This story is part of a much longer (100 chapter) work inspired largely by my TwiCon 2009 story "Our Forever". So much had to be cut out of that work to make the word limit and I started considering what would have happened in that first century. As ideas come to me, I will be expanding on them. They might be funny or poignant or sad - they're snippets of an eternal life and so encompass all those emotions that come along with living. They will be from varying view points and will be various lengths. The year and narrator will be listed under the title.
Someday, all 100 chapters - one per year - will be complete and "Love Endures All Things" will be finished. Until then, you get the pieces as they're finished.
Twilight and all associated characters, plots, settings, etc are the intellectual property of Stephenie Meyer. I am in no way associated with Ms. Meyer and own only the unique and original plot material. No copyright infringement is intended.
Goodbye
2057 – Bella & Jacob
The sadness washed through us all in waves from the moment we heard the news. Forks had lost its most beloved police chief; Sue Clearwater Swan was burying her second husband.
Alice hadn't seen it coming. Charlie had retired to La Push and largely due to our visits, there was still a wolf pack presence. He hadn't been sick. We spoke on the phone weekly and he always sounded lively and happy. Sue changed his life. His death was entirely unexpected to say the least.
The fact that he died doing what he loved was little consolation. My stubborn-as-a-mule father never did wear a life vest. Even after he'd capsized his boat fifty years ago, ruining Alice's perfect Christmas he refused to consider it. This time around when the boat tipped, it hit him in the head. I was just grateful he hadn't drowned.
I knew what it felt like to drown.
Charlie hadn't felt waves pounding against his body, forcing breath from his lungs. He hadn't felt water choke and burn as it flooded his throat. My human memories of my near-drowning hadn't faded. Sick as it sounded, they gave me something to hold on to as I fell into the dark abyss.
The fact that Leah called was the first indication that something was wrong. A part of me knew what had happened the instant I saw her solemn expression.
I sounded more wary than normal when I greeted her, "Good evening, Leah."
"Bella? I… I don't know how to say this," her sympathetic tone and expression told me what she couldn't. "Um… I'm so sorry. Charlie… Charlie passed away this afternoon."
The family had gathered as soon as they'd heard Leah's voice echoing through the high ceilinged great room of our home in Maine. They froze at her announcement and time seemed to stop for one excruciatingly long moment. I felt all expression drain from my face.
"No!" Renesmee whispered.
I couldn't bear to look at her, to see her grief. I knew she would be comforted, just as Edward hovered at my back waiting to comfort me. But in that moment, I wasn't a mother. I wasn't a wife. I wasn't a friend or a sister. I wasn't a vampire. I wasn't even a Cullen. In that moment, all those other pieces of my identity fell away and I was only Charlie's daughter. I was only Bella Swan. And my world was shattering.
In spite of it all, I managed to keep my voice steady. "How?"
She explained in a rush of words; each sentence a physical blow. Nessie was crying behind me, her breath coming in great shuddering sobs. Jacob was crying too. I could hear the hitch in his voice as he tried to console her. The others were deadly silent.
"Mom and Sam… they're already arranging a private memorial separate from the public funeral," Leah continued. "Like we had for Billy. When you get here…" her voice cracked.
I held up a hand, staving off any more. I couldn't bear any more. "Thank you, Leah. We'll be there as soon as we can."
The video screen went dark and the room was quiet enough for even a human to hear a pin drop. I jerked around looking for Renesmee.
"Jake and Esme took her to her room," Edward explained quietly. He was still behind me, close enough to touch me but maintaining his distance.
"Okay," I pressed one hand to my forehead and the other to my stomach, trying to think straight. They were all watching me, waiting for me to break. I was too numb to break. "Someone needs to call the airport and let them know we'll be leaving tonight. We'll need to notify…" I paused and took a deep breath. "… Everyone. School. Work. Um, reschedule…"
Alice crossed the room and wrapped her tiny arms around me. "Shhh… we'll take care of it, Bella. It's okay."
I shook my head violently. "I can't… I can't right now. I have to check on Renesmee." Though part of me knew I would hate myself for it later, I shrugged her off and hurried up the stairs.
Renesmee was lying on her bed sniffling. Her head was pillowed on Esme's lap and Jacob sat on the floor beside her holding her hand.
"Momma…" she whispered, her red and puffy eyes filling with tears again when I appeared in the door way. She pushed herself up and held out her arms for me. In that moment it did not matter how old she was or looked. She was my baby girl and she was in pain. I gathered her into my arms and rocked her while she wept.
Nessie cried the tears none of us could shed, though we all felt them. It was an acute pain; crippling and unyielding. We sank to the floor in a miserable puddle, clinging to each other to weather the storm. I stroked her hair and rubbed her back, vaguely aware that Jacob and Edward stood side by side watching us helplessly. The one tiny part of my mind that was still functioning rationally hoped the others were taking care of the business aspects of our necessary absence.
I wasn't sure how they got us from the bedroom floor to the jet without us realizing it, but we were both bordering on zombie-mode. No one said a word. Jasper and Emmett normally kept up a script-worthy banter in the cockpit, keeping us all in stitches. But they were silent, making the jet feel like a tomb.
All cried out, Nessie leaned against me bonelessly. Jacob sat on her other side holding her hand between both of his. His brow was creased with worry and grief. Edward was on my other side, his arm resting gingerly around my shoulders. My head felt too heavy to hold up and lulled back against him.
Carlisle and Esme sat together near the back of the cabin having a hushed conversation. Rosalie was busily repainting her already perfect nails. She had detached emotionally, but snuck quick, worried peeks at both Nessie and me throughout the flight. Alice was hugging her knees and staring out the window at the black night. She looked smaller than ever and it suddenly occurred to me that she deeply loved Charlie and undoubtedly blamed herself for not seeing his death. For not preventing it.
With a great effort, I pushed my shield away so Edward could hear me.
Edward, Alice needs me.
He knew exactly what I meant, sliding over so Renesmee leaned against him instead. I moved across the jet, sat beside my sister and draped my arm around her slight frame.
"I'm sorry about before, Alice," I whispered.
"Don't be," she sighed and hugged me back. "I understand. This sucks."
I shocked everyone when I started laughing. "You have degrees in English, French, Latin and Japanese, you're fluent in eight other languages, conversational in seven more and know the dirty words in I don't know how many and all you can say is 'This sucks?'"
"It's the truth. Why sugar coat it with fancy words?" she shrugged.
"She's right, Momma. It royally sucks," Renesmee agreed, a sad smile playing over her face.
"I won't argue with that," I allowed.
We touched down at the tiny airport in Forks near midnight local time. Leah and Emily were waiting to take us to La Push. We had to be careful, of course, to avoid being seen. Even with the proliferation of medical technologies that enhanced life spans and allowed people to maintain youthful appearances, no one would believe that five decades would have left no mark on us.
While we drove up the 101 a stray thought crossed my mind. It was undoubtedly difficult for Edward to hear everyone's thoughts as well as deal with his own. And poor Jasper was probably beside himself with all the emotions raging through us. I could do something for the former and attempt to settle myself for the latter.
"Don't try it, Bella. It's not necessary," Alice advised quietly.
My mind was made up. Normally it was no problem for me to shield others. But in my emotional state it took a moment before Edward's head snapped up to give me a confused and concerned look.
"Bella…"
I shook my head. "Please, Edward. Just let me. I can't just sit here and do nothing."
We spent two days holed up in Sue's little house tripping over each other as we tried to stay out of the way. Seth, Amy and the twins arrived a few hours after we did. They had ended their vacation to come. By the late afternoon on the first day I was growing stir crazy. Being unable to go out and make my father's funeral arrangements myself was maddening. There was nothing I could do.
Renesmee and I spent the second day pouring over our family photo albums. The others drifted in and out of the room, but seemed to recognize our need for time with just each other. That night we made our way to the funeral home in a solemn procession. I stepped into the parlor where his casket rested, but couldn't bring myself to cross the room. The others made their way forward before forming a kind of semi-circle.
Carlisle and Esme held hands, as did Rosalie and Emmett. Seth and Leah flanked their mother holding on to her, though Sue seemed to be stoically accepting. It wasn't heartless or upsetting. I knew she cared, she just didn't often express her emotions. Just like Charlie. In contrast, both Jacob and Jasper were having to support Nessie and Alice respectively.
I watched as one by one they approached Charlie to say their final goodbyes. Each individual moment was a unique kind of knife to my heart.
Carlisle went first. "Charlie, I know the most important concern a father has is for his children. You need not worry. I promise to stand in your stead for her, to love her as my own daughter and I thank you for that privilege and honor." He made the sign of the cross, "You know as I do 'Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.' A father's love is all of this and it never ends."
"The world seems darker today, Charlie. We'll miss you dearly," Esme began, brushing her hand down his weathered cheek. "You were a genuinely good soul – one of the best..." Overcome with emotion, she couldn't say anymore. Carlisle drew her away and held her as Emmett and Rosalie took their place.
"You fought the good fight, Chief Swan," Emmett nodded as he spoke, his head bobbing up and down. "You didn't take crap and you knew what was important. I'm a better man for knowing you and the world will be a little less without you."
Rosalie pressed her hand against her mouth for a moment. "Charlie, I…" She shook her head. "I'm sorry. Goodbye."
"You were the best step-dad a kid could ask for," Seth said, staring at his shoes. Amy had the boys at home – they would be attending the public funeral the next day. But Seth, Leah and Sue had insisted on coming with us. I later realized they knew a funeral was more for the grieving than the deceased; they were there that night for Nessie and me. "Never tried to take my dad's place, just tried to help me become someone my dad would've been proud of." He looked into the coffin and finished, "Thanks, Charlie."
Sue didn't say anything. She didn't have to. She sat in the front row, beginning to look a little lost as reality sank in.
Leah waited until Seth returned to their mom before stepping forward. She rested her hand on the lid, sniffled and took a deep shuddering breath before she could speak. "I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I ever said to you. But you never let that get in the way. I think you understood me in ways no one else did. I'm really going to miss that." She stared down at him for a long time before finally moving back.
Alice and Jasper went together. She climbed up on the stool beside the casket and bent to kiss Charlie's cheek. "I don't remember a thing about my biological relatives, Charlie. Aside from the one I adopted, I didn't know any family at all. And then you and Bella came along and… Now I almost feel lucky I have that blank. If this is what it feels like to have loved and lost…" Alice stopped and I had a feeling Jasper helped her get a hold of herself. "If it's true that the wage of love is grief than you were certainly well loved, Charlie Swan. And you will be sorely missed. You accepted me whole heartedly and without question. We'll never forget you."
She turned into Jasper as he saluted the casket. "One of the bravest souls I've ever known," he murmured before leading Alice away.
It hurt much more to watch Nessie and Jacob as they knelt side by side. Nessie couldn't do much more than whisper, "Oh, Grandpa" over and over again.
Jacob wrapped one arm around her before addressing my dad. "Billy's been waiting for you, Chief. Harry too. I bet you were all up there fishing this morning and you're probably watching the game now. Don't let them get into too much trouble, okay? We're…" Jacob paused to clear his throat. "I'm really glad you stuck it out with that need-to-know thing. And I'm really, really glad I didn't scare you to death when I phased that first day, though you did look pretty horrified when the clothes came off. It's never going to be the same without you, Charlie." He rested his forehead against the casket for a moment and when he sat back up the tears were falling readily.
"I loved you so much from the first day I saw you, Grandpa," Renesmee whispered in a shaky, watery voice. "I was worried because everyone was in such an uproar and Daddy kept telling me I mustn't bite you or show you pictures… I didn't know what to make of it. And then you came in and I didn't quite know why everyone was so upset… You've always been there for me – through every major life event and more. And I don't know what I'm going to do without you now. A part of me will miss you every single day of forever," she admitted, using one of her father's favorite phrases. "I love you."
And then there were two. I followed Edward up the center aisle because I had no other choice. I couldn't not say goodbye to my own father, no matter how painful it was. Charlie deserved better.
Edward stared down for a long time and the detached part of my brain wondered if he'd ever been to a funeral before. "You and I had plenty of differences, Chief Swan. But we always shared one thing in common – we both love Bella. Despite your best judgment, you trusted her to me. I will be eternally grateful for that gift. I don't really know what I can say because nothing will change this reality. It's not often I'm at a loss for words, Charlie.
"You were an example of everything that was good and right with this world – you were understanding and accepting. Loyal. Honest. Hard-working. The world could use a lot more people like you," Edward fell silent and for a moment we all thought he was finished. "Goodbye, Dad," he breathed. It was all I could do to stay on my feet.
His shoulders shaking with emotion, Edward turned toward me and held out his hand. It was the first time he'd reached out to me since we heard the news. I walked forward mechanically, aware that the others were backing away to give me space. When Edward's fingers closed around mine I found the strength to look down at Charlie. His expression was peaceful and relaxed. If his heartbeat wasn't so glaringly absent I might have deluded myself into thinking he was asleep.
My mind flashed back to my wedding and the goodbye we'd said then. It only slightly easier now than it had been that day to talk about love with Charlie; we still tended to avoid embarrassing displays. But this was my last chance to see his face and definitely not the time to allow such trivial things like misguided shame get in the way of what I needed to say. Nothing seemed more appropriate than what I'd said that night so long ago when I thought I was saying a permanent goodbye.
"I love you forever, Dad," I told him again, leaning down to press my lips to his forehead. There was no difference between the temperature of his skin and the temperature of my own and my long-empty stomach turned. "Don't forget that. Forever."
As I backed away, afraid that I would collapse and crush his frail human body as well as the casket, I could almost hear him respond, "You, too, Bells. Always have, always will."
There was a strange ripping sound that filled the otherwise silent parlor. I recognized the noise, having heard it before in the waiting room in Volterra. I forced myself to take a deep breath and shove the shaking sobs aside.
It was September of 2005 all over again.
This time it was carpet beneath me rather than hardwood. But that was the only difference as again I felt the floor under my knees, and then my palms, and then my cheek. I hoped, irrationally, that somehow the physical constraints of my vampire nature would allow me to faint, but I didn't lose consciousness. I was denied even that small release. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.
Again, I did not resurface.
* * *
"When she comes out of this, she's going to be mad at you for sticking around, Jasper," Alice murmured from the room down the hall. "I see that much. You're torturing yourself." The family spoke in soft tones lately, but they still talked about Bells like she wasn't there. Why wouldn't they when she was completely unaware most of the time? Had been for weeks.
"I don't care, Alice," Jasper replied smoothly. He wasn't arguing, he was stating a fact. "Bella is as much my sister as she is yours and I'm not going to abandon her now. She needs her family. All of us."
Alice sighed. "I know, Jazz. That's why I love you. But it kills me to see her like this. I can't imagine feeling what she's feeling."
The situation made me itch. It was too much like life back when Edward had left. Ever since we'd gotten back from Charlie's funeral, Bella had been withdrawn. It'd been almost three weeks since she'd hunted and her eyes were blacker than mine. She was in pain and there was nothing anyone could do to reach her. And we'd tried.
Esme was her normal loving, compassionate, Super-Mom self, reduced to wringing her hands in ever-increasing desperation. The normally unflappable Carlisle resorted to spouting informational but rather useless psychobabble. Rosalie alternated between giving Bella a wide berth and sitting beside her in sympathetic silence. Emmett tried everything to get a reaction from her. His jokes got increasingly dirty and when that failed he tried challenging her. Neither worked. Alice spent much of her time actively searching the future for any change in Bella's behavior. When she wasn't in a near-trance she took up the same silent vigil as her sisters. Jasper fought to keep everyone from self-destructing over the pain. He spent a lot of time channeling the excess emotion by beating the crap out of stuff in the basement. Like her grandma, Nessie did a lot of hovering; she didn't know how to help. Even I couldn't reach Bella, no matter what I did.
The only one who didn't try a damn thing was Edward. He followed her around like a shadow, but that was it. He seemed almost as lost as Bells.
That was going to change.
I found him with her, of course. She was sitting in the sun room staring blankly out the window. He was leaning against the wall watching her just as blankly.
Edward? A word?
At the very least I expected him to glare at me. He just looked up and nodded once. Alice and Rosalie came in together to take his place, sitting on either side of Bella. Convinced they would take care of our girl, Edward and I ducked out the back door.
I figured it would only be a matter of seconds before he responded to my thoughts. I was wrong. We'd been walking for nearly three minutes before I finally spoke up. "You have to do something. She can't keep this up and none of us can help."
He shook his head. "I know."
I waited a beat. And then another. He said nothing. "So what the Hell are you waiting for then?" I prodded.
"I've feared this day for decades," he said.
"What day?"
He heaved a sigh, "The day she realizes what she gave up to be with me. The day she realizes I've made her a monster. The day she runs screaming."
Feeling our roles reversed, I gave him a look and smacked the back of his head. It hurt like Hell, but it got his attention. "Moron."
Edward blinked dumbly at me. "What?"
"You. Are. A. Moron. She's not going to run screaming, none of us is a monster and she gained a lot more than she gave up. Get over yourself and comfort your wife."
"Jacob," he responded, turning to face me with one of his old, intense, burning man expressions from before Nessie was born. "Don't you see? If I'd had the strength to leave her, to stay away, she would have been with you. The pair of you would have been happy. You would have lived out your normal life spans and this goodbye wouldn't be permanent. But now she may never see Charlie again, afterlife or not."
I shook my head in disgust.
"I thought you were over that shit, little bro," Emmett joined us. "You smack him yet?"
"Yes," I responded with a harsh laugh.
"Apparently not hard enough. Don't know if it's possible to hit him hard enough to knock the over-thinking, dwelling-on-the-past tendencies out of his head. Tell me something, Eddie," Emmett was deliberately goading now the way he had with Bella. "Do you really believe the crap you're spewing? 'Cause yeah it sucks that Charlie died and don't get me wrong, we're all gonna miss him. But if you'd done what you're talkin' about… think about those consequences. Hell, we wouldn't have Ness…"
"Bella needs you," I put my hand on his shoulder. Emmett and I'd apparently shifted somehow into a good cop, bad cop routine. "She needs you now. We've all tried. Not even I can reach her. So stop wallowing. Stop thinking. Be what she needs."
"I don't know what she needs," he admitted.
Yeah, that's the tricky part, huh?
"Well…" I rubbed at the back of my neck. "According to what Carlisle keeps repeating there are stages of grief: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression and loneliness and finally acceptance. Shock and denial – I'm pretty sure that's how she got through the first days. Pain and guilt – she's stuck there now and so are you for that matter. We've got to get her into the next stage unless we want to be dealing with vampire level pain and guilt for the next decade or two."
It was Emmett's turn to laugh darkly, "I think Alice would kill you if you let that happen. Poor Jazz refuses to leave and he's getting close to tearing his hair out. She won't be too pleased if he's got bald spots."
The solution hit me like a ton of bricks; I knew exactly how Edward could help jump start her grieving. "You know what you need to do, Edward? Apologize to her."
He gave me another dumb look.
"If you pissed us off with the 'she would have been better off without me and now we're both monsters' routine, just imagine how angry she'll be. Especially since that implies you think you'd be better off without your daughter." I didn't let myself dwell on that since I knew he was grieving too and really didn't mean it. Any other day I would have had a hard time not tearing him apart. "So apologize for turning her and keeping her from ever having a chance to see her dad again. That should do it."
Edward looked between Emmett and me for a few minutes before nodding, "Just don't let her kill me."
"Yeah," I scoffed. "Like we'd let that happen. Do you know how impossible it'd be to bring her out of that funk when all was said and done? No thank you."
* * *
Time still passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
It was a crippling thing, the familiar sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest. The hole that had completely disappeared on Edward's return was back, leaving ragged, unhealed gashes that throbbed and bled where it shouldn't have been possible. The only bright side was that I couldn't sleep so I couldn't have nightmares. But since it felt like I was living a nightmare it didn't really matter.
It hurt to move. It hurt to think. It hurt to breathe.
In defense I sat unmoving, curled inward and holding myself together again. I missed the numbness. I knew where I was, which was a good thing, I supposed. I was vaguely aware of people flitting in and out of the room to sit with me. They seemed take turns. It made the guilt worse as I drowned in a sea of pain.
Jacob came in for a moment, but not even my personal sun could brighten the darkness. Alice and Rosalie followed, sitting beside me. Alice was on the floor, her temple resting against the side of my knee. Rose was on the seat beside me, one arm around my back. My sisters couldn't ease the hurt no matter what they tried. So they joined me in silence.
Then both Jacob and Edward were gone. Edward hadn't left my side since the moment I found out and a tiny part of my brain sat up and took notice. They were gone for several minutes and returned together. The aware part of my brain tried to settle back into the despair but couldn't. Now it focused on why they'd left. The mother in me was concerned for Renesmee. I hadn't done anything for her in the weeks since the funeral. Fear seized the awareness. Fear that something was wrong with her too.
Rosalie kissed my temple. "Remember… we love you, Bella," she murmured before standing and helping Alice do the same.
"I'm sorry. This is for the best. We do love you," the pixie whispered before kissing my other temple. "This will work," she hissed at Edward and Jacob. And then they left.
Jacob's warm hand settled on my shoulder for a moment before he followed them. I was vaguely aware that the entire family was just outside the door, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Charlie was dead.
Edward knelt in front of me took hold of my hands on my ribs and pulled them away. He brought them to his lips, kissed them and then rubbed them against his cheek. My eyes were fixed on my knees.
"I'm so, so sorry, my Bella," his velvet voice pierced through my darkness. "I don't know what to do. I love you and I can't stand knowing that because I love you you're going through this."
Time slowed to a near stop as I tried to process what he was saying to me. I understood each word individually, but once they were put together they ceased to make sense. And yet he continued to string them together incoherently.
"If I could change things, if I could take it back so you didn't hurt as much I would. I would do anything for that, my love. I wish things were different. I wish I'd done the right thing years ago."
Fury mounted inside me, filling the hole in my chest as I started to understand his thought process. I could feel my eyes blazing with anger as I slowly lifted my head to look at him.
"If I'd had the strength to stay away, things would be different now. You would have lived out your normal, human life. I wouldn't have taken you from your world, your family. This goodbye wouldn't be permanent. I'll understand if today is the day you finally run screaming."
My suspicions confirmed, I tore my hands out of his grip and shoved his chest. "Don't say that, Edward! Don't you ever say that again!" I demanded.
His expression was indescribably sad as he tried to explain, "I don't know what to say, Bella. I don't know what to do. You wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for me."
My hands curled into fists and I hit him again. "Don't… don't… He's dead. He's gone. I don't have my dad anymore. There was nothing I could do to save him, even if I'd been there. He shouldn't have been fishing alone! He knew better. He knew better than to be out on the water with no one around. Especially at his age. But he did it anyway because you men are all the same – stubborn and blind to your own weaknesses," I punctuated my words by pounding on him.
"And then there's you. No matter how many arguments we have, no matter how many times I promise you otherwise, no matter how long it's been or what happens, we always end up back here. I do not regret this decision. I do not regret my life with you! How dare you accuse me otherwise? You say you love me, but you don't listen to me. You don't believe me. How is that love? And how dare you think for a fraction of a millisecond that I would be better off without you? Without our family? Without Renesmee? It's that damned stubbornness again."
I hit him again and he merely wrapped his arms around me. The white-hot flash of anger burned out leaving nothing but the embers of profound sadness. My fingers relaxed for a moment only to curl into the fabric of his shirt.
"I have to go on without my father. Don't ask me to think about life without our family. Without our daughter. Without you. Don't talk like that. Don't… just… I can't bear it. I miss my daddy. God… I miss him so much. And were I human, I would still miss him this much. But it would be worse. I wouldn't have you –" my voice broke and the sobbing started. I couldn't form tears, but I could still cry.
"Shhh, Bella, shh. I'm here. Where else would I go?"
"He left me. He wasn't supposed to leave me…" I protested, a part of my brain recognizing the irrationality of my arguments. "Your dad's supposed to be there. Always. And he's gone. I don't know what to do now.
"It's not right! He wasn't supposed to die like that! I know he was older, but with all the medical advances he should have been around for another thirty years at least! It's not fair!"
Edward rubbed my back, "I know, sweetheart. I know."
He let me rage at him until I got it out of my system.
"I could have turned him," I argued stubbornly. "He'd still be here if I had."
"He didn't want that, Bella. You respected his choice just as he respected yours."
"That doesn't mean I have to like it," I muttered darkly.
"No, you don't have to like it, love. But you do have to deal with it."
I shook my head, "Zombie Bella is easier than Vampire Bella."
"Is it, love? Is it really? Because if it is go back there. But I can't imagine having all that bottled up inside you is easier than sharing it with the people who love you."
Suitably chastised, I finally looked him in the eye again, "I'm sorry, Edward."
He stroked my cheek, "Don't be, Bella. Goodbyes are always difficult. One like this would naturally be nearly impossible. I'm sorry you have to go through it."
I closed my eyes and laid my head on Edward's shoulder. It was a testament to how out of it I was that I didn't hear her approach, but suddenly Renesmee was there. She sank to her knees and hugged me from behind, resting her cheek against my shoulder blade. Both Edward and I shifted in unison to pull her around between us.
"I'm sorry, Momma," she murmured, kissing my cheek.
"I'm sorry too, sweetheart," I kissed her temple. "And I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. This is hard enough without suffering without your mom."
"Don't, Momma," she covered my mouth with her hand. "Don't beat yourself up over it. Don't feel guilty. You lost your dad. You had a right to fall apart. We just didn't know how to help."
While I had been vaguely aware of the others the entire time, I hadn't fully realized how my zombie-state had affected them all. I looked over my shoulder to find six pairs of rather dull golden eyes and one pair of dark brown watching us. Horror washed over me as I realized what I'd put them through on top of their own grief.
Jasper frowned and marched into the room. "Oh no you don't! Do not go back to that guilty place, Bella, or so help me God! I'm really, really sick of it!"
I looked at him for a moment, anger building inside me again, "You were here the whole time?" I demanded, extricating myself from Edward and Renesmee's arms and getting to my feet. "Feeling what I was feeling? Why didn't you leave? I know that this is your home as well, but why would you put yourself through that?" I gestured emphatically.
Unintimidated by my outburst, Jasper crossed his arms and explained calmly, "Because you're my sister and I love you. You need your family and so we're here. Don't forget that, Bella."
The others had followed him through the door and were standing around me. It felt a bit like an intervention, which I supposed it was. I had every intention of continuing to rail at him, but my words failed me in the face of that truth. My family was with me. I hadn't lost everything. Charlie was gone, but his spirit would be with me as long as I existed.
I wasn't only Charlie Swan's daughter. I was Isabella Marie Swan Cullen. I was a strong and capable vampire. I had two brothers who teased me relentlessly and kept me on my toes, but who wouldn't hesitate to put themselves in harm's way to keep me safe. I had two sisters who taught me everything they knew and spent hours with me just doing girly things. They were also more fiercely protective than my brothers. I had a mother and father-in-law who were quick to offer anything from sage advice to a shoulder to lean on. I had a best friend who doubled as a son-in-law and who could brighten my outlook just by walking into a room. I had a beautiful daughter who reminded me every day that wondrous things happened. And I had Edward, my own personal miracle and the one person in the world who loved me so deeply it defied explanation.
The Bible verse Carlisle had quoted at the funeral rang true in my head. "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
My family was living proof of that. They were love personified. My world hadn't shattered, it was simply reoriented. And while I would always and forever miss Charlie, I would be able to continue on without him because I had the rest of my family. And I had his love. I took a deep breath and looked up to find them all watching me.
"I know that face. If you say 'I'm sorry' again I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you just a little," Rosalie informed me with a playful smirk and a quick hug.
"Hot damn!" Emmett exclaimed, holding up his hand for a high-five. "You were right, Jake. Only had to get her a little mad to break the funk."
Esme gave them a stern look, "While I disagree entirely with the method, I suppose in this case the ends justify the means. It's good to have you back, honey. We were so worried…"
"I'm sure you know this isn't over," Carlisle advised. "But at least now you're making progress, dear."
"We should plant a tree," Alice suggested. "And whenever we move, wherever we live, we should plant another one in his honor."
Nessie smiled, though her eyes were filling with tears, "I love that idea, Aunt Alice! Let's go get one right now." She hurried from the room, dragging her aunts and grandmother along with her. Life went on.
The grandfather clock in the hallway chimed and Carlisle frowned at his watch. "It's later than I realized. I have a meeting in half an hour," he explained as he headed toward the garage. "I'll see you all later."
"So, up for a little VR racing, Jazz?" Emmett wondered. Apparently with me functioning again life was returning to normal. A part of me was saddened by that, but if I was honest it was what Charlie would have wanted. He always hated being the center of attention. Not even death could have changed that.
Jasper shrugged, "Sure." They followed the others out of the sun room, but Jasper paused at the door. "Don't forget that, Bella," he reminded me mock-sternly.
"Are you okay, Bells?" Jacob wondered, searching my face for the truth only he and Edward could read.
"I'll get there," I replied honestly.
He smiled widely. "Good. See, you had nothing to worry about, Edward. She didn't try to kill you."
Edward glared at him.
"And now you're back to your normal self too," Jacob congratulated himself as he wandered away to assist with the tree selection.
I raised an eyebrow, "You thought I would try to kill you? That's ridiculous, Edward."
He grimaced, "I know how much you hate the arguments I was making. The others were banking on them working the way they did, but with you so upset… I wasn't thinking rationally either, love. Case in point for a moment part of me honestly did believe what I was saying. I know the truth. I know it deep in my soul. But I love Charlie too and I wasn't thinking rationally."
"That's why you weren't touching me?" the last few weeks began to make a little more sense. "Because you thought I blamed you? I thought… I thought you were mad at me for being so upset."
Edward shook his head. "Never, Bella. He was your father, of course I understood why you were distraught. I didn't realize I was making it worse on you. I thought I was helping."
I wrapped my arms around his neck and his came up around my waist. For several minutes we just stood there, taking comfort in each other. "Please don't think that again, Edward," I finally pleaded. "Being away from you could never help."
"I'm sorry, my love," he kissed the top of my head.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to think about it anymore."
"Alright. Since you reacted so positively to Alice's tree idea, I'm wondering if you would object to mine?"
I pulled back just far enough to look into his face, "What is it?"
He kissed my nose. "I was thinking we could start a scholarship in Charlie's name for students that are studying Criminal Justice."
I smiled, "I think that's a wonderful idea, Edward."
"I've missed your smile, my Bella."
I pushed my shield out once more. I think I'm going to be okay, Edward. I'll always miss Charlie, but thanks to you and the rest of our family I'll get through this.
He held me, enfolding me simultaneously in his arms and his love. And I knew I hadn't lied. I would be okay. With their love and Charlie's, I could endure all things.