Radio Comfort
"Hello, Smashers! You're listening to WNTN, Smashville. It's-a me, Luigi, and my co-hosts are Link, Ganondorf, Kirby and Toon Link. Have questions or need advice? Give us a call: 866-645-8957. First caller—we hear you loud and clear."
"Hi," said a familiar feminine voice. "I don't think it's fair how we're treated in the hyper-competitive Smash communities, and I'm interested in your feedback on that."
"Oh, yeah—we all have our issues with those types of communities," said Luigi. "Would you mind explaining your situation to us?"
"Gladly. You see, I am a Melee veteran attempting to navigate the rapidly changing climate of Smash 4 and unraveling the mysteries of modern tournament play. And historically, I have been ranked pretty low."
"You guys," whispered Link. "I think I know that voice."
"These frequent update patches aren't any better, either," the caller went on. "They make things pretty—unstable. You have no time to get used to your changes before more of them are sprung upon you. And buffs and nerfs are taken quite seriously in those communities. I'm greatly concerned for my future standing in this tournament as well as for my stats overall. It's even worse that my alter ego is now separate from me."
"You've come to the right place," said Luigi, "all of us in this studio has experienced the same or similar situations."
"In the more recent patches, I've been buffed, but…" There was a soft sigh. "…it did me no good. I—I saw the new tier list earlier, and—and…"
"You were ranked low again?" Ganon stepped in.
"Yeah. I was—last."
Audible groans in the studio. This sounded extremely familiar.
"You know how the competitive communities treat fighters at the bottom," said the caller. "Once word gets out, I'll be officially classified as "low tier trash" or a "filthy casual" or something like that—and my life will be over. I mean—this was the last thing I needed!"
"Hey—it'll be all right," Luigi said gently. "Just remember—it's just a piece of paper. It's not worth getting into a funk over."
"Yeah—I know. But those highfalutin competitive die-hards treat it like the Ten Commandments. Riddle me this—what makes those Nayru-forsaken, [bleep]-spewing, butthole scrubs think they know everything about me just because I was historically low-tier and now at the bottom?!"
Link went absolutely white. "Dear Farore," he breathed. "You're not actually insinuating that…"
"Trust me—I feel it coming."
"Zel—Zel, listen to me," entreated Link. "There's nothing wrong with you. In Melee, in Brawl and here—you've been amazing. Heck, you even gave Tabuu a run for his money. But you've got to listen—don't ever look at that—thing—again. Spend the day with friends. Go shopping. Spar. Have a girl's night out. By the way, the first 1,000 callers get a 1500G shopping spree. And furthermore, you can always come to us, on the air or not. Let me tell you something else—you are not trash and the Smash World does not hate you. When it starts, just ignore it."
Ganondorf had his mouth agape. "That's…?"
Link nodded.
"Zelda? Is that you?" asked Ganon.
"The one and only."
"Yeah, uh, look—don't listen to those people, because they know nothing about you. Nothing! Believe me, I was there in Brawl, remember?"
"Well, you're the King of Evil," retorted Zelda. "Nobody dared to talk that mess to you, did they?"
"Some of them did," sighed Ganon, "and it got pretty nasty. And—not that it makes it okay, but that was why I participated in Tabuu's plot to take over the Smash World."
"You could've come to me or Link, you know," scolded Zelda. "If anyone's gonna defy you, then it's us. And at least we respect you."
"I know, but it's all in the past now. All we need to focus on is making sure you're okay," said Ganon.
"I'll be fine," said Zelda. "Thank you."
But her voice was so thin—so paper thin that everyone in the studio felt as if barbs had gone through their hearts. They'd known this caller for a long time, and she'd helped them face personal crises of their own. Now, it was time to help her in any way they could.
"Zel," Link began, "quite a few of us were there, you know. You're not alone in this."
"You're talking about Ganon and Kirby, right?" questioned Zelda.
"Yeah, and Luigi, too—in the very first one," added Link.
"L—talk to me," commanded Zelda.
"Zel—he's right, because he was one of those who defended me from it," began Luigi. "The first tournament, when there were only twelve of us, I had so many high hopes. I was still pretty obscure, and I hoped people would recognize my distinctions from Mario. But I guess the suits at Nintendo wanted to keep me from spreading my wings. They automatically assumed that just because I was timid, I couldn't fight. And so they stuck me at the bottom and made me fair game for hate, scorn, jeering, shunning and spurning. I was booed, shamed, degraded and demoralized. I had Maxim tomatoes thrown at me sometimes. Two Smashers in particular—I won't say their names—but they pulled recurring bathroom pranks on me. It got physical sometimes, too. Up until the tail end of the first tournament, I was referred to as "the Eternal Understudy", or in the case of the meaner ones, "the last-place loser". I had some new friends turn on me on a dime, one of them calling me a very awful name—it was a long time before I could speak to them again. But do you know what got me through?"
"Your friends and Mario, right?"
"Yeah, they were there for me," said Luigi, "but there was something else. Something deep inside me. I knew in my heart that they were wrong about me. They didn't break me down; they fired me up. I wanted to get angry at them, but instead, I pushed myself beyond my threshold. I trained and sparred. I held nothing back. I exposed the flawed logic of the upper tiers. Heck, I even one against one by doing absolutely nothing. It took a lot of blood and bruises, but they eventually got the message and backed off. Even after coming so far, I never forget my humbled beginnings."
"Lu—your story is inspiring me," breathed Zelda. "I—I can't thank you enough. I'm feeling a little better already."
"Yeah, I'm on hand to assist you for the battle ahead," Luigi assured her.
"Hey, Kirby—I know you were in my shoes in Melee. Any tips on your part?"
"Poyo!"
"Hmm. I never thought of that, but okay."
"Poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo. Poy, poyo, popoyo, poyo, poyoyo. Poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo—poyo, poy? Poyo, poyo, poyoyo, poyo, po, popoyo, poyo, poyo, poyo. Poyo, poy. Poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo. Poyo, poyo, poy, poyoyo. Poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo—poyo, poyo, poyo, poyoyo, popoyo, poyo! Poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo, poyo—poyo. Poyo."
"You're going to give me some Invincibility Candy? That's so nice of you," gushed Zelda. "I guess we're even now—you helping me after I helped you fifteen years ago. And Luigi—if you hadn't been there in Kirby's moment of need—if you hadn't drawn from personal experience to provide the comfort he so desperately needed, then he probably wouldn't be here today."
"In the beginning, Kirby was ranked second—but he was never mean about it," said Luigi. "They had no right to nerf him like that. I knew I had to do something."
"Ganon—I know we don't get along, but we were right next to each other on the Brawl tier list," said Zelda.
"Yeah, we were both in the 'trash tier', so I can't judge you," said Ganon. "Not that I wanted to, anyway. Here's something you should know—they're cowards—cowards to the core. Not one of them had the guts to insult me to my face. It was always behind my back. They knew I was powerful. They knew of my attempts to use the Triforce pieces to take over Hyrule. All of the harassment was from the safety of their computers. Sure, the words hurt, but just knowing that they'd run from a fight with me—that's what got me through. Even Meta—he's chivalrous and humble, and I'm sure he didn't really mean it, but…"
"I get you, Ganon," laughed Zelda. "Those were some wild and crazy times. But I'm still not handing the Triforce over to you!"
Ganon chuckled. "Of course not."
"Hey, uh, what about Sheik?" Link wanted to know.
"She was on cloud nine till she saw my ranking," shrugged Zelda. "She stopped before she even started, really—we had a few drinks. She says that I'll always be a part of her, and that she'd never hurt me like that—and I'm gonna hold her to it."
"That's so sweet of her," said Toon Link. "Seriously, though, you're not alone in this fight. You have me and Big Me. We love you, Mama Zelda."
"Thanks, Toon."
"And if things get to the point that you can't take anymore, come to one of us immediately," instructed Luigi, and Zelda knew it was both a command and a plea. "On second thought, notify Dr. Mario of the situation first, and then come to one of us. All of us here—we're happy that you called in. It's better than self-destructing over some paper with names and numbers on it."
"Luigi, Kirby, Ganondorf, Link and Toon—I am forever in your debt," sighed Zelda. "The world needs more people like you."
Luigi blushed. "As soon as you talked about your situation, I felt an instant connection."
"Poyo, poyo!" added Kirby.
"This may sound cliché, but only one person is allowed to make your life difficult, and that's me!" declared Ganon.
"Oh, be honest—you care about me," chided Zelda, "in your own strange way."
"He's a hard candy with a soft center," said Link.
"Don't worry, Mama Zelda!" said Toon Link. "We won't let these competition-crazy communities bother you!"
"We should get together later," mused Zelda. "Hot Topic tonight?"
"Sure!" her friends replied as one.
"Thanks again," said Zelda. "Take care!"
"You, too!" said Luigi before the call ended.
You know who your friends truly are when you're at your lowest point, Zelda thought contentedly to herself as she headed for the Training Room to warm up for her next match. The upcoming ordeal had suddenly become less frightening to her.
Please review. And I hope you feel better, Paradigm. You have my prayers. :)