Anata No Kaeru Basho
He had always been a child without a home.
No matter how those eyes sparkled when he smiled, or the frequency of his bright laughter, that darkness still shadowed his every step. The thunderstorms of his rage still lingered, the faint aftershocks of his quiet torment hiding somewhere in the depths of his bottomless eyes.
He hid it well. He shoved his pain away behind a cheerful grin, pretending all his problems had been solved by the swing of a sakabatou, that he was free to leave on, to have a normal life, unfettered by the turmoil of his past. He seemed to feel no guilt for lying with every smile... It seemed he was happy enough to convince everyone around him he was fine.
And complacent fools they were, they had believed that roguish smile, for so long.
Too long.
There were times he seemed so simple... It was nearly impossible to reconcile his daily manner with his actions under duress. But, then, it was that incongruity that made them such a pair.
Both liars to the world, and yet...
How one could ever lie to those soft eyes, he would never know.
Himura Kenshin drew a fingertip lightly over the darkened lines of the small painting, stroking the brushstrokes that outlined familiar, hard curves, letting himself with, if only for a moment, that it was flesh flesh instead of dried paint beneath his touch, a pulsing, living being instead of an artfully drawn picture. It was a daily practice, now... Touch the picture, contemplate the hidden sorrow he could perceive in those dark eyes, worry for him, and then...
Shove the heartsickness away, rise, and go to his chores.
A few moments more... and then he would go.
It wasn't as though he couldn't carry the touch through to true physical contact, instead of this flimsy surrogate. They touched... they touched often. A hand on the shoulder, nudge of an elbow into ribs, a playful shove of hip to hip to knock the other off balance...
They had always been close like that. They had always been friends. And they had always shown it... in tiny, silly ways. Little things, like allowing each other to use more personal forms of address... , instead of Sanosuke, no honorific required... Sano's rough and condescending for a man almost a decade his senior, who had bested him in combat once- no... twice, now...
He ached a little at that thought, the wound still too fresh upon his fragile heart. Twice. He had never wanted to fight Sano again... And never in a situation like that.
It was a sobering realization.
Blood had been shed by his sakabatou... Though not from a direct attack, he had meant to attack, and Sano... The memory still wrenched him, the sickening sensation of hot blood falling to stain his hakama, strong fingers curled around his blade, arresting its movement...
That night, that terrible night... he had wanted so badly to shed blood, to see the lifeforce of another spilled over the dusty ground, to avenge the pain he had been put through, but...
Not Sano's. Never Sano's. He never wanted to... he never wanted to hurt him...
The touch of his trembling fingertip became more desperate, scraping over the delicate paint with a sad urgency. Never... never had he wanted to hurt Sano, his Sano, his Sano...
But... that man...
His hands had trembled on his sakabatou, in anxiety, in anticipation, longing... He'd wanted to hurt him. He'd wanted, so badly, so desperately, to feel his blade cut deep into yielding flesh and show that man that no one toyed with Hitokiri Battousai, no one could steal from him and hope to live unpunished...
He'd wanted it so badly.
Because it had... it had been stealing! Ever since they had met, it had been obvious that women occupied very little of Sano's attention. And so they had... They had been friends. Best friends. And Kenshin had never been forced to worry about dividing Sano's time with anyone else. His time, of his affections, or anything...
Anything at all.
And it had been wonderful, those long, idyllic months... There had disturbances to deal with, yes, but... they had weathered them together. Side by side, back to back, fighting together.
Partners.
And he'd... he'd never had a partner before. He'd never had a best friend before, someone to trust and confide in, someone he could... Someone he could sit with at night, when he couldn't sleep, and talk to... Someone to hold him when he cried...
And they'd had that. It had been just them, for so long...
But, then, Tsukioka...
It had been Tsukioka who had dared to steal his Sano away.
He had been happy for him, at first. Tsukioka was obviously a dear friend from Sano's past, a tie to where he had come from... Maybe, in a different time, it would have helped him to reaffirm who he was, find some sense of... of home, amongst the turmoil of his late adolescence.
But...
Sano had run away with him... in attempted secret, whispering his goodbyes, while he thought they were asleep. He'd murmured his name, and then he'd gone... Left him...
It had hurt, so badly. It still hurt, somewhere deep inside. It had even jarred him to hear Tsukioka use the nickname, just , not , or even , as most of his friends would say. It... it just wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair.
Those things that they had always shared between them, gone, as though it meant nothing to Sano, all their trust, all their friendship... In two days, all that he had come to treasure about their relationship ripped from him...
He had drawn his sakabatou in anger, he had drawn it in jealousy, he had drawn it in the frantic desire to cause pain.
But Sano hadn't let him... It was the first time he had let a disagreement in judgement come so far between them, to... to come to blows... They had fought. They had fought, when Kenshin had wanted to take on the other... And Sano had protected him. Sano had protected Tsukioka, and he'd thought-
He didn't know what he'd thought. All he knew was, he'd been angry, so desperately hurt and angry, that he'd lashed out, so viciously, unfairly.
There was blood staining his heart, more surely than that sakabatou which had broken.
He had almost been relieved to see that blade snap to pieces in Kyoto. It was forever marred by his guilt... He had been grateful, to feel the weight of the principal forge in his hand and know it was untouched by blood, by hate, by jealousy, all those horrible things that had coursed through him that night... It was clean. Untainted.
The prospect of all he would go through in Kyoto had paled next to that shame. He would have been more willing to slaughter every last one of the Juppongatana and Shishio than to have felt... Have felt Sano weak and helpless in his arms...
But he'd left that night, without ever apologizing to Sano, so frightened and ashamed of how he had reacted to so innocent a thing. So frightened of the rage that had taken him when he'd found Sano so viciously wounded by Saitou. He'd been unable to face the boy, unable to explain the savagery he had committed... Because of Sano, over Sano, for Sano...
So he'd run from it. And he'd run from Sano, without ever saying goodbye to him, unable to face his gentle touch and trusting eyes. Unable to admit that the boy had become something more than an ally to him.
When Sano had joined him in Kyoto, it had only seemed right. Even with Saitou there, it had all seemed normal again... And that night, at the Aoiya, though things had been awkward between them, it had been like... like what he had been missing was returned to him, like he didn't have to watch over his shoulder in fear, like he was... protected... again...
He wasn't alone anymore. Everything was the same as it had been before. Just the two of them, fighting side by side. Even after Tsukioka, Sano had... Sano had come back to him.
Sano had been there. Sano had watched his back, Sano had tended his injuries, Sano had tried to protect him with all of his strength.
He wasn't sure what to think anymore...
Kenshin lifted the picture with care, then eased it gently beneath his folded sheets. It wasn't really in any danger of being discovered, seeing as he was the only one who cleaned daily, but he always felt safer when it was securely hidden.
This depiction of Sano, his guilty pleasure... It wasn't the first thing he had stolen in his life, nor would it likely be the last, but it was still a source of mild shame. It had been one afternoon... he'd wanted badly to see Sano, but his tenement had been empty. So, with dread in his heart, he'd crept to Tsukioka's home, deathly afraid of what he was likely to find...
But it was empty as well. Curious and more than slightly vengeful, he had slunk inside, then spied the beautiful rendering on the drawing desk. Tsukioka had retired from art, claiming his portrait of Sagara Sozou to have been his last work, but this appeared to have been a final outlet of his creativity.
He remembered standing there for some time, hand slack at his sides, the sunlight streaming in from the door he had carelessly left open. Tsukioka had dared to steal his Sano... and it didn't seem fair that he should be allowed to keep the picture too.
So, in a fit of bitterness, he had tucked it carefully inside his gi and walked out.
He'd never been able to bring himself to return it.
Kenshin rose lightly to his socked feet stretching with a long sigh, letting his back relax with a rolling crack of his spine. He had chores to get done... and it wouldn't do to leave them waiting.
His hand paused at the door, and Kenshin cast one fond glance back into his spotless room. It was a warm, comfortable place, within these four paper walls...
Somewhere nice to return to.
Wordless singing bounced off the walls to ring in his ears, the usual sound of dinner cooking. The knife he handled flew easily between his fingers, flashing and dancing in air as he sang nonsense to no one.
Kenshin had loved to sing for as long as he could remember. He had never done so in front of others, for his voice had always struck him as more girlish than it needed to be, but it was a favorite hobby when he was alone. He would sing songs, but he didn't know any... so he made them up, like a child would.
He continued on happily for some time, content in his cooking and free from his earlier gloom. It was always easier to let the worries that plagued him slip away while doing something he enjoyed... cooking, laundry, dusting...
So taken was he by this domestic bliss that he was barely startled when two warm, strong hands settled onto his thin shoulders, squeezing tightly, thumbs rubbing roughly along his spine. How's dinner comin', Kenshin? Sano murmured against his hair, warm breath dancing over his cheek.
Kenshin's eyes fluttered closed with a sigh, knees turning to water and shoulders slumping forward as Sano rubbed his back with strong, practiced hands. It... felt nice... It always felt good, when Sano touched him like this...
His mind drifted freely as he sighed under his partner's hands. He could remember... it seemed so long ago, at Yutarou-dono's mansion, when Sano had done this for the first time... just told him to let everything go, relax, and Kenshin had melted beneath his strong fingers, feeling it drift... away...
His hands went slack on the carving knife, shoulders rolling slowly as breath huffed slowly from between his slightly parted, trembling lips, muscles clenching and releasing under the slowly rubbing hands. It... did feel nice...
His eyes flew open in absolute mortification the instant after a soft moan of bliss passed his throat. The knife jumped under his trembling fingers, back stiffening immediately.
the boy whispered.
Kenshin returned to chopping vegetables, staring fixedly at the chunks falling to one side. There... there was nothing he could say... His cheeks were flaming crimson, jaw shaking, goosebumps rising along ever expanse of his skin. It felt too good... Too impossibly good, too much to stand...
Sano squeezed his shoulders tightly, and Kenshin could almost feel the concern radiating through his warmth. he protested awkwardly. Wh-what is it...?
Betsu ni de gozaru. Kenshin chopped fiercely at the carrot he held.
Sano, it's- itaiiiiii... He glared in consternation at the neat slice across his thumb, a thin line of blood appearing almost instantly.
Dammit, why don't you pay attention to what you're doing? Sano snatched his hand, spinning his entire body around in one rough motion, then pressed his fingers tightly to the small wound. Kenshin oro'ed again quietly, blinking up into his friend's frustrated, worried visage.
He shook his dark head, free hand pulling at his opposite sleeve, then scratching at the bandages wrapped there. You've always been like that, continued the grumbling. Lettin' yourself get caught up in whatever yer thinkin' bout until you hurt yourself.
Kenshin watched silently as Sano bound his thumb in the cast-off bandage, back pressed uncomfortably to the counter. It was... quite strange... The once-fighter-for-hire scowling and grumbling as he covered the wound, gently, almost tenderly...
He felt a shy smile twist his lips.
Sano's fingers stilled finally, and dark eyes searched his face in curiousity. Kenshin blinked at him, cheeks heating as his lips refused to stop smiling.
he whispered. What's so funny?
Kenshin shook his head silently, still blushing wildly. It's only... he managed, He squirmed a little under Sano's bewildered gaze, smiling foolishly. You're so good to me de gozaru yo...
Sano blinked, then grinned at him somewhat bashfully, and squeezed his wounded hand. I... Just tryin' t' watch over you, y'know...? S not like anybody else does... And you sure don't watch yourself.
He felt his cheeks darken even further. Kenshin protested weakly, I... I take care of myself de gozaru...
Sano grinned fondly, leaning down to bump his forehead on Kenshin's own, one arm snaking around his thin waist to grab him close. Kenshin squeaked out a faint oro', but didn't struggle, relaxing into the crook of his arm and blinking up into his soft dark eyes.
Don't you worry about anything, Sano said firmly against his temple. I'll take care of you, naa, Kenshin?
Kenshin closed his eyes with a shaky sigh, a hand creeping of its own accord to lay itself against the gentle thudding heartbeat beneath warm skin, feeling it pulse to vibrate through him... Will you de gozaru ka? he whispered, fingertips trembling softly atop his naked chest.
Sano's arm tightened around his back, holding him tightly to his thin, muscular form. Kenshin shuddered mentally, Sano's ribs digging into his arm... he was so frighteningly thin, it was as if he never ate, or if what he did eat burned off almost immediately... The poor child... So he winced away, sliding one arm to drape around Sano's broad shoulder, burying his face in the harsh fabric of the white gi and remaining silent.
This sweet child... sweet, gentle child... How could he ever have believed this boy would ever betray him, leave him...?
Sano held him tightly for a long time, one hand stroking his rumpled hair gently, his cheek pressed tightly to his pounding temple, arms cradling him in a tight embrace. Kenshin cuddled hesitantly against him with a sigh. It was the same, warm feeling that he remembered from the trip back to the Aoiya, even though... He'd been slick with blood and sweat, wounds screaming with pain across his back and sides, and yet... Sano's arm around his waist, bandaged hand holding his other arm secure across the blood-stained akuichimonji, that security surrounding him, that soft, safe feeling...
He could only hope that his embrace gave so much comfort to his friend, so much warmth, so much reassurance... He owed him no less than what Sano had always given him... Somewhere to go when he was frightened, someone who would listen to him when he needed to talk, who would understand when he didn't want to talk, who would always be there for him, who would... Who would...
Someone who would love him.
He knew, somewhere deep inside, that Sano did love him. It was painfully naked in his eyes whenever a passerby asked Kenshin if he and Kaoru-dono were married, whenever Kenshin asked him to stay behind... It echoed in his voice whenever Sano screamed his name in terror in the midst of battle, whenever he teased him in that good-natured manner of his...
And perhaps that was why it had hurt him so much, when Sano had left... because no matter how he pretended, he had known for some time that his friend did love him the best. And he hadn't been able to understand why Sano would toss that away for Tsukioka, unless Sano had loved him better...
It had been foolish. And childish.
But, selfishly, he had always wanted Sano's love for himself, to not have to share him with anyone else, because the boy had become so agonizingly precious to him. And he wanted Sano to be his, and no one else's.
Always his.
Kenshin lifted his face from Sano's warm chest, peering up into his face as well he could. The boy's eyes were tightly closed, lips pulled white against his jaw, chin shaking an immeasurable bit, eyebrows quirked as though he were concentrating...
He looked so happy...
He'd never looked at Sano when the boy had held him close like this, never had the presence of mind. He had always been too wrapped up in what was on his mind, what he had needed comforted away, the problem that had brought him to Sano's arms in the first place. He'd never thought to look at him...
So very happy...
It was as though such a small gesture gratified him enough to ensure his satisfaction in their somewhat one-sided relationship for however long it would be until Kenshin would need his comfort again. That was ridiculous, though... Sano would never allow someone to abuse his feelings like that.
He would never...
Something began to churn inside him, and Kenshin stared up at his partner, feeling the color drain from his features. This couldn't be... Sano wouldn't...
What was he doing...?
Oh, Gods, what had he done to this boy?
Kenshin lifted one trembling hand to cup that smooth, young cheek, fingertips brushing with nearly tangible guilt over his cheekbone. His chin shook as he parted his lips to breathe the other's name, to apologize, to beg his forgiveness for- Oh, Gods, after all his work to help those he battled, to protect faceless citizens he would never meet, to save the lives of those who would never know or care, he had... He had so shamefully used and neglected the one who had become most precious to him...
rang out a chorus of familiar voices, echoing down the hallway and reverberating into the small kitchen. We're HUNGRY!!!
Yahiko, BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!
The resulting yells and crashes startled Sano out of his apparent daze, and those chocolate eyes flickered open sheepishly. You should probably get that done, then... Kenshin?
The concern that pervaded his tone only made Kenshin's eyes sting that much worse, but he nodded quickly, turning away as fast as he could. H-Hai... Hai, Sano. Would you tell them dinner will be done very soon de gozaru ka?
The boy's genial agreement stung, and Kenshin struggled to concentrate on the vegetables as Sano disengaged himself from their long embrace. He... He had to do something about this... It wasn't fair, what he had done...
Somehow, it had taken his intense jealousy over Tsukioka's invasion that had made him realize how important Sano was to him, how much he did love the boy... And it had taken Sano nearly dying for him in Kyoto to make him realize that his jealousy had been ridiculous, that he was first in Sano's life and always would be...
And it had taken this simple encounter to make him realize what a selfish fool he had been all along.
he called out suddenly, knowing that he was nearly to the door. Sano, would you... He bit his lower lip, then made his decision... Made a decision in half a second that had eluded him for nearly a year.
Would you meet me at the river tonight de gozaru ka? I-... I need... We need to talk de gozaru yo.
There was a short pause, and Kenshin waited, hands clenching the counter tightly.
Sure, if you say so. Sano sounded a bit puzzled. Sunset? Dinner's early tonight, so...
That's fine de gozaru. Kenshin returned to his cooking as quickly as he could, hurrying this time. This had to be done, and it had to be done now, before he could do any more damage. Once dinner was done, then... Then he could fix this.
No...
It was that arrogance that had gotten him where he was in the first place. It was that arrogance that had damaged Sano so. In a sense, he owed Shishio a great debt... what he had been shown in Kyoto was a valuable lesson. Alone, he was nothing. He would be dead several times over, if it were not for Shishou, even for Saitou...
And of course, Sano, his dear Sano.
It was because of that friendship that he had made it this far. And if he were to make it any further, the damage between them had to be rectified. Sano had to know how important he was to Kenshin, how much he was valued, how much he was loved... Because he had not once told him...
But that would change. No matter the consequences, that would change.
And it would change tonight.
He watched the water rush by mere inches from his sandaled feet, jumping and skipping over the tiny rocks that made up the riverbed. The setting sun painted the surface with fiery colors, to the point where the reflection of his unnaturally red hair seemed only a part of the sunset.
This had always been a calming place to him. He didn't know exactly where... after all, this riverbank had been where he had fought Sano the first time... where Jin'ei had kidnapped Kaoru-dono... The river he had been crossing when he'd felt the twisting pain that he now knew was his reaction to Sano's wounding by Saitou...
But he had always loved this river.
The rough swell of spirit caressed his senses only the moment before he heard Sano's heel crunching on the sand behind him. He didn't bother to search for Sano's fighting spirit anymore, being so well acquainted with it that it didn't jar his senses. But that nudge was Sano making himself known, just a gesture of respect between them so neither would be surprised at recognition.
Kenshin lifted a hand and patted the rocky sand beside him, asking without words for Sano to sit down beside him instead of standing back as he knew the boy would do without invitation.
Sano eased down beside him a few seconds later, then coughed quietly, clearing his throat. Kenshin sighed, steeling himself for the conversation he had prepared in his racing mind, and-
I'm sorry, Sano said abruptly.
I- oro? Kenshin blinked at him in puzzlement, wisely swallowing the words that had been on his tongue. Sano... what are you apologizing for de gozaru ka?
Oh, I dunno. Those dark eyes were deceptively simple, but the words that left his lips shattered that illusion. Betraying you with Katsu? Being absolutely no help to you in Kyoto? Almost letting Shishio kill you? There's any number of things. Why dontcha pick one, huh?
Kenshin found himself frowning. he protested. Sano... you didn't do anything wrong, you-
Kenshin sighed, casting a guilty glance down to his bandaged thumb. he said softly, it was my fault...
The word stumbled past his lips, Sano's eyes wide with confusion. Whaddya mean, your fault? You-
It was my fault! Kenshin burst out, hands clenching in his hakama. Sano, if I hadn't reacted as I had to Tsukioka, we could have all talked it over and it would have been fine. It was I who made it a fight. It was I who made it an issue of the trust between us. It was I who overreacted so drastically. You did nothing wrong. You were only being loyal to the ideals you've believed your entire life, and helping a dear friend whom you believed needed you. As for Kyoto, I never should have left without telling you. I never should have believed I could run away from everything I had done wrong and save the world all on my own. And Shishio was more powerful than the both of us. He was also my responsibility, not yours. You had defeated Anji, Saitou had defeated Usui, and it was my responsibility to fight Soujirou and Shishio. And I couldn't even fight Soujirou on my own, Sano, I needed your encouragement and your care to barely win. Shishio would have killed us all and would be ruling Japan if it were not for you. You were the greatest help to me that you possibly could have been, I couldn't want more from anyone, and yet I've not said a word of this until now. You're my very best friend, Sano, and I- I have never given you the slightest bit of what you've given me.
Kenshin breathed raggedly, tears soaking his cheeks. There... he'd said it... He'd given him his due credit, and yet... yet... something ached, deep inside him, hurt and throbbed...
Sano's voice was soft, wondering, and his strong hands closed over his own, gently untangling them from the wrinkled hakama. Kenshin, hey... hey, what is this, all of a sudden? Come on, don't cry...
Kenshin shook his head, gazing through tear-filled eyes at those long-fingered hands dwarfing his own. he choked out. Sano... Sano, I'm so sorry... I take and take from you and I've never given anything back, anything at all...
Kenshin, you gave me my life back! Sano protested, hands squeezing his tightly.
Showed you the error of your actions and helped you find a new path for your life? I've heard that so many times! Kenshin gazed plaintively into those dark eyes. All I did was defeat you, and all those others who say that. How am I supposed to save someone like you say when my own life is such a horrible mess? Sano... His voice broke. Oh, Sano... I wanted to... I want to give you something special, something like everything you've given me!
Sano was quiet, but his eyes were soft, bright, his fingers stroking gently over the back of his hand. Kenshin choked, trying hard to breathe slowly.
Everything was fine before, Sano finally protested faintly.
Kenshin almost smiled, shook his head, then met Sano's gaze, his eyes shimmering with tears. he sniffled. It was not, and you know that as well as I do.
Sano picked up his hands, then cradled them gently against his naked chest. he said softly, slowly, So I guess, what you're saying is... you want things to be different now?
Kenshin blushed a little, nodding quickly. I... I... Sano, with you, I've always felt safe, like I don't... like I don't have to...
Keep up the facade anymore? Sano completed with a tight smile. Kenshin blinked at him silently, questioningly, his thin brow furrowing. The boy slid both of Kenshin's small hands into one of his palms, then stroked the fingertips of his freed hand hesitantly over his cheek. It's just that you... well, you haven't said de gozaru since we've started talking, Kenshin.
Kenshin felt his eyes widen slightly, then he relaxed into a slight, bashful smile. He hadn't even noticed... It had just seemed natural to speak as he had...
Of course, many things felt like second nature when he was with Sano that he would never dream of outside of his company.
I suppose you're right, he said softly. I feel... I feel at ease with you, Sano. Relaxed, like myself... safe... And you make feel needed. Wanted.
Kenshin blinked hesitantly up into the dark, beautiful eyes of his partner and best friend, the boy he had wanted to be so much more than an ally and acquaintance for what seemed like an eternity... The presence he had taken for granted so long, and felt so empty without...
You make me feel loved, he whispered, voice barely audible.
There was no bright shock of surprise in Sano's expression, only a pleased sparkle. You know that's cause you are, he returned with a tiny, shy grin. Never did try t' hide that from you. You always figured out all my dirty little secrets anyway. He continued to smile, but somehow, a strange tightness tugged at the corners of his lips. I started out just wantin' to help you out however I could, after what you'd done for me... And I just... He shook his head, looking away. I didn't wanna bother you with it. I mean, you had... well, you have enough to worry about, with your past always comin' back, an' jou-chan an' all, so... The words struggled past his trembling lips, his fingertips sliding to the side of Kenshin's neck, resting against his shoulder, scraping over his exposed collarbone. I mean, I know I'm a man, and so are you, but there's... It's just different... And I didn't wanna bother you. I just wanted to be there for you however I could, and... I just thought you deserved to have someone behind you who would... who would love you without asking any questions...
Kenshin gazed down at Sano's bowed head through a curtain of tears, his hands shaking within the boy's strong grip. His lips moved, forming his name, but no air would come at his command. His chest hurt too much to speak, but...
he whimpered, I've been neglecting you... You've always been so good to me, and I've never stopped to tell you how much it all means... t-to me... Oh, Sano... He leaned forward, pulling one hand free to lift Sano's chin, aching to find those cheeks wet with silent tears. Sano, you deserve all those things too... I've been so selfish all this time, but I swear... His voice grew deeper, fiercer, taken by a passion he'd not felt since... those weeks before Kyoto... I swear, I never wanted to hurt you as I have...
Sano's eyes met his, and the unspoken yearning there loosed the emotion from his own eyes to spill free over his cheeks, falling to stain his hakama. Kenshin whispered, feeling the silent fear that had held him prey for so long scrabble for control, and yet fall away... Sano was crying, Sano was in pain, all those things the boy had hidden from him for so long right before his eyes...
If he wanted this friendship, this alliance, this partnership to continue, to ever be more than it was, he had to be the man Sano deserved, to not let him hurt needlessly, never again let him weep alone...
Sano, I love you, he whispered, eyes still stinging with emotion. I love you, and I want you to know it as surely as I've known it all this time. It's not fair that I should feel so secure in your arms and you never know from one moment to the next what's going to happen between us. I want to be there for you, just as you've supported me. I know... I know it's just as hard for you to share your pain as it is for me to share mine... But I swear, just as you've said... I will always love you, and without asking you anything... I just want you to be secure and happy as I am...
Sano stared into his eyes, and in one moment Kenshin knew would be engraved into his mind and heart forever, the boy smiled through his tears, squeezing his hand and his shoulder tightly.
The dying sunlight passed into the cool silver of the moon, silhouetting the hollows of Sano's thin face in the light that splintered off the rushing water. Kenshin found himself beginning to smile, the tightness in his thin chest no longer so painful, but somehow... A wonderful feeling... Sano smiling at him in the darkness, his long fingers curled around Kenshin's palm, his chin trembling slightly beneath the fingers of his other hand. The grip on his shoulder loosened, and Sano moved that hand to push gently at the back of his neck at nearly the same moment that Kenshin tugged at his chin.
It wasn't really a kiss. Their lips only brushed, the almost-unexpected contact enough to startle them both. Kenshin jumped and pulled back only a fraction, blinking large eyes into Sano's flushed face.
The sand crunched beneath his knee as Kenshin hesitantly slid closer to him, tilting his face up, heart pounding wildly. That single sound was enough, or so it seemed... and as Sano's thin lips brushed his the second time, though they both shivered at the unfamiliar sensation, neither pulled back...
And that time, it really was a kiss...
Kenshin closed his eyes tightly, shaking under the warmth racing through his blood, savoring the heat of Sano's lips on his, the pounding heartbeat beneath his fingertips, Sano's hands entwining in his long hair. It wasn't as though he had never been kissed before... he had been married, after all, but that... that was so long ago...
And it had never been quite like this...
Sano's fingers pushed at the old tie in his crimson hair, and Kenshin sighed shakily against the kiss, feeling the bound tresses he was so secretly fond of spill over his back. It had been normal during the Bakamatsu, but no one wore their hair like this anymore... But now, he was grateful... The boy's long fingers combed through the tangled length, and once free of the silken, bloody strands, that hand settled in the small of his back, daringly pushing him forward...
The blush was unstoppable, but Kenshin fought aside the embarrassment and followed the motion, letting this child he held so beloved pull him tightly to his chest. Kenshin caught his breath quickly, the sudden coiling arousal inside him such... such a carnal, primal feeling... Something he just wasn't used to, so strange and odd and unbearable and yet something that felt so incredibly good that his sensibilities were rapidly being choked-
So he scrambled atop Sano's knees, blushing furiously and straddling his lap, the vulnerable inside of his slender thighs pressed snugly to his partner's hipbones. Sano's dark eyes blinked down into his, but the height difference between them had been drastically altered. In fact... it was almost like looking him eye to eye... a strange perspective indeed.
Sano's lips parted, undoubtably to query about such a shameless action, but unable or perhaps just unwilling to explain, Kenshin kissed him fiercely before he could say a word, shivering on his lap and struggling not to lose any more of his control before-
Kenshin bucked uncontrollably into the boy's strong hands as they slid roughly down his back, tightening on his hips. Sano bowed his head to nip almost playfully at the flesh of his neck, just below his chin. With a deep shudder, his neck arched back, almost painfully, the little stings lancing through his blood to twist through his stomach and inflame the growing ache he fought to hide from his partner, sliding away from him a little, longing for the closeness but too shy to... To...
Sano's roughened breathing scalded his neck and shoulders, fingertips rubbing in slow, ever-widening circles over his pronounced hipbones. Kenshin pushed against him with a barely audible whimper, begging for... something he couldn't even think of...
Suddenly, those strong hands lifted him from his secure seat, and Kenshin squeaked in confusion and more than a little frustration. He caught a quick grin out of the corner of his eye, then Sano splayed him easily over the sand bank just beside the river.
Kenshin protested faintly, blinking up into his face.
Sano leaned down beside him, balanced on one elbow, his eyes vulnerable and unsure, but so warm, so gentle, so filled with love... love, that shine off-set by the flames that were flaming behind it all, the same fires he had felt inside himself, the... the want, the desire...
Ever done this before? the boy inquired almost lightly.
Kenshin sputtered, attempting to sit up. Not with a man! he retorted in indignation. You should know that, Sano, you-
Sano laughed, then placed a hand on his thin chest and firmly pushed him back down. Kenshin scowled, but that expression melted into a quiet sigh as Sano's fingers trailed down his chest to stroke over his stomach, his abdomen, moving the folds of his gi aside. His eyes fluttered closed, little ghosts of pleasure dancing throughout his entire body.
I know, Sano reassured softly. Just... Makin' sure I was right about you.
Kenshin attempted to open one eye, but a warm kiss was pressed to his cheek, and he conceded silently. He tilted his face and found those lips with his own without looking, kissing him with more assurance, pressing to him eagerly, snaking an arm around his neck and cuddling against him. Sano's soft sound of surprise vibrated across his shivering mouth, but the boy pulled him, kissing him harder, teeth snapping against his lower lip. Kenshin gasped sharply, tingling with pleasure, digging his fingers into Sano's shoulders.
They kissed for a long time, afraid to go any further, clutching each other. shifting restlessly against the planes of each other's bodies, shuddering gasps of pleasure huffing from their met lips.
Sano's fingers darted over his thigh, pulling at the cloth of his hakama, and Kenshin arched into that touch with a heavy gasp. There were no longer any doubts in his mind about where this was headed, and yet, no amount of inhibition seemed enough to... make him want to stop...
He loved him.
He loved Sano. And Sano loved him.
So he loosened his grip on Sano's shoulders and pushed his fingers beneath the black collar of his jacket, pushing it away from him, baring the pale skin of his back and muscled arms, returning the ardent kiss with all the power he had. Sano struggled out of the white gi, arms tightening around Kenshin's thin back, mouth sliding to plaster hot, wet kisses along his jaw, his neck, the tip of his tongue dancing over the shivering skin.
Kenshin gasped out, arching, nails digging into his back, S-Sano- one condition-
Sano paused at the hollow of his throat, hot breath burning the skin...
Y-you... unh... Kenshin fought to maintain a clear head long enough to get these few words out. You... you can't do all the work, Sano...
I figured that, he chuckled, the sound rough, then one hand rubbed lower and pulled his gi free from the ties of his hakama. Kenshin squirmed free of the clothing, then stroked his own fingers over the heated skin of Sano's chest, pinching daringly at his nipples and then digging his nails into the bandages binding his abdomen. Sano's sharp whimper was reward enough, but the torrid swell of arousal that rubbed into his thigh made the ache inside him throb even more violently than before.
Sano's mouth ravished his chest, his stomach, and Kenshin arched into his caresses, breathing growing heavier and faster, as the bandages shredded to pieces beneath his scrabbling fingers. He found Sano's flesh beneath the cloth, and his hungry fingers descended to the waistband of those pristine white trousers.
He'd never been touched like this before... He'd never felt like this before... And he wasn't sure how much longer he could handle this... Sano's hands were so rough, so possessive and hard on his flesh, and their bodies pressed so hard together that every slight shift became a frantic grind... And it was too much, too much, the sand rough beneath their sides, sweat slickening them both.
It was a surprisingly short time before clothing fairly littered the cool ground about them, the moonlight silhouetting their shivering, entwined bodies. Kenshin let his head push into Sano's shoulder as the boy lay him gently on the rumpled pile of their discarded clothing, his eyes half shut and body aching with a savage kind of need that he'd never experienced before. It wasn't as if he had no idea how this was done... He had been the butt of enough obscene jokes during both the Bakamatsu and his wandering years afterward to be fairly sure. But... it was always a different thing, to experience something so... earthshattering firsthand...
And yet... No matter how new this was... It felt right. It felt natural.
Things always had, with Sano...
And so, there was no real need to be afraid.
He held tightly onto Sano's shoulders, closing his eyes, waiting in anxious silence. The boy's lips brushed his, his partner shaking as badly as he was, if not worse... Do you want this? he breathed, his hands settled on Kenshin's hips, one knee braced in between Kenshin's thighs.
I... I want you more than anything, Kenshin managed to whimper, trembling, taking a sharp, deep breath and hesitantly spreading his legs in invitation. I-I'll do anything to make you happy...
Sano's shuddering sigh danced across his neck, and Kenshin felt his head roll back against the sand, the boy lifting his legs and settling them against his hips, pressing close. It... just felt right... To do things this way...
And so when his sharp cry of pain split the night, he knew why Sano didn't immediately panic. He only gathered Kenshin close to his chest, holding him tightly as Kenshin whimpered into his chest, breathing raggedly and sobbing as he shifted, Sano buried deep within him, almost... too much...
It hurt at first, the slow thrusts ripping the tender, untouched flesh inside him, the invasion too new and sudden to handle, but Kenshin held onto him, unwilling to stop this, wanting this closeness, this new intimacy, wanting to share this with Sano no matter the consequences... wanting to be with him, close to him, to... to give him whatever he could... And Sano liked this... The gasps and choked groans he smothered into Kenshin's shoulder certainly indicated that, and though it hurt, and his own need ached violently against Sano's hard abdomen, he-
he gasped, bucking up against him, something catching- Something- The rough thrusting eased into a steady rhythm, a endless pounding, friction and heat burning inside him, ecstasy taking full control of every nerve, muscles inside spasming and clenching around the throbbing length enclosed between his thighs, and Sano moaned loudly into his neck...
They rocked against each other, struggling and grinding frantically, sharp whimpering cries and explosive moans echoing over the placid river. Kenshin's nails ripped over Sano's shoulders, drawing blood only when the rough thrusts struck something deep inside him, entire form shaking with delirium, the cries ripped from his throat becoming more and more frantic, sharper, louder, strident...
Sano's mouth found his, urgent, fingers curling around the pounding need trapped between their bodies. Kenshin whimpered, breathless, his partner's broad chest vibrating with groans, and the intensity building between them catching rampant control until-
The white-hot explosion that took his senses was a welcome one, the shuddering bliss of climax and release taking them both at nearly the same moment. They clutched each other, shouts echoing throughout the silence of the night...
The sun was rising over the river, the chill of the morning raising goosebumps over his naked, sweat-slickened skin. His back ached from sleeping so long on the ground... There had been a time when he could sleep outside with no consequences, but apparently, that time was far past.
But not for Sano, it seemed. The dark-haired boy slept peacefully on the ground next to him, not exhibiting a single sign of discomfort. Kenshin watched him sleep fondly, a hand stroking over his youthful face. He looked so calm, now... So unworried.
So beautiful.
He would never leave his side again... Never again. He owed Sano his life, his happiness, and he would see to it that the boy was never alone again. Kenshin's love would be by his side forever, without asking any questions or limits, and he would always be there for him... to sit up with him at night when he couldn't sleep... to hold him when he cried... To give him that home he never had growing up...
A place to return to.
And he would always be there.