A/N: Can I start by saying that I don't ship Snily. Just to clear that up. But I haven't seen my (ex) best friend in over two months and it's the worst thing in the world when you lose someone you're close to so I wanted to explore the whole 'falling apart' of their relationship.
This has been in the pipeline for at least four months but I really didn't like it because Snape was kind of turning out to be a wet blanket who looked shocked or confused instead of saying anything because I was super scared of characterising him wrong. Also I was trying to put too much James/Lily into it which didn't work.
So here is my revised and abridged fic. I tried to view him as a real person, someone who was worthy of Lily's - platonic - love and not just a complete douchecurtain so I did what any self-respecting author would do and drew on my own experiences of omg!boys.
But jeez I swear my sister is telepathic or something - I was sitting writing this and she comes up to me, tilts her head and smiles, "Are you writing Harry Potter?" She's four.
Warnings: strong language. If you think the rating needs to go up, I'll put it up.
Disclaimer: To be honest, if I was Jo I'd have let someone take Snape off my hands by now. Inspired by Exit Wounds by The Script and The Story of Us by Taylor Swift (I've nicked a line of the lyrics: I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how/I've never heard silence quite this loud).
Birds
or
With a Stranger, With You
To him, it seemed, in all honesty, quite appropriate that they should have met on April Fool's Day. Because - in the end - that's all he was: a fool who fell for lost love.
.
10th May, 1974
- the courtyard, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry -
.
"Ooh!"
"Lily Snape, Lily Snape!
"Shut it, Potter."
"When you get married, are you gonna make Snivelly wash his hair?"
"Shut -"
"I would, definitely."
"Padfoot, is there something you want to tell me?"
"I'm not saying I want to marry him, mate. Just - if I did, I would."
"If you two are quite done?"
Cheerfully: "Nope."
"Come on, Sev."
.
17th May, 1974
- Charms classroom, Hogwarts -
.
"Lily and Snivellus, sitting in a tree -"
"Remember: the Cheering Charm requires not only extreme care-"
"K-I-S-S-I-N-G -"
"Potter -!"
"First comes love -"
"- but also exact and precise wand movements -"
"Then comes marriage -"
"- as it is very easy to create delirious laughter by over flicking the wrist -"
"Then comes the baby in the -"
"Potter, I am this close to shoving your wand up your arse."
"- which can mean that the recipient might need -"
"Is that what you do with Snape?"
"POTTER!"
"- a Calming Charm to be - er, Miss Evans, Mr Potter, dare I ask?"
.
21st May, 1974
- Divination tower, Hogwarts -
.
"Lily, d'you mind if I borrow your Herbology notes? No offence, lads, but you lot are absolute rubbish and I was wondering-"
"What Moony really wants to ask, Evans, is whether you let Snivellus whomp your willow."
"Black, do you want children?"
"With you? Thanks, but no thanks."
"...Padfoot?"
"Yes, Moony?"
"I think you should shut up now."
"Thank you, Remus."
.
1st September, 1975
- The Hogwarts Express, North Yorkshire -
.
"Hullo, Sev!"
Lily slid into the compartment and greeted him with a quick hug. She smiled at him, opening her bag and taking out a tub of snacks for the journey - Muggle sweets from their shared childhood: liquorice allsorts, dolly mixtures and sherbet fountains; Spangles, Werther's Originals and Fox's Glacier mints; Marathon bars, milky bars, Daim bars and some good old Cadbury's caramel.
He peered at her as she opened a packet of Opal fruits and offered him one. "Where have you been?"
Lily began to chew and frowned. "I had to go to the Prefect meeting in a different carriage. I thought I'd told you."
He waved her explanation away. "I meant all summer. I've hardly seen you."
She bit her lip. "Oh." Nerves bubbled up in her stomach: she wasn't sure how he would react at her – pitiful, selfish, she now realised – reason for not having made more time for her friend.
"Sorry, Sev. I've just - you know - been - around." She flushed red. "With my family and stuff. Not like that."
"I called by your house, Lily."
She blushed again, more fiercely this time. "I've been with...with someone. Will. Our mums are close, you know? We go back ages. He's my friend."
He stopped. "We're friends, aren't we?"
"Well, yes, obviously, but..." Now the girl stopped too. "You don't mean - you don't - do you?"
His eyes roamed over her. "No, no. I was just asking."
There was a pause.
"I'm sorry I haven't seen more of you, Sev, really. I've just been doing other things." She reached for a Marathon bar and tossed it to him. "But we're back at Hogwarts now, yeah?"
He caught it, but placed it on the seat next to him, where it remained untouched. "Yeah."
"Oh, come on. You're not gonna let me eat this lot by myself, are you? My mum made me promise to share half - nay, all - with you, because you know what she's like. 'Oh, Lily, you don't need any sweets. Our Sev - he's the one who needs more meat on his bones.' "
Severus smiled at her. "Hm, you don't really need them, do you?"
"...Are you saying I'm fat?"
"Not at all."
"You are!"
Lily grinned at him, though, and he knew she knew he was teasing.
.
30th January, 1976
- the Great Hall, Hogwarts -
.
"Lily."
He looked uncomfortable, and no wonder. It wasn't rare exactly for students to cross House tables, but he was a Slytherin, and she a Gryffindor, which was practically unheard of. Still, he carried on toward her and put up a show of being unperturbed despite the strange looks he was getting.
"Happy birthday."
She turned around to face him, a smile splitting her face.
"Thanks, Sev. You remembered!"
Neither felt like mentioning that it was ridiculous that he wouldn't remember, but things had been rocky between the friends since Lily had been back from Christmas break. She suspected it was to do with the amount of time he was spending with his Housemates - two and a half solid weeks of Pureblood propaganda, he'd had - but she trusted him to bring it up if he wanted to talk and wasn't about to pick a battle and sacrifice the temporary truce they'd created.
"Course I did," he mumbled, and opened his mouth to speak again when that twat Potter barged in.
"It's your birthday? Why didn't you say?"
Black laughed. "Ditch Snivellus and go and see Prongs later, Evans - he'll give you a proper present."
Marlene, who was sitting next to Lily and heard the remark, tutted (and then repeated it to Mary, who also tutted) and the redhead rolled her eyes. Severus shuffled and said, "Are you doing anything?"
"Oh, Snivelly's asking Evans on a date!"
"That's right, isn't it, Sev?"
The tension in the air between the teenagers that accompanied the arrival of the Slytherins was tangible. Mulciber joined Severus and clapped him on the back, flanked by Rosier and Avery. "You're going to take your little Mudblood fancy out for a damn good -"
He didn't get much further than that. Lily rose from the bench, whirled to face him and slapped him hard across the cheek, leaving a red welt on his face.
"Miss Evans!"
Black let out a low whistle.
McGonagall's voice rang out across the hall and Lily flushed. Potter, who had an unusually furious expression on his face, jumped in to defend her.
"Come on, Professor, he just called her a - a - because she's Muggleborn! And it's her birthday! And he's a Slytherin git who, quite frankly, deserved it -"
"Shut up, Potter!"
"I'll have less of your house prejudices, Mr Potter, or it'll be points docked from Gryffindor." She pulled herself up to her full height, lips in a tight line. "I suggest you take Miss Evans' advice and hold your tongue."
She looked at Lily. "My office. Now."
Mulciber smirked at her, his friends mouthing 'Mudblood' at Potter in an attempt to rile him when McGonagall snapped, "Both of you! Now!"
.
3rd August, 1976
- Lily's house –
.
Severus took a deep breath and rapped on the door of number 31. He heard her call "Just a minute!" from inside and waited on the doorstep, switching his weight from one foot to the other.
Lily opened the door. She wore a plain checked dress and a look of complete surprise.
"Sev! I mean –" she stopped. "Severus. What are you doing here?"
He licked his lips anxiously. "I wanted to apologise. Again. I know you said that we weren't on the same path and all that, but I want to fix things. I want –"
"You should have thought about that before, shouldn't you?" she asked acidly, trying to shut the door on him. He held up a hand and forced it back.
"Please? Can I come in?"
Lily sighed. "Fine. Five minutes."
She stepped back and allowed him over the threshold. He walked into the front room (he'd sat there watching Top of the Pops between the two sisters, once) and looked around.
"Where's your mum and dad?" Severus asked.
Her face hardened. "I thought you wanted to talk about –" Lily faltered. "Before."
"Is everything alright?"
Lily shut the front door and joined him in the living room. "Sev, just drop it!" She buried her face in her hands and he thought she might be crying, but Lily drew herself up and breathed deeply. "My dad, he's – he's in hospital. My mum's there now, and I'm supposed to be walking over later. He – it's terminal."
Her voice broke on the last word.
"Lily, I'm sorry."
She glanced up at him. "About my dad, or about calling me a – a Mudblood?"
Severus winced. "Both. Both, of course. I'm sorry."
Lily gestured for them to sit on the sofa. She was quiet for a long time.
"If there's one thing my dad being ill has taught me," she said slowly, "it's that life isn't fucking fair. And also you have to make the most of things. I don't know how many days he has left, alright? And if we can fix this, then I think I want to. I don't want to lose you too."
She said it haltingly, and he got the feeling that she was saying it for his benefit. Her heart wasn't in her words.
"Good," Sev said, nonetheless, and he squeezed her fingers briefly.
She flinched.
.
22nd September, 1976
- Transfiguration corridor, Hogwarts -
.
"- and he told us to stir it clockwise five times, but I decided that I might do it four: that would still give the Murtlap essence time to mix but it would counteract the effect of the -"
Lily was a little tired of it, to be quite honest. He'd been complaining about their latest Potions class all the way to Herbology, and if there was one thing that she didn't care about, it was Severus' most recent grade.
"Sev!" she snapped, cutting short his tirade about Professor Slughorn.
"What?"
"Can't we talk about something else?"
He agreed and broached a new topic, walking briskly to their next lesson, but mere moments later she found the conversational trajectory approaching Potions again. Finally, she couldn't take it any longer and came to an abrupt halt, bringing her hands up and rubbing her face. "My Dad is dead, Severus," she informed him tiredly, "and you really expect me to give a fuck that you only got an E on your essay? I don't care."
He stopped, shocked. He felt a sudden loss that he was sure he wouldn't have had he heard that Tobias had suffered the same, and turned back to the girl to offer his condolences when Avery and Mulciber joined them. Severus sent them a look but they returned the withering stare.
"What's that, Evans? Your pig of a father finally croaked? Shame," Avery jeered, knowing it would hurt Severus to cut Lily.
"You better watch your step, Mudblood." Mulciber stepped closer to her, adopting a threatening stance. "We don't want you going the same way as your filthy Muggle fath -"
Simultaneously there was silence and a loud bang; Mulciber grabbed his throat mutely and Avery reared back, the flash of light blinding him. Lily whirled around, seeking the source of the other hex, and saw a stony-faced Potter advancing towards the two Slytherins, tailed by Remus, Black and Pettigrew. Her fellow Prefect pulled the others along to the lesson but Potter – the obnoxious, obtuse arse that he was – remained behind.
"Very gallant of you, Potter" she began, "but I really-"
Snape had frozen at the sight of the Marauders, hand twitching towards his wand. "Lily –" he began, but she cut him off.
"They deserved it," she muttered mutinously, something snapping inside her. Their eyes met. "Sev, I told you. I don't care anymore. I just -" Her voice broke. "I don't."
"Lily, they didn't mean anything by it. They were just –"
Incredulous: "You're actually defending them?"
"Of course not, but I –"
She held up a hand and stopped him. "Go, then. See if I give a damn, Severus." He stayed where he was, watching her. The Silencing Charm she'd hexed the Slytherin twat with had started to wear off and she shook her head, memories of grazed knees and Pooh sticks on the river flooding her brain.
Lily stalked off to Transfiguration, leaving Severus with his angry housemates. Potter followed, calling her name.
.
2nd November, 1977
- the Three Broomsticks pub, Hogsmeade Village -
.
"You're really doing it then?" He dropped into the empty seat opposite her.
"What?" she asked acidly.
"Going out with him. Letting him be with you. Letting him touch you."
Lily rolled her eyes.
"I really don't think you're in a position to lecture me about whose company I spend my time in, Severus."
"You used to hate him."
"People change. You did. James has grown up, and I like him. He likes me too, and he respects me, and he stands up for me, Sev. I'm happy. And if you really want to deny me that, our friendship obviously didn't mean as much to you as it did to me."
Now it was Severus' turn to roll his eyes.
"You're not happy, Lily. You're fooling yourself. You'll see."
He got up and walked away from her, looking up only to see the door bang and Lily greet him with a grin.
He had to make her see. Because, if he was going to be a fool in love, he was determined that she would be, too.
.
17th January, 1978
- outside the Gryffindor tower, Hogwarts -
.
She was making her way back to the Common Room and she'd nearly reached the Fat Lady when she heard it, a soft voice; cold, controlled; it carried constrained emotion.
"Lily."
The girl in question took a deep breath and answered him wearily. She was tired of the game, the pretence.
"What?"
"Lily, I…"
"What is it, Severus? What do you want?"
Snape looked at her and tried to formulate the words. "Why are you still doing this?"
"Why am I still doing what?" she asked, exasperated.
He gestured helplessly between them, trying to make her see that they could – they could fix this, if only she stopped cavorting about with that bastard and listened to him, Sev, her best friend – but she let out a breath of mirthless laughter. "Us?" she questioned. Then, more acidly: "You mean, why am I not wasting my time making myself miserable in the bland hope of ever picking up some of the pieces of our…what, our friendship?"
His black eyes swept her form and found a portrait over her head that was avidly watching the scene unfold. Snape gave it a rude gesture and heard more voices around them tut. He rolled his eyes.
Lily sighed. "Face it, Sev. We haven't been friends - I mean, properly friends - in months. Years, even."
He tried to keep his face unreadable, a mask, but inside something was growing. A sense of – loss? Desperation? She was standing right in front of him but the distance between them was unbridgeable and she was slipping further and further away. His mind whirred over the past year: their fallout when she broke the news to him that her father had died; their reconciliation that had lasted exactly three days, two hours and a Potions lesson (not that he kept count) and the many, many, too fucking many times he'd seen her in his company since she'd stopped spending time with the one she'd said was her best friend.
He realised then that that was what this came down to.
"What do you see in him?"
The witch shook her head. Emotions flashed over her face and were gone; it hardened and there was something different in her eyes.
"It's less of what I see in him and rather that he sees me as more than just a Mudblood."
He blinked, just as she did when he threw the forbidden word at her in a storm of humiliation, and snapped coolly, "Wonderful basis for a relationship, there then."
She glared at him (he's sure he heard the bloody Fat Lady mutter something derogatory) and added, "Because he makes me laugh."
Severus scoffed, derision etched in every feature of his face. "Excellent."
"Because," Lily continued, ignoring him, "he makes me tea at breakfast and catches my eye just to tell me I'm beautiful and he smiles at me and lets me cry without pushing me to say what's wrong and gives me flowers for no apparent reason. He cares about me and respects me and challenges my opinions and isn't afraid to say what he feels. He makes me think about things in a different way. He confides in me and confuses me and makes me angry as hell sometimes. And when he looks at me, it's like I'm the only thing that matters in his whole world."
She knew her face was burning at admitting the details of their relationship to the one person she was sure in the world hated the boy, but at the same time, she found it actually almost liberating to express how she felt when for so long now she and Severus had been skirting around the issues between them. "He makes me happy, Sev. I told you."
"You used to hate him."
"You already used that one."
"But you did! I don't understand, Lily. I don't know why –" Snape broke off, breathing heavily. He had to make her see. He had to –
"What do you want me to say?" she asked frustratedly.
There was a pause, in which the green eyes frequently flickered to black but he was staring intently at the stupid portraits again.
When Lily spoke again, her voice was thick with emotion. "I'd tell you I miss you, Sev, but I don't know how because I've never heard a silence that's – that's quite this loud."
He frowned.
Lily took another breath and opened her mouth, but fear closed it. She was scared, scared to say what she was about to say, because it really meant the end – The End of Sev and Lily, not just the other break ups they'd survived over the years – but everything between them had already fallen apart so she pushed down her fear and continued.
"Severus, you were my best friend, and the little boy that told me about a magical place called Hogwarts, the little boy my Mum used to dote on and call 'Our Sev', that little boy will always have a place in my heart. But people grow up and - you aren't that kid anymore."
The birds that she'd kept locked away inside her ever since that day by the lake were being freed.
"You can't live a life in the present by looking back to the past, it doesn't work like that, and I can't do this -" (their twisted, deranged, train-wreck of a relationship) "anymore. I can't. I don't like the person you've become, Severus, and -"
Flying away.
"I - I don't want to be friends with you."
What she said was startlingly true, but, as often happens, it took the thoughts being vocalised for them to be realised.
He took a small step back, wounded by her words, wounded by the realisation that nothing would be the same between them again (the anger, furious, violent anger would come later) and seemed to become smaller, but Lily felt empowered by the confession. However, she began to say, "I'm sorry," because social standards of politeness dictated that she must apologise in case any offense had been caused. She broke off, though, finding that she was not, in fact, sorry, and didn't want a decade of secrets and stories and laughter and tears to end on a lie. Instead, she went for a different marker:
"I hope you're happy, Severus."
She offered him a small smile, her parting gift, and turned away from him, slipping through his fingers like sand.
"Lily!"
She kept walking, proposing c'est la vie to the Fat Lady, and stepped smartly into the Gryffindor common room. The portrait swung shut behind her.
.
21st July, 1978
- the Entrance Hall, Hogwarts -
.
She reached for his hand as she was talking to Marlene. Not a possessive gesture: she knew the blonde didn't want James; no, it was more of a reassurance to herself that he was still there.
Snape noticed her clutching onto him like the pathetic love-struck fool she was. Snape watched him, too; saw him sense that eyes were on him (he always had a talent for that). James looked over, raised an eyebrow as if to say, "You looking at me?" and tugged Lily to his chest before kissing her, a hand running up her back. They broke apart a moment later, both a little breathless, Lily prettily flushed. James glanced back at the other black-haired boy, whispered something in his girlfriend's ear which made her giggle and the two of them walked off.
Snape looked away.
.
21st July, 1978
- Platform 9 and ¾, Kings Cross -
.
He was watching her as they disembarked from the train. After their first year, it had been the two of them hand in hand running towards her parents. Now her fingers were entwined with his, and she only let go to collide into a hug with her mother. He watched as Lily introduced James and saw all their smiles.
When she turned back to hug Marlene, he noticed it: there was something different about her since he'd seen her saying goodbye to the professors at Hogwarts, and it twisted his gut. The same knee-highs and shorts and shirt and ponytail…no, that was it. The shirt was different. Bitterness rose up within him; Snape realised that she was wearing James' top. The Head Boy – not now though, was he, the pompous prat; things like that didn't matter in the Real World – saw Snape staring at his girlfriend and his face hardened, but he saw the realisation flash across the Slytherin's face and smirked.
Snape's hand twitched towards his wand (what he wouldn't give to hex that stupid smirk off the stupid bugger's face) but he forced himself to look away and greet his mother.
Sev promised himself something, though: that Potter would never be forgiven for corrupting Lily.
.
6th August, 1978
- Lily's house -
.
She and James were lying on the sofa when Lily heard the scrunch of gravel when her Mum's car pulled up outside. Opening the door, they went out to give her a hand with the shopping that she was unloading from the boot, Lily shoving the heaviest bags in James' direction and giggling at his expression. As they put it away in the kitchen, Lily asked if the shops were busy.
"Not really. I saw Trina, though, and she said Will was doing well. He's got a job at the garage."
Lily made a sound of surprise, and explained who the people in question were to James, while her Mum continued.
"And I - I saw Eileen at the butchers."
James looked at his girlfriend questioningly; she suddenly stopped her movements and the tins of tomatoes she had been stacking slipped a little. There was a crash.
"Really?" she got out. It was a little strangled. Clearing her throat, she asked, "What did she say?"
"Nothing much, as usual. I think things are bad between her and Tobias."
"Same old," Lily muttered, straightening the tins.
"Quite. I think she's pleased that Sev's home for the summer though."
"Sev?" James exclaimed.
Sal turned to him from the fridge door. "You know Severus? Yes, I suppose you do," she laughed, "what with you all going to school together. I forget." She paused, and looked at her daughter awhile. "Lily, I know you aren't friends anymore, love, and I won't say anything else on the matter, but -"
"No, Mum."
"I'm sure whatever's happened between you -"
"You don't understand."
"It'll all be water under the bridge in a few years -"
"No, Mum. Leave it."
There was something in her tone that told the older woman to stop pestering.
.
5th November, 1978
- Hyde Park, London -
.
There was a whole crowd of witches and wizards gathered there. Lily had never been – bonfire night fireworks were always something she went to see with her Dad – but James assured her that wizarding London put on an amazing show to celebrate the occasion, and hadn't she paid enough attention in History of Magic to know that Guy Fawkes was really under the Imperius Curse?
Children were running around wrapped in scarves and hats. The smell of toffee apples and the crackling of burning wood filled the air. Suddenly a wave of silence washed over the crowd as a wizard announced that the first fireworks were ready to be lit and there was a collective breath and –
A flash of green light brightened the night sky. More lights – spell jets of all colours – provided substitutes for the fireworks. At first, there was confusion. The children ooh -ed and aah-ed on cue, and then there was a scream as the younger ones were silenced.
The members of the Order that were present – Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marlene and Benjy – raced to see where the commotion was coming from, wands emerging from cloaks everywhere. This was what they had been training for, and a small voice awkwardly told them that this was what they had been waiting for.
As they rushed forward, someone sent a Patronus call to Moody for back-up when they saw the scene in front of them. Hooded figures out-numbered them at least three to one.
They all dived forward regardless, and soon the night was filled only with the sounds of curses and hexes being hurled and the occasional scream. Some of the Death Eaters' masks littered the ground, remnants of a celebration gone wrong.
They fought on into the darkness. The bonfire provided a sinister flickering light to the battle.
Crack!
Lily sighed in relief; their reinforcements were here. Slowly they fought the Death Eaters back and as they Apparated away, she caught a glimpse of a dark head of hair and a hooked nose aiming a curse directly at James…
She felt like spitting fire she was so furious. Screaming and stamping her foot in frustration, she turned on the spot and Apparated away from the battle scene. With a crack she arrived at her Mum's house and hammered on the door.
She swept past a bewildered Sally Evans up to her old room and flung the cupboard door open, digging out her photo albums. She flicked angrily through the pages until she came to the photo of her and Sev down by the river, sitting on the picnic blanket. Lily stashed it in her pocket and packed everything away, slightly calmer now she had a plan. A way to get back at him.
Lily was confident that although he was Snape, Death Eater, there was still enough of Our Sev left in him for it to hurt.
As he got back to the house in Spinner's End where he'd been living with his Eileen since his lousy, useless father had passed, he spotted something lying on the doormat and picked it up; the photo was torn in two, the jagged edge of the paper splitting the two smiling children apart.
Lily was right.
.
2nd May, 1998
- the Shrieking Shack, Hogsmeade -
.
To him, it seemed, in all honesty, quite appropriate that they should have met on April Fool's Day. Because - in the end - that's all he was: a fool who fell for lost love; fell like countless others before him, and like countless others would do long after he was little more than a name trapped in a forgotten time, fading in the history books.
Reviews are good second days at college. I don't really mind what you put - flames, if you must - but something would be nice. I'd love to hear what you thought.