A/N: The inspiration for this story came from browsing fanfiction on this site. One constant seems to be the desire to ship Hermione with anyone and everyone, and I've read many unconventional ships done very well, and I don't really have a strong preference for one over another. I thought this might be the perfect opportunity to bring together two of my guilty pleasures, fanfiction and The Bachelor franchise!
I honestly do not have a specific pairing in mind for the end. I'm going to let Hermione do her thing while trying to incorporate as much Bachelor-style drama as I can, with a wizard twist. In order for the story to work, the characters we know and love can't know each other well. I'm imagining an AU where everything is much more chill in the wizard world, and there are multiple wizard schools for the same country. Harry and Voldemort still exist, but Voldemort didn't make his comeback while Harry was in school.
I'm open to suggestions for pairings, dates, etc. Tell me who you like and don't like. And don't take it too seriously. It's supposed to be ridiculous.
Hermione Granger sat between her friends Luna Lovegood and Cho Diggory on the couch, sipping mimosas. Luna flicked her wand, and a strawberry took a bath in the chocolate fondue pot. An ad for the newest cleaning potion played on the screen.
"And now, the dramatic conclusion of this season of The Bachelor!" the announcer boomed. Cho squealed.
"He picks the blonde," Hermione sighed. "Nothing dramatic there."
Gilderoy Lockhart's smile flashed on the screen. He stood on an amazing tropical beach, wearing a white tux. "So, there you have it, Bachelor Nation. Our bachelor Bill has sent Katie home in a heartbreaking goodbye."
"And what's wrong with picking the blonde?" Luna teased, chocolate dripping down her chin.
"You know what I mean," said Hermione. "Fleur is..."
"I think she's adorable," Cho defended, "and they're adorable together. You're always such a cynic, Hermione."
"I just think, and I said this from day one, it's unfair to have a half-Veela on this show," Hermione said.
"Shhh!" Luna scolded. "He's proposing!"
Bachelor Bill Weasley was down on one knee, and Fleur had burst into tears. "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" she was crying, and Bill swept her off her feet, and they kissed.
"Awwww," Cho melted.
"Are you crying?" Hermione scolded.
"Is your heart made of stone?" Cho shot back.
"The only reason anyone goes on this show is because they get paid," Hermione said. "I doubt that hundreds of women were that hot for a ginger. It's all fake, all an act."
"Okay, Hermione," said Cho, "so are you saying you wouldn't want to be the Bachelorette?"
"Ugh, of course not," said Hermione.
"I'd be down for kissing handsome men," said Luna. "I don't care if they're getting paid to do it."
The girls all burst into laughter. On the screen, Bill and Fleur got into the pegasus-drawn carriage, and they flew off into the sunset. Rose petals fell across the scene, transitioning to the announcement "We're looking for our next Bachelorette! To apply or to nominate someone, send a picture and a bio to the address on the screen!"
"Well, I have to break the seal," said Hermione, getting up.
When she was safely out of earshot, Cho turned to Luna and whispered, "Let's nominate Hermione!"
"Oh, no," said Luna. "She'd kill us!"
"She wouldn't have to know!" Cho said.
"But if she found out...if she got picked!" Luna said.
The toilet flushed. "I'm doing it," Cho said.
Hermione re-entered the living room, cradling her cat Crookshanks in her arms. "You guys got quiet."
Cho and Luna shot each other sidelong glances and giggled.
Hermione sat in her office and sighed. She was running out of paperwork, so she clicked over to the cat rescue site tab open on her computer. "Awww...," she said, scrolling through the newest editions. She saw the shorthair tortoiseshell was still there from last week.
"Oh, what the hell," she thought. "I'm getting her."
She reached for the phone, but it started ringing. She picked it up.
"Ministry of Magic, Law Enforcement," she said.
"Hello," said a voice that sounded eerily familiar. "I'm looking for a Miss Hermione Granger."
"This is she," Hermione answered tentatively.
"Hello, Miss Granger. It's such a pleasure to meet you. I'm Gilderoy Lockhart from MBBC's The Bachelorette."
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Hermione said, wondering which of her co-workers was playing a prank on her. She flicked her wand to activate the call tracer. A window popped up on her computer screen with Gilderoy Lockhart's face and the text, "This call is coming from the Magical British Broadcasting Corporation headquarters in London, England. You are speaking to Gilderoy Lockhart." "Bollocks!" she cursed involuntarily, still imagining this was an elaborate ruse.
"Well, nice to meet you too," said Lockhart. "You must be surprised. Miss Granger, your friends Cho Diggory and Luna Lovegood nominated you to be our next Bachelorette, and..."
"They did WHAT?!" she shrieked.
"I know, isn't it exciting?" Lockhart said. "They had only the best things to say about you, Hermione, and your photograph is just stunning! Our casting team would really like to meet you!"
"No," she said suddenly. "Sorry, I've gotta go."
"But Miss Granger!"
She hung up the phone. "Of all the nerve!" she exclaimed. She picked up the picture of Cho and Cedric on their wedding day. "This was your idea, wasn't it?" she scolded the picture. She picked up the phone and dialed Luna.
"Hermione?" Luna answered. "Can I call you back?"
This was a normal response for Luna, who was always engaged in something bizarre. "You nominated me for the Bachelorette?!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Ohhhh, that," said Luna. "Yeah, I told Cho you wouldn't want it, but she insisted. But hey, I really need to call you back. I'm on a date."
"A date? With whom?" Hermione asked.
"Someone I just met at the Ghost Convention," Luna answered.
"Someone you just met...he's alive right?" Hermione asked with a laugh. Luna didn't answer right away. "Luna?"
"Yes, she's alive," said Luna with an awkward laugh. "Did you get a casting call?"
"Yes!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Oh, how wonderful! You must tell me how it goes. Talk to you later!" She hung up.
Hermione leaned back so hard in her chair that it nearly tipped over. The phone rang again, and she recognized Lockhart's number. She ignored it and turned back to the cat rescue site. "Ghost Convention," Hermione scoffed. "Luna's always hooking up with weirdos at those things." She looked at the patronizing smile of Cho and Cedric, and she flipped the picture over. "And I'm going to get this cat. Yes, that's what I'm going to do." The phone kept ringing. "All I need...is this cat..." The phone kept ringing. She picked it up. "WHAT?!"
"Sorry there, Miss Granger," said Lockhart. "It seems we got disconnected there."
"We didn't..." She looked back at the cat.
"I'm authorizing you to come to our office through the Floo Network. What time could you be here?" Lockhart asked.
"I'm..." She looked at the sad lack of paperwork on her desk, and thought about the tub of cookie dough at home. "I'm so sorry we got disconnected," said Hermione. "I could be there in about two hours."
"Great!" Lockhart said. "We're looking forward to it."
"Me too," she said shakily, wondering what the heck she was saying and why she was saying it.
"Cho...," Hermione said into the phone. She was staring at her wardrobe at a loss. "I need help."
"Sure, what's up?" Cho answered.
"I need a nice dress," said Hermione. "I think."
"You think you need a nice dress," Cho repeated.
"Gilderoy Lockhart called me and I have an interview in an hour and I have nothing to wear!" Hermione spat out quickly.
"WHAAAT?!" Cho screeched.
"Can you bring me a little black dress?" Hermione asked, her voice tiny in comparison to Cho's freak-out voice.
"Why the hell...an hour?!"
"It was an impulse decision, okay!"
"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh, okay, okay, I have one, except it's gonna be too small around the boobs for you, so...it's PERFECT! I'll hop on my broom and be right there!"
"You know what? It's fine. I'll call Lockhart back and tell him I can't."
"Oh HELL no!" Cho shouted. "You deserve this, girl. You need this. I know you're thinking about getting a second cat."
"I am not!" Hermione lied.
"You haven't been on a date since high school! And you're a strong, independent, beautiful woman. Guys are going to swoon, Hermione."
"They're not even gonna pick me," said Hermione. "They're gonna pick a blonde bimbo like every other time."
"They called you for a reason," said Cho. "And once they see you in this dress...yes, they have to pick you! See you in a few!"
"Yeah, thanks," said Hermione, hanging up and feeling like she was going to vomit.
She arrived at the MBBC and gasped for breath. Cho's dress prevented her from taking in very much breath. She checked the tape around her boobs to make sure it wasn't faltering.
"Hermione Granger?" asked a woman with curly blonde hair all over the place and thick-rimmed cat-eye glasses.
"Yes," said Hermione.
"Great," said the woman, checking off Hermione's name on the scroll floating in front of her. "Just wait here. Lavender Brown?"
"HERE!" exclaimed a girl in a rainbow-colored sundress. She had long, curly brown hair tied up with an oversized bow.
"Lavender, you will be first," said the woman.
Lavender let out a squeal so high-pitched, a dog barked outside. The woman opened the door and ushered her in. Lavender was balancing on stilettos so high, she wobbled as she went through the door.
"Well, at least she's no competition," Hermione thought. She glanced around at the waiting room. A picture of Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour on a beach surrounded by rose petals was prominently displayed next to a picture of Gilderoy Lockhart surrounded by the women from Bill's season. "I wonder how many of them he's hooked up with," she thought. She poured herself a glass of wine from the bottle that sat on the coffee table.
A clamor came from within the casting room. The door opened, and two buff male wizards dressed in black robes and wearing black sunglasses were escorting Lavender out.
"But I just wanted to touch his hair!" Lavender sobbed. "His beautiful red hair!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said one. "Don't call us, we'll call you."
"Do you think they will?" Lavender asked.
"I wouldn't wait up," said the other. They dragged her to the fireplace and thrust her in, then approached Hermione. "Miss Granger?" they asked.
"Uhh, yes, that's me," said Hermione.
"You can't touch the interviewers," said one.
"Umm, noted," said Hermione.
"Alright," said the other. "You may enter." They opened the door and waited. She stood up, smoothed out her dress, and walked in.
Three people were seated at a round table: Gilderoy Lockhart, Bill Weasley, and the blonde woman. They were laughing at some private joke.
"This is Hermione Granger," said the woman. She pulled out a chair for Hermione, and Hermione sat. The men opened a folder in front of them with her name on it. In it she saw a photo of herself from Cho's wedding, and a copy of the letter Cho had written. "You recognize, I'm sure, our host Gilderoy Lockhart, and our past Bachelor Bill Weasley," said the woman, gesturing. The men extended their hands and shook hers warmly. "And I'm Rita Skeeter, the show's producer."
"Oh!" Hermione gasped. She extended her hand to Rita. "It is such an honor to meet you."
"Thank you, Miss Granger," said Rita, returning the handshake. "Today we're just going to get a feel for what kind of Bachelorette you would be and what you're looking for."
"Right," said Hermione nervously, unsure what the answers to those questions were going to be.
"So, Hermione," Bill began, "am I saying that name right? Hermione?"
"Her-my-oh-nee, yes," Hermione laughed.
"Is there special significance to that name?" Bill asked.
"Just a family name," said Hermione.
"Tell us about your family," said Bill.
"Well, I'm muggle-born," said Hermione. They all nodded and wrote on their parchments. "Ummm...my parents are both dentists. I..I don't have any siblings," said Hermione.
"What about your dating history?" asked Gilderoy. "This letter says you haven't been on a date since high school."
"That's...that's correct," said Hermione, blushing and looking downward.
She waited for the inevitable question. It came from Lockhart: "How is a beautiful witch like you still single?"
And she gave the stock reply, "I guess I just haven't met the right guy." Rita rolled her eyes. "I love my work. I work for Magical Law Enforcement."
"An auror?" Lockhart asked with interest.
"More like, the person who tells the aurors what to do," she answered.
"I like it," said Rita with a laugh. Her quick quotes quill scribbled vigorously on the parchment. "So you're the classic career woman who never found time for a man. We can work with that, indeed. But let's get back to this idea of the 'right guy.' What does the 'right guy' look like for you, Miss Granger?"
"What does he look like?" she mused. Her glance strayed to Lockhart, and he winked. She felt herself flush. "I mean, I don't know that I have a physical type, honestly."
"So you'd say physical appearance doesn't matter?" Rita clarified.
"No," she said quickly. "I mean, practically speaking, appearance is a factor of attraction. Usually the first factor. But it can't be the only thing. My man needs to be intelligent, and successful, in one way or another." She smiled. "I have very high standards."
"But are you ready to marry Mr. Right, should you meet him?" Bill asked.
Hermione paused. "I guess it's the only thing missing for my life, so I would be a fool not to," she answered honestly.
"But do you want to be married?" Lockhart pressed.
"To the right man, sure," said Hermione.