Masks:
A #projectbeautiful antibullying oneshot
All day, she had struggled to hold her tears in. For what seemed like ages she had pretended as best as she could to be perfectly okay, all along shoving a mask over her pain. "I've never been better. Really, I'm fine." She had insisted.
"Okay, if you say so." The editor of the school newspaper had said, quirking a waxed eyebrow at her.
"You're sure?" Her English teacher had asked after he'd noticed a single tear escape from her eye during class. She cursed her mask for having slipped.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm doing great. Thanks." She had forced a plastic smile onto her face, willing it to stay, then picked up her books and left.
But that couldn't possibly be further from the truth. Even now, the phantom voices echoed relentlessly through her head, rebounding, louder and louder and louder. Nothing she did or said would banish them.
"You're so ugly."
"You should kill yourself. Don't worry, no one will miss you. I sure won't, at least."
"Loser."
"Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat."
"You'll never be pretty, so don't even bother trying."
"Spaz."
"Over-emotional."
"Idiot."
And of course, the never ending chorus of, "You're so stupid. Why can't you do anything right?" Her own voice, that one was.
On and on and on, always there, always reminding her how pathetic she was. As if she needed to be reminded.
That morning had been difficult. But then again, they always were. Kim always dreaded going to school; ever since she had detached herself from her friends, she had been all alone. It's for everyone's good, she had told herself. They won't waste their time sticking up for me, and I won't have to keep on feeling guilty about it.
Now there was no one to stop the jocks from tripping her, the beautiful, perfect girls from calling her rude names and whispering behind her back, no one to yell at the boys who would grab at her clothing as she walked by and whisper crude words in her ear. She was all alone now.
It had all begun the summer of freshman year. No, scratch that. Kim had been bullied ever since she was in kindergarten, but that summer was when it really escalated. Kim, Jack, Jerry and Mika had been at a pool party a few seniors were throwing at this huge, lavish mansion. Kim had been in their huge living room sipping a cup of purple mystery liquid Jerry had handed her when she saw the microphone, speakers, and karaoke lyrics playing on a huge wide-screen TV.
Two blonde girls were currently occupying the tiny 'stage', belting out their own rendition of a Madonna song. Kim didn't know what they thought they were doing, but they sounded bad. Really bad. So when Jerry and Mika pushed her onto the stage rather forcefully, she only protested a little at first.
"No, no, no." She had shook her head.
"Relax!" The two girls were reluctantly relinquishing the spotlight, Mika had handed her a mic, and Jerry had shoved her onstage.
Her two friends melted into the crowd, leaving her wide-eyed and frozen on stage. She would have stayed like that, paralyzed with shock and fear, had not her favorite song began to play.
Kim had always been one to stay under the radar. She avoided bothering people in hopes that they wouldn't notice her- after all, no attention is better than negative attention, right? It was what she had grown up believing after spending her elementary school years running from the tormentors that would steal her lunch, push her off playground structures, and hurt her for no apparent reason other than it was fun.
They had teased her about everything. Once, they even went so far as to rip up her report card and toss the contents of her backpack onto the road. But that's a story for another time.
Anyways, back to Kim. When her favorite song began to play, it was like she lost control of the intricate mask she had so carefully sculpted to hide her true self from the world. It disappeared, and as the intro drew to a close, the time came for her to sing. She told herself that it was too late to back down now- if she sang, it couldn't be worse than being ridiculed for chickening out in front of the many people that awaited her first note, could it?
So, that's exactly what she did. Taking a deep breath, she opened her mouth and sang, tentatively at first. As she grew more confident, she closed her eyes, losing herself in the music. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she felt…. Free. She had forgotten how freedom even felt; she had spent so long hiding behind a false identity. When the last note resounded and the music stopped, she opened her eyes tentatively to see shock, admiration, and disbelief on her audience's faces.
Even the kids who had been playing air hockey, chatting idly, and gorging themselves on chips had stopped and stared.
A whole room of eyes, all looking at her.
Of course, she panicked. Hurriedly handing the mic of to the next singers, she ran off the stage and out of the room, not even stopping when she heard her friends calling her name. Not stopping until she had ran far enough away that she was sure no one had followed her.
The next day, she kept her head down, willing everyone else not to notice her. I'm not here, she thought. I'm just a shadow, a flicker, a figment of your imagination. But of course, they did.
"You were amazing last night, Kim!" A group of girls she didn't even know surrounded her and raved on and on about her performance the previous night. The attention made her uncomfortable; it made her want to disappear again.
"It was nothing, really." She answered, smiling politely.
"Are you kidding me? I wish I could sing like that. Where'd you learn to sing like that? Can you teach me how to sing like that? I wish I could sing like that." A petite redhead rambled on and on until the bell rang and Kim muttered an excuse before quickly walking away.
All day that day, she was the subject of admiration. Overnight, a nobody had become a somebody- all by singing one song.
But, like many good things, it wasn't meant to last forever.
The two blondes who had sung before her had turned out to be the hosts of the party. They were furious that they'd been upstaged at their own party, and soon after that, they stirred up rumors about Kim in hopes others would begin to turn against her.
Some of the rumors affected her friends. Mika was one of them. Kim was so upset that one of her best friends would believe a rumor rather than her, and they stopped talking. That day, Kim went home, locked her bedroom door, and sobbed into her pillow.
The next day, she arrived at school wearing a mask of indifference and composure, smiling at the right times and speaking only when spoken to.
Those two girls were clever, really. All the rumors were designed to make people hate Kim. Within a month, the only people who would talk to her were Jack and Jerry. No one even wanted to sit at the same table as her. Jack and Jerry began to take insults and punches for hanging out with Kim. That was when she pushed them away, and though they resisted, she wouldn't give up. It hurt her, but she told herself she was being strong. That they were better off without her.
And even then, the worst was yet to come.
Things cooled down after a couple months. People simply stopped finding Kim interesting, and found other people to pick on. Eventually, a day came when not one person would throw an insult at her, much less look at her, and she began to relax. She even let herself hope that people would stop hating her, and she could blend into the shadows again.
Boy, was she wrong. It was the terrifying tranquility before the raging storm- those two girls hadn't forgotten her.
Predictably, they stirred things up again. Behind closed doors, they would whisper in peoples' ears. Texts were sent, posts were written, phone calls were made.
"You know Kim Crawford? Yeah, she's pregnant."
When she first heard of it, she couldn't believe it. But it only took a quick peek at her Facebook wall, and she was hit with the hatred and scorn of her classmates' posts and comments.
It shouldn't have affected her but it did, because the next week, her old best friend came up to her. The person she trusted with everything, and still did. The person who meant more to her than anything or anyone else, even though they hadn't had a proper conversation in ages.
"I can't believe you, Kim. What happened to the girl I knew? You used to be so sweet and kind to everyone. You were the girl who would cover for the kids who skipped class.
You were the only one who would help people out with homework even if it meant you couldn't finish your own. I can't believe you would do this to yourself." Jack had stormed away as soon as he had finished his sentence, not even allowing her to defend herself. What hurt the most, though, was that he hadn't even been able to look her in the eye. He was ashamed of her.
Numb, she crumpled to the floor, hair covering her face, books clattering to the ground. All around her, the other kids continued on their ways, oblivious to her pain.
Oblivious to her.
Now, Kim sat cross-legged on her bathroom floor, door locked, lights dim, recounting the events of that morning. It had only been last week when Jack's words had torn her soul apart. This morning had been no better.
Not only did she have no one sticking up for her, but two of the only three people she'd ever trusted joined forces with her harassers.
They had both ignored her for most of the day, as usual. They both had their own lives and different friends now. Friends that couldn't care less about Kim.
Mika had giggled with the girls in the change rooms when they had commented that Kim was fat enough to be pregnant. She had even thrown in a comment of her own, shooting a snide glance at Kim. Meeting her eyes, Kim had seen no trace of her former friend.
Everyone had laughed.
Kim's mask had cracked the tiniest bit.
At lunch, with a group of boys watching, Jerry had come up to her table and dumped a carton of milk all over her. Soaked from head to toe, she could only sit there and watch as he strode away with his new friends, not even giving her a second glance.
I can't take it anymore, Kim thought as she sat on the plush bath mat, picking at her shorts. I promised myself I wouldn't, but I have to.
The only sound in the room was her fingers tapping as she checked her Facebook page on her phone. The comments were still pouring in. She forced herself to read some of them, and tears sprung to her eyes. For a moment, her mask shattered. It's not true, she wanted to yell. None of it is true! But she didn't. She couldn't.
All she could think was, good. It'll make me stronger for what I need to do.
Setting her phone down on the cold marble counter, she turned the water in her bathtub on.
"Kim, honey, I'm leaving. Don't forget to lock the door after I leave." Her mom's voice called up the stairs.
Kim steadied her voice, pretending everything was all right.. "Okay, mom. Bye, I love you."
"Love you too. Do your homework, okay?"
"Okay." She called. She heard the front door slam shut.
She watched as the water pooled in the bottom of the bathtub. She turned it off when it reached the halfway mark, then tentatively stepped in without undressing. Her favorite jean shorts grew dark with moisture as she sat on the edge of the bathtub, legs half submerged in water.
Hands shaking, she reached under the bath mat. She withdrew an object from under it, then smoothed back her blonde hair, fingers trembling. The object glinted in the light. It was so pretty for something meant to.. meant to… she couldn't even think. She could only do.
The knife hovered over the pale, scarred skin of her right wrist, anticipating the beautiful drops of blood that would fall like precious rubies. All she wanted was to be set free. That blood would set her free, free from the masks, free from the words that weighed her down.
Free.
She pressed. A single drop of blood slid down her arm and hit the surface of the water, staining the area cherry red before disappearing.
I just wish someone cared, she thought. But no one does. I'm all alone. My parents don't even care- they're so busy, they hardly even look at me. I wonder if anyone will notice when I'm gone.
She pressed down even harder, willing her mask to hide her pain even though she was alone. Because once a single crack appeared, her entire mask would shatter. Once her mask shattered, she could never get it back again.
But then, over on the counter her phone began to play the opening of a song she hadn't heard in forever. She curled her lip bitterly- it was the special ringtone she had saved for Jack, way back when.
She wasn't going to answer it, she didn't want to answer it, she wouldn't answer it.
But the lyrics of the song struck something in her. Before she could stop herself, she was out of the bathtub and picking up her phone. Water slid down her legs, pooling around her feet. The knife lay abandoned, balanced precariously on the edge of the bathtub.
Time froze. She stared at the screen and its two options, glowing in green and red:
Answer or Decline.
Her fingers drummed on the counter.
Her finger hovered over decline.
She pressed answer.
"Hello? Kim, are you there?" Jack's voice asked anxiously.
She paused.
"Kim? Please, answer me."
"Yeah, Jack?" It came out more vulnerable than she had meant it to sound.
"Whatever you're thinking of doing, please don't do it." He sounded on the verge of tears. "I'm so sorry for what I said. I really am. And I know what you're trying to do. Don't do it, Kim. Please."
She was struck dumb. "What do you mean?" How did he..?
"Don't deny it, Kim. You want.. you're going to… " He choked.
"Kill myself?" She asked casually, as if they were discussing a homework assignment.
"Yes." He whispered. "You can't."
"Why not? Wait, never mind. How do you know what I'm doing?" She allowed herself to narrow her eyes, though he couldn't see her.
"Because. I know you better than anyone else. I could tell what you were thinking when you left school today." He replied.
"Then why didn't you do something?" She snapped, her mask beginning to melt. "Why did you wait until now? Do you have any idea how close I was? Do you, huh? You didn't say anything. You knew how I was feeling, but you just ignored me." Her voice rose.
"No, it wasn't like that, Kim, I swear I-"
"You swear you what? Forget it, Jack. I'm done with all this. You're too late." She tossed the phone back on the counter, flinching slightly when it hit. She could hear Jack's voice calling futilely.
She refused to answer, looking in the mirror. A girl with messy hair the color of dull straw and boring brown eyes stared back at her. Her cheeks were blotchy from her tears, and her mouth formed one thin line. "They were right. I am ugly." She looked down, disgusted by her own image.
A moment later, the latch to her bathroom window turned. The window swung open, and a foot reached through. Then, another.
Before she could react, Jack was standing right there in her bathroom. Her mouth gaped open as in one smooth move, he spotted the bloody knife balanced on the edge of the bathtub, picked it up, and tossed it out the window. Her eyes followed it as it flew glittering through the air, blade over handle over blade over handle, then vanished.
"You.. what… how..?" She sputtered. "How could you do this to me?" Angry tears fell as she threw a punch at him and he dodged it, his Vans squeaking on the polished white-tiled floor. "Why couldn't you just leave me alone?" She sobbed.
"I'm sorry, I had to! I couldn't just let my best friend do this to herself."
"Best friend, huh? Where were you when I really needed you?" She yelled.
"I'm sorry." His voice quieted, and he looked away. Seeing the opportunity, she put her hands on his chest and shoved him, hard. He staggered back, hitting the wall. His head cracked against the frosted glass of the window, and the pale blue curtains fluttered. "Ouch! Calm it!"
"No!" She went to shove him again, but he caught both her wrists this time and wouldn't let them go, no matter how much she struggled.
"Listen to me. Kim. Kim! Listen to me, okay?" His chocolate-brown eyes bore into hers. She looked away. "Please believe me when I say I'd go back and change everything I've done to you if I could."
"But you can't." She replied bitterly. "What's it to you if I k-k-kill myself? Besides the fact that I'm your 'best friend.''' She wrestled her wrists from his grip and leaned back on the white marble counter.
He sighed, running a hand through his thick, dark hair. "Kim, I don't think you have any clue how much you mean to me. Remember back in preschool when a second grader stole my lunch?"
"Yeah." She glanced at him suspiciously. "I helped you get it back."
"Not just that. You stuck up for me, when no one else would. I'm kind of doing the same thing now for you."
"Oh."
"Yeah. If you kill yourself, I will never ever stop blaming myself. I'll never stop hurting." He admitted.
"I don't want to hurt you. I never did. I just want to be free. I want to stop being someone I'm not."
"Then stop." He said.
"I don't know how." She sighed again, blowing a strand of hair out of her face.
I'll help you. From now on, you'll never be alone again. Whenever you need me, I'll be there." He said.
"Promise?" She asked, hoping against hope. She smiled, despite herself. Maybe, just maybe, it would be okay.
"Yeah. Promise." He nodded once, then awkwardly wrapped an arm around her for a few moments.
The smile remained, lighting Kim's face up. No matter what happened, it would be okay, shewould be okay, because she wasn't alone anymore. Because, at long last, someone cared.
I just wanted to say: if you're a bullying victim reading this right now, please know that I think you're beautiful and amazing. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise- you were meant to be the way you are today. Your life has a purpose- so don't end it if you're considering it. Please.
And if you're someone like Kim in this story, hiding who you truly are from the world…. I just want you to know that I completely understand.
If you ever need any kind of support, don't hesitate to PM me anytime. I'm here for you. Everything I've said goes for everyone reading this!
Stay strong. I'm rooting for ya.
-#projectbeautiful-
Xoxo, lovelifeandwatermelons