It's been three years since I've stood in this spot. Back in my hometown of Summer Bay – a beautiful small, beachside town where I lived for the first twenty three years of my life. It's been three years, three months and twenty seven days since I left and never looking back. Three years since the worth fight of my life, the fight that was the reason I never came back. People have asked throughout the years if it's hard being away from home for so long, but for me it's harder to go home than it is to stay away. Home holds so many memories, a few good ones, but those aren't the ones that I usually remember. I've always been a small town person, someone who loves the simplicity of life and what it has to offer, but I love New Zealand. Living in Whitanga is beautiful – it keeps me active so my mind is always focused elsewhere, until now that is!

It's been three years since I've looked at this house – this small suburban house with the green door and the winding walkway that leads around the side of the house. I used to love that walkway; the curvy shape of it was always fun to walk when I arrived each afternoon from work. I would get out of the car quickly and then head to the door, ringing the door bell and knocking five times then waiting for someone to answer although only one person was ever home at the times I would arrive. It was my own personalized knock, a ring of the door bell and then five raps on the wood. The door would creek and squeak noisily as it opened, something that was good for parents when their teenage daughter would try to sneak out, it was an impossible thing to accomplish with a door that loud. It was an off quirk about the house – it was the perfect house, but the door was broken and no one ever saw fit to fix it. When the door would open there was usually a certain someone with a big smile on the other side, she always had that smile when she answered the door to her house. Now looking at this walkway and the creaky door on the picture perfect home makes me want to run as far away as I can – all the way back to Whitanga if possible!

It's been three years since I stood on the sidewalk like this – debating whether to go inside or not. I wonder if in those three years she ever figured out what happened that day, why after that I stopped walking up that curvy walkway and knocking five times on the squeaky door. Does she carry it around with her like I do? I certainly remember, that day changed my life forever, the day I ended our relationship of six years.

June 13, 2010

I didn't think it was possible for anyone to feel this hurt, this betrayed, to be deceived so badly by someone you're so connected to and who knows you so well. I fall to the floor and the phone falls out of my hand, crashing to the floor with a loud crack. I didn't even give her a chance to say anything else, I don't say goodbye – I'm in shock, complete and utter shock!

I don't even know how long I've been sitting here on the floor with the phone next to me and my head leaning against the hard wall, my dark hair a mess and clinging to my face and my brown eyes filled with tears that haven't fallen. I guess it's been a pretty long time since the pattern on the carpet can now be seen on my legs and it's no longer light when I look outside the window. I finally snap back into reality when the phone rings again, only this time it's my mobile. It's her, probably wondering why I hung up on her before. Does she realize what she did? Why I'm not answering? I don't care at this point; when I saw her name on the ID I stopped feeling the numb, not the shock had turned into anger .I look up and see all the photos we've hung on the walls over the years and I can't stand it. I stand up and start tearing them all down, every single photo comes off the wall. Every single picture taken down, some smashed on the floor, others in the trash along with other memorable things we've gotten together. As I finish taking everything down the anger leaves my body and the hurt sets in, I fall to my knees and sob, crying until there are no more tears left in my body.

That was one of the worst days of my life. I still think about it something – if a song comes on the radio by one of our once collected songs, of it I come across one of the movies we loved in a store. There are reminders all around me, but over the past three years they've slowly become less noticeable. There are some songs that I can listen to now without thinking of anything and movies I can watch without crying, it's only a select few that still affect me.

We were the best friends that could be. We were close. We did everything together, spent every free moment together and no know knew one of us without knowing the other too. Sometimes it seemed as though we had each been reduced to half a person, people would give us one invitation to a party or one gift for Christmas. We were family. That family that we always craved growing up but could never have, that's what we were to each other, family.

I had a connection with her that I couldn't imagine ever finding with anyone else. It was hard to get by alone when I left; I had always had her by my side since I could remember. But after a while I realized that maybe I wasn't as dependent as I thought, maybe I blew what happened out of proportion, but maybe it had been a long time coming and I hadn't realized it while it was happening?

I had told her we were done, but I really wasn't done. I went on to live in that secluded beach town we always dreamt of visiting and now I was living the dream that she helped me realize. It's hard not to do what we had planned together after being so close for so long.

I'm not sure how long I've been standing here lost in thought, my eyes filling with unshed tears, but as the door creaks open I'm brought back to the present and the urge to run away is back in the forefront of my mind.

"Oh my goodness! What are you doing standing out here?" Ruby yells and walks down the walkway towards me. I always loved Ruby – she was always fun to be around and she brought out the best in everyone. Seeing her brought back lots of preparing dinner together every night when she would get home from school. While she worked on homework, I would prepare dinner and we would chat about our day. Sometimes it was just normal chit chat, other days it was serious stuff but really it was anything as this girl could talk anyone's ear off with her rambling.

"Hey, Rubes! It's so good to see you," I say as I walk a few steps forward and finally embrace the young girl who was like a daughter to me all those years ago.

"Your brother came into the diner a few days ago; he said you would be back in town for a little while. I was hoping you would stop by, I've missed you so much." She pauses and gives me another hug – I whisper that I've missed her too. "We never thought we'd see you again, especially after this long. Are you here to see Mu – I mean – Charlie?" she asks me and I feel nervous again, the urge to run is back. I didn't know hearing her name for the first time in such a long time would affect me so much. Some people say I took the situation too hard, that we could have worked the situation out if I tried, but I guess I realized deep down that our relationship has been crumbling for a while and maybe I was just looking for a way out. If that had happened I wouldn't have been as nervous as I am now, I would have seen Charlie sometimes in the last three years and I wouldn't need to make a decision on whether I wanted to see her now or not.

"I don't know, Rubes. I haven't decided yet," I say truthfully. She nods.

"I figured that was why you've been standing out here for an hour."

"Can I ask you something?" I ask her, hoping I'll be able to make a decision after she answers. "Did she ever wonder why I left? Why I didn't contact her?"

Ruby looks sad as she answers, "She did wonder and still does. I think she has analyzed every minute of that day over and over in her head." She looks disappointed as she speaks, "She has been broken ever since you left and it took her a while to learn how to function without you especially with the situation she was left in. I have had my ideas as to what went on with you – and I just want you to know that I never blamed you for leaving without a goodbye."

I felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulder that I didn't know was there. Knowing that this girl, the one I saw as my own, the one I abandoned all those years ago understood me enough to give me closure and I decided in that moment that was what I needed.

I won't walk up that walkway today, but maybe I will someday soon.