Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.
The lights were off in the big school, the basketball court dark and untouched. A lone couple walked into the middle of the court and stood facing each other, holding hands. Then the boy belched loudly, and the girl squealed in disgust.
"Ryan, that is so gross!" Sharpe whined. Then Ryan took Sharpe in his arms and began smooching her romantically. At first Sharpe protested, then she succumbed to her inner wild cat, throwing him down on the floor and tearing his shirt apart. With her teeth.
Lindsay Lohan ran on stage and started cheering them on. Gabriella ran out of a nearby closet with Troy and started shouting at them to stop while Tory videotaped them.
"You guys are brother and sister!" Gabriella yelled, thinking they were fighting, "You should love each other."
"Hon, I think they are trying to love each other," Troy pointed out.
"What?! Eww!" Gabriella did a grossed-out, jiggery-sort of dance.
"Here, hold this," Troy handed her the camera and jumped onto the pile of siblings, trying to insert his dominance.
Gabriella screamed in horror and began clawing at her eyes.
Then the lights turned on and dozens of couples poured into the bleachers, laying down on top of each other to do a choreographed 'dance' number entitled "The Mating Ritual of High School Teens."
Gabriella ran from the room, vomiting the whole way out. Chad caught her at the door. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked with genuine care.
Gabriella stumbled over her tongue before finally telling him, "They're animals!"
Chad hugged Gabriella in his arms, shushing her, and swooping her up in his tan, muscular arms, rushed her out of the horrible high school. He took her to a nearby park where they were all alone, sitting down on a bench. He cradled her in his arms, rocking her.
After she was calm, he asked, "If I say you have a nice body, will you hold it against me?"
"What?" she asked in confusion. Suddenly, the whole group from the gym popped out of the hedges and trees around the couple and began moving towards them in slow, zombie-like movements, all twitching and groaning in sync.
"What the heck is happening?!" Gabriella shouted.
"I know! This is so not realistic," Chad ranted, "This many people could not spontaneously dance and sing the same thing without prior planning. Who do the writers think they're fooling?"
"What are you talking about?" Gabriella asked in panic.
"Nevermind," Chad dismissed.
They continued to sit there as their classmates slowly approached them. "Aren't we going to try to escape?" Gabriella asked.
"It's pointless. The narrator wants us dead," Chad explained.
"I'm not the only one," the narrator said.
After the zombies had devoured the two teens, they returned to normal. Then, realizing what they'd done, they ran as one huge, screaming group into the swamp at the country club and were eaten by alligators.
Next week we'll talk about why cows look forward to giving milk.
The End