I've always been able to remember you. For as long as I am able to recall, your wide grin and crystal eyes, fading from the molten gold, were the first images I could conjure when I awoke, the picture dancing in my subconscious. I can't pinpoint the exact moment that it began, but it was only a few months ago when it become more than just a passing thought. When I first began to remember, you were the first.

That vague picture of your bright face which I could not remember a time without is actually a memory.

Once, in a land of a different time, I was the arrogant, pompous, supercilious Crown Prince; Camelot would have been thrown into ruins when I ascended into the throne. However, when you stood against me, I was never the same after the confrontation in the market place. You were the only person who didn't see me as just a spoiled sovereign; you saw something invisible - something you believed in and I never saw - until you brought it to the surface. Later on, when I did rule, when I was a true fit for kingship, even if you were just my servant, you understood me. You were the only one who saw the person underneath the crown. You caught onto every grimace, twitch, and blink that portrayed my emotions through the carefully-crafted mask.

You helped me grow into someone I was proud of - my father be damned.

So I've always been able to remember you, but as soon as I started acknowledging that you once existed, I immediately faced an obstacle I never thought of before. It was a wall shrouded in shadows, but with an entrance as clear as day. You weren't in my life this time. In Camelot, you had entered when I was at my lowest. Now, when I am living in Baltimore, living life at the lowest point possible, popping pills left and right, chugging alcohol to ease the pain - the ease the pressure... But you aren't here. Where are you? My father believes I will become the lawyer he always dreamed of becoming. It's a family business, so I am expected to follow in his footsteps. Initially, I was geared up and ready to follow, but when I opened the envelope of that acceptance letter to Columbia, I began to have my doubts.

It was around this time that my memories began returning. I had your face, your word, your advice, your smile, and the memory of your magic, but I didn't have you.

Where are you, Merlin?

I tried to take a few days off from college to set off and find you, but my father protested dearly at my excuse "to get away". I wonder if it's a possibility that he remembers our past lives. If so, there are so many things I wish to ask, wish to tell, wish to say, wish to hope, wish to dream. My father and I have had a solid and concrete relationship in the second life, so at the same time, I don't want to ruin anything. This life is perfect. He approves of the girl I love, acknowledges my adopted sister as his blood daughter, and he seeks to lessen the burden I care. There is pressure, still, something I don't think he realizes, but it's not as bad as the past.

I know that the reason I'm dealing with it so hard, though, is because you aren't here.

I need to find you, Merlin.

Except, there's a problem. Life just won't spare me a few moments to begin the search. As in, I'm stuck in Maryland for law school and you're out in the god forsaken world somewhere... Probably searching for me. I tried to leave before, the night after I regained my first memory of you, but it was time-consuming because I was packing up for Harvard, my sister was getting ready to set off to Cambridge (she's two years younger than me, but because she apparently inherited "our father's talent for smarts and manipulation", she's in the same grade level). We were off to separate parts of the Northeast, and I didn't have time to think about you.

That was months ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since.

It's probably stupid, though, to do so. Chances are, you probably have remnants of our past together and have already set out on a journey to reunite all of the Camelot people. The knights, our family, our friends, our allies, old enemies... Hell, I wouldn't be surprised to see a dragon or two. Either way, I can't pretend I'm not a bit worried, though I try not too.

What if you don't have your memories?

But even if I did have the time, I don't think I'd find you. Destiny has a way of making sure things are complicated.

Over the Christmas holiday, I managed to pull away from school and my father's constant watch and spend break in New York City. Some thought of sneaking out and taking a tour of the city, seeing if you were wandering about, having tracked me there. I was set to go, but once more, I was halted in my plans due to the conniving sister of mine who just broke the most horrid news I could have been given.

She remembered. All these months. Longer than I had. At first, I was hurt and betrayed. My life had been perfect and effortless for most of the time we had been in New York. I took the time to confess everything to her, though, exclaiming how much pain she caused me when I was the King and she was the Lady. I took the moment to cut her down, watch her break, then slowly pick up the pieces. I offered her forgiveness, and she accepted without hesitation. At least now, I had a confident. She told me of her visions. That she had seen you. She was almost certain that she saw you in the streets some days before.

I set out to look for sure, but the winter holidays were over, and school and walls with ears were back in place. Another term before I could concentrate on you.

Six months.

In reality.

Suddenly, I didn't want to go back to Harvard. I can't do such a thing, Merlin, it hurts too much. Who I am is not who I want to be. It's a hassle to merely get up in the morning (You would know, seeing as how you were my servant). Another day, same as before. It's a routine, and each time I go to sleep, I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

When I am sure no one can hear me, I whisper under my breath, a solemn promise, "I will find you."

I've never said it out loud before. It feels like a faraway goal. Why did I care this much? Is it because you're "my other half"? I know it sounds stupid, but we're two sides of the same coin, remember?

The last time I look at the disappearing New York skyline, a sudden flash hits me. It's a memory I'd never let go, fade away with time. It's clear and the message reads loud: you've never given up on me. I remember those exact words when Morgana took hold of Camelot the second time through, and I was a victim of doubts, wallowing in my own self-loathing as you supported me.

It's official, Merlin, I need you. You're my rock, my guide, my friend, and above all, my brother. When I get back to Maryland, I am dropping out of Harvard and beginning my second term at Columbia. I want to become a writer, my father be damned. In six months then, I'll begin scouring New York City for any glimpse of you then extending it out of the city limits. My sister will be with me, as will my fiancée.

Perhaps in six months I'll see you. I honestly don't know what I'll do then, but at least the people closest to my heart will be near me. That's all I need.

I promise you, Merlin, that I will find you.

I just need to wait until after winter, and then, the search can truly begin.