Worthy

I hate you. I hate you with all my being, that you have put me to shame. You were my best friend's. You were my worst enemy's. But you were never mine. And I hate you for that. LJ

Disclaimer: I don't own HP.

Yeah, I should be updating some of my other stories, but I wanted to write this out before I forgot it again. Short one-shot.

I'm thinking about making this a two-parter, the other one in Lily's point of view of what happens after this. What do you guys think? (Note that with the amount of stories I have up, I'll probably need a good amount of "yes" reviews in order to write a second part.)

Enjoy! Review, please!

You're standing there, your arms crossed as you stare me down with your brilliant green eyes as you catch me late to another Heads meeting. Your delicate eyebrows are furrowed in anger and your soft pink lips move – you are speaking to me. No, you are not speaking. You are yelling, shouting at me. Why am I so irresponsible? Why am I such a jerk? And I stand here, watching you, not saying a word.

Why are you late? I am late because I was copying notes for Remus while he is out tonight on the full moon. Peter is on his first date, and I cannot tear him away from that; Sirius is out accompanying Remus right now, waiting for me to join him once the Heads meeting is over. But I cannot tell you that, so I remain silent, letting you think I am late due to my own selfishness.

Why are you so irresponsible? I wanted to tell you I may have been late to the meeting tonight and I may leave early, but you wouldn't hear me the first time I tried to tell you. But afterwards, Sirius shared with me the threat his family had made to him and the people close to him, and I spent the rest of the day trying to figure a way out of it with the frivolous topic of me being late for a Head's meeting slip my mind. But the story is not mine to tell, so I remain silent, letting you think that I am irresponsible.

Why do you always ignore my Head duties? I don't ignore my Head duties. I try to follow up on them, and I do, sometimes. But things have been spinning out of my control lately; terrible things are winding. Did you know that my father died two weeks ago? He fought bravely but was overpowered by numerous Death Eaters. And my mother is ill, adding onto the strain of fear – fear that I will disappear along with Dad. There's only me left to console her as she is hiding from Lord Voldemort. Did you know that? No, you don't. The story is far too personal for me to share, so I remain silent, letting you think that I purposely ignore my Head duties.

Why can't you set a better example to younger students? I am setting a good example, you see. I'm not as I once was, but you don't see that. All you see are the few pranks that my friends and I still pull, though less often then before. And why do we do that? You chide us, glare at us, yell at us. Tell us that we're a terrible example to other students. We're not. The war is picking up, stretching fear far and wide and turning into a heavy smog hanging upon us. We breathe fear. We bathe in fear. We live in fear. Such fear is not healthy, especially for youth. They deserve a laugh now and then. But you wouldn't agree with my opinion, so I remain silent, letting you think that I am immature.

Why are you such a jerk? There I agree, that I am a jerk. I am a jerk because I hate you. I hate you with every moral fiber I can summon. I hate you because I do, though that does not quite make sense. I hate you because I want you. I hate you because you will never be mine. I hate with all my being, that you put me to shame. You were my best friend's. You were my worst enemy's, but never, never were you mine. You dated Sirius once in fourth year, even though it didn't work out. You are best friends with Snivellus, the git who looks at you so longingly it sickens me so. You are close friends with Remus, though you refuse my offer of friendship. You befriended Peter, tutoring him, though I do that sometimes, too. And through all that, you left me out. You left me behind. And I hate you for that.

And it hurts; it hurts a lot. It hurts that I hate you so much, that you hate me so much. I wish you didn't hate me, for if you didn't, I wouldn't hate you. And if I didn't hate you, you would see how much I love you. And everyday, no matter how hard I try to hide it and mask it with hate, you see right through me anyways. Everyone does. See, Lily, you are the one thing that I cannot lie about. I never had a problem lying before. And then you came along, and I hate you for that.

But you'll never stop hating me, so I'll never stop hating you. I'll never stop hating myself for hating you. Hate is a strong word, and you deserve it. Congratulations. And with the way you're staring at me, hard and cold, makes me feel pain. A fresh wound cutting into flesh and dipped into vinegar. It sears its way into my heart and twists my stomach so I want to puke. I need to look away from your clear emerald eyes, but I can't. I'm locked. I'm possessed. Every essence of me belongs to you now.

But you don't know that, and you don't care. You hate me. I am a jerk. But those words, those thoughts, can never leave me. I cannot allow any trace of these ideas to exit my mind, so I remain silent, letting you think I am a jerk, simply because I am.

You are still yelling at me, but with the past swarming thoughts, I can no longer concentrate. I open my mouth. I'm sorry. Did I say that aloud? I did. You're staring at me with surprised, shocked eyes, your mouth hanging slightly agape. Wordlessly, I exit the room, fingering the badge that read "Head Boy." There was no Head meeting tonight. And for me, there never will be one again.

I make my way soundlessly down to the Whomping Willow, where Remus and Sirius are waiting for me. Tomorrow, I will turn in my badge to Professor Dumbledore. I don't deserve this position. I don't deserve to be partners with you. I'm not worthy of you. I can't handle it.

Maybe my life will become normal again, once I leave you. I hope so.

Because then I won't have to hate you anymore.