Do you know what it feels like to be heartbroken? It is like the sharpest pain imaginable slithering into your chest and burrowing in deep, plunging right in and leaving a torn and bloody hole in its wake. A catastrophic virus seizing your heart in a vice and seeping in slowly, excruciatingly, taking over your whole being and turning you into something so unlike yourself. Like your heart was torn brutally from your chest and left hanging there by its chords.
That is what I was feeling. I never thought it would come to this. It had just been so perfect. Maybe that is why Alfred was doing this to me. Perhaps, on Alfred's side, it had not been perfect, and he could not handle it anymore. On the other hand, maybe it had been and he wanted it to less so.
Whatever the reason was, Alfred stood before me uttering those words I never wanted to hear; I think we should go our separate ways.
My mouth would not respond, would not scream at him to explain, to tell me why he did not want me anymore. Why he did not love me anymore. Sobs were bubbling up in my throat. I cannot let them show. They cannot be heard. They just can't. My eyes were stuck on his, staring into worried and regretful eyes. Lies. If he was so regretful, he wouldn't be leaving me. The tears were welling up in my eyes, threatening to boil over and run over my cheeks. My body was frozen, denying me from turning and darting away from the boy -no, man- before me.
"Arthur, I hope this doesn't stand between us."
Oh, God, please no.
"Let's just be friends, okay?"
That was it. That one sentence, those simple words looped together to create such a basic sentence, broke me.
The sob escaped my throat in a horrible hack, and the tears gushed down my face like a waterfall. I wrenched my gaze from him and buried my face in hands, in an attempt to block out the world. My body shook from the force of my weeping, and closed in on itself.
"W-why?" I managed to moan. I could practically feel his pitying eyes boring into me.
"You know why," he answered simply.
I bolted.
It was midnight, exactly eight hours and twenty-four minutes since my heart was stomped on by the one I loved the most. My pillow was soaked in my tears, which had long since dried out. The tears were replaced by pain, which my body unconsciously curled in on itself in an attempt to fight it. It was useless, though. The pain would never stop hurting.
My phone buzzed on my nightstand. I ignored it. What was the point? No one important would call me anymore.
A sudden thought struck me. What did Alfred mean, I knew why? I had absolutely no blooming idea why! Then I remembered. For the last couple of months, Alfred's attention had been elsewhere. His eyes always roaming the room, as if he were searching for someone. The way whenever we passed by this certain boy, Alfred's eyes would follow him until he was out of sight.
The reason Alfred broke up with me was clear; Kiku Honda, the Japanese transfer student. The one with the chocolate brown eyes. The one with the perfect, tamable black hair. The one with the gentlest smile, and the most adorable face.
The one who, inadvertently or otherwise, stole the American's heart right from my grasp.
The realization brought on a new bought of tears, which seemed to have recuperated from their overuse earlier. It was no trouble knowing why exactly Alfred chose the Asian over me. Kiku was polite, gentle, honest, and kind, while I was the complete opposite. Loud, brash, and violent, I could not even say what I meant half of the time! Kiku was also very pretty, and seemed to have no imperfections at all.
I, on the other hand, had more than I can list on a piece of paper front and back. My hair was stubborn and untamable, my nose was just a tad bit crooked, my smile was horrendous, my eyebrows too big, and the list goes on. Sometimes, I wonder what Alfred ever saw in me in the first place.
I gasped as a familiar, yet alien need pulse through me. No, no I promised, I promised Alfred never again, never again…
However, Alfred's not here now, a voice deep in the back of my skull whispered, He left you. He doesn't care about you, anymore. All of the promises you made with him are meaningless.
I knew I should not listen, only bad things would ensue, but I could not help but see the truth in its words. Alfred did not care anymore. He left me. He threw away everything else we had, why not our promises?
Without another thought, I jumped off my bed and raced to the bathroom slamming it shut behind me. I locked it. Almost greedily, I tore open the sink drawer and reached inside, pulling out what used to bring me so much comfort in the past, and will now do it again, my razor.
I pulled my shirt over my head and held my arm out above the sink. Would not want blood splattering on the floor and making a mess, now would we? A wave of giddiness washed over me. Finally, I would be granted release.
No amount of rationalism could deter me from the task at hand. Bringing the razor to my arm, I gently pressed it to my wrist. My eyes narrowed. Suddenly there was a deep, bloody gash where there was once pearly white skin. Completely contrasting with the gentleness of my approach, I had buried the heavenly object into my arm and tugged it forcefully over the sensitive tissue. The momentum had caused my arm to fly over to the side, the razor equal height with my head.
A moan escaped my lips. I had forgotten how good this felt. I continued slicing away at the skin for a while, feeling the tension flow out in my blood with each cut. Stopping only when I started feeling light-headed, I turned the faucet on full blast and stuck my arm under the hot torrent of steaming water. Could not let it get infected, right? No pain, no gain.
I wrapped my arm in gauze and slipped my shirt on again. I was almost sad to leave the confines of the bathroom, but I knew it had to be done. Collin would be suspicious if I stayed in there too long. Wincing at the thought of my older brother, I trudged into my room and collapsed onto the bed. I would have to face Alfred tomorrow.
With that thought, I drifted into a restless sleep.
It was morning, the sky bluer than ever before and the birds sounding especially chirpy. I could tell it would not be a very good day.
I rolled out of bed and yanked, at random, my clothing for the day. A pair of black skinny jeans and a long-sleeved Evanescence shirt was held in my grasp. Perfect. Unfortunately, that would be the only thing that went the way I wanted it to.
The shower, for some reason, had absolutely no hot water, so I was forced to endure a freezing cascade of water slapping me in the face whenever I rinsed. Somehow, I ended up tripping down the stairs as I was hurrying to get to school. Could not let a simple break up ruin my perfect attendance record.
This caused me to slow down my movements until I stopped altogether. Right. Alfred broke up with me. Subconsciously, I scratched at my wrist, more specifically the newly formed scars that now marred the flesh there. I felt nauseous.
I decided to skip breakfast.
Half an hour later, I reached the school. I was a bit earlier than expected, so the doors were all locked. With a sigh, I fetched the key out of my bag and unlocked the doors. There were some nice benefits to being Student Council President.
The halls were quiet, which was predictable. My footsteps echoed down the corridors, vibrating loudly off the walls. I stopped in front of a classroom, hearing a noise coming from behind it. What was that? I listened closer, my ear pressed against the shaped wood. It was a bit muffled, but the noises sounded like…moaning. My eyes widened.
Holy shit, someone was having sex in there!
Raising my hand to the doorknob, I was about to jerk it open when a name was screamed from within.
"A-ah! Alfred!"
My heart stopped. Everything around me seized to exist. Alfred. Alfred was in that room, doing that unholy act with another male. It is a good thing I did not eat anything this morning, or else it would have been all over the floor. Alfred was having sex with someone, and we had only broken up yesterday!
"Mmm. Kiku."
The dam that had been keeping my tears at bay broke, and I dashed away from the door, probably alerting the two "lovebirds" of my presence. A sob escaped my throat. The Council room was in sight now. Good. I skid to a stop in front of the double doors and shakily unlocked it. I shoved them open and slammed them shut once I was inside. I slid down the door and buried my face in my arms.
I would give anything to have a razor right now.
Two weeks had passed since then. Alfred and Kiku were publicly announced as a couple, and I had been avoiding both of them. It was hard though, since we all somehow had the same group of friends (some additions on all sides) and sat together for lunch. I now eat on the roof alone. New evidence had come to light that Alfred and Kiku had been dating while Alfred was still with me. That stung, because I knew that it is probably true.
Crisscrossed cuts trailed to other parts of my body, infecting the skin with the sickeningly beautiful designs I have started to carve. I no longer put up an effort to participate in gym.
I stared into the mirror, green, dead eyes glaring back at me. The figure in the mirror smirked. No wonder Alfred left you, the figure mouthed. I gaped. That had never happened before. I mean, look at you! You're a disgrace to humanity.
I could not help but agree.
I plucked the razor from the drawer and grazed it over my neck, an angry red line trailing behind it. Blood slowly began to trickle downward. The figure laughed.
Think that will help? Go a little deeper!
I complied. A deeper cut appeared above the first. The red life source seeped out of the cut, mixing with the previous.
You are a disgrace! You can't even do this right! the figure's smirk widened, splitting its face. It brought its hand-the fingernails long and pointed like a raptor's- up to its chest. It drew an 'X'. Who does this belong to? it snickered, Tell me. I want to know.
Slowly, cautiously, the razor was settled onto my chest, directly on my bleeding heart.
The figure's eyes narrowed, You coward! Too hesitant to mark your heart? You don't deserve to live, anyway. If you die, no one would care.
It was right. Collin ignored me, my friends did not talk to me anymore, my parents abandoned me, and Alfred…he did not love me anymore.
The reluctance left my body. The figure nodded in approval and watched with eager eyes as I made the first incision. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually quite…pleasurable. It felt as if my heart was slowly being cut out of its confines. I made another. Another. I kept slicing, not stopping when I felt light headed, carefully carving each letter into my skin.
Black dots were clouding my vision. I ignored them. Just one more letter, then I would be done.
I looked back into the mirror and stared at the word carved onto my chest.
ALFRED.
With a fleeting smile, I whispered a final goodbye as I faded away;
"Goodbye, Alfred. I love you."