Hey folks, here is a fic I wrote a few years ago not long after discovering M*A*S*H.
I have just attempted a little bit of editing to make it more readable so I hope you try it out.
I won't give too much of the plot away here, just to say read it to the end so that you get the twist in the plot.
As always I don't own characters or anything from the show.
Please review (and review my other M*A*S*H fic 'Not all battles are fought on the battlefield' because I spent ages on it and the site seems to have put it in an out of the way place that no-one can find without a very specific search ).
Hawkeye Takes Five.
"What? No I can't get sick, I've got too much to do" the dark haired man protested as Colonel Potter removed the thermometer and gave back his ability to talk.
"I'm sorry Pierce but your temperature is elevated, your skin is clammy and you said it yourself you've been feeling light-headed and unable to concentrate all day. I do not need a surgeon that can't remember if he is debriding the small intestine or removing the spleen in my OR. Go to bed!"
"I'll be fine; I'll take a couple of aspirin. My sources say there is a charge at 1600 hours, we'll be flooded with casualties by 1800…."
"Pigeon Pellets Pierce do you think we can't handle this war without you? Now I said GO TO BED, THAT IS AN ORDER!" glowing red in the face from having to raise his voice the commanding officer of MASH 4077th gave the Captain a steely look that meant don't bother arguing and with a sigh the man left the small office heading towards his tent, known to all and sundry as the swamp.
"Alright Hawkeye?" the officers bunkmate asked as the tall surgeon stormed through the flimsy swing door and sat down hard in his chair.
"I've just been sent to bed" the chief surgeon grumbled.
"Ah, well maybe it's for the best" BJ offered, looking up briefly from the letter he was writing home to see his friend look at him as though he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"The best?" he said in utter disbelief, great now his best friend was siding with their commanding officer and both were as wrong as each other.
"Come on Hawk you were struggling earlier, you don't have to be a superhuman, you are allowed to get sick."
"I'm not sick though, I've got a temperature. Aspirin and two hot nurses will have this thing licked in no time, better still forget the aspirin, I'll just take two hot nurses."
BJ laughed his friend never changed "Still just do as Potter says and get some rest. If you feel better later then he was just being cautious and we can forget it."
Captain B.F Pierce sighed again; everyone seemed convinced that he was sick, but he wasn't, he never got sick.
Standing up the wayward soldier moved onto his cot. An army invention made of sticks and metal it was designed for transport - after all they were supposed to be a mobile hospital - it was not designed for comfort. Pulling the itchy army blanket over himself he rested his head on the pillow and was soon asleep.
"How's he doing?" Colonel Potter entered the swamp with his clerk Corporal Radar O'Reilly at his side.
"His fevers worse." Captain BJ Hunnicut reported testing his friend's temperature again. Over the last couple of hours Hawkeye's temperature had risen sharply driving the chief surgeon into a semi-comatose state. Dark circles hung around the man's eyes and he looked pale.
Colonel Potter nodded. "Keep an eye on him, I'll come and see how he is doing later." He spoke quietly; he had a special place in his heart for Hawkeye, so sure and yet so lost. He was one of the more confident men on camp but there was something about him, something that the 36 year old kept hidden away from everyone, something that he hoped to learn as he got to know him better.
Suddenly Radar stiffened his extra sensitive ears pricked and his E.S.P going wild "Choppers!" he said quickly alerting everyone around him until at last 5 seconds later the familiar beat that signalled incoming patients could be heard in the distance followed by the crackling of the PR system.
"Incoming wounded, all personnel attend the OR and Post-op areas of the compound"
"Frank I want you to stay in your tent and rest" the Colonel spoke as the third surgeon of the unit appeared by the sink.
"Why sir?" the Major whined feeling like a kid whose lollypop had been taken away.
"Because we are a surgeon down and I need someone to be fresh to take over from one of us. I also want someone to keep and eye on Pierce, I don't want his fever getting any worse" with a grimace Frank Burns agreed, there was no love lost between him and Hawkeye Pierce, and he hated the idea of having to baby-sit.
After six straight hours of meatball surgery the Colonel found himself flagging; as the oldest of the team he was the last to let age get in his way but even he had to accept that enough was enough. "How are you doing Hunnicut?" he enquired of his colleague.
"Ok…. clamp, just need to debride this and I can close, you?"
"Yeah, just closing now. How many more Klinger?" he asked the soldier who stood by the door waiting instructions; desperate for a section 8 and a ticket home to Toledo the corporal insisted on wearing frocks and earrings everywhere, it never worked of course but everyone was so used to seeing him like this that they barely batted an eyelid. In fact he was more noticeable when he was wearing the olive green fatigues that symbolised the American Army.
"Twenty at the last count" Everyone sighed at this reply, they would be there a while yet.
"Great time to take five Hawkeye" BJ muttered quietly, searching for anymore injuries inside his patent. Whatever else he was, Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce was a fantastic surgeon; he had the ability almost to second guess injuries. More than once he had continued and found extra wounds where others would have missed them. With so many serious injuries waiting this was not a good time for him to be ill in bed.
"Do you need a break Captain?" Potter enquired, putting the last stitch in place.
"I'm alright for now" the fair haired man replied.
"If you don't mind I think I'll trade with Frank, come and get me when you want a rest."
"Will do."
With that Potter sent his patient out the door and wandered wearily into the hospitals sterile unit to change back into his uniform. It wasn't really tiredness that forced him to stop; he wanted to see how Hawkeye was doing. As long as he's known him the man had never had so much as a sniffle, now he was delirious with fever and Frank was in charge. It wasn't that he didn't trust the Major but he didn't trust! him.
"Ha! So you're sick huh Pierce." Frank glanced across at his almost unconscious bunk mate deliberately over pronouncing the man's last name. It was time for a little payback now that the Captain was unable to answer back. "Think you're so great don't you Mr Chief Surgeon? Well you may have all these people wrapped around your little finger but it doesn't count, all people will hear about when we return home is your terrible record. They'll throw you in goal for treason when they hear what you've been up to the last two years." The weasely man sniggered and wandered closer to the invalid who lay still, tucked tightly in the army blanket; he was shivering all over, his face grimaced against the feeling in his head. "God you're ugly, how do you do it will all those nurses?"
Despite his personal feelings towards the man in front of him, Frank was a doctor; he had the certificate to prove it. Reaching over to the bowl of water, he rung out the cloth and rested it on Hawkeye's fevered brow. "Why do you hate me? We could have been friends you know" the mood switched, and Frank began outpouring his woes to the one person who could not refuse to listen. "We're not so different you know" as he said it Frank remembered something, the latest prank that the dark haired surgeon had pulled on him, turning everything upside down, glueing his boots and anything else light enough to the ceiling saying that he was honouring the Australian soldiers who were helping them win this war. "How could you do that? Huh? It took me three hours to get my boots unstuck; do you know how humiliating it was, having to turn up to parade in bare feet? Of course you don't care do you; it was nothing but a cheap laugh." The blue eyed simp whined loudly emphasising his hurt feelings with wild gestures. Hawkeye groaned loudly and shifted in his bed "What's the matter feeling guilty?" suddenly an idea came to Franks mind and he smiled happily before dashing to the supply store to get just what he needed.
"Here's a little something to help you sleep. Well they say you need as much rest as possible!" the snivelling man returned and began filling the syringe in his hand, guessing his victims weight to be 170lbs and calculating the amount of drug accordingly. "Little prick coming" he grinned evilly grabbing Hawkeye's arm and going in for the kill.
"Hells bells what in god's name are you doing Major!" the Colonel stepped through the Swamps door just as Frank was about to hit true, and looked down at the hypodermic now sticking out of his friends stomach. The impact brought Hawkeye round a little and he stared at the medical implement through hooded eyes.
"Since when did you inject someone in the stomach" the Colonel asked, his earlier shout drawing a crowd that looked on open mouthed as the Major cowered before his commanding officer.
"You made me jump sir; I was going to put it in his arm." Frank stuttered kneeling like a sinner before god. He could see that Colonel Potter was not interested in his excuses and swallowed them back.
"Well I supposed you remembered something from med school then, you better prey that you missed the vital organs soldier or I'll hang you from the nearest tree. During this torrent of shouting BJ Hunnicut had entered and was at that point removing the needle from his friend, who unable to stay conscious thanks to the fever had laid back down and shut his eyes, his muddled brain trying to make sense of what his eyes had seen.
"What did you give him?" The younger man asked, concern for his friends wellbeing making him feel the need to butt in. After all, his friend might need a shot to counteract the drug administered or may have a bad reaction that could stop his heart.
"Just a sedative, he needs to rest doesn't he?" Frank whimpered his answer.
"You gave a man with a 103 degree fever a sedative? What in the foggy blue morning did you think you were doing Major?" Colonel Potter was incandescent with rage; the last thing you should give to a fever patient is something which dulls the body's responses. The snivelling ball in front of him could have endangered Hawkeyes life, or in the least increased his recovery time just when they needed him to get strong as quickly as possible.
He could hold back no longer, Frank broke down sobbing, his perfect prank had been ruined and worse still the whole camp hated him. His medical ethics had been seriously called into question and he was most likely heading for a court marshal and the firing squad. His numb fingers released the drug bottle and it rolled across the floor.
Major Houlihan dragged him to his feet and away from the staring eyes of everyone around. Lover or not even she disagreed with what Frank had done, treatment of fever patients was basic, keep their temperature down, make sure they get plenty of fluids and let them rest. She would confront him about it in her tent.
As Radar dispersed the crowd, BJ spotted the vial and picked it up "Frank got the wrong vial, all he gave Hawk was a vitamin shot, something that will just void from his system and cause no harm." he felt instantly happier, his best friend was going to be fine.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce stirred awake and clutched his stomach, trying to calm the nausea that had plagued him for the last two days. "Urgh that chilli really did its thing this time." he grumbled sitting up and swallowing the bile that rose up to his mouth.
"What you think Klinger put in it?" BJ asked looking across at his pale friend.
"Barbed wire and engine oil by the feel of it" the surgeon swallowed again but it was no good, with a sharp movement he exited the tent and ran towards the latrine as his stomach turned itself inside out again.
"I'm worried Colonel. Hawkeye has been sick every morning this week. It can't just be down to the food otherwise everyone would be sick and he's showing no other symptoms." BJ had entered the office of the camps commanding officer that morning with a determined but worried air; all his finally tuned medical sensors where going off and alarm bells were ringing loudly in his ears, he knew something was wrong with Hawkeye but he didn't know what.
The colonel shared BJ's concerns and followed him back to the swamp where Hawkeye lay on his cot looking miserable. "Alright Pierce, let's have a look at you."
"I'm fine really." The dark haired man instantly protested. He hated being examined; examinations meant being prodded and poked and if anything was found would then be followed by people fussing over him and trying to take care of him. He couldn't stand it.
"You don't look fine to me, you look like you could use a meal inside you and a decent nights sleep."
"Please don't mention food." The sick man groaned as his stomach heaved again.
"Ah so your still feeling sick." The colonel smiled, he'd got him now; he'd admitted that he wasn't feeling well.
"It's probably food poisoning, you know what the mess tent is like, they cook the stuff and whatever the rats refuse to touch they give us" Hawkeye mumbled. The captain's view of the mess tent was one of disgust. Most people would eat the food quietly and accept that although it was bland and greasy with the same stuff being served for every meal, it was at least food and they probably had a pretty good life compared with their comrades in the trenches. For Hawkeye on the other hand every meal was a battle, he had developed a behaviour which involved smelling everything before putting it in his mouth and especially when he was tired he would share his thoughts of the scent with everyone else making it difficult for them to eat. Frequently the commanding officer had noticed Hawkeye eating nothing but a piece of bread for breakfast or lunch and had considered ordering him to eat properly so that he could stay healthy given the lack of sleep they all suffered from but he knew there was no point. The Colonel laughed at the rat comment, whatever this thing was it had not affected the young man's sense of humour.
Another week and even Hawkeye was starting to worry, he simply couldn't shift the nausea, and constantly being sick was making his throat sore and his head hurt; some days he just wanted to curl up in his cot and not move. He couldn't even operate like this, the slightest sight of blood and he was either running to the latrine or ready to pass out, he was a surgeon, he couldn't act as gasman forever, he had to get to the bottom of this. "Ok Colonel I give in, investigate, do what ever you have to, but make this go away" the dark haired man pleaded, he'd had enough.
"Ok Pierce relax, we'll find out what is wrong, just lie back and relax." The kindly mid-western medic attempted to sooth his patient, as a doctor Hawkeye suffered from the typical trait of not trusting other doctors with his health and second guessing all questions because he used the same questions himself. The dark haired surgeon was possibly worse than most doctors because he hated people looking after him. When it came to his friend's health he was like a mother hen when it came to his he wanted to be left alone.
"What in blue blazes, what is that?" the Colonel held up the x-rays and examined the abnormality on the image.
"Er your not making me feel very relaxed here" Hawkeye's protests went unheard.
"This is the wrong x-ray; get me Captain Pierce's film Houlihan."
"This is Pierce's film colonel, I developed it myself."
"What's wrong?" BJ asked, returning from running tests on his friend's blood sample.
"Hunnicutt what do you make of this?" the Colonel pointed to the x-ray while Hawkeye could do nothing but watch nervously, he couldn't see what they were looking at and their reaction wasn't reassuring him at all.
"Well I know what it looks like, but its impossible."
"My thoughts exactly. Hawkeye do you mind if I just feel your stomach?" the patient doctor shrugged and moved his hands to let the commander have access to his middle, with as open a mind as possible the Colonel prodded his chief surgeons soft lower belly trying to figure out whether the x-ray could possibly be true. Tell tale signs were present, but the diagnosis represented a serious problem.
The tests seemed endless and as the Colonel ordered more and more checks to be conducted Hawkeye grew steadily more nervous, any doctor knows that lots of tests can only mean two things, either the doctors don't know what's wrong or they do know what is wrong and they are trying to disprove it.
"What is wrong with me?" He finally asked as they all stepped back into the room, everyone looked away avoiding his eye "Come on I can take it, if I'm going to die I'd rather know about it" the doctor coaxed his friends.
"You're not going to die Pierce" the Colonel started unsteadily and cleared his throat.
"Well that's reassuring so what's wrong then?"
BJ decided it was up to him to break the news and stepped forward with a big grin "Congratulations mate your going to be a dad" he slapped his friend on the arm but Hawkeye didn't react as he'd hoped.
"Cut the crap, I don't want humour I want to know why I can't stop being sick" the invalid spoke sharply.
"Ok think about this for me" BJ decided a more indirect approach would help the news sink in "You've been sick everyday for the last two weeks when was it at its worst?"
"The morning."
"And you've been feeling a bit tired?"
"A bit, but we've all been working hard over the last two weeks, there's nothing strange there."
The fair headed doctor nodded "How about needing the latrine, more or less?"
"More I suppose, but I've been drinking more, it was helping the nausea."
"Now tell me if you had a patient present with nausea that was worse in the morning, tiredness and more frequent urination what would you diagnose" he asked and watched as his friend considered the symptoms.
"Well a female patient pregnancy but I am a guy so what's this supposed to prove, that I remembered how to spot pregnancy?"
The Colonel stepped in at this point "Your exhibiting all of these symptoms perfectly, the tests we ran also found traces of hCG in your urine, as far as medicine is concerned you are pregnant, I don't know how but that's what is wrong with you" they watched as Hawkeye seemed to consider the diagnosis, each suspected that he was taking the news rather too well and waited for his response.
"What about a tumour, some excrete hCG as a by product" he asked as calmly as he could, his brain was racing, this was impossible, he was a man for goodness sake, he had the crown jewels to prove it, him being pregnant was as likely as Frank being a decent human being.
"Look at the x-ray for yourself. That certainly doesn't look like any tumour I've ever seen" The Colonel put the film against the light as Hawkeye slid off the bed and wandered over to give his experienced opinion.
Even at this incredibly early stage there was evidence of human life on the film. The familiar view of a persons insides that the doctors saw everyday at this outfit was interrupted by a tiny black area, a sign of a hollow organ and inside the tiniest white mark, smaller than an olive in a martini but defiantly there Hawkeye staggered backwards his eyes two wide saucers and his mouth open, he was in total shock and fell backwards into BJ's strong grip, he hadn't fainted he was still alert but his legs had simply given out under him as he looked at the image.
"It's defiantly your film, we checked…" the doctor started to say as he helped his friend stagger back towards the hospital bed and sit down.
"I...I...I... kn...kn...ow" Hawkeye stuttered "I recognise the scar on the intestines" he swallowed and tried to regain his composure.
"Oh yeah I wondered what that was" BJ spoke quietly realising that his friend needed a distraction until everything sorted itself out properly.
"Got in the way of a Mako shark hunt. You know how fast they swim, well I was out swimming, I was 14 at the time, out quite far from shore, I think it was a dare with some friends who could get furthest from the beach, anyway this thing whizzed past me and I think the fin caught me, something, I started bleeding, not a lot but you know what they say a shark only needs one drop to detect you, suddenly I found myself surrounded by Blue sharks. Lucky for me the fishermen spotted the commotion and came to investigate, they chased the sharks off and took me to the nearest hospital. I was really fortunate they said, I had been bitten although I don't remember that bit, about 3 inches of my intestine had been punctured, they had no choice but to remove it I was in hospital for weeks, bowel resection was still a new technique back then, they only gave me 50:50 chance of surviving" the story shocked everyone present, Hawkeye never talked about his past.
"So you don't like swimming any more?" Margaret Houlihan asked quietly.
"Love it; I was back in the ocean as soon as the doctor and my dad would let me."
"You weren't scared of the sharks?"
"Sharks are opportunists, they were only interested in me because I was bleeding, I was unfortunate that time, doesn't mean its going to stop me doing something I love" the Major nodded, not sure she understood, if she was bitten by a shark she was pretty sure she'd stay as far away from them as possible not go straight back to the same place as soon as possible. "If you guys don't mind, I am going back to my tent" his tale told the dark haired man carefully got up and walked unsteadily towards the door.
"Want some company?" BJ called out after him, he was worried, this was not normal behaviour for Hawkeye pierce, he should be cracking gags by now.
"I think I'd like to be alone for a while if you don't mind Beej" the man waved his buddy away and the Captain nodded his agreement, he'd check on him later.
"Now there's only one thing to do" the Colonel voiced as soon as Hawkeye was out of earshot.
"What's that?" the remaining staff asked feeling as confused as the patient who had just left the room.
"Find out how in the blue blazes he got that way!" the Colonel spoke sternly, deeply shocked by his discovery concerning his favourite doctor on camp, the commander was determined to get to the bottom of this mystery if it meant turning the camp upside down.
"Should we let the camp know what's happening?" Margaret raised the question on everyone's mind.
"Not yet, I think we need to let Hawkeye get his head around it before we let it out as a general notice. BJ my office if you're free. Major" the ex army man politely excused himself and both men left for the inner sanctuary of the office to talk.
"Come on Hawk just take a little bit, I know it tastes worse than the mess tent but you need the nutrients and I don't want to have to stick a drip in you if I don't have to" BJ carefully lifted his friends head and coaxed him to drink the thick brown soup that would provide him with essential vitamins and minerals at that time.
The nightly poker game was going well, the cards had been kind to all so far and the mood was light and jovial. Hawkeye Pierce rested his cards on the table for a minute and went over to his bunk for something, he returned with a packet of Oreos and resumed play with one half in his mouth "What?" he asked seeing everyone's gaze fall on him.
"You resorting to playing with cookies now Hawk?" BJ asked jokingly.
"I'm hungry ok" the older man shrugged offering the packet around the table and eating another one himself. Two months since the diagnosis of his unusual condition and Captain Pierce had pretty much accepted what was happening, he was happy to have a joke about it, he'd even given up alcohol, the thing that he had always used to get him through the trauma of seeing young boys hurt because of a mans war.
It had taken a while to get him to this state, for a week after the diagnosis, he had refused to leave his tent, not wanting to eat or drink saying that if he didn't eat anything then the baby inside him would die and he wouldn't have to go through this thing. All that had happened was that he'd lost a lot of weight as his body resorted to its limited fat stores to feed itself and the growing foetus. Finally when he had made himself weak with lack of food BJ had been forced to give him a nutrient drink, it was either that or connect him up to a drip and he didn't plan on doing that until a last resort.
The morning after the Colonel had refused to let him stay in the tent, physically dragging him to the mess tent and putting a tray of food in front of him "Eat it, that's an order Captain" he had said picking the fork up and putting it in his friends hand, under the steely gaze of his commanding officer Hawkeye had taken a reluctant bite of the dehydrated egg that formed the basis of most meals here. It felt good, he didn't feel quite so empty all of a sudden, he took another careful bite and smiled as the feeling increased, the Colonel winked slyly in BJ's direction, they'd got him to eat, now they just had to get him to accept what was happening to him and the only way to do that was to talk it out.
The camp had been informed of what was happening three days after the diagnosis and the reaction had been varied, everything from wild disbelief to stunned silence. Some thought maybe it was an April's fool gag but since it was mid June that idea was quickly dismissed.
Many people congratulated the Captain, knowing that it was the usual practice when someone made an announcement like this but the words were stiff, and people felt awkward. Hawkeye himself felt awkward he still wasn't sure he was happy about what was happening to him.
He walked into the outer office that morning to hear loud shouts coming from the Colonel "Hey Radar, what's going on?"
"Colonel Potter just found out who…er….made you …..er….."
"In the family way Radar?"
"Yeah that way."
"What in Sam Hill did you think you were playing at Major?" the holler was loud enough to be heard clearly outside.
"Major? as in Burns" Hawkeye asked the corporal next to him.
"Yes sir."
"Frank did this to me?"
Radar nodded and watched helplessly as Hawkeye strode into the office "You can't go in there s…" he tried to call out but it was too late.
"You little creep, you did this to me?" Captain Pierce immediately grabbed his bunk mate by the throat and held him against the wall.
"Pierce" the Colonel warned but Hawkeye didn't hear, his rage had stopped all but the most vital responses, his grip was tight enough that Frank was already struggling to breath, standing on his tip toes to counteract the pressure on his neck. "PIERCE PUT HIM DOWN!" the Colonel yelled startling everyone in the room.
Silently Hawkeye released the man from the wall and threw him into the chair with a violent move. Frank had never seen Hawkeye so angry and for once decided it unwise to try for disciplinary action against the Captain. "Sit down Pierce, you might as well hear this now rather than later."
However the Captain was still too angry "I'd rather stand if you don't mind colonel" he spoke quietly his whole body shaking as he tried to control the anger that surged through his body and made his blood boil.
"From the top Major."
"Sir?"
"I want Hawkeye to hear about your 'little prank' now spill."
With a sigh Frank began his story again, the more he told it the more it sank in that what he had done was no joke. He'd had no idea what had been in that syringe, he'd assumed that it was nothing, knowing that a man couldn't get pregnant so obviously the guy that had given it to him was talking bull and thought he was stupid. But now he thought about it, it could have easily been poison. He could have been labelled a murderer. He didn't like Pierce but he didn't want him dead either, no matter what he had done to him in the past.
"Let me get this straight Frank, some guy paid you to inject a 'pregnancy formula' into my stomach."
"Yeah well you're a guy I knew it couldn't possibly work….er…. well I was pretty sure." The other man stammered his answer; at least the chief surgeon was sitting down now rather than pacing the room. That had to be a sign that he was calming down.
"The chinless wonder strikes again, you really would do anything for money wouldn't you" with an exasperated sigh Hawkeye threw up his hands and left the room, in the long run it was safer, another minute in there and he was likely to do something he'd later regret.
"Attention all personnel. General Barker will be arriving at 1100 hours for unit inspection. All staff to present in full uniform." The loud speaker blared out the orders at 8.30am stirring everyone from their slumber. Hawkeye Pierce sat up and rubbed his tired eyes he'd only finished operating 5 hours ago and had been hoping for a lie in this morning, no such luck now the whole camp was a buzz preparing for the inspection.
"You know he's probably coming to see you" BJ yawned as he threw the blanket from his prone form and sat up as well.
"Can't he do it at a decent hour" the dark haired man yawned again and stood up, looking at his face in the mirror.
"Well you know the regular army starts at 5.30am." BJ commented, feeling eternally glad that he wasn't regular army; he doubted he could cope with 5.30am starts every day.
Grabbing his towel Hawkeye left the tent and headed towards the shower, perhaps the ice water that ran thru there at this hour would wake him up.
"Come on" BJ urged his friend "What's taking so long."
"I can't do my uniform up" Hawkeye looked at his friend with pure sincerity as they rushed to be on the parade ground.
"What?" BJ quickly knelt down to help Hawkeye "Will you breath in" he instructed seeing what his friend meant about the uniforms fit.
"I am!"
Eventually between them they managed to get the final buckle in place and stood ready as the Generals Jeep turned the corner.
"At ease men" the General commanded.
"Easy for him to say, if I at ease I'm going to burst a button" Hawkeye whispered to his friend who tried not to laugh at the surgeons predicament.
"Ah Captain Pierce, how are you feeling?"
"Fine, considering."
"Excellent, anything the army can do for you at the moment?"
At that point the effort of holding his breath became too much and Hawkeye breathed out bursting, as predicted, some of the buttons on his uniform "A bigger uniform might be useful" he muttered sarcastically watching the generals face.
"Er yes of course." Barker stroked his moustache nervously and moved on to the rest of the inspection.
"The general would like to see you for an exam when your done here" Colonel Potter spoke to his patient and quickly sent him and BJ on their way, before anyone else noticed the state of Hawkeye's uniform which he was trying to hide beneath his hat.
As the fall turned into winter the temperatures dropped rapidly and Hawkeye found he was actually happy to have a living hot water bottle around his middle, he actually felt quite warm for once.
Of course the other symptoms were not so pleasant, his back constantly ached and while he was not particularly big he still found his belly got in the way of operations. He couldn't lean in as close as he liked and he couldn't work for more than 6 hours without his whole body complaining.
The worst though was everybody wanting to take care of him "I'm sick of this" he grumbled loudly one day "No one treats me normally anymore, the guys are scared to come near me because I am 'delicate', and the girls want to wrap me up and take care of me. I just want it to be the way it was before."
"Listen Hawk we don't mean to make you feel like that but this is as strange for us as it is for you. You just have to be patient. Tell us if we're being too careful." BJ offered a friendly ear, throughout this all he'd been there as Hawkeye's support, through all the emotions and mood swings, through the crying at random moments because of the colour of the creamed spinach or because someone in the monthly movie was in love he'd been like a rock and now he knew he needed to give his friend the tough love he desired, he had to treat him like a man again. "Come on, I'll give you a game of basket ball" he grinned standing up.
"What?" "You want to be a guy again, come on lets have some one on one" both men left the tent and headed to the court for some gentle R&R.
"Klinger I refuse to believe that you are with child" Colonel Potter spoke to the corporal without looking up.
"But sir, I have all the symptoms, nausea, tiredness, going to the loo a lot. I'm always hungry. Send me home sir, I'll raise this kid alone and not ask for a cent from the army."
"Son, you do not even look pregnant" the Colonel looked up at this point and examined his corporal carefully, the man had pushed a pillow under his top to act as a bump "Look out there" he pointed through the office window to where Hawkeye was trying to catch his breath, clutching his aching back and leaning against the basketball post "Now that is believable pregnant, when you can look like that, I will send you home. Dismissed" with a disgruntled look the Lebanese man left the office and trudged back to his tent, he'd have to think again about this one.
"Radar!" Colonel Potter called loudly, informing his clerk that his presence was required.
"Yes sir." Radar opened the door and peered through the gap.
"Ask Captain Pierce to come and see me please."
"Yes sir" the army clerk left the building and walked to where the two Captains stood shooting hoops. "Captain Pierce sir."
"What is it Radar?" Hawkeye aimed his shot and managed a basket as he answered. BJ smiled and clapped, his friend was not exactly athletic so the 'goal' had been a surprise to both of them.
"Er Colonel Potter would like to see you."
"Alright, tell him I'll be right there after I use the latrine."
"Yes sir" Radar trudged back to the office and delivered the message along with some papers that needed the Colonels signature.
"You wanted to see me Colonel" Hawkeye walked confidently into the office and looked at the man behind the desk.
"Yes, sit down." the Captain complied and sank into the office chair, waiting quietly while the Colonel finished his final report. "Its time for your exam."
"Again, didn't I just have one?"
"I won't lie to you Pierce, I am concerned, you are not gaining enough weight. You know how dangerous it is to be underweight during pregnancy."
"Well sure, but what can I do? I already eat five meals a day and snacks when ever I feel hungry. I eat almost as much as Radar and he likes the food."
"I realise that, I don't know what we can do, your not what my mother would call a natural fatty, you don't tend to gain weight no matter how much you eat" Hawkeye shrugged "We'll just have to keep an eye on you that's all."
"Getting any better BJ?" The Colonel asked looking on as Hawkeye lay resting on the bed.
"About the same, he's a fighter all right."
"We all know that. Why don't you get some rest BJ? I'll watch him for a while."
The fair headed man nodded and crawled to his bunk, grateful for the reprieve, even with nothing to do but sit there and make sure Hawkeye's fever didn't get worse he felt drained, emotionally and physically. Everyone was worried about the chief surgeon but there was nothing anyone could do, it was a waiting game.
"Yaouch!" Hawkeye awoke suddenly from his sleep, a deep lingering pain coming from his bulging middle. Instinctively the doctor blew a breath out and felt it ease slightly, this wasn't happening, not now; he wasn't ready to be a dad. Another pain ripped through his body. "BJ" he called out and heard the mumbled replied from his friend bunk. "BJ! OW! Wake up, it's started."
That got the other man moving, in an instant he was up and helping his friend over to the operating theatre. "Stay there" he instructed leaving his nervous friend on the gurney.
"Where are you going?" He knew the answer should be obvious but his brain was currently muddied by both pain and emotion and he really didn't want to be on his own.
"To get some back up, I can't deliver this thing single handed."
"Hurry up!" Hawkeye watched his friend dash from the room, and lay back; the sweat ran freely from his forehead as the contractions got closer together.
Soon the Colonel arrived and Major Houlihan, they stood over him talking about how it would soon be over and preparing to cut him open. Someone removed his pants, he was sure he heard them talking about the way he stomach looked, what did they expect he was 9 months pregnant. He felt the gas mask press against his nose and mouth and suddenly the room went hazy.
Hawkeye awoke to find himself back in the swamp, he looked round, BJ was asleep and Frank. The Colonel sat in the chair by his bed; eyes shut and open book in his hand. The Captain looked down at himself, he was drenched in sweat and wait, he was thin, that wasn't right. He carefully prodded himself in the middle expecting to find a bandage or at least feel a pain where the stitches were, nothing, he lifted his top and looked at his stomach, it was flat.
The Colonel shifted slightly and the book fell to the floor waking him from his light sleep. "Pierce, your awake, how are you feeling?" he sounded relieved.
Hawkeye pulled himself upright still expecting to feel something; after all he had just had a baby hadn't he? Actually where was the baby, he should be able to hear crying. "I'm fine, what happened?"
BJ awoke as well upon hearing his friend's familiar voice "You've had a high fever for the last 3 days. We weren't sure you'd pull through."
So that was it, there was no baby; he'd imagined the whole thing. He was almost disappointed, he'd gotton used the idea of being a dad. "I'm tougher than any old virus but I had the strangest dream, it all started when Frank injected something into my stomach…."
The end.