Heart and Soul

Nike

cloverhoney@angelfire.com

Disclaimer:  I don't own Star Wars.  They belong to Mr. Lucas.  I'm just borrowing them without permission to play with them.  It's all in fun and I'm not making any money off of this.  Since I'm not making money off of this I don't have enough money to make suing me worthwhile, so there's no point in trying.

Rating:  PG for now.

Genre:  Speculative Ep. III and a tad AU simply because I can't read George's mind.

Summary:  Dark Anakin muses about his former mentor before their duel.

Archive:  You really want this?  Sure!  Just let me know where you put it if you borrow it.

Author's Note:  This is my first Star Wars fic.  I hope you like it, but if you don't, oh well.  It's not as it's going to stop me.  I'd appreciate reviews.  You can even flame me if you really think it's that bad, but be forewarned; if you flame I'll probably continue as I have just to prove you wrong.

And now the reason why you're reading this in the first place…

Heart and Soul: Musings

            Your ship must have landed by now.  I can feel you coming closer.  Deep down inside I know I will always feel your presence when you are near.

            Fear wells within me; fear and anger at what I must do.  If I fail to turn you, then I will have to kill you.  I don't want to kill you, Obi-Wan.  Oh, please don't force me to kill you!

            I have stood by your side for years, Obi-Wan, and have been happy to do so.  You have been my best friend, my father figure, the big brother I never had, and I love you as all three.  You are my soul, Obi-Wan, and I have no wish to destroy my soul.

            Oh, beautiful child of light, how can I resist you?  You're everything I want to be, everything I should have been.  Don't blame yourself for my fall into darkness.  It is my fault for not listening to you like I should have, and not any failure in your teaching.  Still, I know you will blame yourself.  You feel guilty about your arrogance.

            Arrogance?!  The only thing you were ever arrogant about was about your teaching, and I helped that along when I admitted once to you that I learned more from our missions and our long talks than I did from any of the so-called Temple Instructors. 

            I hate those who blame you for my own failures.  I hate it when they call you arrogant, conniving, and flawed.  They see only the cold exterior that you let them see.  I know better; I have picked up the shattered pieces afterwards.  I know all your insecurities, know your dreams and nightmares, know what makes your heart break.  I know my turning broke your heart and I'm sorry I wasn't there to pick up the pieces this time.

            Not that you're weak.  You will never be that.  You've picked me up, dusted me off, and put me back together just as many times, if not more, as I've had to do it for you.  That, as well as your age, probably is why I tend to think of you more as a friend and a brother than as a master.

            You are within a mile now, almost at the tunnels leading to this hidden building.  No, never weak.  Yoda made sure of that; he made sure you would know everything you would ever need to know that could be taught to you.  You were to take his place on the Council when he died, you know. 

            Oh, Obi-Wan, surely your insecurities haven't blinded you to the fact that you are a child of light!  I know the prophecy; I found it along side the ones about the Chosen One.  A child of light is pure, powerful, and beautiful inside.  A child of light is strong in the Unifying Force, seeing things to come centuries before they would happen, yet knows and uses the Living Force to be constantly aware of their surroundings.  A child of light always leads the Jedi; he or she sit at the head the Council in times of peace and keep hope, and thus light, alive in times of darkness.

            A lamp in the darkness.  I part of me hopes your light will lead me out of my darkness.  It is a foolish hope, however.  A part of me still wishes for what could have been; is still capable of loving you and Padme, but I have long since passed the point of no return.  You don't believe it; you feel that as long as there is a struggle inside of me that I can be turned back.  Otherwise, you would never have come here, to this forsaken place buried into the side of a semi-dormant volcano.  You still hope for the best but, then, that is your nature.

            This whole elaborate set-up is a trap, you know.  This duel will end only if you turn or if you die.  Sidious is letting me face you in hopes of turning you.  He would take great pride in turning such a beautiful child of light to darkness.  He wants to mold you and your powers.  I simply want to stand by your side as I have for years.  I am frightened and alone.  You always picked me up when I felt like this.  You were always there.  You're not now and it is my fault. 

            Oh, Obi-Wan, I fear for you.  A part of me needs to know that you will never turn.  You are my soul and should always remain a part of the light but if you don't turn, you will be destroyed.  Even if I can't bring myself to destroy you, you will leave.  Either way, if you remain in the light I lose you; I lose my soul.

            Obi-Wan, my friend, my brother, my soul, to lose you would be unbearable.  Padme already has my heart and I have lost her; my heart is gone from me now.  I have lost my heart; I cannot bear to lose my soul as well.

            Padme.  You've hidden her well.  I've heard rumors, tabloid level stuff that claim she's living in Otah Gunga on Naboo, in the deepest levels of Coruscant, and even on Alderaan carrying Bail Organa's love child.  They aren't true; you taught me better than to put faith in rumors.  The last one is the most ridiculous.  Sure, she and Bail got along, but she can't be pregnant.  She and Bail don't feel that way about one another; I can feel it.  The only other way is if it is mine.  It isn't.  She isn't pregnant.  I remember the times I spent in bliss with her.  Our coupling was like heaven and she was an angel, but we only did it once and that surely wasn't enough to result in pregnancy.  No, she isn't pregnant.

            Don't worry, I won't look for her.  She is my heart, but it would hurt her so much to see me like this.  It would break her heart, and break mine in the process.  No, I will not look for her and if I find her on accident, I will not go to her.  She is lost to me now.

            I have lost my heart through my own foolishness.  I will be damned if I lose my soul as well.  I will not fail.  You will turn, Obi-Wan, and I will keep my soul.

So what did you think?