Chapter 1
April 15, 1913
I was sitting in my rocking chair, facing the window, sewing a set of dresses for a customer. I was thinking of my life and how things had changed so much. I thought about The Titanic and about Rose. I thought about Cal and could feel the anger I harbored for him resurface "That putrid bastard!" I silently said to myself. I hated him for what he put Rose through, but I hate myself more. Because of my need to keep my status, my daughter is gone. A daughter that I long for. Oh what I wouldn't give just to hug her, something I never done.
I thought about everything that happened aboard that doomed ship. "Why did it have to be that way?" I silently asked myself, or so I thought.
"What?" Bonnie, one of the other women of the house, asked.
Startled, I dropped a dress on the floor. "I am just thinking of some things."
"Oh ok!" Bonnie replied as she sat back in her chair, "Ruth, you really shouldn't talk to yourself, it makes you look crazy."
I stood up and laid the dresses down in the chair. Placed one hand on my hip and one up to my throat. I couldn't believe she said that to me "I am not crazy!" I hissed. "I was simply thinking out loud!"
Bonnie stood up and placed both hands on her hips "Well... Don't... Don't use that tone of voice with me!" she snapped back at me.
"I will use whatever tone I desire. I am Ruth DeWitt Bukater!" I sometimes forgot that I'm no longer a woman with money and used my snooty tone.
Bonnie let out a cackling laugh "DeWitt Bukater.. The woman who let her own daughter get away.. the woman who tried to marry her daughter off for money.."
I not only heard Bonnie, but felt her words and they hurt. I felt my heart beat faster and tears formed in my eyes, daring to spill. I felt frozen in place and couldn't find any words for rebuttal. I stood there staring at Bonnie.
"Ah, why ya so quiet, Ruth DeWitt Bukater? Did I hurt your feelings?"
I wiped the tears away that were now falling, trying to hide my hurt. "I.. I.. I got to go..." I slowly turned around and ran for the door.
I stopped outside the house and leaned against the fence wiping my face, not caring who saw me. I hated Bonnie and I hate my job. I hate living here with such rude, obnoxious and heartless people. Most of all I hate myself. "I did this to myself." I cried into my hands. I used to be everything that I hate now.
My mind went back to Titanic, the day after Jack saved Rose from falling into the water. Oh how I had despised that gutter rat then. I was judging him before he ever opened his mouth. "That boy is going to ruin everything. He isn't rich enough for Rose." I remembered thinking. "He might be wearing a suit he stole.." I cursed myself. Little did I know that I would like him.
I knew when Jack and Rose had came to dinner, that he already loved Rose. I could see it on his face. Cal had never looked at Rose the way Jack did. I kinda liked Jack, but I couldn't let Cal or anyone else know that. They would have kicked me down to third class with him.
Jack was a bright young man and had a will to live, after losing everything he loved. He had a wild side, and it kinda scared me. Rose had a wild side too, but kept it suppressed for the most part. "He can love Rose, but can he provide for her?" I had asked myself that night.
After that dinner, everything changed. Rose seemed more alive. Her eyes were shining and she had a smile from ear to ear.
Rose sat in front of her vanity, brushing her hair. She looked at me through the mirror and smiled a smile that lit up the room "Mom, I think I love him!"
I knew who she was talking about, but played like it was Cal that she was referring to. I wanted to hug her and tell her that I was happy for her, but I couldn't. All I could do was nod and smile back at her. "Why didn't I hug her?" I asked myself.
I wanted to tell her that it was ok for her to love Jack. I wanted to so badly, but Cal, he was such a bastard and he would do everything in his power to make sure they weren't together. I wanted so many times to tell her that they should leave the ship together, but I couldn't.
The night of the sinking when Jack and Rose came to warn us, I was so happy inside seeing them together. I knew he didn't steal the necklace but was too afraid to say anything that would help him.
When Rose was beside me in the lifeboat, I was trying to keep her there and safe. When she jumped back onto the ship, I was screaming for her to come back. I felt my heart shatter in a way that I never knew was possible. It was Molly Brown who tried to comfort me. She was telling me that Rose was smart and tough, that she would make it. "Molly, she's gone back for Jack..." I said through tears that were burning my cheeks. I hadn't even noticed the cold night air, the air that was practically freezing everyone else. My eyes burned and my heart was hurting. I wanted to save Rose, but by the time I realized it, the lifeboat was too far away from the ship. We begged the people to go back, they refused and told us all to shut out mouths.
Two hours had passed when the Carpathia arrived. I still wasn't feeling the cold, as I was lost in thought. I was thinking of my daughter and how the Ocean had taken her for its own. I wanted to be with her, to tell her that I was sorry and that I loved her. I never did anything with her that a mother should do. Grief and my guilt were overtaking me. Regret. I regretted everything that happened. I wanted so badly to turn back time and save my daughter and Jack.
Molly didn't leave my side, but for a few times on the Carpathia. "Why didn't I accept that she loved Jack, a poor man?" I remembered asking Molly.
Molly gently placed her hand on mine "Ruth, I don't know..." she sighed. "Maybe you were afraid that Jack couldn't take care of Rose and give her everything."
I thought about what Molly had said: "I lost the one thing that meant anything to me and I treated her as a ticket to my happiness." I slightly frowned and felt more tears spill. "All for what?... Money.. a big house.. priceless decorations..." The guilt was eating me alive.
"Sometimes things happen, tragedies happen and they teach us something, Ruth," Molly said to me in a calm voice wiping the tears from my cheek.
Cal only spoke of Rose once and that was to call her a whore and say she has his necklace. I was furious with him. I was too afraid to act upon my anger, for fear I might say or do some very unladylike things.
The day Carpathia arrived in New York wasn't like any other day. I felt alone and like I was slowly dying of a broken heart. I hailed a taxi and went to the train station, alone. I got a seat on the first available train and headed home. The big house never seemed so empty, even though there was stuff everywhere. I stood in the entrance way and looked around, it was so empty. "Trudy... I'm home..." then realization hit me and it knocked the breath out of me. I stumbled backwards and again cried. Trudy was gone. Rose was gone. Everyone was gone.
"Poor Trudy" I cried to myself. "Why was I ever so demanding and rude to you?..."
No sooner than I had made myself some tea, was someone knocking at the door. "Who could that be?" I asked myself, catching myself calling for Trudy. I set my tea down and headed for the door.
"Lovejoy!" I stammered. "Wha.. what are you doing here?"
He gave me a cold look and growled his words at me "Mr. Hockley, Nathan Hockley wishes to see you at your earliest convenience."
He turned and walked away before I could reply. I wondered why he'd want to see me so soon, I had only been home about an hour or so. Then I remembered, "Rose is gone..." Oh, how my heart hurt every time I thought of her.
I was in no rush to visit with the Hockley's. I needed Rose. I walked up to her room and opened the door. Everything was as she left it. Her brush was on the vanity, with some of her hairs still in it. Her bed was still a mess. "You never did like to make your bed." I smiled as I ran my hand across her pillow. "I am so sorry, Rose."
I felt my heart pound faster and faster as I opened up the top dresser drawer. Her diary was in it. I couldn't bring myself to open it. "This is full of her thoughts, maybe I should..." No. I couldn't read it. "What if she has some bad things in here about me?". I put it back and closed the drawer.
I looked around a bit more and found a letter to Cal. She hadn't finished it. It read:
Cal,
I don't want to marry you! I only agreed so my mom could keep this big house full of useless stuff and so you could pay the debts my father left. I don't think any of this is fair! I should be able to marry who I want. I want to marry for love, not for money! I don't like this and I hope my Mother will realize this before we get married. I love my mother but ...
I felt more guilt and it was stinging in the pit of my stomach. "She loved me!" I was trying to smile. She never told me she loved me.
I placed the letter in my pocket and left her room. I closed her door back and went to my room to rest. I was startled awake by banging on the front door. I got out of bed and hurried to the door.
I opened the door to Nathan and Cal Hockley. "I don't have..."
Cal rudely interrupted me and stuck his hand out to me "let us in, we have something to discuss with you."
I tried to protest, but Cal was inside before I could.
"My father knows about, Rose." He said with those dark, cold eyes.
"No need to be a jackass, Caledon! Where are your manners?" Nathan harshly said.
Cal dropped his face towards the floor, he wasn't as tough as he thought he was. I watched him in amusement as he was cowering down like the coward he is.
"Shall we go to the parlor?" I asked as I walked away, not caring if they followed or not. These were the last two people I wanted to see right now.
Nathan cleared his throat as he took a seat on the chair near the fireplace. "Since Rose is gone, I can't help you any further." He wiped his face "I am sorry to hear about, Rose, really I am."
"I understand that Rose is gone, but please..." I was trying to plead with him but he cut me off.
"You'll have to sell your house and belongings if you want to pay off your late husbands debts, I'm sorry." He got up to leave, grabbing Cal by the shoulder "I'll deal with you when we get home."
I sat there in silence, staring at the walls. I tried hard not to think about anything. I fell asleep and dreamed of Rose that night. I woke up looking for her, only realizing again that she wasn't there.