suddenly asked.
Tom did a double-take. "What?"
"The Doctor told me that you wanted a kiss from her..."
"When was this?"
"When you were in Sickbay after you first started mutating!"
"Oh, that."
"Did you or did you not ask her to kiss you?"
Tom racked his brain, trying to remember. "I don't know... I might have. I was mostly delirious, so I probably said a lot of things. I don't really remember..." He shrugged dismissively. To him, it wasn't that important.
But to Neelix it was, and Tom's nonchalance only made him angrier. He unceremoniously slammed his palms against the table.
"I'm warning you, stay away from her!"
Tom was taken aback, as all this had seemed to come out of nowhere.
As Neelix stomped off, Harry returned to the table. He had seen and heard the whole exchange, as had the rest of the Mess Hall. Uh-oh, he thought uneasily. This can't be good.
There was too much at stake...
B'Elanna had heard all the rumors regarding Tom, Neelix and Kes. Everyone had heard about that by now.
She didn't know what to think. She was having difficulty reining in her own jealousy. Angry and hurt, she paced back and forth in her quarters, brooding.
I might have known that he wasn't serious about me, she thought bitterly. He had merely been trifling with her affections.
No, that wasn't entirely fair. He did care about her, just not enough. Not enough to make a commitment. Not enough to have a real, long-term relationship.
She couldn't blame him for that. Couldn't make him love her if he didn't. Couldn't expect that from him.
She had thought that it would be enough that she loved him and that he cared about her... but it wasn't. She had only been deluding herself. No matter how many times she told herself that... The sad truth was that she wanted him to love her the way she loved him.
Closing her eyes, she steeled herself not to break down.
As much as she wanted to be with him, she knew she had to break it off. It was too painful, and she couldn't bear it. She couldn't be with him knowing that he would never love her as much as she loved him. Knowing that what they had together would never mean as much to him as it did to her.
It wasn't fair. She loved him more than anything and would do anything for him. Give him everything she was capable of giving...
But he didn't want it.
Blinking back tears, she resolved to tell him it was over between them. His pride might be bruised for a little while, but he'd get over it soon enough. He'd move on to someone else. Someone more beautiful, more understanding, more complacent. Someone who was better suited to him.
That thought only made her feel worse. There was nothing she could do about it, though. Better to make a clean break of it and never let on how her heart was breaking.
She was certain that it was plain to everyone, though. The heartbreak she was going through.
The door chimed, bringing her back to the present.
"Come in."
Tom came in, looking weary, but at the sight of her his face brightened. "Hey," he said softly.
Evading his embrace, she turned away from him.
"B'Elanna? What's wrong?"
She drew a shaky breath. "I don't think we should see each other anymore."
Shocked, he gaped at her. "What?"
"You heard me. I don't want to see you anymore."
His heart plummeted. No... this can't be happening. She was telling him that they were through. It wasn't possible.
"What's going on?"
She was avoiding the issue, but finally, it came out. "It's clear to me that you're not interested in having an exclusive relationship."
"What?!"
"You're still in love with Kes..."
He couldn't believe he was hearing this.
"I have never been in love with Kes! I might have thought I was at one time, but..."
She wasn't listening. She didn't believe one word of it.
"Everyone knows that Neelix even confronted you about this the other day, and you didn't deny it."
"Don't tell me you actually believe the rumors!"
She glared at him. "Neelix wouldn't have gotten so angry if he didn't have good reason to be. He's not the type to overreact."
"When it comes to Kes, he is!"
But it was no use. She obviously didn't believe him, and there was nothing he could say to convince her otherwise. She was determined to break it off.
Or maybe she had merely been looking for an excuse. His heart sank at that thought. It was possible that she had changed her mind or realized that she had made a mistake. That she had realized that she didn't really love him, that she had merely felt sorry for him and had misinterpreted her sympathy as deeper feelings for him, and now wanted a convenient way out.
Why else would she be doing this? Did she really have so little faith in him?
"Fine... if that's what you want." He turned away, withdrawing. He couldn't let her see how much he was hurting. Couldn't let her know she could do this to him, cause him so much pain.
She swallowed hard, trying not to cry. So I was right. He hadn't even tried to talk her out of it. Obviously he didn't feel that what they had together was worth fighting for. He agreed with her that they would be better off apart.
It was for the best.
A few days later the rumors had died down. Neelix had come to his senses somewhat and had even made overtures of reconciliation.
But it didn't make Tom feel much better. It was too late for that... He had already lost B'Elanna.
Nothing made up for the emptiness he felt inside, the void.
After experiencing what it was like to be with her, to be loved by her completely and unconditionally, how could he go back to being alone?
So alone...
Even though he was surrounded by friends and fellow crewmembers in the crowded Mess Hall, he felt alone.
Kes approached him cautiously. "Hi, Tom."
"Hi."
"How are you feeling?"
He was starting to hate that question. Ever since the transwarp experience, everyone always seemed to be asking him, "How are you feeling?" But he knew that she only meant well, so he evenly replied, "Fine."
There was a long pause. She sensed that he wasn't as well as he let on.
"Is something wrong?" she asked, concerned.
He shrugged.
From across the room, Neelix watched with a frown.
He was starting to feel really guilty about what had happened... and alarmed by how hollow and lifeless Tom looked.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she pressed.
Tom shook his head numbly. He didn't think it'd be a good idea to talk to her. It would only fuel the rumors, and he didn't want to deal with that right now. He certainly didn't want to give Neelix more reason to distrust him. Didn't want to give B'Elanna more reason to hate him. He was already uncomfortable as it was, aware that people were starting to stare.
Lost in thought, he left the Mess Hall, mumbling a hurried good-bye to Kes.
I might have known it was too good to last, he thought bitterly. What he and B'Elanna had shared had been beyond compare, but not destined to last, it seemed. No matter how much he might want it to.
No, she seemed determined not to have anything to do with him.
How could she see so much good in him but have no faith when it came to his fidelity to her?
He supposed his reputation as a womanizer didn't give her much to believe in, but it still hurt.
What hurt most was knowing that she didn't trust him to fulfill her emotional needs. He had always seen her seeking comfort and advice from Chakotay, Harry, others... but not from him. She could allow him to fulfill her physically, but not emotionally... and he wanted to fulfill both.
Because she did that for him. Physical intimacy with her was incredible, but he also craved the emotional intimacy. He felt safe with her. Loved. Valued. Appreciated. Reassured. Like he could do anything... because she believed in him. Loved him.
He needed her. He wanted to share everything with her... and wanted, needed the same from her.
She was so passionate in his arms, so giving, trusting. He could feel it. It was so beautiful when they made love, openly sharing and communicating without words. The trust between them was incredible.
But when it came to opening up to him emotionally, she was reluctant. Obviously she didn't feel comfortable talking about her problems and feelings with him.
Whatever the reason, it didn't really matter. All he knew was that somehow, he had messed up... again.
The door chimed. "Come in," he said, unable to contain the spark of irrational hope that it was B'Elanna at his door... that maybe she had come to tell him that it was all a terrible misunderstanding and that she still loved him, wanted to be with him...
"Hi, Tom."
No such luck.
"Hi, Harry."
"Everything okay?"
"No, not really."
Harry couldn't remember the last time he had seen his best friend so dejected.
"Want to talk about it?"
Tom laughed harshly. "What's to talk about. She's made up her mind, and she's not going to change it."
"You don't know that."
"Yeah I do. She already told me as much."
"I'm sure the two of you can work this out. It's just a misunderstanding, that's all."
He shook his head. "She doesn't trust me."
"What?"
"Haven't you ever noticed... She'll talk to you -- and Chakotay -- but not to me. She's never liked confiding in me. She'd rather talk to you."
"That's not true."
"Isn't it?"
Harry tried to think of a good response to that. "Well... it's not quite the same. She's not in love with me."
"She's not in love with me, either."
"Of course she is."
Tom snorted. "Yeah, right. Then why did she dump me?"
Harry didn't have an answer to that. "I don't know," he said at last. "But I'm going to find out."
Harry was worried. This unexpected turn of events had thrown a wrench in Tom and B'Elanna's relationship, which until now had been progressing so well.
This wasn't good...
But it was still salvageable, and he would do everything in his power to make sure they worked this out. He owed it to his best friends to look out for their happiness.
He caught up with her on the way to the turbolift.
"Hey, B'Elanna."
"Harry," she acknowledged curtly.
"Do you have a minute? I need to talk to you."
"About what?"
"About Tom."
She turned away from him abruptly. "I have nothing to say about that."
"B'Elanna... what's going on? What happened between the two of you?"
"Why don't you go ask him."
"I already did," he told her. "Now I'm asking you."
The turbolift doors opened and they stepped in.
He tried another angle. "He thinks... you don't trust him."
"Maybe I don't."
"But you want to. Admit it. You love him."
She stiffened. "What does it matter?"
"He loves you, too."
That made her angry. "Don't give me that, Harry. I have no reason to believe it."
"But he does," Harry insisted.
An uncomfortable silence settled between them as the turbolift continued on its way.
He persisted. "Don't you trust him?"
She sighed. "I do trust him. I just don't trust myself."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... I don't know if I can handle a relationship with him..."
Most of all, she was insecure about her ability to keep him interested. It was difficult for her to believe that he'd want to have a lasting relationship with her.
"B'Elanna –"
She cut him off as the turbolift stopped at her deck. "I have a lot of work to do. I'll talk to you later."
Sighing, she headed back to Main Engineering. As she rounded the corner, she nearly bumped into Kes.
"B'Elanna. I've been looking all over for you."
"I have to get back to Engineering," she said brusquely.
Not to be deterred, Kes fell in step with her.
"I just wanted you to know... The rumors aren't true. Neelix doesn't have any reason to be jealous of Tom. There isn't anything between us."
B'Elanna didn't say anything. Out of the corner of her eye, she studied Kes carefully, reminded of the cruel reality of her situation.
Kes was everything she wasn't. She was sweet, gentle, trusting, delicate, mild-tempered, kind to everyone, beautiful... Everyone liked her. She had a fragility about her that made men want to protect her, take care of her. The kind of woman that men wanted to have a relationship with.
When was the last time a man wanted to have a real relationship with me? B'Elanna asked herself cynically.
"Tom cares about you," Kes told B'Elanna softly but firmly.
B'Elanna was not impressed. She knew that he cared about her, but that wasn't enough. That made it all the more difficult to walk away from him, because it was so easy to run to him. She wanted to let herself believe that he could care about her the way she cared about him, but in her heart she knew that wasn't the case.
"At least give him another chance. He needs you."
He needs me? That was even more impossible to believe.
They arrived at Main Engineering, and B'Elanna disappeared through the doors without so much as a backward glance.
Hours later, she had completed her work but was still no closer to figuring out what to do about her relationship with Tom.
B'Elanna closed her eyes, uncertain as to what she should do. She loved him, that much she knew... but was she brave enough to try and make this work?
She wanted to believe in him, in herself, that they could make this work, together, but she was afraid to open her heart to him precisely because she loved him so much. If he rejected her, she would be devastated.
But if he didn't...
Tom fidgeted nervously, thinking of everything he wanted to tell B'Elanna.
Harry's words echoed in his head. "You have to tell her how you feel about her. How else is she going to know? She needs to be reassured that you love her and want to be with her... that you're committed to this relationship."
She was eyeing him suspiciously. "Why would you want to be with me? I'm bad-tempered, hostile, aggressive –"
"But you're also passionate, courageous, intelligent, strong, loyal, beautiful, and..." His voice faltered a little, but he forced himself to continue. "And... I love you."
She didn't respond to that. "I'm nothing like Kes," she reminded him instead.
He shook his head. "I don't want you to be. Why are you comparing yourself to her?"
"You were in love with her not too long ago."
"No," he said firmly. "I wasn't in love with her."
It was true. He had been lonely and confused his longing for companionship with being in love. Hungering for company and acceptance, he had deluded himself into thinking that was falling in love. That was easier to deal with than admitting how desperately he needed companionship.
"A little kindness was all I was looking for, and Kes always provided that. She's a good friend. A good person."
B'Elanna started to say something, but he didn't let her.
"I was lonely... and envious of the closeness that Kes and Neelix shared. I wanted to have that with someone – anyone – so desperately that I latched onto whoever seemed a possible candidate. But longing for companionship isn't the same thing as loving someone. I know that now."
Her eyes narrowed. "What makes you so sure that you love me, then? Maybe you're only deluding yourself again."
He shook his head, searching for the words to explain how he felt. "You understand me. You know what it's like to suffer, to struggle. You know what it's like to feel like you have to redeem yourself and live with your own failed expectations. But you're not afraid... It doesn't stop you from living life to the fullest..."
"No," she contradicted him. "I am afraid. Afraid to lose control. Afraid to let myself feel..."
Moving closer to her, he took her hand. "It frightens me too... But I don't want to pretend it doesn't exist. I don't want to hide from my feelings..."
"Neither do I," she admitted with a sigh. She still had her doubts, but there was hope. Together, they could make this work.
Suddenly, she felt more at peace with herself than she had for a long time. She permitted herself a small smile. "You realize that we'll always be arguing..."
He gave her a lopsided grin. "I know. But I kind of like it that way."
She laughed softly. "Actually... so do I."
"Stay with me, please," he whispered, nuzzling her neck, needing to be close to her.
Her arms tightened around him. She never wanted to let him go.
And she wouldn't have to.
"Can't you see how much they care about each other? How could you possibly think that Tom was trying to steal me away from you?"
Neelix and Kes watched as Tom and B'Elanna burst out laughing over some private joke. They looked so happy together.
"Neelix," said Kes firmly. "I think you owe them an apology."
Neelix looked to where Tom and B'Elanna were sitting. They were obviously very much in love, the way he and Kes were. He sighed, knowing that she was right. His own insecurity had gotten the better of him. He had behaved badly and had to admit it. Had to admit that he had been wrong and make it up to them somehow. They were his friends, and he had been wrong to let his jealousy blind him and nearly destroy not only his relationship with Kes, but Tom and B'Elanna's developing relationship as well.
So he began formulating a plan to set things right...
A little while later, Neelix went over to their table, holding something behind his back. He greeted them jovially.
Tom and B'Elanna exchanged glances, looking a little puzzled and uneasy.
Neelix began his long-winded explanation and apology. After several minutes of this, B'Elanna glared at Neelix impatiently, wishing he would just get to the point and leave.
He did, eventually. "I'm sorry."
Finally, she thought irritably.
But he didn't leave.
Instead, Neelix continued apologizing profusely for not trusting Tom. For his unfounded suspicions. For his unfair accusations.
"Apology accepted," Tom said graciously, hoping Neelix would get the hint and leave them in peace. He nervously glanced over at B'Elanna, whose impatience was increasing exponentially. He didn't want this pleasant meal to become marred by yet another confrontation.
But Neelix refused to be deterred. With a dramatic flourish, he presented them with a peace offering. "Jimballian chocolate mousse," he proclaimed.
They stared. It looked scrumptious. Rich, creamy dark chocolate mousse garnished with a generous portion of whipped cream and delicate curls of chocolate. Beautifully blended and presented, it was a culinary masterpiece.
But there was only one bowl. A large bowl, but still... only one bowl. And Neelix was handing them two spoons.
B'Elanna continued to stare at the bowl, dismayed and self-conscious. What would people think if they saw her sharing a bowl of chocolate mousse with Tom in the Mess Hall, in plain sight of everyone?
She raised her eyes to gauge Tom's reaction. He was looking at her expectantly, a slightly amused expression on his face. But also a little tense, not knowing what to anticipate. Waiting to see what she would do.
Suddenly, she didn't care anymore about what other people would think. Let them think whatever they wanted. All she wanted to do was have dessert with her dinner companion... who also happened to be her lover and soulmate.
Slowly, she reached for the spoon and tentatively dipped it into the bowl... and offered it to Tom.
He broke into a wide grin, relief evident in his face. Leaning over to accept, tasting the mousse... he then picked up the other spoon and did the same for her.
She had to admit, the chocolate mousse was absolutely divine. As was staring into Tom's blue eyes, sparkling with laughter and happiness.
A few murmurs were heard throughout the Mess Hall, but they were oblivious to everything except each other and their dessert.
From the other side of the room, Harry rubbed his hands together with glee. Well, what do you know, he thought to himself with immense satisfaction. It's about time. He was triumphant.
Grinning, he headed over to where Neelix and Kes were sitting.
"Neelix, that was brilliant," he said.
"Why, thank you, Harry," Neelix replied with a grin of his own. "I thought so too."
The three of them laughed, thrilled to see Tom and B'Elanna back together at last.
The End