A/N: So I've been reading some Quintana fics and decided I'm totally into this pairing. I'm gonna give it a shot. So it's got some AU elements and all that you guys need to be explicitely told off the bat is that Quinn's parents are nice people. They were supportive (yet dissapointed) about the pregnancy but they love her regardless. Btw this won't be as fluffy is the future fic I've got going now, more serious. Alright, here's goes nothing!

Disclaimer: Suicide talk so if that's an uncomfortable area for you tread carefully.

Seeing as you're reading this you've probably guessed that I wasn't a happy person. But I'm not rude enough to leave the people in my life wondering why I wasn't happy, why I felt like I had to do this.

I realized that something was wrong with me when I started high school. I joined Cheerios because I was supposed to, I got good grades because I was supposed to, everything I did was because I was supposed to do it; because my parents expected me to do it. I actually find myself laughing now at the thought that I put so much effort into trying to make my parents happy. No matter what I did they hated me, they hurt me mentally and physically and I kept trying to make them stop by showing them how perfect I could be. I dated Puck, Finn, and Sam because they were considered to be the kind of guys girls like me were suppposed to date. But I never felt anything beyond friendship for them, and I know that I never could. So I'm sorry that I used you guys, you were all great and didn't deserve to be props for my perfect image.

Everything I ever did was to hide who I really was from the people around me. And I know now that I also did those things to try and repress who I really was from myself as well. Why? Because I'm something that I'm not supposed to be, something my parents hate, something God hates, something that so many people in the world hate, and something I hate. No one ever told me this, but it's extremely tiring to feel so much hate. It's tiring to not have the one thing that could make you happy. It's tiring to be too scared to ever make an attempt to take what you want. And it's also tiring to be embarassed and ashamed of what you really want.

I'm not going to leave behind a puzzle to be solved, so I'll just lay it all on the line considering I have absolutely nothing to lose at this point. In high school I started noticing all the girls in the halls, I noticed them in a way that girls aren't supposed to notice other girls. I was captivated by everything about them. I wanted to reach out and touch them, I wanted to hold them, I wanted to kiss them. I knew that I wasn't supposed to. I'd been raised to know that the kind of girl who likes other girls is sick. I didn't feel sick, but I did feel scared. I knew I wasn't supposed to and I knew that my parents would shun me if they knew. They'd hurt me more than they already did. I couldn't handle that, I've been broken down too much and simply am not strong enough to deal with it anymore.

I tried to ignore girls with guys. I slept around a whole lot more than I'm proud of, waiting for the one guy that would make me straight. I dated guys and tried so hard to make myself love them. I could lie to myself while I did that. But the thing that made it harder to lie was one girl who caught my eye. The blonde haired beauty and top girl of high school, my friend Quinn Fabray. Throughout high school I've fallen harder and harder for her and nothing I could do made me stop. Loving her made it so much harder to lie to myself. It hurt to see her with other guys. It hurt to know that I could never be the one who could wake hand in hand down the hall with her and kiss her before class and take her on dates.

I'm sick of pouring out my heart to people who I hate for the most part, so I'll just wrap this whole thing up. I'm tired of being tired, I'm scared of the world, and it hurts so badly to even think that I'd have to live the rest of my life as a lie. I figure it's better to die honest and be rested than live a liar and be tired. So I'm going to take the easy way out. The last thing I want to say is a message to Quinn: if you ever read this note or find out what was in it, don't blame yourself. You were the only real friend I ever had and I still lied to you. I wanted more than friendship from you and it's not your fault that you couldn't give it to me. Just know that I loved you more than life itself and I'm sorry that I'm doing something that I know is going to hurt you. But you've always been stronger than me and I know that you'll be able to move on. You have to move on, as a final favor to me please don't blame yourself and just move on.

-Santana Lopez

Tears were falling onto the paper as I finished my letter with a swift signature. Unwilling to read it over, I quickly taped it to the entrance of the cheerios shower. People could see it there easily so I wouldn't have to worry about my final words going unnoticed. I walked over to my cheerios locker for the last time and pulled out the razor blade I'd stolen from my dad's shaving kit this morning before I'd left for school. I would have done this at home but I didn't want my parents to find me. I didn't want a student to find me either, so I waited until now. School's been over for three hours and cheerios practiced let out an hour ago. Everyone should be gone, some janitor will find me in a few hours.

I walked into the showers and turned on the water to it's hottest setting. Sinking down to a seated position and leaning against the wall, I let the water run over me and soak through my cheerios uniform while I thought things through one last time.

I was definitely going to go through with it, but I knew that I was being selfish to a certain degree and that I would hurt a few people. There was Brittany, my best friend since 4th grade. This would kill her, she wouldn't understand why I did it. She was so happy and honest and she saw the world through the eyes of someone who was truly innocent. This would change her, and I hate myself for that. She has no idea how much I've been hurting or what I've been hiding, I didn't want to burden her. Then there's the rest of glee club, they would be sad and confused too. They were all always so nice no matter how lame I was to them. But they didn't know about the real me, and I'm too scared to show them. My parents were going to be all torn up about it too, or at least pretend to be. They were both full of shit and I knew they'd never really loved me. They wanted a boy and they got me, they never let me forget that.

Then there's Quinn. Beautiful, tough, and the top dog. I laughed as Joan Jett's I Hate Myself For Loving You ran through my head. I really do hate myself for it. Quinn was my other best friend since the first day of high school when we realized we were supposed to be friends. I wish she were just part of the charade I put on, but she was all too real and it scared the shit out of me. I wanted to confide in her about it all; my parents abuse, my feelings and more specifically my feelings for her. But I knew that the second I let my guard down like that I wouldn't be able to help myself and one day it would slip out that I loved her. I didn't want to lose her when she learned about my real feelings, then I would really have nothing. I'd rather be dead and have nothing than be alive and have nothing. At least when I'm dead I won't even be able to know that I have nothing.

This was definitely the thing I needed to do. The lie was too much and I knew that the truth would push away those around me. My parents were all too vocal in their disgust with gays. I was scared of what they would do to me once they found out the truth. I'd probably have the shit beaten out of me then be sent off to some crazy bible camp in the woods to be fixed. I already know I can't be fixed, I tried to fix myself and nothing worked. I just hope that God is loving and not the vengeful tyrant my parents made him out to be. Then finally I'll have someone to love me.

Damn it Lopez it's now or never, get to it.

I sighed and shook some of the water from my hair. I fiddled with the small razor and teased my wrist, making small cuts that just drew small amounts of blood. It stung, but it was nothing I wasn't prepared for. I knew that this wasn't exactly the most painless way to do this, but it was the only thing I had access too. Inhaling deeply, I pressed the blade further, aiming for some sort of vein so I could finish quickly. I grunted and gritted my teeth as I pushed down harder, forcing myself not to scream. Before I knew it my vision was blurring and I saw the water starting to run red. I switched wrists and slashed quick and deep before throwing the razor to my side. Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against the shower wall and felt the room spinning. It was getting harder to breathe or move at all. I let my arms fall to my sides and felt the blood seeping from my wrists.

It can't be much longer now.

"Hello?" I heard a distant voice calling out. "Is someone here? Coach Sylvester is gonna be pissed if someone's still using the showers."

That voice is familar.

"Fine don't respond. I'm gonna come in and turn off the shower, so if there's actually someone in there don't say I didn't warn you when you get all embarassed about being seen naked or whatever."

No, it can't be.

"Last warning, I'm coming in!" The voice echoed through the shower room.

No, no, no she can't see me like this.

A glass-shattering shriek bounced around on the tiles of the shower room. I felt someone grabbing my shoulders and shake me hard.

"Santana! Santana no, no, no wake up! Santana please!"

Her hands left my shoulder and I heard her run out of the shower room. "Coach Sylvester!" I heard the voice shouting from the hall. "Coach! Call 911! Anybody please call 911!"

The footsteps returned and I felt cloth being pressed against my wrists. She was trying to save me.

"Don't," I summoned enough strength to mutter.

"Santana hold on it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna help you someone's coming, please don't go," She was sobbing now and I felt sick. I needed it to end faster, I couldn't stand listening to her hurting.

"What's the damn emergency Q?" a new voice was in the shower room. A gasp came from Coach Sylvester. "Oh my God, Quinn keep pressure on it I'm gonna go call for help."

Coaches footsteps faded as she ran away to find a phone.

No, no, no just let me finish what I started.

I felt Quinn pull me into her. She was holding me, I heard her sobs over the falling of water from the shower.

"Someone's coming S," she choked out through sobs. "It's gonna be okay, I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. I won't let go."

I tried to push back against her to make her let go but I was too weak.

"Santana open your eyes, I need to make sure you stay away," she pleaded.

I refused to open my eyes. I knew it would hurt to much to see her looking so distraught. The pained face of the girl I love was not going to be the last thing I ever see.

"Santana please!" she shouted. "Just do something so I know you're awake."

I didn't move. If I started to move it would mean I was fighting to survive. I didn't want to survive. I didn't want to fight, if I tried to fight I would get scared. I was done being scared and just wanted to give in.

"Paramedics!" A new voice shouted. "Where are you?"

"In here!" shouted Quinn. "Where the showers are!"

I heard footsteps from multiple people run into the room and felt Quinn's hand move from me only to be replaced by several new pairs. I was fading fast and couldn't understand what people were saying.

I did it, it's almost over.

I heard voices begin to contort and what I'm pretty sure was a scream from Quinn as I slipped out of conciousness.

A/N: Damn I didn't know I had that sort of writing on me. I hope that it was good, please review and leave your opinions.