Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything, I am just borrowing.
A/N: Just another POV for Smile. I'm still obsessing over this thanks to know resolution due to juggling episodes that puts them out of order! Thanks to untapd for planting the idea in my head and to gorengal for the beta.
Breaking Down
"Now it's too late," Alex stated simply. She glanced at him briefly before heading out the door. What kind of question was that? How can he ask me that after six years! Hell, how can he ask me that after all the crap that happened this past year? I had to beg the captain to let him stay on the Brady case. I trusted him enough to let him go see Brady by himself! Does that sound like someone who's worried about her career being tainted by him? Like someone who worries that he will take her down with him? She felt his eyes watching her as he followed her out of the office a few seconds after the initial shock had passed.
Before Bobby could ask her another question, Alex grabbed her phone and called Ross to let him know they had LeZard and were on their way back. She didn't want to have the conversation Bobby was going to want to have with her.Maybe I should have just reassured him. God he's so frustrating sometimes. Her emotions were still raw from the recent re-opening of Joe's case. She wasn't angry at Bobby over it. She might have been initially but she knew he was right in the end. At this moment, however, she wasn't ready to deal with his personal insecurities - especially when they involved her. She was upset that it was even an issue. She knew her words would wound him and she didn't care. If I haven't proven myself to him this past year, I'm never going to be able to do it.
By the time she finished the call with Ross, they arrived at the elevators to head downstairs and it was packed. There was no way Bobby would bring up their private conversation here. He kept glancing at Alex, worry and concern written all over his face. For a second Alex felt a pang of remorse.Why couldn't I have just said 'it's not important to me anymore' instead?
As they exited the elevator and headed to the SUV, Alex braced herself for his question as Bobby turned to look at her. She was saved by the ringing of her cell. "Eames," she answered without even checking the caller ID.
"Hey, Alex. Sorry to cancel on you but Craig's apparently come down with the flu so maybe we'll have dinner this weekend instead?" her sister Vicky asked.
"Oh sure, no problem, sis," Alex replied. "Call me Friday and let me know for sure. I'm not anxious to catch the flu, either."
"All right, I'll talk to you soon," Vicky replied. "Bye, love you."
"Love you, too." Alex closed her cell phone as she climbed into the SUV. She glanced over at Bobby and noticed he was in the process of disappearing inside his head. Great, now he's going to be depressed and it's my fault...no, I can't do this anymore. He's not the only one with problems. Alex felt as if her nerves were stretched so tight they were going to snap at any minute. She wanted to help Bobby feel better but she just didn't have it in her, even if his foul mood was mostly her fault.
They drove back to 1PP in silence. Each of them lost in their own thoughts.
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Leslie LeZard was processed and all their reports were written out and filed. Bobby and Alex only spoke when they had to and only about work. The tension between them was so thick she could physically feel it but she didn't want to deal with it. She caught Bobby watching her several times but he didn't say anything more about their brief conversation back in Leslie's office.
By the time she left for the day, she was glad Vicky and Craig had canceled dinner tonight. Even if it meant she wouldn't get to see her nephew, Alex felt relieved that she didn't have to be around others tonight. She wouldn't have been good company.
It was eight o'clock when she finally got home. Every muscle in her body ached and she felt a headache coming on. She dragged herself to the bathroom and started to run the water for a hot bath. She poured herself a glass of red wine in the kitchen and returned to the bathroom and stripped off her clothes. Settling herself in the water, she turned off the tap and leaned back, letting the heat of the water ease the tension in her back and shoulders. I just need to relax. Stop thinking about Bobby and the job and... Her cell phone started ringing on the counter by the sink.
She glared at it, willing it to stop. It didn't. She stood up and reached for the phone. The caller ID read 'Bobby.' NO! I'm done for the day. I can't do this. She placed the phone back on the counter, picked up her glass of wine and sat back down, feeling the warmth of the water envelop her once more. After a few more rings it stopped. Good. I'm sorry, Bobby, but I just can't deal with this now.
Her relief was short lived. A few minutes later her cell rang again. As she sipped her wine she debated whether it was more aggravating to ignore him and let him call over and over again or just answer it and be done with it. During her debate, the phone stopped ringing again. Alex sighed as she put her wine glass down and raised herself up on her knees to get the phone. No messages. Stop it, you're letting him get to you. Just ignore it. She turned her phone off and put it back on the counter.
Downing the rest of her wine rather quickly, she sat back in the tub. All she wanted was one night where she didn't have to think about work or her partner or anything else except making herself feel better. The wine was helping her relax and the warm water seemed to be washing away the tension of the day. After a half hour of this, her stomach growled, reminding her she hadn't eaten anything since lunch at one that afternoon.
Reluctantly, Alex reached for a towel and pulled out the plug. It was getting cold anyway and her hands and feet resembled prunes now. She dried herself off and got dressed. Tonight would be a good night for pizza, she thought.
She retrieved her phone and turned it back on. No messages. The guilt kept gnawing at her. NO! He's a grown man and he can take care of himself.
Before she could make a call for the pizza, there was a knock at her door. Damn it! I should have answered the phone. She knew it had to be Bobby. Peering through the peephole, her guess was confirmed. There stood one Robert Goren, fidgeting nervously and holding a large pizza from her favorite pizza place.
Well, your car is in the driveway and the lights are on in the house so he knows you're home. He's not going away until you answer the door. She rubbed her face with both hands. After a few seconds she opened the door and before she could say a word, Bobby pushed past her to the kitchen. Great. He's not going to make this easy.
She slammed the door shut and followed him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I brought you dinner," Bobby said as he put the pizza on the table and turned to face her wrath.
"I don't recall asking you to bring me dinner." Despite her anger at his intrusion into her thus far relaxing evening, Alex's stomach growled loudly as the aroma of tomato sauce and pepperoni filled the kitchen.
"But apparently you are hungry," he said.
Alex blushed and silently cursed her body's betrayal. Her embarrassment fueled her anger. "Bobby, you can't just barge into my house and..."
"I figured since your sister canceled dinner..." He shrugged and looked at her with those 'puppy dog eyes' that normally broke down most of her defenses when she was angry at him. Tonight it seemed to just aggravate her.
"So you thought you'd just barge in here with no warning and you..."
"I...I tried calling but...you wouldn't answer your phone," Bobby interrupted her. He seemed surprised and concerned that she was still angry.
"That should have been a clue, don't you think?" Alex snapped.
Bobby looked absolutely miserable. "I'm so sorry for everything."
That did it. All the pent up frustration, resentment and pain from the past year pushed Alex beyond her limits. It was a terrible year. Captain Deakins' departure, her kidnapping by Jo Gage, the Wiznesky suicide, Bobby's mother's illness, his pushing her away, his brother's reappearance, his mother's death, the Mark Ford Brady case and his connection to Frances Goren, and the reopening of her husband's case all came crashing down on her at this very moment.
Wordlessly she turned away from Bobby as tears welled up in her eyes.
"Eames?" Bobby said softly. Concern, fear, sadness, need and panic were evident in his tone. The last time she turned away from him was after his melt down at Thanksgiving.
"I'm tired, Bobby. I can't do this anymore," she said, her voice sounded flat and monosyllabic as her tears began to flow freely.
"You can't do what? Be my partner?" He sounded panic stricken. "Alex, please, I..."
"No. I can't deal with your insecurities right now." Alex took a deep breath and composed herself. "You should go now, Bobby." She felt herself starting to unravel and the last thing she needed was Bobby witnessing her collapse. God, I'm breaking down in front of him. Is that what he was afraid of when he pushed me away?
He approached her slowly and she was unaware of his movement until he was right in front of her. "Alex...what's wrong?" His voice sounded calm but she could still hear the underlying fear and insecurity.
"You're not the only one who gets to set boundaries on what is acceptable to discuss in this relationship!" Pushing past him, Alex moved towards the living room.
"Alex, wait..." Bobby called after her.
"Back off!" Alex yelled over her shoulder. She knew the words would wound him as they wounded her when he said them several months ago. It scared her that she could so callously hurt him like that. What's happening to me? She sat on the sofa and covered her face with her hands.
While her words may have slowed him down, they didn't stop him. Bobby followed her into the living room and after a moment's hesitation he sat on the coffee table across from her. "I'm sorry, but I can't do that," he said. "You're too important to me. I have to fix this!"
Alex shook her head. "You can't fix everything!" She removed her hands from her face and glared at him. "If I'm so damn important to you you wouldn't have pushed me away! You would know that I don't care about making captain. You would know how I feel about our partnership...about you. You would know how much I need you too! You would know...you...you..." her voice finally failed her as she began to sob uncontrollably.
Bobby reached out to her but she pushed him away and curled up on the sofa, wrapping her arms around her legs and pulling her knees up to her chest. He just can't leave anything alone! As soon as that thought entered her mind, Bobby moved over to the sofa and pulled her into an embrace despite her protests.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," he said softly. He held her tightly to him until she finally stopped trying to push him away. After a few moments she relaxed in his embrace.
"I...I'm...s...sorry..." she sobbed, resting her head on his chest. I...I'm...so...so...tired...I was...I just...wanted...I wanted you to...to..."
"Shhh, it's okay, you don't have to explain," he said as he gently rubbed his hand up and down her back. "I guess I'm...feeling insecure because of the way things have been...this past year with everything...between us. I'm not used to...to not knowing what you're thinking...or how you feel. It used to be so easy with us, you know?"
Alex nodded and then surprised Bobby by climbing onto his lap. She slid her arms around him and closed her eyes, laying her head on Bobby's shoulder as her sobs subsided. "I...I missed you," she said.
"I missed you, too," he said softly.
They sat there for a while in silence, taking comfort from each other until Alex's stomach growled once more. She groaned.
"So...how about some pizza?" Bobby asked.
"Sounds like a good idea. I can't be self-righteously indignant or share a tender moment with my stomach interrupting."
They both chuckled but Alex didn't move.
"Uh...Alex?"
"Bobby?"
"We have to get up if you want the pizza."
"Promise we can come sit here like this after we eat?"
Bobby smiled. "Anything you want."
The End
A/N: Okay, that's it. I think I've got the whole Smile thing out of my system now. Will get back to Defining Moments and A Charmed Life again unless the writers of LOCI throw another hand grenade into my life. LOL