Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.

Bella bounded from roof top to roof top, her black, lacey bra-and-thong outfit clinging tightly to her body in fear.

A lone howl erupted from the trees, and out charged a russet, shaggy werewolf. He jumped atop the nearest house, singing, "I'm not wearing underwear today. No, I'm not wearing underwear today! Not that you really care much about my underwear, but still nonetheless I gotta say that I'm not wearing underwear today!" He concluded with a boisterous howl.

"Get a job!" Some woman yelled out her window, then slammed it shut and went back to sleep.

"Isabella!" Jacob called, running up to her completely naked and hugging her tightly in his arms.

Bella began licking his face. "You taste yummy!" she giggled sweetly.

"Hey, did I tell you the good news? I'm gay!" Jacob beamed proudly.

"For serial? Like, that's like totally awesome!" Bella did a little happy dance like the one featured on Charlie Brown.

Just then, Charlie (Bella's dad, not the Peanut) burst out of the house whose roof they were standing on.

"Be vewwy vewwy quiet," he said in an Elmer Fud voice, "I'm hunting wabbits!"

Edward ran on the scene and promptly sucked all the blood out of Charlie. His red eyes bugging out of his head, he let out a feral cry and charged into the nearest house. In a matter of minutes, he had eaten the entire neighborhood.

After this, he came back to Bella's house where she and Jacob were still sitting on the roof playing cards.

"Do you have a stuffy old woman?" Bella asked.

"Go fish. Do you have the king's illegitimate son?" Jacob asked.

"Go fish. Do you have the Queen's lusty lover?"

Jacob groaned, handing her a card, "Yeah, here. Hey, wait a minute! Didn't I just ask for a Jack?"

Bella glanced guiltily from side to side. "No."

Jacob glared at her for a second, then shrugged. "Okay. It's still your turn."

Edward let out a guttural snarl, and screeched, "Bella Swan!"

Jacob started barking at the high-pitched noise, even though he was still in human form, sitting naked on the roof of a dead man's house.

"See, Edward, this is why I dumped you on your ugly butt!" she yelled back at him, "You are so clingy and demanding!"

At that moment, Jasper skipped down the street in a red jumper, his waist-length hair swaying in the breeze. "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts," he smiled, placing his hands on his D-cup boobs.

"Hot daddy!" Jacob wolf whistled at Jasper. He jumped off the roof and ran over to Jasper, panting like the dog he was.

Then Carlisle ran on scene. "Oh no, Edward, what have you done! These were good, innocent people!" He looked up at the roof. "Bella! What are you wearing? Have you no decency?" Then he caught sight of his newest son making out with a furry werewolf. "Oh my goodness!" he clapped his hands over his eyes. Then he tilted his face up at the sky. "Curse you, narrator! Curse you!"

The narrator did a quick body count and, deciding 53 was not enough, continued to make Edward visit more families in their sleep, killing the entire population of Gotham City. Wait, oops! Wrong story. I mean, he killed the entire population of Forks. Then he went onto Spoons. Then, the world!

"Oh my goodness, would you quit already?" Carlisle yelled at the narrator.

And that, children, is how babies are made.

The End