Dislaimer/Acknowledgements: I still don't own these characters, and I didn't invent them. Thank you Ron Moore and David Eick. Thanks also to stripes13 for organizing this week's fic exchange at the no_takebacks LJ community, and thanks to ninjamonkey73 for the prompt. I also appreciate the thoughts that taragel, damao2010 and many others have generously shared regarding the events of this episode - those discussions have influenced my sense of possibilities.
Sufficient to the Day
Do not worry about tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient to the day is its own evil. (Mt 6:34)
Kara and Tigh are reaching the dregs of their bottle, and the sun is starting to sting along the skin of her forearm. It's past time to make her move. Her windblown hair covers her eyes as she closes them and leans forward, arms draped over her knees. In an attitude suspended between sickness and prayer, she allows herself one moment of memory before she wakes Sam and never looks back.
"Morning, colonel. Starbuck."
At the sound of Lee's voice, she feels her stomach twist and drop. Reluctantly, she opens her eyes and sees him come to a stop an arm's length away, settling one elbow onto the corner of the bleacher behind her. His jacket is unbuttoned, his hair mussed, jaw ghosted with stubble, and the frakking sun is rising behind him. The look on his face is casual and fond, but he breathes as if he's been running.
"Apollo," Tigh greets, hilarity threatening to bubble loose. "Wanna drink?"
"I'm good, thanks." He shifts position, sinking down to sit on Kara's left side, careful to leave a comfortable space between them.
"I hear you had quite a night," Tigh prompts, helping himself to another swig.
Lee raises an eyebrow but doesn't blush. "The best," he nods, stretching out his legs and gently nudging Kara's shoe. "Hey."
She frowns. "Hey."
"You hear the scuttlebutt on Hot Dog?"
She turns slowly to stare at him. "What?"
"I ran into Kat yesterday, and she told me he's been poking around in the sand with a jerry-rigged metal detector. So far he's stockpiled a few nails, some busted buttons, and a couple of coins."
"What for?"
"No idea. But he's got a group of kids tagging along." He catches her eye and smiles. "It's a treasure hunt."
It's hard to run from a conversation about nothing. He's playing smart this morning. "Stop it," she warns.
He sighs, but looks away and lets his head thud backward.
They sit silent for half a minute before she can't stand it and starts to rise.
"Kara…" And here it comes, the soft tone, the warm fingers on her wrist. She snatches her hand away.
"Just let me be, all right? You woke up alone, and you're supposed to know how I work. Stop pretending you didn't get the message."
"Oh, I'm reading you loud and clear," he says. "You reading me?"
She rakes him with narrow eyes. "Maybe I don't like what I see."
"I think you'd like it just fine if you'd calm down for a minute."
"I don't want to do this, okay?" She stands up, slapping sand off her clothes. "You don't want to do this."
"I told you what I want."
"Listen, kids," Tigh interrupts, each syllable twanging and overlong. He's the only one still seated, and Ellen's head stirs sleepily in his lap. "I'm not going anywhere. So if you wanna take this little heart-to-heart someplace private…"
"I don't care who frakkin' knows," Lee insists, barely glancing at him.
Kara grimaces. "Yeah, right. You said a lot of stupid things last night."
"So did you. I'm saying them again today."
"Well, I'm not." She turns her back and starts walking, then jogging, in the direction of the river. She doesn't pause to look at Sam, still passed out ten feet away.
Lee moves after her, but Tigh calls to him. "Lee."
He shakes his head. "I have to go."
"You've got guts, son." Lee pauses, surprised. Tigh squints at him, nodding after Kara. "Just tread carefully, huh?"
Lee waves a hand in acknowledgement and breaks into a sprint.
He follows her, but not too closely. After fifteen minutes they wind to a halt on a shady bank by the water.
"Leave me alone, Lee," she says tiredly.
He raises both hands. "You know how to do this. You already know. It's just us, Kara."
She shakes her head.
"We've always known this could happen. We were just too…"
"Smart!" she interrupts before he can say scared. "Too smart to get into this mess. But last night we got stupid and we made a mistake. It wasn't the first time – I'm always a stupid drunk." Her voice rises. "But you never learn, you never care, you just follow my lead every time, don't you? Every frakking time since the day we met." She can tell by the tremor of his cheek that she's finally hurt him, and she presses her advantage. "You used to have the decency to feel bad afterwards."
His face twists, but the guilt there is old, not fresh. It was Zak and a lot of things… "Last night wasn't…" He regains control of his expression. "It wasn't a mistake. You can't make me regret it."
"Wanna bet?" she asks. "Double dog dare?"
"Frak you."
She grins, feral. "Be still my heart, Lee."
"What are you trying to prove?"
She waves a hand between them. "We're messed up."
"No kidding."
"We don't work."
"Like hell."
"We're…" without warning, she's stumbling into honesty "…too much."
His eyes darken. "That's true," he admits. "But do you really want less? Really?"
She bites her lip and doesn't answer.
He could press his advantage in turn – make her confess – but he doesn't. He approaches slowly and his arms slip around her in a light, awkward hug.
She brushes her nose against his loosened collar. "What are we gonna do?"
She doesn't expect his answer to have changed overnight, but he surprises her. "We wait, I guess."
"For what?"
"For you. Let you figure out how you feel, what you want."
She lowers her forehead further, pressing into his shoulder. "I'm never gonna figure that out."
His hand skims across her hair. "I think you will. To tell you the truth, I think you already have."
She snorts. "You're so full of yourself."
"One of the many reasons I'm perfect for you."
She pulls back to tell him to shut up and finds his kiss as warm as ever. Her hands fist involuntarily as he works her mouth.
"So what are you gonna tell Dee?" she breathes.
She was hoping he'd flinch, but he just slows down and looks serious. "The truth."
"Meaning what? We finally frakked and now you think you're in love?"
He nuzzles the hinge of her jaw. "Yes."
"You'll tell her that?"
"Yes."
"I'm not leaving Sam."
He freezes and she feels a stuttering lurch of air against her neck, as if his breath had been abruptly knocked out. He says nothing, and she tries to turn him toward her but he holds tight and doesn't let her see his face. "You've decided already?" he finally asks.
"I've decided that much. Not about the future. Just today."
She's caught off guard when he shoves her, hard. She stumbles back a few paces and by the time she's recovered her balance, he's facing away, kneeling by the water with his hands on his knees.
"Can't handle that, huh?" she says, angry.
"I don't…I don't think so, no."
"So much for giving me time."
"I can wait, Kara, that's not the problem. I can wait as long as you're seriously considering this." He looks up at her over his shoulder. "But I don't want you to stay with him while you make up your mind."
"It's not your choice to make!"
"You're so..." he cuts himself off. He rubs a hand over his eyes and tries again. "I know you care about him, alright? But you care about me, too, and all I can say is that if you don't make up your mind first, you'll hurt us both."
"I don't care if you stay with Dee while I decide. I kind of wish you would."
"Well, that's just great." Somehow, she's made it worse. "But I'm not you. I can't…I'm not staying with Dee. And if you stay with Sam…" She braces for the ultimatum. "If you stay with Sam, then I guess I'll have to live with it, but I honestly don't know how."
She steps closer, frustrated but concerned. Still on his knees, he reaches for her hand. "Please…I'm trying really hard not to ask for too much here, but I need this from you in return. Just ask him to give you some time to work things out. And you can tell him you've asked the same of me."
She stares at the ground, considering, for a long time. Then, decisively, she nods.
He stares at her. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." She sees relief spread across his face and is surprised when she feels it, too.
"Thank you," he whispers, sending a quick pulse of pressure through her hand.
She lowers herself to the sand beside him and the hesitance in his smile reassures her.
Turning outward, she pulls her knees up and angles until she can rest half her back against his. He shifts obligingly, and she feels the tension in his shoulders as they meet hers. She leans her weight back, and he does the same. Propped up securely, she shuts out the horizon, closing her eyes and loosening her neck. Her head falls back, hair tickling the back of his collar. His sharp, deep breath pushes her upward just a little.
Warm and blind, she settles in for the morning.