This story is a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun I wanted to do while I'm stuck in a bit of a writer's block on my real bit of fan fic . Yes I am poking fun at some stories I have read on here but it's not a hate piece so please take it in the jovial spirit it's meant
It was hot night in Merlotes when two unexpected strangers walked into the Bar , Sookie who was a telepath was having a hard night of slinging beers and rejecting strangely stereotypical drunken advances that would normally you think earn her a nice pay day if she sued for a hostile work environment suit...but anyway , yeah ...two unexpected strangers .
Bouncing over excitedly she smiled at her two new customers , one was an amazedly gorgeous man with long blond hair who she just knew must have a large penis , and the other was a toady looking man with drab cloths and tortured angst looking expression
'' Hi I'm Sookie your waitress , how can I help you today ? ''
Eric's POV
Me and Bill were out walking randomly in Bon Tomps and decided to stop at a local looking Bar , I hate Bill but for some reason I'm out with him tonight , oh well , it's not so bad to hang out with him , he makes me look good in lots of different ways , mostly that I'm better looking than him , richer than him and my penis is also MUCH larger than his .
The place was drab as I was expecting , we took our seats in the back and waited for service , I took a moment to wonder why when I own a bar am I sitting in someone else but quickly brushed the thought aside .
Just as I was getting bored I caught sight of the most amazedly beautiful women I have ever seen in my thousand years comes walking over ! , imagine that...a thousand years and only now am I finding someone who fits my definition of perfection .
She had amazedly fantastically large breasts .
Even before she opens her sweet mouth I have decided I love her and will meet my final death to make her mine and protect her ...especially from Bill who I can see is feeling himself under the table ...when did he start doing that ?
Bill's POV
I was out with Eric who I hate but for some reason we were together tonight , I hate Eric as he is better looking than me , and richer than me and his Penis is also much larger than mine ...I know as I peeked when he was in the shower one day . I try not to think about the homo erotic tension between us ...it makes me feel ...sticky .
After we sat down , I saw an amazingly pretty women walk over and ask us what we wanted , I had already been feeling myself up under the table before I saw her , as hey.. that's just how I role . But now I put some real effort into fondling my junk , I will make her mine and rub it in Eric's face .
Sookie POV
After I asked these two mysterious strangers what they wanted , I noticed I could not hear their thoughts and knew they must be vampires ...even before I had really taken the time to explore other ideas , I just knew .
The really tall amazedly tall and attractive vampire who I knew had a large penis asked for a true blood , the other toady looking vampire with a tortured soul was beating off under the table and trying to glamour me , even tho I've never been glamoured or even heard of it , I know he was trying to get me to meet him round the back for a tumble in the bushes
'' hmmpf good sir I am a lady and your glamour will not work on me , it would have been better for me to simply ignore the attempt but I'm drawing attention to the fact it's not going to work instead , and no I shall not tumble in the bushes with you , now I will just go get you true bloods , for you ''
I stalked away indignant to get the True blood we just happened to have in stock despite the fact we have never had vampires in here before
Eric's POV
Glamour did not work on her ? , what was she ? , I had already wanted to have sex with her for all eternity but now I was even more curious to find out about this sassy little firebrand who talks back to vampires like were normal people , she didn't even mention Bill rubbing one out in public , speaking of Bill I hate that he is looking at my Sookie and shall kill him soon I expect .
Bill POV
Glamour did not work on her? , what was she ? , I wanted my tumble in the bushes god damnt it ! , I had already reached the vinegar strokes on my hand shandy so I tucked away my tiny penis that was much smaller than Eric's very large penis . I would have this girl , even if I had to fight Eric who was much stronger , richer , and well endowed .
Sookie POV
I was just getting the vampires there true blood when I heard what two of the other customers were thinking .
''Look there are two vampire over there , we can drain them and sell their blood and donate the money to the fellowship of the sun who we are also members , I hate vampire so much ! ''
Ohh no Vampire drainers , what are the odd's ! , vampire drainers on the very first night we have vampire in here , what shall I do ? .
I have always hidden my ability to read minds as I don't want people to think I'm weird , but now I must act .
Walking up to the pair of vampires I put there bloods down and lean into whisper to them .
'' There are vampire draining members of the fellowship of the sun over there , I probably should have just made up some excuses about over hearing them or something but instead il tell you I'm a telepath , its most likely a huge mistake but I feel a strange draw toward you I cant explain ''
The last part I said while looking at the tall blond vampire , I tried to ignore the other one who was now wanking again .
Eric POV
A Telepath ! , my new soon to be eternally bonded lover was also a telepath , I knew then I loved her
Bill POV
A Telepath ? , I bet I could sell here to the queen , I could make lots of money , I would still try and shag her but I would also sell her , maybe I could try and seduce her and make her love me ? , yes I'm sure that would work , I should probably stop tossing off in front of her then .
Sookie POV
Both vampire were staring at me before my Vampire spoke
'' Thank you for telling me this , my name is Eric , I'm a thousand years old and a Viking , this person is Bill he's two hundred years old and a perverted tool ''
The vampire I knew now as bill spluttered at this even as he wiped his own baby gravy on the table cloth
'' I'm surly not a tool Suukeah , I am a southern gentleman who would be a much better mach than Eric who will hump anything with a pulse ''
My big tall vampire Eric stood at this point and walked over to the vampire draining scum bags in the corner , he quickly glamoured them into leaving , he also told them to go home and shove hungry rats up their butts till they died . This level of violence should offend me but as I now think I love this vampire Viking...I let it slide .
Eric's POV
'' Thank you for warning me my sweet Sookie , would you do me the honour of going on a date with me , maybe I could take your virginity ? ''
'' Why yes Eric that sounds lovely , what time shall I expect you to pick me up ? ''
'' I shall pick you up just after dark at your house , don't worry , I know where that is for some reason''
With that I grabbed Bill and flew out of the bar
The Next Day
Sookie POV
I was nervous about my date with Eric , all day I had been getting ready and trying to think about what to talk about and stuff once he got here .
I settled on a white sun dress with little red flowers , it showed off my legs and tan very nicely
There was a knock at the door so I went to open it
'' Hello Lover you look amazingly sexy tonight , shall we go I have booked out an entire restaurant for us to enjoy as I am very very wealthy ''
'' Eric , you don't have to do that , I don't want to be a kept women , money means nothing to me etc , etc ''
'' I know this my stunning valkyrie , but I only wish to worship your great beauty in private ...as you see I LOVE YOU ! ''
My amazing vampire dropped to one knee and held one hand over his undead heart , I knew he meant every word he said
Eric POV
I had to tell my little love kitten how I felt , she looked stunning in her white dress and it made my large penis ache to look at her , in a thousand years I had never met someone like her , despite that we had barely talked for ten minutes straight i knew we must be together forever .
Sookie POV
'' Oh my Viking lover , bugger the restaurant , let's go up stairs and do the nasty in my room , I've always been a chaste reserved women but now I just think we should screw ''
'' Lover I thought you would never ask , let's get down to it ''
He scooped me up with vampire speed and whisked me upstairs , soon my clothes were gone and he quickly shed his shirt and pants , my god I was spot on...he did have a massive penis
Eric POV
Hearing my external love of loves for all time and beyond ask me to deflower her two minutes into our date was sweet music to my ears , once we were in her room I got down to the task at hand , her body was sexy and amazing , she had great tits small waist and fantastic bum
Her eyes grew large at the sight of my meaty solider throbbing away , truly she had probably never seen such a penis as I had ...it was massive
Sookie POV
Soon my vampire lover and dream of my life was positioning himself at my tight virgin entrance , I wanted his cock so bad , as he pushed into me I groaned
'' Grrroooaanneedd''
There was surprisingly little vagina tearing and blood considering I was a virgin and he had a willy the size of a bakery shop rolling pin , he pounded into me with reckless abandon and I tried to keep up as best I could , each thrust just seemed deeper and deeper until I could swear I could taste the tip of his knob ...but it was great and I quickly exploded in an orgasm of gargantuan proportions , even the pain of my torn hymen did nothing to stop me getting my rocks off
When he bit me , it was like I left my body , blood loss as it turns out can be very nice ...who would have thought .
Eric POV
Sex with my angel was unlike anything I had experienced in a thousand years on earth , I had of course had sex so many times I could no longer count them , but making the beast with two backs here with my Sookie was different .
She was tight as I shafted away , she seemed to be keeping up despite her virgin status , yes indeed...she was tight
Soon I exploded into her as she also came , with a few last pumps I dumped the remaining of my gentleman's relish inside her and pulled out , that was great .
The blood I had drank from her was also top notch .
Sookie POV
After our mammoth love making session , I rolled over to play with my vampires chest hair
'' Eric that was amazing , I feel so good ''
'' Little one it is you who have made me happy , I shall bring you to my side and share all I have with you , all my vampire friends will have to be super nice to you or I will kick their heads in , will you make a blood bond with me right now ? ''
'' What's a blood bond my mighty phallic Viking ? ''
'' Well my little true one , we share our blood three times then we are bound together for all time , you will feel what I do and I shall feel what you do , then I shall make you a vampire at some point I expect ''
'' That sounds wonderful , but can I go to the toilet first I really need to deal with the blood and semen that's leaking out all over my sheets , I know now what all those women meant when they were thinking about the wet patch ''
But just as I pulled my dressing gown on there was a brilliant flash of light and then there was a very tall man with a big beard and horned helmet standing in my room , he was massive and had a crow on one shoulder and an eye patch .
Eric POV
Before I knew what was happening there appeared a huge Viking in the room , I leapt to my feat ready to defend my soon to be bonded to my final death , but before I could strike the figure began to speak .
'' Stay thy hand mine powerful cocked Viking , for I am Odin the all father and I bring thow a message from the gods , you have found your fated true love as it was foretold in some prophecy or other such thing that helps smooth out holes in the story line , you and she shall soon rule the galaxy with a fair hand , I have come to give thine godly Odin powers as enemies are approaching who seek to take thine true love fairy sex kitten from you ! ''
'' NEVER I shall never allow any to take my fairy sex kitten from me , please Odin give me the powers I shall need to defeat them and give them a good thrashing ! ''
Odin held out his hand and a thunderbolt flew forwarded and struck me in the chest , it left a mark in the shape of a winged penis with thunderbolts shooting out the end , it was the mark of Baldur the schlong guardian
'' Now great vampire Viking you shall have my power , use it well ''
Then just as soon as he appeared , he vanished in a puff of mead and goat smelling smoke
Sookie POV
What the hell ? , we were fated to be together for all time and rule the world ...that's a lot to take in ...and I'm still full of semen so I better deal with that now before anyone else show up
After I had done my business in the bathroom I came back out to find Eric getting dressed , I loved his butt it looked so yummy I just wanted to lick it like a big chocolate butt ice-cream
'' We must get ready my lover , I shall take you to my huge house not far from here and then we can have some more sex and talk about what Odin has told us ''
I was nervous but his huge house did sound nice and sex also sounded nice so I shook off the fact that a Norse god had just seen me in the buff and threw on a dress to make my way downstairs
Once we got outside all hell broke loose
Bill POV
I had called my carpet licking queen to come with all her guards so I could show her where the Telepath was , I was still hoping to get to touch her boobs but if not I would still get a stack of cash
Just as we were walking up to her old house I saw the telepath and Eric leaving the front door , DAMN I could tell he had already put his massive penis in her and I growled in outrage
''Grrooowwwlll''
Eric POV
I smelt Bill and the queen before I saw them , damn I was hoping for more time to bump ugly's with Sookie but these must be the enemies Odin was talking about .
The queen spoke first
'' Viking I want to have the sexy telepath for myself , will you give her to me or shall I order my many guards to attack and take her from you '' .
'' You shall never have my Sookie i will send you all to your final death if you try , now hop it and take Bill with you ''
'' Very well , you leave me no choice , I shall end you now , guards attack and kill the Viking ''
Sookie POV
We were surrounded by scary vampires and I was scared out of my mind that I would be taken away from my true love , but just as the vampires attacked , Eric clapped his hands and a big sword appeared out of thin air , this must be part of his new god powers I thought .
Eric swung his massive chopper and cut the heads of five vampires at the same time , the women who I now knew to be the queen began to scream and curse
'' DAMN IT , he has got Odin powers somehow , we shall never defeat him , everyone run away !''
But it was to late and Eric quickly killed the rest with another swing of his big sword , I turned around and saw a tiger leap up out of no place and try to attack me but as I held my hands out a flash of light shot out and blasted it into a hairy puddle , it seems my fairy powers had by coincidence just kicked in...so that was helpful
'' My lover you have just killed the mighty were tiger Quinn you are truly a blessing as I really hated that guy ''
'' Oh my Viking I'm so glad this is all over but what happens now ''
'' Well I think we are now the king and queen of this kingdom , I shall take you to Sophie Ann's palace and make you the mistress of the household , we shall rule and all shall bask in you great glory
'' Oh Eric , I love you and your massive cock ''
'' And I love you and your huge tits my sweet fairy ''
And so they live happily ever after for all time...well not all time as obviously time would eventually run out and even if they say lived for like a million years?...that a long bloody time , I mean the human race would probably have died OUT by that time so let's just say they lived..ohh I don't know...five thousand years? , yeah they lived happily ever after for five thousand years then when one of them did die , they both went to Valhalla...or heaven ...whichever they wanted at the time
THE END
Please feel free to review but trust me I will not be offended if you don't
Remember , this was just a bit of fun (-: