Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran and its characters.
Title: Life Without You
Author's Note: Dedicated to muffin19 for her birthday! Enjoy!
Life without you was meaningless...
He never had been so alone in his entire life.
Never he had ever thought he will be so forlorn and yet, lonely. Hikaru's death brought a huge impact to his twin: Hiitachin Kaoru.
Cruel silence embedded the cold winter the other day. Kaoru was alone in the hospital ward. Everything was black, just like his heart had become. The scent from the antiseptic was penetrating the space that made him felt nauseous and weak. He wanted to leave this place horribly. His world had betrayed him. He had lost his other self. Without Hikaru, this world meant nothing to him.
Nothing.
Since few days ago; he couldn't even remember what date was it. Since that day, no, on that day, his twin left him. Hikaru left Kaoru; the other self left the other half, and Hikaru left Kaoru nothing other than the pain he bestowed to him. With that, it had scarred the life of Hiitachin Kaoru.
It happened too fast on that day. He couldn't recall what had happened vividly. Everything passed by like a blur. All he knew, they were walking down the street together. Hikaru's cheerful laughter brought joyous to their little universe even though the day was freezing. Kaoru couldn't help but laughed along with Hikaru. They were so alike; so closed to each other. No one could even tell which one is Kaoru or which one is Hikaru. No one could break them apart. They had pushed away everyone around them and only allowed themselves in their so called small little world.
But Kaoru knew it well, now. Their world had fallen apart. It had started to crumble from the very beginning. Destiny had decided their paths and futures. There was no more a fantasy for Hikaru and him. Their story ended here. There was only left for Kaoru to continue his story. A life of Hiitachin Kaoru. A life without Hikaru.
The next thing he knew was his self hugging the body of his other twin. Hikaru felt so light and lifeless. His eyelids were closed shut looking like he was resting into a dreamless slumber.
Time had frozen for Kaoru. Everything around him was moving in a very slow pace as though someone had stretched the time length. Or like the whole universe had stopped moving.
Kaoru felt a great lump stuck in his throat until he couldn't have the urge to make a voice. He felt so useless. He cried without tears. He watched Hikaru's life slowly ebbing away, his breathing had become slow and heavier. People surrounded them, they had called the ambulance, but it was too late for Hikaru.
Kaoru thought it must be some kind of a nightmare. It didn't happen. There wasn't an accident. They were walking down the street, lost in their own fantasy. They were laughing, fooling themselves. But, when they were walking, a car lose control and drove wildly toward them. And it was nothing then.
Kaoru wrapped his arms more tightly on Hikaru, whispering his prayers. His eyes closed tightly and it glistened with tears. His entire body was shaking uncontrollably. Blood was trickling down from his forehead and it stained his clothes.
"Kao-ru," Hikaru said while drawing his hand toward Kaoru and cupped his cheek. Kaoru shot his eyes opened and stared at Hikaru; looking completely appalled. His hands were still trembling. He couldn't see clearly behind those watery eyes. Hikaru managed a small chuckle. His golden eyes gazed into Kaoru's; the same colour as his eyes. Kaoru wandered deeper into those mysterious yellow orbs and he couldn't interpret what his other self was thinking. Kaoru wound his fingers finely around Hikaru's hand. He caressed the cold hand on his cheek, trying hard not to think what might happen next.
Hikaru smirked. His eyes slowly close down and lastly, he breathed, "I'll be waiting for you."
He drew his last breath and his eyelids were finally closed. A smile carved on his face as thought nothing had happened to him. His hand fell lifelessly from Kaoru's and that was the end of Hikaru's life.
Kaoru felt even so devastated. His hand clutched tightly on the front of Hikaru's shirt. He was shaking his head; he couldn't believe what he had seen; what he had faced right now. This couldn't be true. Wake up, he thought. Wake up, Hikaru. You must be joking. Wake up you stupid bastard. Stop pretending anymore.
But Hikaru didn't wake up.
Kaoru broke down into tears. A few bystanders approached to Kaoru, trying to pull him away from the death. An old man tapped his hand kindly on his shoulder and uttered mildly, asking Kaoru to leave the death man. Another young man tried to break the grip that clutched around the death. But Kaoru shoved them away violently. He even shouted at them. They didn't look shock as they knew something like this might happen. And it did. But Kaoru did not care. He didn't care anything anymore.
Paramedics came into their way and that was when Kaoru started to struggle. They were trying their best to help the injured man. They tried to break them apart but Kaoru was even more violent. He hit the police and even yelled once again at the paramedic.
But before he could do anything more, his head started to hurt, and the world became fuzzy to him. Everything swirled around rapidly and the next thing, he collapsed.
"I'm sorry about Hikaru."
Haruhi said to Kaoru. She was by his side since the day he was submitted into the hospital.
"Leave me alone," Kaoru spat angrily. He sat on the hospital bed; he had pulled his legs up on the bed, binding his arms around them and put his head between his knees. Truth to be told, he felt pity to himself. He looked so weak and hopeless. He could still feel the pain that stung his head. And he began to hate the nausea.
A sigh escaped from Haruhi and she patted softly on his back. She could feel all the mixed up emotions emitting from him. It was dark, despair and lonely. Her heart ached when watching the young man acting like this. This wasn't his nature. He wasn't born like this. He wasn't born as a single son. He had lost his twin.
She drew another hand, tracing her fingers finely on his back to his shoulders. Her grip tightened; she bit her lower lips for sustaining the urge for crying. She could feel him flinched a little. She wants to do something for him; at least it would help him brighten a little.
She loosened her clutched and motioned her hands down his arms. She sauntered leisurely to his front. Her eyes were staring intently with cautious at Kaoru but he was not looking at her. Haruhi held his hand but he winced and snapped her hand away with his. He muttered darkly, "I said, leave me alone."
"I just want to tell you, Kaoru," she heaved another sigh. She said, "You're not always alone."
"I don't remember having someone around me anymore," he croaked. "The world is meaningless to me now."
In a brief moment, Haruhi leapt herself toward Kaoru and her arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Kaoru looked clearly stunned. Haruhi could hear his strong heartbeats right on the other side and it made her heart throbbed.
"Treasure your life," she muffled. "Please."
She broke herself free and stood up. Kaoru was speechless. Like that, Haruhi walked halfheartedly out of the room. She couldn't bear to watch him like this anymore. Tears started to flow down in small like droplets. Her lips pressed into thin line as she cried in silence.
Kaoru tore his gaze away from Haruhi. He mumbled icily, "What I'm going to do with my life will have nothing to do with you."
She went silent.
"I hope you'll get well, soon," she choked and ambled out from the dull room.
Haruhi understands clearly at this moment; she had done her best; from now on, she could no more helps the poor fellow. What he's going to do next is his decision to make.
Day without him was torturing...
"Kaoru-san?"
"Hn," Kaoru answered back. A small but sad smile drew on his face. He had his eyes locked into a pair of beautiful amethyst eyes.
"A hand made cookies," the girl said. She added, "I hope you'll get well soon, Kaoru-san."
Kaoru graced a smile as he accepted the home made cookies from the girl; their club's customer. His mind wandered aimlessly to his surrounding; his eyes filled with bleakness.
He was still on the hospital bed, clad in the white uniform. The girl came to pay a visit to him. The other members had come too. Unfortunately, his days didn't become any better either. Even he had received tons of advices and gets well wish but to him, it didn't do him any good. To him, without his twin by his side was a pure torture.
"I- I hope you'll like it," the girl stammered nervously. One of her hands tugged under her lips as she began to be nervous. She couldn't even stand straight in front of Kaoru as though he might get angry or somewhat.
But Kaoru just replied with another smile of his and turned away from the girl. He didn't feel happy with it at all. It was not like he hated her, but he didn't find anything amusing related to the Club anymore including their customers.
The Host club had been running as usual, that what he had heard from Tamaki. Practically, Kaoru knew it well, it wasn't normal like the old time. They lost a member but still, Tamaki insisted of keeping it running like always. And they are waiting hopefully for his return to the Club as well.
"Thank you," Kaoru suddenly thanked the girl and sighed silently. He looked even sadder than usual. He couldn't deceive the eyes of the other members. Even the girl felt the same way toward him. She could see the loneliness that was written in his eyes. But like the other members, she could do nothing.
From now on, Kaoru is Kaoru. He stared to the white wall on his right. He rested his chin on his palm; looking broken-hearted.
There was no more 'which is Hikaru, which is Kaoru' game. There was no more pretending game to play with. He can't deceive others without him. He lost his joy to live.
He wants to leave this world badly. He couldn't stand it anymore.
He gave up.
Walking along the corridor right now make his mind wandered deeper that he thought he would. He could feel the pain that ache his chest. Every time, whenever he had this kind of feelings, he could sense a pang of remorse building up inside him. He would forget how to breathe and find himself gasping for air. It felt like there was an invincible rope that tied around his throat and made him suffocating.
A few interns caught a glimpse of him walking down the almost isolated corridor. They exchanged glances and the interns giggled with their mates as they strolled along the silent hallway toward their destination.
Kaoru turned his expressionless gaze to his front. He looked to the transparent glass far ahead of him and saw the cloudless sky hanging in the atmosphere like the painting in the museum.
If things didn't happen, if they weren't out that day, he could still have him by his side.
If they were fast enough, if he was more alert, Hikaru wouldn't have to jump out to save him.
If he realize it sooner, if it was he who get hit by the car, if he was the one who had to die.
He would be glad about it.
He would be happy about it.
Even thinking it right now doesn't make any different. He sighed and focused on his workings instead. He could feel the cold marble under his shoeless feet as he was climbing up the flight of stairs up to the tallest level.
He had reached to the last staircase and was now facing the wooden door in front. He wrapped his hand on the metal knob automatically and turned the knob. He pushed the door opened. There were no beings up there but just his self was enough. He welcomed himself to the rooftop. He could even laugh inwardly at his foolishness right now. He looked around his surrounding but there was nothing there except the square space.
He walked toward the farthest corner of the rooftop and stared at the orange sky as the sun still gleaming brightly in the evening.
Cold breeze collided with his soft skin and he felt his body shivering a little. The air smelt fresh and cold. He closed his eyelids just for awhile to get the feelings. Minutes passed yet he was still standing up here. Alone.
Then, he exhaled and looked down from the white building.
Moving vehicles looked nothing more like an ant to him. Good though, at least somebody will get help for him, or for his funeral the next day to be more appropriate. People will get his coffin for him. Flowers were decorating his surrounding in his funeral. People will cry for him, they grieved for his death. Yeah, that is it. He will wear his best attire in his funeral, lying inside his comfort bed into an undisturbed sleep.
It wasn't that bad. He will jump down from this building and gets what he wants. Kaoru stared longer from the white building dwelling into deep thoughts.
Sighing, he slid down against the concrete. He found his arms hugging himself and his body was shaking a little. He didn't know if he could do it. This was not a joke. Not at all.
"Onii-chan," a voice called for him. He held up his head, just a little. He saw a little girl, clad in scarlet dress. She wore a red hat. Her smile was sweet. But he was curious, what a little girl doing up here in the 13th floor?
Kaoru assumed she must be around in the hospital. Maybe she was a patient in there just like him.
She asked, "Daijobu?"
Kaoru smirked. He was facing the little girl. His trembling hand unconsciously reached for her face and he cupped it, tracing his thumb carefully on her rosy cheek. He replied softly, "I'm okay."
"Onii-chan," her small hands clasped around his wrist. "Nakanaide."
"I won't cry."
'If you can guess which one of us is Hikaru or which one is Kaoru, we will play with you.'
"So, do you want to play?"
She nodded.
"Can you guess which one is Hikaru or which one is Kaoru? Onii-chan will play with you."
"Onii-chan wa onii-chan," she smiled. "Daremo iranai."
Kaoru looked astounded but he returned weakly, "So you mean only me is enough?"
She nodded and closed her eyelids. Kaoru smiled even more but the gap in his heart became deeper. What the girl said was true, mostly. People should move on.
But, he couldn't continue to be alive in this world anymore. A world without Hikaru was like hell to him.
"Waratte ii no?"
He closed his eyes shut with his hands wrapped around his knees. He didn't know if he could do it. Suddenly, he could feel a pair of warm hands made contact with his cold ones.
"Nakainade," she said it again. Her anxious eyes gazed worriedly at Kaoru in his state right now.
Kaoru opened his eyes. He breathed evenly and looked to nowhere but the girl in front of him.
He stood up silently and faced the horizon ahead. The sun was setting down.
Just a little courage will do. Everything will end very soon.
He turned his gaze back to the little girl. His eyes were empty. Blank. The girl looked merely about five years old to him. She looked such vulnerable. It reminded to him when he was little.
He heaved a sigh and said to the little girl, "Go and find your mummy."
"Okaa-san wa inai."
Kaoru bent down and patted her head, "Be a good girl and go and find your parents. They must be worrying sick right now."
The little girl returned with a sad face but she caressed her cheek on the back of his cold hand.
He stoked a few strands of her black hair and said almost like a whisper, "anyway, he is waiting for me. I must go and search for him."
Kaoru stood and loosened his other hand from the little girl clasped. She was still looking him with the worry expression. His jaw tightened and he turned away from the girl without a sound and climbed up on the concrete. He could feel the cold cement under his feet as he stood on it while he looked down from the up most building. He gulped. It must be a long way down.
He smiled sincerely and turned to the little girl. His back was facing nothing at his behind except for the empty air. The girl smiled back and Kaoru took one step backward. Then, he took another and whispered, "...Arigatou..."
And everything turned black once again...
The End