strange how certain the journey
Characters: Riza Hawkeye, Roy Mustang
Summary: In ways we accept as part of fate's decree
AN: a Royai Valentine's Day Fanfiction dedicated to CallousVulpix. Inspired by Eric's Song by Vienna Teng. Moved to this account from my old one, avaeobane.
If there was anything Roy Mustang could say about Riza Hawkeye was that he knew her too well for their sake. He could read her dark eyes like an open book and therefore he knew that she was not following him out of love. She was following him for two reasons: there was nothing else she could do with the weight of all the lives she had taken in the war for all the wrong reasons on her shoulders and because she believed in him. She truly believed that he could and would fix what had happened.
But this was not love.
He might be in love with her and marvel at the perfection of holding her for a moment but she was too focused to bother with those feelings. She had implied as much quite a few times and every time, he had chosen not to listen to her. He kept her close out of jealously because of his childish belief that if he could not have her, no one else should have her either.
Sometimes he wondered how many years had passed since that first summer day when he had seen her and when he had inevitably fallen in love for the unattainable perfection that was Riza Hawkeye.
Many years, more than a decade had passed since then and along those years, he had truly learned to understand that she had most likely noticed his feelings but that she would never address the topic because she most likely considered it improper. He was her superior after all even though he had grown to hate this label because it had created a gap between them.
When they had been teenagers, he had outstretched his hand as a symbol of friendship and while she had never openly expected it, he was not one to withdraw such an offer because it would be highly impolite.
He forgave her for breaking his heart because he had seen the way she had suffered in her youth, in the war and how she had risen from the fire that had destroyed the tattoo on her back and had set her free from the tie that had bound her to her father who had been probably one of the more dangerous alchemists because of his brilliancy and his ability to go through with something – even if it meant to ruin his daughter's back forever. But even so, she had moved on far earlier and far more efficient than him.
And she had stayed. She had always stayed with him, even when everyone else had been far gone. She had stayed when Hughes had been killed. She had stayed when his squad had disbanded after the Promised Day. When Havoc had married Rebecca Catalina, when Fuery had gotten engaged, she had been the one to stay with him.
Maybe this was the final proof of her unwavering loyalty but he rather thought that this was the proof of her fear to let go of a live that had been hers for so many years – not that he could blame her. She had been babysitting him for years after all and he would have been shocked if she had let him alone with all the ghosts of his past haunting him. But she forgave him just like he forgave her because she had seen the darkness inside of him, a darkness she was constantly fighting against by staying close to him.
In a way, they had never been this close before and as he swirled her across the dance floor at Fullmetal's wedding, he pretended for a moment that this moment would stay forever and that she would forever be his to hold and to love – even though she would probably never agree on those things. She was a proud woman and this was part of the reason why he loved her after all.
Right next to them, an unexpected sight was attracting attention but Roy could only smile tiredly at the so-called surprise of Ling Yao, emperor of Xing, dancing quite close with his bodyguard cough girlfriend cough Lan Fan who wore the calmest expression Roy had ever seen on her.
"They look happy," the blond woman in his arms stated calmly. "But it was to be expected."
"What? That the emperor would fall for his bodyguard?" Roy asked calmly.
She shook her head. "That someone like Ling would end up falling for his childhood friend," she replied calmly. "Look at him – he is content with himself and the world right now. Ever since we met him, he was chasing down his goals and wore his ambitions just as openly as we were medals and other decorations … what I mean is that he was never good had hiding his intentions." She threw him a pointed gaze. "In this point, you are a lot like him if I may say so."
"Why so formal, Riza?" he asked amused. "We have known each other for a very long time and it is rare for you to be this proper when no one else is listening."
She sighed. "Don't you think that it is improper?" she asked.
"Riza, we committed treason before … I don't think that being a little bit improper will worsen my fate," he said amused. "And we have known each other for such a long time … call me Roy."
"What makes you believe that I would do it this time?" she asked. "I didn't do it the times before."
And this was the moment when he decided to breach the borderlines she had drawn so clearly along the years because he had finally gotten tired of complete situation. His sudden idea to press a kiss onto her forehead was triggered by the way the Xingese adviser Ling had brought with him – just in case that he had to declare a war or something like this – held his young wife in his arm, treating her with the same carefulness as one might touch thin glass … and yet, there was nothing belittling in the way he held her. She was obviously his equal in spite of the gap in age and experience.
Riza did not slap him and this surprised him.
She even leaned against him as he rested his chin on top of her head and for a moment, their heart beat in perfect synch, none of them dared to beat faster than the other and so they beat quite fast, quickly approaching the mark where Roy swore that someone had to hear the drums inside their chests. He felt comfortable and cosy with her in his arms and even though he was the Flame Alchemist, this was the first moment in a very long time that he felt truly warm.
And as the music surrounded them and the golden leaves were ripped from the trees as a autumn breeze swirled over Resembool's hills, Roy Mustang realised that he had been lying to himself for a very long time. The story he had told himself, the tale of how Riza did not love him, had been a lie and deep down, he had probably known this but to protect himself and her, he had pushed this knowledge away and he started to walk in circles. Maybe it was a miracle that he had finally broke through the circle he had followed for so long and for the first time, he firmly believed that there had been a reason for all the heartache and yet, he accepted it as over, as past.
The Xingese couple dressed in the colours of all the seasons twirled over the dance floor and Roy smiled as to himself as he and Riza took up dancing again. There was no leader and no follower among them as they followed the trail of bright colours because just as before, both of them would always acknowledge the past with all the terrible mistakes they had made, the painful lesson exquisitely crafted out of the suffering of innocents but while they would always feel guilty, the guilt would no longer control them and keep them from doing what they truly wanted to do. From this point, they would live and they would never stop believing again.
As usual, their silent pact was kept simple but Roy had never wanted anything more than the simplicity of having Riza at his side – possibly forever.