What the actual hell has my life become? Alright, so it was never normal but it was believable at least.

Up until the whole showdown between every criminal who wanted to take Falcone's place, that is. I mean, the overly-cheery, creepy couple taking homeless kids was honestly predictable. Also, easily escapable. The absolute rush of clawing that guy's eye out had to be the highlight. I had been waiting for an opportunity to use my claws.

I usually use guns now since I have easy access, thanks to my Boss. He was an alright guy sometimes, mostly a dickhead and kinda creepy, but still fine to me at least. He's actually the one who put me in this situation, and not even my claws can get me out.

I'm officially his confidant.

And I'll tell you what, he's got some weird-ass demons.

Especially with Ivy Pepper sneaking around the club. Well, I let her of course. I couldn't leave her on the streets after already crashing Barbara's apartment. No one knows... except Butch. He doesn't say anything though. He and Ivy bonded or something cause now he helps her out with whatever. Like that jungle she's growing in the storage closet that opens into the alley. That girl's really weird with plants. She took the vegan thing a little too far if you ask me.

For the first couple of weeks, she was fine. She stayed quiet, didn't leave the room with people around, so genuinely well-behaved. Then she saw my Boss, and looked a little too hard at The Penguin. She started planting different seeds in the same hole in the ground and cutting seeds in half to fuse with others. Eventually she grew this freaky super plant and collected from it. After a couple of days, she had a small bottle filled with pink liquid and put a cork in it that said "drink me" across the top.

Weird as it sounds, the "King of Gotham" is a super fucking dork. He read Alice and Wonderland as a kid and let his better judgment fly out the window. He downed the whole bottle and looked around excitedly, expecting, I don't know, a miniature door he was supposed to shrink to fit in? Needless to say, that didn't happen. Just as he was figuring out "hey, I'm in a position of power now and shouldn't drink some random potion laying around," he fucking passed out.

Like, he didn't even try to catch himself. I almost made the sound effects of a tree falling over. I didn't though; I didn't want him to hear me and have him sore at me.

I walked over to him after a couple of minutes, careful not to let my boots clunk too hard on the polished floor. I crouched down next to him and grabbed his face just enough to squish his cheeks together. He didn't even flinch. 'Like a rag-doll,' I thought to myself.

"Is he out?," Ivy's whisper broke the edge in the air.

"Yup," I answered simply. I stood up and looked around for Butch or Gabe. Not even the nameless "henchmen" were around. I tried to keep the annoyed growl in my throat but only Ivy was around. I stared at the decadent ceiling for a minute, nostrils flared. If I didn't pick him up, I wouldn't know what would happen. I didn't like that thought.

I grabbed the bottle and almost hit Ivy with it. She smartly took it away from me. I hooked his arm in the crook of my elbow and pulled him for about a yard before he slipped through.

"Oh, be serious," I mumbled aloud. Ivy apparently left, because her footsteps echoed until she was behind me. I turned around to see the lovely Butch and Gabe trailing behind her. I'll never understand why big burly men are so fond of her. They even brought her candy sometimes. I don't know.

"Mr. Penguin needs a nice, long rest, don't you think?," she turned to Butch. Butch nodded. He and Gabe picked Boss up by the shoulders and dragged him down the hall to his room. One of his dress shoes slipped off and I hastily grabbed it, following them in. He had a surprisingly modest room with no windows, but it had a door to his own bathroom. He had a full bed at least. 'Not a king?,' A silly voice remarked in my head.

"Thank you, Boys," I patted them both on their shoulders and they oh-so slowly left the room. The door clicked shut and I took off his other shoe, putting the pair away in his special spot. I thought better of it than to take off his suit, preferably to not scar my mind further. I prayed to God no one would come in and see my next act.

I climbed up on the bed and sat right behind his head, careful not to sit on his pillows. Hey, I may be working towards taking his place eventually, but nobody deserves someone sitting on their pillows, no matter how tacky they are.

I snaked my arms around his torso and tugged him towards me until his head was level with the pillows. The back of his head was in the middle of my chest, but at that point I didn't care. I slipped out from under him and dragged the covers over him.

'The things I do for this lune,' I shook my head at the sight before me. He had that dumb smile on his face and his hair was sticking up in that classic Penguin way. It was kinda depressing how sweet he looked sometimes.

I had my hand on the doorknob, slowly turning it open, when the weirdest noise broke the soft silence. It was kinda like a snore but it was like a.. squawk. I bit my lip to stop the giggles bubbling within me and slipped out of the room.

A smile split my face until I saw Ivy and remembered what just happened. I walked to her quietly.

"What the hell did you give him?," I almost growled out but kept it a soft whisper.

"Well," she started in that sickeningly sweet tone that she used on men. God, I hated that tone. "He's The Penguin, right?"

I gave her a stern look. The sweet persona faltered.

"I just... thought it'd be funny," she mumbled to the wall.

"What would be funny?," I kept my gaze strong and pressing. My mind was racing of any kind of poisons I could think of. He wasn't dead. He wasn't. 'If she's ruined this for me, IF I'VE BEEN SUCKING UP FOR NOTHING-'

"If he," she gestured vaguely, "...was a penguin."

AN: ch2 tomorrow.