Disclaimer: I do not own the original canon nor am I making any profit from writing this piece. All works are accredited to their original authors, performers, and producers while this piece is mine. No copyright infringement is intended. I acknowledge that all views and opinions expressed herein are merely my interpretations of the characters and situations found within the original canon and may not reflect the views and opinions of the original author(s), producer(s), and/or other people.
Warnings: This story may contain material that is not suitable for all audiences and may offend some readers. Please utilize understanding of personal sensitivities before and while reading.
Author's Note: That romance challenge has rare ships as an acceptable entry. So I'm using it as an excuse to create sad IronAgent content.
Challenge Information:
Day/Fic: 02
Representation(s): Rare Ship (IronAgent)
Word Count: 1172 (Story Only); 1191 (Story & Epigraph)
-= LP =-
Somehow
-= LP =-
"Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life." – Anne Roiphe
-= LP =-
Somehow Tony managed to not fall apart as Fury spoke the words over the comms.
Somehow Tony managed to hold himself together when Fury tossed the cards, bloodied and ruined, on the table.
He retreated to the holding cell to stare at what had to be the spot. His mind spun in circles, stalled but not stilled, utterly unable to process the loss of Phil Coulson. It had always been a possibility that one of them would die. It was a risk when one was fighting that one would fall.
But fucking hell, Tony had always thought it would be him, not Phil, especially after Afghanistan.
His Agent was supposed to be invincible.
Somehow Tony managed not to kill Steve Rogers for suggesting that Phil was just an easily replaceable soldier, that his death meant the same as the death of all the other agents lost in the conflict so far.
Somehow Tony managed to not drop Clint Barton from the height of a skyscraper for his part in it.
Somehow Tony managed to not choke on his words to Rhodey, both to ask for help as Phil would have wanted him to and to accept that there was no help to come because Rhodey was too far away to provide support.
Taking the missile through the wormhole was a surprisingly easy decision to make. Surviving was less important at that moment than good, old-fashioned revenge. Watching the ships explode didn't provide any sort of catharsis, but by the god he didn't believe in, Tony hoped that he didn't emerge from the darkness swallowing him.
So, of course, Tony did survive close proximity to a nuclear detonation, and the fall.
Because clearly, Tony Stark still had to pay for the sin of his existence and his crimes against the collective good of humanity.
It just hurt so much.
Rhodey took one look at the group gathered at the table, and Tony could see the moment he noted the absence of a certain SHIELD handler. His platypus was a better man than most and didn't ask, not then, not in front people who maybe-probably-certainly wouldn't understand. Favorite assets or not, Romanoff and Barton hadn't been brought in on that secret. They weren't friends, not like Melinda was—and the flash of pain hurt anew because Tony realized that someone had to tell the specialist that Phil had been killed in action. He already knew that it would have to be him and that he couldn't wait because she deserved to hear it from someone who would care about the messy grossness that was feelings.
Banner must have noticed that something was amiss because he didn't protest being shuffled back to the Tower by Rhodey and Tony. Thor followed, silently watchful. Tony was uncomfortable with the watchfulness, wary of what the alien prince was possibly seeing, but he was grateful for the silence. He didn't have the energy to fill it or maybe it was just that he didn't have the breath to voice his standard inane spiels. It certainly felt like he had something trapped in his throat, choking him.
Tony was doubly grateful when Romanoff took both Rogers and Barton back to the local SHIELD base. Tony knew that Phil would have wanted the team to come together and barring that, for Tony to get along with the living comic book hero he had always admired. Taking the scattered pieces of Earth's Mightiest Heroes and giving them a home would be a fitting tribute to greatness that was Phil Coulson, and a far better one than anything else Tony could do.
Rogers' off-the-mark attempt at sympathy still stung too much, a relatively small hurt amidst the resounding ache of loss but more focused because it had been about his Agent and because Rogers, for better or worse, was Captain America. Not only had Phil been a fan of the man, but Tony had a leftover library of issues from his father's obsession with the so-called Sentinel of Liberty. Given a bit of time, Tony was certain he would be able to carry on the good fight at the man's side, as Phil had wanted, but right then, at that moment, all Tony wanted to do was follow the greatest man he had ever known into the Great Night.
Somehow Tony managed to make it through getting his guests situated in rooms of their own without any unexpected waterworks.
Somehow Tony managed crawl into his (now too empty) bed and actually sleep. If that sleep came after an exhausting round of tears, then no one but JARVIS would know. Tony tried not to think too hard about who was supposed to be there and now wasn't.
Somehow Tony managed to wake up the next day. He even managed to find the will to leave the (far too cold) bed and go through the motions of grooming and dressing. If he matched his outfit to what had always made him feel as armored as when he was in the suit, then no one was around to know, were they?
Somehow Tony managed to not break down again at that thought and the return to aloneness it entailed.
Telling Melinda was surprisingly easy. If anyone appreciated the need for genuine numbness in the face of grief, it was Melinda May. SHIELD specialists were set even further apart than field assets, and that ability to disassociate from turmoil was, like, at least twelve percent of what made up the difference between the two types of agents. Assets could break; Specialists would continue the mission unless forcefully removed. They had faced each other for a long moment, letting the knowledge of Phil Coulson's death fill the space between them, both knowing that this would most likely be their last excuse to see each other in person.
Without Phil, Melinda truly had no incentive to return to the field, and letting Tony Stark into the records department was too much of a security risk to do without reason. Tony shouldn't even had gotten into that department this time. SHIELD hadn't wanted Tony involved with the Avengers, had never really wanted him involved at all. Fury had been clear from the start that his only interest in Tony at all had been bringing him to heel. It had been Agent who had advocated Tony's worthiness, had championed his ability to actually 'play well with others'. It was only a matter of time before all the pieces that Phil had determinedly held together fell apart again.
It would not be breaking because that had happened long before Phil and Tony had met. Tony had functioned once without Phil's care and love. He had managed to have a life and to take a large, multimillion dollar company into an even larger multibillion dollar company. He had revolutionized the world even as he had built himself up from the wreckage of his childhood. He could do it again.
He could survive losing the man he loved. He would survive this.
Somehow.
-= LP =-
An Ending
-= LP =-