Title: It's in His Eyes
Fandom: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Pairing: Kawoshin
Summary: A jealous Kaworu is a lonely and scared Kaworu. Domestic Kawoshin AU.
"Ah, Shinji-kun is talking to another person again," thought Kaworu while he stood idly by Shinji's side. A tight lipped smile lay on his lips. A gentle sunshine lit the day and it was Shinji's favorite weather. Since moving in together, Shinji and Kaworu had been spending an increasingly larger amount of time together. By now, they did almost everything side by side. They relished in their moments together.
Lately, Kaworu had been encouraging Shinji to leave the apartment more often and get some fresh air. Sometimes on their walks they would bump into someone Shinji knew, or, passing grocery stores, they would be approached by salespeople. Initially Kaworu encouraged Shinji to converse with others; it was good for him and the positive human contact would make him cheerful. Shinji saw how Kaworu smiled when he engaged with others. He wanted to make him smile like that all the time.
As the walks grew longer and more frequent, the more open Shinji became to talking with other people. Within time he started to have longer conversations with others. He began to know the people in his neighborhood area and enjoy their company. After all, it made Kaworu happy.
So today, while they were strolling through the park, and Shinji spotted Toji with his little sister, he ran up to them and happily greeted him. "Just a minute, Kaworu-kun, I want to say hello to Toji," Shinji said as he left Kaworu's side.
Kaworu smiled and looked upwards at the leaves in the willow tree. "Of course, Shinji-kun. I'll be waiting right here …." he replied softly. But as Shinji had already dashed off, he didn't hear.
Kaworu sat himself down on the grass and continued to gaze upwards while he waited for Shinji. He would occasionally glance at Shinji's direction and then pick at the grass. Five minutes passed. Then ten. Fifteen. Kaworu's eyes darted towards Shinji and Toji. He saw how blissful and comfortable Shinji looked, and he couldn't help from worry welling up.
"How long has Shinji-kun been talking to that boy? he wondered. He looks so happy…so why am I not happy? All I want is Shinji-kun's happiness. I want to spend every second with him bringing him happiness. But why does Shinji-kun spend so much time talking to other people? Am I not good enough at making him happy? Does Shinji-kun prefer other people, like that boy over there? Does Shinji-kun not want to spend time with me anymore?
"Will Shinji-kun leave me because I can't bring him happiness?"
At this point in his spiraling thoughts, Kaworu began to panic. Does Shinji-kun not love me anymore? When was the last time he said 'I love you' to me? Does Shinji-kun not need me anymore? He stood up, growing increasingly uncomfortable. He looked at his palms and noticed he had broken out in a nervous sweat. He didn't understand what he was feeling. He wanted Shinji right that second. He needed him in that moment. Kaworu felt a scratch in his throat as he opened his mouth to call Shinji's name.
"Shinji-kun! Shinji-kun!" he called out.
Shinji turned around and looked at Kaworu. He seemed all funny, like something was off. Shinji bid Toji and his sister goodbye and returned to Kaworu. He noticed that Kaworu was sweating and that he had that odd look of nervousness that rarely flickered in his eyes. Although it did not happen often, Shinji recognized that look. It appeared at sudden, random moments, like the first time they made love, or when Kaworu asked Shinji to move in with him. He didn't understand it, though. He didn't understand how the calm, confident, amazing Kaworu could feel that sort of distress. Shinji also noticed another forgotten emotion in Kaworu's eyes. He couldn't figure it out immediately, but he was shocked when he did. Loneliness. Shinji remembered those eyes, from such a long time ago. It was when they first met, and they were so far apart, that that look glazed across Kaworu's eyes.
Shinji was worried. He gently held Kaworu's clammy hand and asked him what was wrong.
"Oh, ah, Shinji-kun, I was just wondering if you wanted to head back home or get some lunch."
Shinji was perplexed. He couldn't place that ambiguous mix of loneliness and worry in Kaworu's eyes.
"Let's go home, Kaworu-kun"
Shinji kept his hold on Kaworu's hand as they walked home in silence. Kaworu seemed odder than usual. First he walked into the door, then he tripped over a laptop charger, then, in the middle of the day, he announced he was going to take a nap.
The bedroom door shut unintentionally loudly. Kaworu laid down on their bed on Shinji's side and curled up.
By now Shinji was seriously concerned for Kaworu. It seemed like Kaworu was always in control of his emotions, stable. It was always Kaworu comforting Shinji, Kaworu encouraging Shinji, Kaworu reaching out to Shinji.
"I have to help him" Shinji thought. He warily walked to the bedroom and opened the door. He noticed Kaworu was lying down and facing away from him. Kaworu made no notice of Shinji entering, another peculiar occurrence. Shinji crawled onto the bed and leaned over Kaworu. It was no use, Kaworu's hair was covering his eyes. His eyes, Shinji thought, what he's feeling is always in his eyes. I need to look at him. Shinji gently rolled Kaworu over so that Kaworu was under him. Shinji saw a pleading look in Kaworu's eyes, and searched frantically for the right words to calm his lover. He tenderly brushed some of Kaworu's white hair to the side and left his hand resting on Kaworu's face. "Kaworu-kun, what's the matter?" he inquired softly.
Kaworu put his hand on top of Shinji's and asked desperately, "Shinji-kun, will you stay with me forever? Will you ever get tired of me? Do you need me? Shinji-kun-"
Shinji laid a finger over Kaworu's lips and Kaworu was silent. But his eyes, his eyes were still screaming out. Kaworu had never experienced this emotion before; the possibility of losing Shinji to another.
"Kaworu-kun," Shinji began, hand still resting on his face, "does it trouble you when I'm away? When I smile with others do you feel yourself losing me?"
Kaworu opened his dry mouth, his eyes desperate, "Yes, Shinji-kun, Yes. I only want you to be happy Shinji-kun, but it's new to me that other people can make you happy too. And it…it scares me that they can. I don't want to lose you, Shinji-kun. I want to be with you forever. Shinji-kun, my chest hurts. What is this feeling called?"
Shinji finally understood the feeling raking Kaworu's mind. Shinji lowered his head to meet Kaworu's lips, and sweetly pressed his mouth against Kaworu's. When their lips parted, Shinji looked into Kaworu's eyes and said, "You are my one and only Kaworu-kun. I want only you. So you don't have to worry if you get jealous-"
"Jealous?" Kaworu breathed.
"Yes, Kaworu-kun. Jealous….Kaworu-kun, I love you. We will be together forever."
A smile of relief shined through Kaworu's eyes. He rolled over and pushed Shinji under him, pressing his lips passionately against Shinji's. Kaworu licked Shinji's lower lip and slipped his tongue inside Shinji's mouth. Their bodies pressed together tightly, the rhythm of their mouths continued until both were out of breath. Kaworu laid his forehead on Shinji's.
"I love you too, Ikari Shinji-kun."