(A/N) Crack. It made me happy. Disclaimer: ...lawbending? ...Please don't sue.
"Tophhhh..." Sokka fidgeted.
Sokka's ability to whine had always impressed Toph a little - she had never quite gotten that one, despite the fact that 95 percent of the decisions her parents made concerning her were, in her own humble opinion, manufactured entirely out of shit. But his success in the field was beginning to get on her nerves, and the echo of the vast stygian chambers was not nearly as awesome as it had been when Sokka had first announced their entrance, 'Make way, overdone architecture. We come in peace, but we know where our weapons and uber rock tearing powers are at. Just a warning.'
His more recent and much higher pitched comment of, "My arm hurts," was not nearly as entertaining upon its return from the cavernous halls. Particularly not when she also had to feel it resonate through the entire freaking building. It ping ponged back and forth for what seemed like a minute straight.
She growled and said, "That doesn't even make sense, you're not the one holding it up."
"But it's been in the same position for a really long time!"
"Would you quit, this was your idea!"
"Yeah, no part of my original vision involved me encased in a big stone block!"
He was exaggerating, of course. It was more like a big stone mold. And she had peeled off the parts she was already done with.
So now he just looked like a big, scary half-rock monster. Instead of a big, scary whole-rock monster.
...No blocks involved.
"Well how else am I supposed to see what you look like?"
"... I could do a little dance," he offered, position shifting as much as it could, as though he were testing to see how much range of movement he could get in his new threads if she actually agreed.
Toph wasn't usually one to refuse Sokka's offers for him to do a little dance, because that was, no matter the situation, always worth it (and given a certain situation sometimes even more so, were he, for instance, hogtied to a spit intended for roasting over the gigantic cooking pit of a tribe of displaced firebending cannibals, begging to be let down) but...
"Just hold still, I'm almost done!"
She brushed her hand in a certain way and the result was the both of them bursting into snickers.
"This is so much better than I ever even envisioned," Sokka admitted.
"Damn right," Toph asserted.
An inhuman noise sounded from the east hall.
Which turned out to just be Katara, being appropriately offended.
"What do you two think you're doing?" The words all mushed together and the tone spoke volumes about the terrible price of the day, the somberness of the occasion, the agony of international politics, and how much dealing with those things totally sucked.
"Um," Sokka glanced at Toph for help, but she was far too busy biting her lip and carefully skimming rock simultaneously off both of his right thumbs, so he angled his neck uncomfortably back towards Katara and tried, "Art?"
Katara was tired. The kind of tired that only sets in about an hour after the high of saving the known world wears off. When she tried to bend, the water briefly reared to give her a disdainful, pitying look, then swished lazily back into a puddle. When she attempted to form complete sentences, strange, inexplicable phrases came out of her like 'preace teaty' and 'human rice vilations'.
And when she tried to comprehend why in the hell Toph and Sokka were busily sculpting statues of themselves into the Fire Lord lexicon, her brain proceeded to peel itself, in a big curly mess, out of her head, and lob stickily at her throat in a halfhearted attempt to strangle her - because, really, there was only so much abuse it could take in one day.
"What was... the first thing on the list?" she circled Sokka and took the opportunity to grab his collar while he was still immobile, eyes flashing dangerously.
He could've sworn she didn't really seem all that surprised.
But he also could've sworn he saw numbers ticking down in her pupils...
The list Katara was referring to was something the gang (particularly everyone but Toph and Sokka) had drawn up in the nervous and bored hours the night before the fight. Entitled - 'What Not To Do Once We Win'. Aang had intended it to be a morale boosting, rosy-eyed plan for the future. He suggested items like 'Take it for granted' or 'Lose touch with friends'. Somehow it had turned, with a lot of help from Zuko and even more from Katara, into a catalogue of all the even potentially entertaining things Toph and Sokka might do post-victory.
"Petty and irreverent vandalism?" Sokka was pretty sure that had ended up at the top.
He proceeded to give his best 'I know I've done something wrong, and feel really, very contrite about the whole thing, so please put the water away' look. It also involved a bit of 'you know you find it at least kind of endearing, so... please put the water away?'
"Hey, this is some of my best work over here," Toph broke off her idle humming to object only to the 'petty' part, then frowned at the way Sokka's left forearm was too long.
To be fair, the... 'works of art' weren't awful. Toph's had this nice, empowering pose, and quite frankly, the other gave both life and form to Sokka's inner spirit.
But that might've just been the gigantic face-distortingly cheesy half-moon grin, and the way both his thumbs were slung over his shoulder aimed at the collection of former Fire Lords like said Fire Lords were actually a load of fun once you got enough booze in them.
"Technically," Sokka had caught the little snicker that had escaped Katara in a snorting noise as she further examined Toph's work, and decided to go for arguing his way out, instead, "We're not really vandalizing anything."
"Yeah, we never even touched the old statues, these are just made of some rubble we pulled off of some guards," Toph added a little bit of support, because she'd successfully worked out the forearm problem with a delicate crossectioning, and was feeling generous.
"Technically, we're being constructive," Sokka gave a very clever look.
Katara smiled, and replied sweetly, "Well, I'm sure Zuko will see it that way, too. And not at all as an affront to both his culture and his heritage. Much less as reason to call you both out in an Agni Kai."
"Now you're thinking logically," Sokka gave her a condescending nudge, with his free arm.
She narrowed her eyes and tightened the fist at his collar again. Sokka deeply suspected his neck was actually getting thinner with each passing year, despite his efforts to the contrary (like fitting food items the size of his head or greater through his throat on a regular basis), and he was starting to get a clue as to why.
"Oh come on, Sugar Queen, we deserved a little fun," Toph was doing the finishing touches, and feeling pretty smug with herself. She got a devious look, and Sokka grinned and fidgeted happily, realizing exactly why it was there. "I could do one of you, next," Toph offered thoughtfully.
"What?" Katara's hand immediately went to her hair.
They so had her.
"Ah, yeah," Sokka chimed in, "Right on top of the steps, between the two rows, the war's most famous waterbender, on the firebending capitol's doorstep, come on, tell me that you don't like that idea."
Katara gave an unconvincing scoff, "That would be... well a fire hazard, for one thing!" she gestured at the primary entrance that would clearly be blocked off by such a ridiculous construction.
"Katara," Sokka said gently and with overwhelming logic, setting a hand on her shoulder, "This whole country's a fire hazard..."
Toph nodded in agreement, with a knowing, almost mystical wisdom.
Katara let out an even more unconvincing scoff, "I have no idea how you got this obsession with constantly flouting even the most non-existent non-threatening authorities, it's one of those.." she glanced at the steps, "mysteries of life..." she touched her hair again, "you know... ?"
Five minutes later, Toph was trying to work out how the hell to do her hair without making it look like a big long chunky rock helmet, "Can't I just put you back in hair loopies?" Toph complained.
"No!" Katara protested, a little too vocally, then tried to cover, "I mean..." then gave up, "no!"
Toph pouted.
"We're taking this down right after," Katara reminded them both for the sixth time. "And I'm only doing this cause you guys will only get into more trouble unsupervised..."
Sokka, staring admiringly at his statue from the floor, got sudden inspiration, "Oh, oh," he stood and circled to face the crowd of sober faced sovereigns. The one he was pointing to had a beautifully carved plume of fire erupting from his gaping jaw. Sokka waved his hand in a slow arch just above the man's head, "Fire Nation Blows."
(A/N) By Sokka and Toph's powers of persuasion combined, I am... I forget the rest but for some reason I recall it ending with a blue man and a green mullet and an urge to take pollution down to zero. Strange but fitting. You know, the earth and water kids actually kind of look like them a little. Except switched. Weird.
I'd just like to have it known that I really liked the loopies. Ah well. I guess I can like the glamorous new doo, now that I've mocked it a little.
To the list of Toph's 133t skills, such as earthbending, metalbending, polygraphing, maxed out persuasion under appropriate conditions, and of course making people feel appropriately bad about themselves, I have added master sculptor.
What?! It's how she sees!
...Didn't you ever watch that Lionel Richie video? ...Toph... had a lot of time on her hands as a kid?
The Toph (minus implausible artiste powers) and Sokka in here are pretty much entirely inspired by Artemis Rae, whose fics you should all go read now, since she does Vandalism!Tokka way better. Dedicated to her because Bumi bends with his FACE. Oh... and because swampfic had the best finale ever.