Sometimes Roxas has dreams of his own. Dreams that are just dreams (whatever they are supposed to be) not shattered fragments of clouded faces and distant names. He wonders how can this be possible, for someone (no one) like him to dream, because memories are one thing but the desire comes from the heart and he knows how numb, how empty, how hollow there is, he has been fighting against his own numbness from the first day. He thinks about the whole subject like a broken cage bird without any bird, just the absence and the lingering feeling of wrongness, the sensation of knowing that something should be there (must be there). But what does he know? Maybe the bird never existed from the start.
(Or maybe is just a different kind of bird, one that you can't see but sometimes if you listen well enough you can feel, the pulsation, the distant singing from far, far away.)
But the point is that sometimes Roxas dreams and he knows that he is dreaming, but he never says anything. He knows not because of his sense of reality- that is just a parallel line drawn with a knife like a wound in his skin, a knife never of his own-. Neither he knows because of their lack of sense. For things to make sense they should exist, and when has something made sense when a heart-shaped moon, which light seems fake and cold, is the only thing that keeps them -all of them, even de death ones- under the same roof? Sense doesn't matter to him and sense is not what brings him to his final conclusion.
The fact is that the realization comes within their faces, the angles that Roxas has shaped into his mind because if he doesn't have a heart to remember at least he has his sky-blue eyes to watch carefully how red Axel's hair is when the sunset ignites his face, and how bright looks Xion with the moon -real moon from other world more real that this where he is supposed to belong- shining above her.
He knows deep in his soul (but what is a soul without a heart) that this can't be real, that this can't be happening because when he says "Let's run away" there isn't a hint of sadness on their faces, nor the yearn of the unattainable. Not the hollow laugh of Axel which is his way of telling him that there are things that weren't made for them, like freedom or a more stable happiness. When Roxas says it is completely serious and his eyes light up with the strength of important decisions, life decisions and Xion, dream-Xion smiles like it is the best idea that she has ever heard, like this only idea can save them from the non-existence, from the numb. Like it was love, and only love, the only necessary thing to keep going
(As If they could love)
And he knows well enough how these kind of things, good things, don't happen in his world. Because there is sadness implicated in every word, behind every sunset, because every time could be the last one and Xion, and Axel, they both know it and the resignation crawls into their bones when he says "Let's run away, the three of us".
Roxas is completely conscious of the unreality, but he doesn't say a word. How can he when Axel's wicked smile seems more honest and the fire doesn't burn but warm him when he says with such conviction: "Fuck this, let's get out of this place"
-
In his dream they go away during a simple mission, like any other, except for the one thing; the day of their great escape is raining. "It is like a movie" Axel says and then makes a promise -another one- about taking them to watch movies, cheesy ones with happy endings, so they can laugh together about how bad they are but smile fondly when they think no one is seeing. So they just go away, the hoods up to add a little more drama and dream-Axel doesn't look back. Because this is Roxas's dream and in his dream Axel only has them, there isn't anything attaching him to those white, perfidious walls that only remind them the hollowness of their existences anymore
The outside world is the exact opposite, is full of colors and life that fills them up with so much life, so much energy that is overwhelming. There are no reminders, just Axel's voice saying "Keep running!" while laughing, back to back against the Dusks, against everything that keeps them from living a life that doesn't belongs to them but they don't care anymore.
They run, run, run, run, run.
-
Dream-Roxas wants to see everything with his own eyes, because visiting some world just to destroy a few heartless and going back is different, so different, from feeling the sun burning his skin, the warm sand of Agrabah itching inside his shoes. Waiting for the sun to hide, is in this run-away adventure of traveling from world to world that he discovers that there are different shades of red on every twilight on every city. He learn the importance of waiting in this other clock tower of this other unknown city, the expectative, the rush of blood into their veins when the times comes and the smiles of his two best friends is worth all the waiting in the world, in all the worlds.
-
In his dream they don't have beds with white sheets, clean by an invisible hand every night, they don't even have beds or a roof to sleep under. But they have each other and that is enough, so they kill a few heartless and gain in an honestly way enough money to pay an hotel and buy some clothes.
The room is small and old, full of cracks and dirty sand colored walls from years of use. They love it. "Saïx would hate this, he would grow a heart only from his hatred to this gorgeous place" says dream-Axel and because is Roxas's dream there is not a hint of melancholy when he pronounces that name. Xion finds the room cute, like a dirty dog from the streets. Everyone agrees, the contrast with the castle is flagrant and the taste is in the air like the freedom of having for dinner whatever they want at whatever time they want, with a lot of ice cream for dessert.
They have to learn simple tasks like cooking and cleaning because there are no more Dusks to do it. They love this too. Axel knows from a past life from far away how to do some of this, he says "Mom wouldn't let me watch TV if I didn't make the bed" with a grin, dream-Axel talks about himself without detours and is only in his dreams that Roxas (both real and dream-Roxas) has the feeling of starting to know his best friend.
-
This is one of his favorite parts of the dream. The one that he could replay in his mind night after night. The three of them spend a full day from shop to shop searching for the right clothes to wear, because if they can fake enough individuality maybe it can start to be real. The awareness of the self more present with every passing day.
Dream-Axel carries a bag full of clothes all the way to the hotel where they change and model for each other laughing loud and reckless.
Xion comes first with a light dress that makes her looks even more brighter, with a smile that could light up the night of The World That Never Was and dream-Roxas is speechless "Woah" is the only thing that he can say and dream-Axel laughs so hard that his stomach starts to hurt and he has to lay on the bed while Roxas hits him with a pillow.
The second one is Roxas, with an urban style that matches him, all black and white like the dichotomy of his now-existence. He likes it because it looks normal, like any fifteen years old and when Axel looks at him, with a subtle smile in the lips, suddenly his mouth goes dry. "Looking good" and "Oh shut up"
The last is Axel, the most casual of the three. Looking relaxed in a more real way that the one when he was at the castle faking sleep on the couch. Hands in the pockets, he seems comfortable in his own skin with a yellow scarf around his neck. For some reason it looks like the scarf was there since forever. Dream-Xion claps and dream-Roxas starts to understand the feeling of belonging.
"Not so bad" he says, half smile.
"Stop lying to yourself"
The rest of the night is all about eating french fries, watching those movies that Axel has said and huddling together under a not-white-sheet.
-
In his dream life is easy, because there is needed only the strength of will to learn how to feel. Real-Roxas finds it funny, how dream-Roxas, dream-Axel and dream-Xion can grow a heart from a stone.
Maybe is because of that, because it isn't fake, that Axel kisses him. One night in one world that none of them have seen before, in one specially devastated room. The two of them are on the damaged balcony that could fall in any second, talking about silly things that are not so silly. That day is Xion's turn to bring food, so she opts for buying some hamburgers. Axel improvises a tablecloth with olds newspaper and Roxas draws stars in it.
He kisses him while they wait for Xion, with the fluency of something natural and right. And there nothing can get complicated, so Roxas kisses back because this is the proof that love can save anyone from anything, than love can burn you slowly from the inside and from the ashes carve a heart, gives you shape and life, love can make every sunset the most marvelous sunset of the world and life itself can be just that, those 30 seconds of the sun going down. Love can make you live for the first time since you were born in a world of shadows.
They kiss hard in a moonless night and when dream-Xion opens the door she laughs softly saying "Finally!" because love is contagious and is for them all.
-
His other favorite part is about full filing promises.
The only rule is never planning anything. Axel doesn't like plans and the surprise always hits you harder, in a good way. So, when they get to the beach for pure casualty is like fate. What more could it be? Fate of being born to live this moment, the moment when without saying a word the three run to the shore laughing loud because this is all they wanted. Roxas is the first to touch the water, cold and transparent like glass. No one has swimsuits, it was impossible to be prepared for that moment and the three of them are dreaming inside a dream. Coming into the water fully clothed, dream-Axel just watching them from the waterless side of the beach.
Real-Roxas thinks that this part is one of his favorite because is more of a premonition of the day when they finally hit the beach.
-
Roxas never reaches the end of the dream. Sometimes he feels it near, like the credits of the movies that Axel likes, with the screen fading and an old song that talks about burning bridges with the flame of life. A happy ending, with the three of them walking down the road with the sun on their backs and the promise of a new life.
Sometimes it feels more like an open end. Another kind of music, the incidental kind which is only for ambient because the focus is on Axel's phrase (he is the one who looks like a movie star but he doesn't need to know that Roxas thinks that) one without any sense but that sounds good, with the "got it memorized" at the end.
He likes both endings, but he never sees them, maybe because life has no end, not when there is love in your veins and bones.
-
When Roxas (the real one who has no idea of how to clean a room, neither he has color in his walls, or anything close to a kiss.) wakes up, he wonders if somewhere in the worlds that he cannot see, there is a dream-Roxas with his dream-Axel and dream-Xion, with a happier, brighter life full of freedom and birds without cages. Having adventures and salving worlds with the power of that abstract concept that he can't understand, a whisper like a blow of wind in a beach far away from his reach.
He wonders if his next life could be like that