A one-shot where Ash loses hers and Derek's baby, but she's too scared to tell him. Until the truth is forced out of her.
This one is darker than I'm used to writing, but sometimes you just have to manifest your own feelings into writing. But it won't be all bad!
I hope you brought tissues.
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There's no way Ash is getting any sleep tonight.
Derek is asleep though, hugged into her stomach where their little baby boy or girl should be.
But they aren't.
Not anymore.
Ash can only lay there and relive the night from two weeks ago when she announced she was pregnant.
"Derek and I have decided to try for a baby of our own." Ash says, looking around the living room at each member of the pack.
Scott's eyes widen and most of them are rendered speechless.
But Jessie, the only mother in their little audience, she smiles proudly.
"In fact..I'm already pregnant." Ash says.
"I'm sorry, what?" Stiles asks, just in case he didn't hear that correctly.
"She's already pregnant." Derek repeats. "Six weeks along."
Ash feels a thick lump in her throat and all she wants to do is shove Derek off her, sit under a blistering hot shower and cry until she physically can not cry anymore. But then she'd wake Derek, and she'd have to tell him what she hasn't told him yet. And she's terrified of revealing what's happened to his baby boy or girl.
But when Derek wakes up in the middle of the night and she's shyed away from him, curled up in a ball on the other side of the bed with her back to him, he knows something's wrong.
"Ash?" He says, because he can tell by her heartbeat that she's awake.
She hears him but doesn't say anything.
Derek pulls himself to sit up, his tired limbs protesting to the movement.
"Come here." He says.
Ash turns a little, looking at him.
"I'm okay here." She says.
That definitely makes Derek frown now, because they always sleep tangled around each other. They just always have and it hasn't changed for the year they've been sharing each other's beds.
"Ash, what's wrong?" He asks her.
"Nothing." She shakes her head, getting out of bed now.
"Where are you going?" He asks with a frustrated look.
"God, you sound like my mother." She throws over her shoulder, walking out of his room, slamming the door shut behind her because she knows it's only her and Derek here, and she needs to be alone right now, the door-slamming was that in a message to Derek.
She walks over to the large window and just looks out of it.
Derek gets out of bed and follows her out, despite the obvious warning to back off. Of course he follows her, he wasn't just going to take that lying down, and he can tell something's off so he has to investigate.
Ash hears him, her thumb coming to her mouth and she bites at her nail nervously, because she should have thought that through. Of course her actions would set off an alarm in Derek's head.
"I'm gonna chalk that down to pregnancy hormones." Derek says.
"Oh, you chalk it down to whatever you want, sweetheart." She spits sarcastically bitter, and instantly regrets it. It's not his fault this happened.
Derek raises his eyebrows, because Ash doesn't ever talk to him like that.
"What the hell's going on with you?" Derek asks, slowly walking over to her. "These past couple days, you've been..different." He says.
Ash feels a stab of pain in her chest, because she lost her baby a couple days ago.
"Ashlyn?" Derek says, walking over until her can stand in front of her.
"Leave it." Ash shakes her head, trying to walk away from him.
"No, I'm not gonna leave it-" He grabs her and she panics.
She panics.
And she hits him.
Derek steps back, his eyes widening a little as his hand comes to his cheek. It's not that it hurt, it's that she went that far. These two moved past their 'I want to kill you' stage a long time ago now, that was more when Scott was first turned and all they did was piss each other off, grind each other's gears.
Ash steps back as well, looking down in embarrassment, because she doesn't know where that reaction came from. It just..jumped out of her.
"I'm sorry." She says, looking up at him.
But Derek's looking at her with a cross between anger and frustration now.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He asks her.
Those words sting Ash a lot more than she cares to admit. There's nothing wrong with her, it just happened, she couldn't control it. And she's not talking about the slap either, she's talking about the baby.
"Nothing." Ash says, her face falling now, her eyebrows furrowing.
"Why are you lying?" Derek asks her, because he's been listening to her heartbeat since she woke up, and something's definitely wrong.
"I'm.. I'm not lying."
"You are lying." He corrects her. He steps forward again, slowly. "Ash..what's going on?" He asks, because even if he is mad she slapped him, he still cares about her. Not to mention the fact that she's carrying his unborn child.
Wait..
"Is it the baby?" Derek asks her.
Ash's eyes snap up to him.
He knows what that means.
"What's wrong with my baby?" He asks, becoming possessive, because they don't keep secrets, especially not when it comes to their child.
"I.." Ash can't think of anything to say though.
"If something's wrong, you need to tell me. Right now." He says, a very bad feeling creeping up on him.
"Derek, please.. Don't." Ash shakes her head, because she's been trying to get ready to tell him. This really isn't how she planned it, she can't just blurt it out..she knows it's going to crush him. She needs to find a better way, an easier way, because she doesn't want to break his heart.
"Ash, tell me what it is." He pleads, stepping even closer to her. He's starting to breath a little shallower, because he's starting to get very worried, and for once Ash isn't doing anything to soothe that worry. And that only concerns him further.
Ash swallows loudly but still her throat's too dry for her to even speak.
"Ashlyn." He speaks sharply through clenched teeth, because her silence is scaring the hell out of him.
"I.. I-I can't, not like this." She says.
Derek thinks he can actually hear the warning alarms for that one.
"Ash..I'm really trying to stay calm, but I need you to tell me what's happened, right now." He says, the look on his face perfectly displaying that. He looks like he might burst, looking completely worried, maybe even scared.
"Derek.. No-"
"Ashlyn!" He snaps, but he doesn't mean too, he can't help it.
"Don't get mad at me!" She snaps right back, because it's not her fault either. Sometimes these things just happen. She can feel her eyes starting to sting, she can feel herself caving.
"Then tell me what's wrong with my baby!" He says loudly, his eyes frantically darting between hers, desperate to know the problem.
"Please don't make me." Ash begs him, her eyes filling with tears.
"You don't have a choice." Derek says, because he can tell it's worse than something minor, otherwise she wouldn't be so upset. He, and his wolf, need to know details, now.
But Ash, she just..can't.
"Ashlyn! Tell me!" He barks at her and she can't handle it, she just breaks.
"I miscarried two days ago!" Ash screams back at him, all her build up devastation and her fake 'I'm fine's she's been forced through the last 48 hours are pushed to the surface and streamed down both her cheeks in salty tears.
There's a very tense beat on silence.
"You what?" Derek asks, is whole face falling, his stomach twisting sickeningly.
"I.. I'm sorry." She says. "I lost our baby t-two days ago." She repeats, a hiccup passing her lips.
Derek just looks at her, any anger he felt slips from his tense shoulders, disappearing into nothing but shock. In that moment, Derek feels as horrible as she does. And he feels guilty as all hell for how he raised his voice at her when she's probably broken on the inside.
"Why.. Why didn't you tell me?" He asks, far more calmer, when he can finally make himself speak again. "I could've.." Nothing. He couldn't have done anything. But he wishes to everyone and everything out there that he could have.
"I c-couldn't tell you. You were so excited, I just.." Ash shakes her head. "But I couldn't keep lying to you either. I am so sorry, Derek. Please.. I'm sorry. I didn't want this t-to happen, I swear. I-I don't know why this h-happened, I didn't do anything w-wrong, I was so c-careful." She says, fresh tears building in her eyes again until they're coating her cheeks.
For a moment, Derek can't do anything. He's still trying to process what she's told him.
He's lost his baby.
His child.
His son or daughter.
But a painful sob rips through Ash and Derek looks up at her.
All he can do is move forward and take the obviously heartbroken girl into his arms.
The moment he's holding her and she's securely in his embrace, she breaks down completely.
"I'm s-so s-sorry." She sobs, clinging to him tightly. "Please d-don't hate m-me, I'm s-sorry." She apologies repeatedly.
"Shhh. It's not your fault." He says, brushing his hand down her long black hair as she cries into his neck. "I'm sorry this happened to you." He says, blinking back the stinging wateriness in his own eyes because he's not going to cry. One of them needs to be strong right now and it's obvious it needs to be him, Derek wouldn't expect, let alone think, it to be her.
He squeezes his eyes shut, resting his head against her shoulder, knowing his bad feeling in his stomach isn't just going to pass.
Not this time.
.
The next day, once the pack have all been pulled aside by Derek one by one and told the bad news, Ash sits on the sofa over at the Hale loft.
She sits in a robe, her hair still wet and messy from her shower. She scrubbed at her skin until it was bright red, she just needed to wash it all away. But, of course, it doesn't work that way.
"I made some tea." Jessie says softly, placing a mug into Ash's hands before sitting down beside her with her own mug.
"Thanks." Ash mumbles, because she's been quiet, reserved, since she told Derek the truth and finally let all her feelings about that out. She brings the mug to her lips but she barely registers the taste of lemon and mint as she drinks it, it just feels like warmth in her throat, she's too numb right now.
"You doing okay, Ash?" Jessie asks her.
Ash looks to her left, locking eyes with the younger girl. She looks at her with same solemn expression that Derek looked at Jessie with when he told his sister what had happened. And only then, only when Derek and Jessie were alone in the loft, did Derek allow the weight of it all to crash down. Only then did he allow the tears to fall from his eyes. It was only a couple, but it was something. Jessie hugged him and told him she's sorry and that she's here for whatever they need because she knows even if the pregnancy happened earlier than Derek and Ash planned for, Jessie knows how much her big brother wanted this. She knows how much he already loved that baby. And she knows how much the news crushed him as well, she could tell by the look on his face, the tone of his voice, the way his shoulders slumped, and by how he clung to her when she hugged him. And all that broke Jessie's heart too.
"I'm really not." Ash answers honestly, shaking her head.
"I'm sorry." Jessie says.
"Don't be, it's not your fault." Ash shakes her head, drinking her tea once more.
"It's not your fault either." Jessie says carefully.
"I know." Ash nods.
Derek comes home, groceries in his arms. He spots his two important girls on the sofa. He puts the brown paper bags on the kitchen counter and walks over to them.
"I gotta check on Blake." Jessie excuses herself, standing up, because Ash and Derek need a moment together.
"Thank you." Derek says to her, for being here for Ash, not just for giving them their privacy.
"Anytime." She says, squeezing his shoulder and kissing Ash's head before walking up the stairs to her room.
Derek's eyes look away from Jessie and then fall to Ash. Ash who looks completely worn out.
"How you doing today, sweetheart?" He asks her as he crotches down in front of her, putting his hands over both of hers. Last night, after they got past the shock of what happened, Ash barely slept, she just couldn't stop crying. Derek stayed up with her, tried to lull her to sleep with comforting words, anything, but none of it worked. It broke him to watch her sob uncontrollably for hours like that, and now to see her so..numb to it all, it's not making him feel any better at all.
Ash opens her mouth but just ends up shaking her head, because she can't put into words the kind of emotional pain she's in right now, the emotional pain she's been secretly in for two more days than Derek or any of them have been in.
"I know." He says, squeezing her hands gently, because he doesn't need the words, he just has to look into her eyes and he can see it all. "Why don't I run you a bath?"
"I just showered, I'm okay." She says, her voice quieter than it usually is.
"C'mon, I'll rub your feet." He says, standing up.
Ash's lips twitch into a small smile, because he really has been looking after her in every way since he found out. She nods and gets to her feet as well.
Derek leads her over to his room and into his bathroom with a hand on the small of her back, his presence helping her to feel more secure already.
.
A week later
When Ash overheard Jessie and Stiles talking about going out for the night, Ash had to volunteer. She knows Jessie and Stiles haven't been out since Jessie got pregnant. It's been just over a year. They deserve it, Ash needs to suck up her tears and do this for them.
"Ash..are you sure?" Jessie asks her, because it's only been about a week since they learnt the horrible news. Jessie doesn't want to force Ash to be with their baby.
"I'm okay, Jess. Really. You two deserve some time away, I can do this." Ash tells her.
"Okay. " Jessie nods, because Ash wouldn't do this if she thought she couldn't. "If..something comes up, call me. We'll turn around and come back." Jessie says.
"Okay." Ash nods. "Go have fun with your boyfriend, me and Derek will look after Blake, you have my word."
"I don't doubt that." Jessie smiles. She leans in and kisses Ash's cheek. "Thank you. I know none of this has been easy for you, but you're a strong girl, and you're gonna get through this. You both are, alright?" She says.
"Yeah." Ash nods with a small smile.
Maybe Ash wasn't as prepared to look after their baby as she thought.
Sure, she's good at it, and she's capable, but it's her head that's doing her in. It's her head that's imagining how this could have been her life, how she could have been a mother, how this could have been hers.
But that's not happening anytime soon.
Derek looks at Ash but she's purposely avoiding his eyes as her mind runs through a thousand and one different things. And Derek can see all of that.
"I feel so far away from you now." He says, because they haven't been the same since that night a week ago.
Ash has been..distant, more distant than ever before. She doesn't spend as many nights with Derek anymore, and she likes to have her bed to herself at her own place now. In fact, she spends more time alone than she does with anyone anymore, and that includes her family.
Derek understands all of that though, he's just scared she's going to keep slipping away until they lose her. Until he loses her. He's already lost his baby.. He can't lose his girl too.
Ash hears him speak but she doesn't know what she's supposed to say to him. She lost their baby. Even if she wanted too, and she really does, how is she supposed to fix that?
"How do I get back?" Derek asks her, still looking at her.
"I don't know." Ash shakes her head, because she has no idea how they get back to how they used to be. They try but..they just can't. Things are different, they need more time, they need..something.
"Please..let me back in, Ash." He says. "Let me help you."
"I'm trying." Ash says, looking up at him now. "I am, but, every time I.. I just think of.." She can't even say it.
"I know." Derek nods. "I'm so sorry that happened." He says.
Yeah. Me too." Ash nods, looking back down at the blanket-wrapped 3 month old baby Blake in her arms. A tear slips down her face as she looks down at what she wishes she could have too.
"It'll happen, Ash." Derek says, looking from Blake to her again.
Ash nods, but doesn't say anything.
"Hey, you believe me, right?" He asks, putting his hand on her knee.
She looks up at him now but doesn't answer because she isn't so sure.
"There's nothing wrong with you, Ashlyn. It just..it happens sometimes, we don't always know why. But we will have a baby of our own one day, I promise you." Derek says.
Ash nods again, another tear following her last until she can't hold them back anymore and she's crying, cradling Blake close to her.
Derek, glassey-eyed himself, moves closer to her. He pulls her close to him so he can hug her and she can lean into him, and cry into his neck. He knows she has a lot of emotional healing to do, and that this is going to hurt for a good long while, but he's patient. He's going to be at her side to help her through it. Because he'll keep his promise. She will be a mother when the time is right, and he will be the father to her baby. They just need time to heal, and time to start over. But it will work out, because Derek will do anything and everything he can to make sure that happens.
.
It's been 2 months since they've been intimate or anything. They're only gone as far as to kiss and for Ash to lounge in his lap.
A month back, Derek must have read a signal wrong and he tried to take it there. But when his hands slipped under her shirt and touched her stomach, she just panicked and pulled away, shaking her head and telling him she wasn't ready and that she's sorry.
He hasn't tried anything since then. She needs more time to get past what happened, he knows that, and for them to be able to go to that place again.
But, two months after the horrible incident, brings them to now.
They're at that point where they usually pull back before things get too heated and it's too difficult to stop. Derek pulls back first but Ash catches his arm, drawing him forward again. Derek hesitates but follows her lead.
Her hands slowly slide down his chest until they fall to his belt.
"We don't have to do that, Ash." He says, pulling back enough to look at her. "Not if you're not ready."
"I am ready." She tells him. "We just..we have to take it slow, okay, please?"
"Yeah. Of course." Derek nods.
They look at each other for a few more moments before Derek leans back in and starts to softly kiss her again.
Ash threads her fingers through his and begins leading him over to her bed as she kisses him back.
.
A month and a half later, Ash is put in that scary situation again.
But she's never been happier.
She walks into Derek's bedroom, leaning against the doorframe. She watches as Derek takes his shirt off, dropping it to the floor, the Alpha just wearing trackpants now.
"You coming to bed yet?" Derek asks, because he can feels her eyes on him.
When she doesn't answer him, Derek turns around.
"Ash?" He says, but she's focused on the test in her hand. "Ash?" He says again.
She looks up at him now. She tosses him the test and the Alpha catches it.
"What is this?" He asks, because he was clueless to how all this works the first time too.
"A pregnancy test." Ash says.
Derek slowly looks up at her.
"I'm pregnant again." Ash says, a big smile coming to her face.
Derek drops the test to the bed and swoops the girl up into his arms, a smile on his face too.
"Are you serious?" He asks, hugging her tightly.
"Yeah, we're having a baby." She says, hugging him just as tight.
Derek feels this crossed sense of both relief and content wash over him.
"I have a good feeling about this time." He says in her ear.
Ash pulls back to look him in the eye.
"Me too." She says before hugging him again.
.
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A happy ending, because it needed one :) Favourite, follow and review!