A/N
First things first, this is purely for laughs. A lot of technical stuff has been left out, but for a reason.
Second point, 'Bollocks' is a term we British use for men's balls. Or in reference to something, like: That's a load of bollocks. I use the term a lot, sorry lol.
Third point (from texasbella in her own words) When you do your initial author's note on this... you have to say that your beta reports there may be mistakes still, and she fully accepts the blame, but at times I was laughing so hard I was crying, and therefore couldn't see the screen clearly. Also, do NOT drink or eat while reading.
HUGE thanks to texasbella, who beta'd this whole story in less than 24 hours. She effing awesome!
1
"There are . . . unconfirmed . . . reports . . . that Edward - sniff - Cullen . . . has been actor-napped!" The voice of the reporter all but wailed into the microphone while the TV camera panned up the full height of the hotel where the premier had been held last night, and I wanted to smile. "His family, O-M-G, his family must be devastated at the loss of him," the woman continued, which made me roll my eyes because they were talking like he was dead.
"Oh, please, he's not harmed. He's just sleeping somewhere." I bitched at the TV and then turned the channel over.
"Eyewitnesses say they saw him near the toilets around ten last night, but after that, who knows? Here's what some visitors said last night, over to you Terri . . . Terri, you're live on air, pull yourself together, woman."
Oh, that got a good laugh from me.
The 'poor' woman had her makeup running down her face like it was melting in the heat of the summer sun.
Guess what?
It was pouring down outside.
I'll post the first five chapters tonight and then updates will be a couple of times a day. It's already pre-written, so there'll be no waiting around :)