It was a dark and stormy night… but far away from the dark and stormy night was a jewel bright afternoon in Happy-Happy Land, where the bunnies hipped and hopped about happily. But none of these hippity hoppity happy bunnies were as dangerous as THE ONE BUNNY to rule them all; ONE BUNNY to find them; ONE BUNNY to bring them all and in the darkness nibble on their toes, in the land of Happy-Happy, where the lettuce lies. (This is NOT copyright infringement, and it WILL eventually lead into a Legend of Zelda plot. Trust me. I'm a crazy shaman/herbalist. I'm a shamerbalist. It's a very profitable profession. My grandmother wanted me to be a pharmacist, but fortunately I was the only survivor of a plane crash in Africa, and the natives made me their queen and taught me the ancient art of shamerbalism. I constructed a computer out of coconuts, from whence I write my brilliant tales. Let it suffice to say that I am smarter than you. Loser. Back to the story.)
So there was this bunny named Ikki-pookie-nonchow-pondu-wondu-freddy-immer-lacker-sacker-dupont-gaylord-earnest-phillipe-auguste-pretzelface-mundane-doggy-woggy-timothy-the-third III. But you can call him Pulsar 9. He was not a nice bunny. In fact, he was a VAMPIRE BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! screams of anguish and terror and fright and horror and distress and discomfort and pain and disillusionment and irritation and irksomeness and ire and woe and sadness and general unpleasantness He was pretty scary, to say the least. But to say the most, he created feelings of anguish and terror and fright and horror and distress and discomfort and pain and disillusionment and irritation and irksomeness and ire and woe and sadness and general unpleasantness.
On another line of thought, there was this kid named Link. His best friend was named Bling. He was hardcore. Link, not Bling. Bling thought he was hardcore, but he was not. He voluntarily changed his name to Bling; therefore, he is a loser. Like you. (Please keep reading, we love you, really. You're such a lovely audience, we'd love to take you home with us, we'd love to take you home.) Bling was actually working for Ikki-pookie-nonchow-pondu-wondu-fred – oh never mind!! Pulsar 9!!! Which made him a bad guy, because Pulsar 9 was an evil bunny and not the good kind of evil that inspires feelings of yummy, but you already know what types of feelings he inspires. ominous music
So Link had this nemesis who was named Ganandorf. Ganandorf was also a bad guy. The story is full of those. Ganandorf's motto was, "DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It was a good motto. It fit his style. But his personal life suffered.
Link's motto was, "Save the world, destroy the bad guys, and get ALL the girls." He had a very nice personal life. He also had a very nice sword, which helped his personal life… significantly. Ganandorf was very jealous.
Ganandorf tried to kill Link. Often. 12 times, in fact, of which we know. We're still on the fence about that gardening incident. Ganandorf also tried to take over the world, which wasn't very nice. And Link had to keep defeating him over and over again. Fortunately, Link had drugs, sex, and rock and roll to fall back on after a hard day of kicking ass and taking names. But poor Ganandorf. No one would get high with him, have sex with him, or rock out with him. Now, you might be starting to feel sorry for Ganandorf – don't. He was a whiny emo. And not just an emo, but an emo who wanted to take over the world and make the whole world emo. For any emo's reading this, pretend we said 'emu'. For a look at Ganandorf's bad poetry, click the following link. Well, actually, since we can't make a link here, just go to the bottom of the page to see it.
Anyway, Ganondorf had a new vile, sinister, destructive plot. Gasp! Well, who wouldn't, if they were him? I mean, can you really blame him? Although he did have free will, so you can blame him, actually. And no, we're not going to get into a philosophical debate here. So you can blame him. Yes. His plot. One day, while Ganondorf was bitterly gardening in his garden, singing My Chemical Romance songs and contemplating dying his hair black, when he had a thought! But then it died. Like his feelings of love for the world which, long ago, had withered within his chest like a wormy compost heap and inspired him to write bad poetry and try to take over the world. And as Ganondorf was hanging his head and contemplating how his mother never really loved him (she would have bought him that pony if she had), something leapt out of his radishes (yes he keeps radishes; all bad guys keep radishes!!!) and bit him viciously on the arm! He fell to his knees screaming: "Why me!?!?! This is just the sort of thing I would expect! My life sucks!!!" And the thing hanging from his arm, which was Pulsar 9, said: "Your face sucks!" And Ganondorf wept bitter tears. Pulsar 9 was nonplussed. He said, "I need you to help me take over the world."
"That was my idea!!! You stole it!" accused Ganondorf.
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Nuh-uh. I was very clever and thought of it all by myself. After all, I'm a hippity-hoppity Vampire Bunny, and that's what Vampire Bunnies do."
"Damn. You're right. You win this round…bunny…"
"I am Ikki-pookie-nonchow-pondu-wondu-freddy-immer-lacker-sacker-dupont-gaylord-earnest-phillipe-auguste-pretzelface-mundane-doggy-woggy-timothy-the-third III, but you may call me Pulsar 9. Or Your Majesty. Actually, I would prefer the latter."
"You want the ladder?"
"Yes, hand me the ladder."
Pulsar 9 climbed up it. "Good," he said. "Now we can talk face to face.
"Now let me explain me explain my evil plot-hole-less and perfectly sensible plan…"
Cut scene!
Link was basking in the awesomeness of his life. He was smoking opium with some hot groupie sitting on his lap, chilling with the coolest awesomest groovy people, the Indigo-Go's. If you don't know who they are, play Majora's Mask, you fool. And you call yourself a Zelda fan. For shame. He was thinking about how the smoke tasted like flowers, when Bling fell from a gaping plot hole into their midst.
"LINK!!!" He shouted in all capital letters, "Ganondorf has a new evil plot! We must stop him! Golly gee willickers, what can we do?"
Link pondered. "We need to stop him!" he finally said. It was a profound revelation. After musing some more, Link, with yet more philosophical depth said: "Evil is bad." All his groupies gasped and applauded his sheer brilliance.
Bling, who was also gasping and applauding, suddenly had a ray of thought and said, "But how?" As he said this, he was forced to dodge another gaping plot hole that suddenly appeared under his right leg. Fortunately he had quick reflexes.
"But how what?" Link asked.
"How will we stop him?"
Bling pretended to think about it. (Remember, Bling is secretly evil.) "I know!" He exclaimed. "We'll take away his evil stroking bunny!!!"
"He has an evil stroking bunny?" Link, and all the groupies, asked in unison.
"Uh…yeah. He's always had it. Don't you remember?"
"Uh…yeah…for sure." Link said. Even though he didn't. But he didn't want to look stupid. Irony!
"Well, anyways, we should steal it! He'll be useless without it! Ganondorf won't be able to formulate an evil plot unless he has an evil stroking bunny to stroke!!!"
"Who are you who are so wise in the ways of evil stroking bunnies?"
"Uh, I'm Bling. Remember? We've known each other for like, ever? Two whole days or something."
"Oh, yeah. Of course. For sure. What I meant was, how do you know all this, about Ganondorf and the evil stroking bunny and all?"
"Wikipedia."
"Oh, right. For sure."
Link, caughing from the opium smoke, exclaimed, "Thank goodness, we got the bunny!" He held it in his arms as he ran from the castle, which was collapsing behind him in a haze of multicolored smoke and lavender scented brimstone. As he ran the whole castle collapsed in on itself and started to tear away at the edges of reality, transforming into the biggest plot hole Link had ever seen. And he had seen quite a few, believe you me (No, this is not a criticism directed at the Zelda games. Curse you and your dirty mind).
Link turned to Bling, and asked, "So…what do we do with it now?"
"Well…I dunno…it sort of turned into a plot hole, so I don't know there's much we can do with it…"
"Not the castle, the bunny!"
"Oh, right. I dunno, maybe we should take it to your uber-secret good guy hideout, where you keep all your uber-secret good guy secrets! After all, it's just a bunny!" Thunder crashes
"Yeah, we should do that, before it starts raining."
Cut scene!
WARNING! What follows is extremely inappropriate, for anyone of any age. But don't fret. None of the writers know about these things from first hand experience, we only know about them from other people's first hand experiences, which would make them our second hand experiences. We recently went to college (we also recently developed Dissociative Personality Disorder, which is why "I" suddenly became "we"), and were accosted by such knowledge against our wills. So now we'll accost you with the same knowledge. HAHAHAHA SUCKERS!!!! But we are not druggie sluts. Really. And if you're two easily offended, skip to the next "Cut scene!" – where we will recap this chapter minus the inappropriate elements (which make up the majority of the chapter). Also, you needn't worry that college will make us more mature; as you can probably tell, we're as ridiculous as ever. And yes shamerbalists go to college in their African villages. It's like, totally a tradition. WARNING COMPLETE!
Pulsar 9's plan was working perfectly. He had cornered the market on red lipgloss, and purple liplgloss, and his jasmine tree was blooming nicely. As for his evil plan, that was going pretty well too. He had found himself in the uber-secret good guy hide out where Link kept all his uber-secret good guy secrets, where he immediately (if not sooner) began exploring. He soon discovered that it was going to be harder to find all the uber-secret good guy secrets than he had thought, as he was in a lair littered with rock records, drug paraphernalia, and sex toys. This was actually a rather traumatizing experience. He was enthusiatstic about the task at first , but then he nearly stabbed himself with a heroin needle, tripped over some hookah hoses, landed on a hot cocaine spoon but managed to get off before he was burned, slipped on some ecstasy pills, and landed head first in bong water (ew.)….This wasn't nearly as scarring as what was to come: After he managed to extricate himself from the bong (which was shaped like a naked zora with a micky mouse tattoo), he got tangled in a pair of fuzzy handcuffs (which were really too flimsy for use; Link kept his good pair hanging off his bedpost…waiting), found himself surrounded by a ball gag, a vibrator, and quite the impressive collection of high quality riding crops (not the cheap kind you get at sex shops), and then knocked over several bottles of flavored lube…but most disturbing, he could not find a single condom. Link, he concluded, was irresponsible.
Finally he encountered the kitchen. He hoped that this was where the mess of inappropriate things ended. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Upon opening the freezer, a he was conked with a frozen…you don't want to know what. But it was bad. And nasty. Nasty badness. Then he opened the fridge and discovered a whole slew of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers, and laxatives (Pulsar 9 didn't want to know what those were for) (and sorry for the bit of semi-plagarism, it was just sort of typed itself that way). Thoroughly and utterly appalled, Pulsar 9 hippity-hopped into a corner to cry. This was too much, even for an evil Vampire Bunny. But he must continue with his mission. He must be brave. He must be strong. He must press on. (Isn't that poetic?) (UH! Well, it's better than anything you louts could come up with…peons.) (We really do love you, really.) (Please stay. You've made it this far. If nothing else, read to the end, just so you can say you did. And then send this to your enemies so they can read it…or, if you're really sadistic, send it to your friends!!! Fun times.)
He wound his way through the halls, and opened the next door on the right, and his retinas began to bleed as they were semi-permanently scorched (the image came out after 9-10 shampoos) with the image of Link engaged in an orgy with a slew of colorful characters: A cross-dressing alien named Frank N. Furter, Abraham Lincoln's evil redheaded stoner twin, Marie Curie's ghost, the Vampire Lestat, David Bowie, Ziggy Stardust (Yes, both of them!), Mother Theresa, Sailor Venus, a little orange ottsel named Daxter, a pair of lesbian zombies, and Johnny Depp.
He woke up several days later with blood crusting his eyes. He decided to migrate to the bathroom where he could wash out his eyes with bleach, and shampoo his retinas, but upon reaching the bathroom he was prevented from doing so by the presense of Link and Hunter S. Thompson, who were tripping on 4-AcO-DMT, which is a research chemical and it was rather irresponsible of them to be doing it, but knowing them is anyone really surprised?
He concluded that he had not, and would not, find anything terribly useful, and must therefore continue on to Phase 7 3/19ths of his evil plan.
Cut scene!
Recap: Pulsar 9 explored Link's base and found nothing useful, so he decided to move on to Phase 7 3/19ths of his evil plan.
End Chapter One.
Aforementioned Bad Emo Poetry by Ganondorf:
"Poem" 1:
Life sucks
I want To die
My soul is black Like a black Piece of paper with black crayola Crayon on It
My clothes are black too like my soul and spiky
Like my soul which is also spiky
My mom Hates me
Everyone hates Me
No one has bought me a Pony
Even though I want one
Life sucks
And I deserve a Pony
And Link is Mean
He sucks too
"Poem" 2:
I like hoodies
And my hair hangs over One eye
And that makes it hard to see
So I run into Things
And people laugh
It makes my life Hurt
Because people Are cruel
I like hoodies
But not Too much
Because I hate everything
And I can't find them in the right Size
And spiky
And extra extra large
Because people like me are Discriminated against
By the clothing industry
Because they suck
Just like Life
And everything else
And Link.
"Poem" 3:
Why do I have to Be so Sad?
It's everyone Else's fault
Not mine
What did I ever Do
I have a gaping void in my soul
I wish I had a Big cork to plug it with
To plug up my Soul
I asked for one for Christmas
But No one Gave it to me
Just like my Pony
I would name it Gaylord
And use it to plug my soul
Because I didn't do anything To Deserve this
I don't understand
Why I have to Be So sad
Life sucks
Just like Link
Who sucks