It's 2018 and Mystery Inc. is fresh off their latest mystery; the case of the small town cereal killer. The villain had been going around to local homes and raiding pantries searching for and then eating all brands and types of breakfast cereals. It wasn't that challenging of a mystery, it was just a fat kid with a hankering for milked down corn flakes.
Soon after solving the mystery, the gang decided to take a trip back to their hometown of Coolsville for the weekend to visit their families. All was well until the mystery machine started slowing down. Although the engine was still running and working well, the van came to a complete stop in the middle of the road.
Daphne yells, "Oh no I think something is wrong!"
After hearing this, Fred turns with a look of disgust and annoyance and says, "No fucking shit Daphne what was your first hint? You should solve mysteries or something because nothing gets past you."
"Like, guys, let's not get angry here, remember we are a team," says Shaggy in an effort to restore peace as he takes another hit off his bong.
Velma being the know it all that she is, decides to get out and search for clues as to what happened.
"Jinkies", she exclaims as she notices a possible hint.
"It appears the thingy under the metal flap in the front and the stuff under the van has stopped working which is odd because the big thing that makes it run is still activated. My expert analysis is that the mystery machine is shot and will not run another foot."
"Great! We will never get home now and it's almost dark! How am i supposed to sleep in gross nature?" Daphne cries.
Shaggy looks up from his bong in amazement of the stupidity he just heard and through the cloud of smoke he utters "Like, we're in a van, man. There's no fucking nature in a van."
From outside the van Velma hollars, "it's okay Daphne! We can share a sleeping bag and cuddle in the back!"
After not receiving any sort of a response, she goes back to troubleshooting the van.
Between Daphne crying about being stranded, Velma mumbling about possible things gone wrong, Shaggy smoking pot and Scooby bitching about food with that speech impediment that nobody can understand, Fred says "Oh wait, wait guys I forgot to hit the gas pedal."
"Row rut a rum ass" Scooby whispers to Shaggy as the gang gets back on the road and finishes the final twenty feet to the driveway of Fred's house. As they roll into the driveway, relieved they made it the rest of the way, they are greeted by Fred's father standing on the front porch.
"Saw you guys had car trouble, I'm glad you made it here okay. I thought for sure the van was done for when I saw it roll to a stop. I bet the thing under the metal flap in the front and the stuff under the van stopped working didn't it?"
Scooby-Doo hops out of the mystery machine through a cloud of smoke and tears and says "no, rour ron ris rust a rum ass."
The rest of the gang soon emerges from the van. Daphne is still crying like a bitch and Velma is making excuses as to why she was wrong. Shaggy is passed out in the back and Fred is still giggling about forgetting to hit the gas pedal. The gang goes inside for a home cooked dinner of Taco Bell tacos and Papa John's pizza prepared by Fred's parents. The meal is delicious and the gang has a great time being back home and spending time with family. It starts getting late and the gang all leaves for the night, walking to each of their own neighboring homes.
"Thank God", Fred thinks when they finally leave. "I have to shit something awful."
He goes into the bathroom and plops himself down on his toilet and let's it all loose. The shit was explosive and relieving and as Fred turns for the toilet paper, his worst nightmare becomes a reality. The toilet paper is gone. There's none on the spool and none under the sink. The thirty-six roll value pack stored in the closet has been completely cleaned out, leaving just the Charmin Ultra plastic wrapping of disappointment behind. Fred yells for assistance and his father rushes to the master bathroom to grab one of the rolls from there. He whips open the closet and sees the horror; his bathroom has been cleared out as well. After wiping with coarse paper towels, Fred investigates the situation. After seeing multiple muddy footprints leading into each bathroom and straight to the closets followed by a long shit smear, Fred, being the genius mystery solver that he is, comes to the conclusion that someone stole all the toilet paper from his home.
In a rage, Fred storms out to the street, sticks his head in the air and hollars "Mystery Inc. assseemmbblee".
Suddenly, all members of Mystery Inc. drop everything they're doing and run out to the street. Scooby ran through a brick wall, Velma knocked over all the books in her home library, Daphne messed up her mascara and Shaggy spilt his weed everywhere. Once circled up, Fred informs the gang that they have a new mystery on their hands and fills them in on what happened. The gang decides to rest on it tonight and to get a fresh start on the case in the morning.
Morning comes and brings a new day. The sun is shining, birds are chirping and all is well in Coolsville. Shaggy gets up for the day after getting higher than the heavens themselves the night before. Naturally, he has to shit so he goes into the restroom, plops down on the toilet and pushes it all out. Once finished, he reaches for the paper but grabs nothing but the cold metal of the bar where the plush paper once was. Shaggy being the pot head loner that he is, lives by himself so has to yell for help. Nobody hears him so he has to wipe his ass with his socks. Unfortunately that's the only pair he brought so he had to put them back on. When about to leave, Shaggy noticed paw prints in shit leading to the doors. Immediately, he suspects Scooby so storms out of his house to confront him.
"Scooby fucking Doo! LIke, get your hairy ass out here, man!" He yells at Scooby-Doo's front door.
Pissed off, Scooby comes to the door and says "Rut Raggy?"
"Like Scoob man, you stole Fred and I's toilet paper you piece of shit with legs. I found your paw prints and Fred found your trail of diarrhea with smear marks from your tail!"
"Ruck off Raggy rou rook rike a rumb romeless ran rho ralks rike a raggot rand rour facial rair rooks rike rhild pubes."
"Wow good one Scooby-Doo wish I could fucking understand you. I know you did it man because you like shit. I see you sniffing ass and licking your own poop all the time."
"Rhat's it!" Scooby yelled as he attacks Shaggy with a nasty throat punch. Shaggy sees the blow coming and dodges it by a mere inch and comes back with strike of his own and hits Scoob with a roundhouse kick to the face. Scooby takes it like a champ and fires back with a dangerous uppercut that knocks the cocaine right out of Shaggy's nose. The fight continues for minutes before Fred just happens to look out the window. Fred picks up the phone and calls Velma.
"Haha, hey Velma look outside there's two dipshits playing tag in the street."
"Those aren't dipshits, Fred, that's Shaggy and Scooby and I think they may be fighting, I can't tell there's just a bunch of flailing."
They get off the phone and rush outside and hear Shaggy and Scooby yelling random cuss words at each other while both attempting to fight one another. Although to them it may have felt as if the fight was wild and both were capable of being MMA fighters, in reality it was just two uncoordinated, limp wristed idiots throwing their bodies around. Finally Fred steps in and breaks up the flair fest to figure out what's going on.
"Like, Fred man, Scooby is the one stealing our paper, man!" Shaggy yells.
"Ru uh Raggy I ridn't ro it!" Scooby fires back.
"My expert analysis tells m-" Velma starts.
"Oh ruck rou Relma rou ron't row rhit", Scooby interrupts.
"Yeah fuck you Velma you turtleneck wearin', four eyed, thirty year old virgin!" Shaggy says in agreeance as he high fives Scooby.
"Haha, BURN!" Fred yells at Velma, sending little parcels of spit at her face.
"What are you laughing at Fred? You've had that Ellen Degeneres haircut for twenty years now and have the brain capacity of a mentally challenged peanut butter jar", she snaps back.
By this point, the gang was more focused on roasting each other then they were about anything else. Eventually, they remember the fight and go back to the accusing but this time it's at least a civil conversation. They all gather up and talk it over and Scooby is adamant that he hadn't done it. The group puts together the clues and decides that the perp must be someone with access to each person's house, which are only the members of the group themselves. The gang slowly migrates to Velma's house where they examine all the data and look over the clues. Night falls and darkness hits the town. While hard at work, the gang hears something shatter the kitchen window and scurry into the house.
"Like zoinks, there's someone in the house!" Shaggy stutters as he quaked in fear.
Scooby jumped into Shaggy's arms and both hid in the Velma's bedroom closet while Fred and Velma snuck toward the broken window.
From the closet Shaggy whispers, "like, check it out Scoob, this big doll with the mouth cut out looks just like Daphne!".
"Reven smells rike Raphne!" Scooby relied.
In the kitchen and heading towards the noise, Fred points in excitement. "Look, there's paw prints."
"And shit!" Velma whispers. Secretly, she takes a big whiff and thinks to herself "God damn I love the smell of fresh shit."
Upon inspection, it was clear that the paper stealing bandit was inside Velma's house now. The two follow the trail of explosive shit and paw prints to none other than the bathroom. Comotion inside confirms that the thief was indeed in there and after their ultra plush paper. Fred takes the lead and eases in close and slowly turns the knob on the door. Velma is shaking in fear and excitement at this point. The door opens slowly and the two catch a glimpse of a hairy beast rummaging through the bag of toilet paper. The two gasp in shock and Fred's arm bumps the door which then makes a creaking noise. The beast hears the door squeak and suddenly stops to jerk its head up to listen. Slowly, the beast turns and the two finally see the incredibly hairy, extremely ugly and foul smelling beast. Fred's mouth drops and Velma's eyes widen in delight when they see the culprit. The paper stealing, shit smearing beast was none other than Daphne.
"Oh my God what is that thing!" Fred yelled in fear.
"AHH YES, FUCK ME" Velma screamed.
Shaggy and Scooby get scared by themself in the closet so come running to meet Fred and Velma and saw Daphne in the bathroom.
"Zoinks! Like, what the fuck is that?" Shaggy exclaims as he jumps in fear.
"YOU ASSHOLES, IT'S ME DAPHNE!" She screams. "I don't have my makeup on!"
In complete disgust, Fred blurts out, "Holy shit Daph, you're so fugly. You look like what you'd get if a hyena had sex with a baboon and then did drugs during the pregnancy."
"Row Raphne rot reven I rould ruck rou." Scooby chimes in.
Shaggy soon decides to roast her as well and says, "like, Daphne don't take this the wrong way but like, you're so ugly man I would fuck Scoob before you."
This whole time Velma has been silent as she's secretly turned on by Daphne's natural, hairy look.
"I'd bang you Daph." she says.
Everyone turns slowly and looks at Velma with disgust and confusion and she quickly realizes that she had said that outloud.
"Uhh with a hammer you ugly bitch, haha." She stuttered in an effort to try to recover from her previous comment.
She quickly turns the conversation back to the fact that Daph had been stealing from them all, at which point Shaggy and Fred explain the situations that Daphne had put them in. Finally, she explains what happened.
"Remember that first night in town?" she asked. "Well, those tacos seriously fucked up my stomach and have given me explosive diarrhea that seeps from my ass. It's wet and juicy and smells spicy. I just can't seem to stop it and I used up all our toilet paper and bought out all the paper from the surrounding stores but it's not enough! I needed more and I would've gotten all I needed if it weren't for you meddling kids."
"That's really nasty and I don't remember asking for details about your shit. We could've lived without that, you bigfoot lookin' ass bitch. Anyway, what were the smear marks and the paw prints then?" Fred asked.
"I got this cute new cheetah outfit that comes with a tail and little paws for shoes but now its ruined because it's covered in crap." She explains.
"Awe, I loved that cheetah outfit", Velma sighs to herself.
As the gang all starts to come to terms with Daphne's true looks and start to understand her stomach issues, they hear a loud rumble.
"Uh oh.", Daphne mumbled in horror.
Fred sees the color in Daphne's face escape and knows what's happening.
"Everyone, RUN!", he yells.
The gang turns for the door but Scooby's tail knocked it shut on the way in.
"Open the fucking door!", yells Velma.
Shaggy struggled with the knob. "Like, it's jammed!"
"Well unjam it!" Fred hollars at Shaggy.
"Like, shut your face Freddy man before I come back there and strangle your stupid ass with that piece of shit ascot that you never wash."
The group yell and scream in fear and anger as they scramble and make an extreme effort to break down the door. At this point, Daphne is doubled over on the floor in pain and screaming while trying to delay the inevitable. Chaos continues in the bathroom as the door remains jammed. All of a sudden, it hits; a loud flarp like noise explodes from Daphne as shit streams out of her like a dam broke on a river releasing an overwhelming force. Shit plastered the walls and covered each member of the group. Fred gets shit in his mouth and eyes which causes him to throw up all over Shaggy. Everyone sits on the floor, disappointed and disgusted, as the door finally swings open.
Scooby licks his lips with satisfaction and says, "Mmmm racos."