Story based (vaguely) on some of the promo pics for Bluebirds.

Disclaimer: Written for fun … or frustration.

"Dammit Jane. This is not making me happy." She lets out a bitter laugh at the fact that she has taken to talking to herself. Her father use to do it, so basically, she is just a bottle or two away from that. It makes her nauseous. Suddenly it all just seems so pointless. Maybe that's why her father killed himself … she shakes her head an abandons the bag on the bed. She is so utterly fed up with feeling like this, feeling like she is missing something, lost and perhaps that is the problem. She feels completely lost and can't seem to find her way back to some semblance of normal. She's just not sure she even knows what 'normal' is anymore.

Staring out the window at the sun setting. It still makes her uneasy watching sunsets over the ocean since Jane left her on that cliff. Basically it all comes back to that. She just does not know if she can trust Jane to not break her completely. He's done it before, why would he not do it again? Only thing is, she knows he is different, he no longer has Red John looming over him. She's just not sure how that affects him and he is, well, just not pushing, which is so unlike him. Jane has fought her, sometimes viciously, to get what he wants, so if he really wanted her to stay with him … she feels the tears running down her cheeks. She's cried more in the past month that ever before, every time over Patrick Jane.

Watching the sun go down she wonders why she has such trouble with this. Jane has to know how she feels about him, he always knows what everyone seems to be feeling. Plus, she's the 'open book', how could he not know? The problem is, if he does know, well then the logical conclusion is that he just does not feel the same way. He has had time to make a move, to do something, anything really. The only thing she can't get past is his obvious unhappiness about her choice to go with Marcus. The only other times she has seen him this undone has been at particularly low points, most notably when Charlotte, the belladonna one, left. Maybe it is simple, maybe he just likes having her there to help him, keep him safe. She is his best friend, the one person he trusts.

It is now dark and she sits down with her back to the bed. In truth, Jane is probably the closest thing she has to a best friend and when it comes down to it, she trusts him with her life. The only person she trusts more is Cho. She smiles, wondering why she could not just have the same affection she has for Cho, for Jane. Her life would be infinitely easier. She loves Cho like a brother and friend and she knows without doubt that if she needed anything Cho would help. Then again, he knows she would do the same for him, their relationship is built on a substantial base of trust and understanding.

Maybe that is the problem with Jane, she always feels like she's trying to stay afloat on a bed of quicksand with him. Never knowing if he will be there or not to pull her out if she does get into trouble. Which brings her back to Marcus, Marcus is about as steady and solid as they come. He is considerate, understanding, good looking … so why is this so difficult?

That too is simple, it is difficult because she is desperately in love with Jane, and she desperately wants him to tell her her feels the same way and wants her to stay. She can't trust her instinct that he loves her, she did that on that cliff in the sunset. She was so sure he was being sincere, then he just left. He had played her and she is terrified of spending the rest of her life being left behind. She likes Marcus, it is too early to declare undying love, but there is potential there, with Jane, she just feels like she is forever trying to find her footing. Trying to figure out where she fits into his life. Unfortunately that does nothing to change how she feels, Marcus, no matter how perfect, is the consolation prize. Then again, she should be use to that by now. It is such a bitter thought, living your life as second choice and suddenly she is absolutely certain she cannot go with Marcus. It would be horribly unfair to him. He deserves to be someones first choice, not her leftovers. She cannot do that to him, or to anyone else for that matter.

The realisation is upsetting and she finds herself crying again, eventually she just feels numb, horribly horribly numb. She gets on her knees finding her phone and calls Marcus. The conversation is short, uncomfortable but apparently not unexpected, at least from his side. It is painful to think that he might feel anything for her like what she feels for Jane. The only thing that comforts her is that he has not known her long enough to feel that strongly, so he'll probably be fine. She stares at the phone, she has several missed calls but ignores them and once again sits against the bed. Trying to pull herself back together, she's failing miserably.

Eventually there is a knock at the door, she's fairly certain it's Jane and ignores it. She simply does not have the capacity to deal with him right now. "Lisbon, please open the door." He still sounds upset. She stays on the floor, terrified to move or breathe too loudly. He eventually leaves but returns some time later, she's had two more bouts of crying, although by now the exhaustion means it's silent crying and she's wondering if perhaps this is what a breakdown feels like. He stops knocking "Let me in or I'm opening the door."

She vaguely considers doing something but she just does not really care anymore. Maybe if he saw her like this he would be slightly more careful with her, or he would run away … She hears him picking the lock and the door opening, the light from the passage shining into the room. "Lisbon?" He closes the door and the darkness is interrupted by him switching on one of the small lamps near the door. He's being careful she realises, she stays where she is, he'll find her, mentalist capabilities or not, it's not a big room. He is moving towards her, his footfalls soft on the carpet, he hesitated at the bathroom moving on when he realised she's not in there. She hears him stop close to her, not sure if he sees her she looks up to find him staring at her. In reality he is probably reading her, open book and all. She is quite certain her entire being is screaming hurt, confusion and fear at the moment.

He is so beautiful, and really, it is not just a physical thing. Jane can be incredibly generous and comforting, like with the girl who died. He moves a little closer and at her lack of reaction kneels down in front of her before reaching a hand out, grasping one of hers. She feels oddly detached from the scene, dimly aware that she's trembling. "Lisbon, look at me." His voice is breaking, which seems strange. She wonders if it is just her mind playing tricks or if he really seems to be in a similar state to the one she is in. "Teresa." That gets her attention and she focusses on his face, meeting his blue eyes finally. "What happened?" She tries to figure out why he is asking her that, nothing happened really … "Talk to me." The concern is obvious, along with what she assumes is fear, why would he be afraid? "Why are you afraid Jane?"

He recoils as if she's hit him. She cannot make sense of the reaction and automatically pulls her legs up, curling in on herself in a automatic defensive move. She can see him realising his mistake as he reaches out, but now that he has reminded her that he could still run and leave her, again, she flinches. He hesitates only for a moment before getting that expression he normally gets before doing something stupid, and pulls her right up against him. She tenses but as soon as he is wrapped around her she relaxes. She is completely surrounded by Jane and for the first time feels like maybe it will all work out. Perhaps, perhaps it would be all right to stay with him if she could just get him to hold her like this every now and again, she'd probably be fine even if it were only once or maybe twice a year. It is absurd, of course she realises this but at the moment she just cannot seem to keep anything in any kind of logical order.

Jane is gently rubbing her back before his hand settles at the base of her skull, softly massaging the tension away. She's almost asleep when he starts talking. "I am terrified of losing you. Teresa. You are important to me, but, I keep on hurting you. Maybe …" He's crying, and she realises she has never really seen him cry. She moves to face him, needing to see him. "You'll be better off away from me, happier." Although he misunderstood her question she finds that he has answered so many others with that answer. "I'm in love with you Patrick." His eyes widen, it would be comical if it were not for them both being so emotionally wrung out. His distress has apparently jolted her back to reality and she can actually see just how afraid and hurt he is. She leans her forehead against his. "I'm not going to DC." She feels him stiffen and pull back. She is so tired of him pulling away. "Really?" He looks confused. "Why? I, I don't understand … you're in love with me?" She smiles for a moment, he is babbling, seems to be truly thrown by this information. For once, caught completely off guard. "Yes, in love with you. I thought you knew, I just realised it was unfair to Marcus, so …" She has also realises that he has not given any indication as to whether or not he is in love with her and she feels that horrible ache in her chest.

He must notice because he holds her closer when she tries to pull away. "So you broke up with him?" She has no idea where he is going with this and decides to just stop with trying to keep up maybe if it is all out there … "Yes." "Why?" She takes a deep breath trying to figure out what to say. "I, it is not fair to him, he'll always be my second choice …" Jane is possibly enjoying hearing this, he seems lighter, which she finds upsetting as she softly whispers out the rest "it's horrible to always be the second choice." She sees his face fall before he whispers out an emotional "I'm a real idiot aren't I?" She frowns, now also confused "Sometimes?" He has now framed her face with his hands, watching her closely, "Teresa, I love you, desperately. I've been in love with you for years and I know, I know it seems like I don't put you first, but I have tried. I don't always get it right, but I try. Please don't think you are the second choice. There is no choice for me, and no, not because no one else would put up with me. We both know I could probably persuade some poor woman to stay with me. You however, I didn't want to persuade you, I needed you to want to be with me because you wanted to. You know how damaged I am, you've seen me at my worst, I'd like to show you me being better, but it has to be because you want that, not because I persuaded you too."

She was crying again and he wiped the tears away with his thumbs, carefully kissing her cheeks, before continuing on to the corners of her mouth. She reached forward then, letting her hands slip through his hair. He had pulled back slightly watching her. "I want you Jane. Patrick, I choose you." The words are soft, almost a whisper but her throat is sore and her voice is just not working like normal. His own tears run down his face and he pulls her closer burying his head in her neck. She finds she understands this cathartic moment, just the relief of finally knowing they want the same things, it is overwhelming, but in a good way. Her hands sooth him running over his back in random patterns until he pulls back before kissing her. It's soft, and gentle but insistent and as things escalate she can't help but smile as he whispers 'I love you' over and over between kisses.

.F.