Gandalf's State of the Union Address
In a vast, cavernous hall located in the depths of Minas Tirith, a nervous and restless crowd awaits the address to be given by the great Gandalf the Grey. As the great wizard is ushered in, the crowd hushes in anticipation of the speech they are about to hear.
My Fellow Middle Earth Dwellers, I welcome you all here. There is a lot to cover tonight, and it would benefit the lot of you to try and focus. I don't want anymore random battles breaking out. Last time that occurred, I got blood on my brand new robe. I am Gandalf the Grey, and I need my robes to be clean. Besides, don't you people know better than to fight elves? They're immortal! Means they don't feel pain!
Speaking of elves, I'd like to address the elves that went to Isengard and pissed Saruman off. They called his palantir an old rusty bowling ball. Something of that nature. Anyway, much as I hate the prick, I bet you all have learned your lesson. You may be immortal, but I bet isn't fun dealing with all of those extra limbs coming out of your heads. It isn't fun, is it? Can't anybody understand the concept of an evil wizard? Sorry I laughed so hard when I saw you. I had to change into a new robe.
Well, it's looking like we'll have to cancel the big hike and camping trip to Cirith Ungol. Hey! Hey! Settle down! Quit throwing…..OWWW! That one hurt! Let me explain will ya? Sit down! Ok! Geez! Ok! Anyway, as it turns out, there's a big friggin spider up there that has constant PMS. Not good. Not good for us at all. And, given half a chance, I bet that thing would love to get to know us better. Hey! Don't blame me! You all can go ahead and go if you wish. The gene pool will be a lot cleaner. Let me know how it works out for you all. Moving on.
Another problem we've had is those constant visits from those damn foul ring wraiths. They stole some sheep and gave Gimli the finger. Let me use this situation to remind you all that you never give a dwarf the finger. Ever. Gimli ended up hacking one of their cloaks to bits. The rumors have now been confirmed. Ring wraiths are in fact scarier naked. You can't even see them.
You know, now that I bring up dwarves, I'd like to send out a personal thank you to the dwarves who got that day job in Moria. You know, the ones that mined too far and woke up the damn Balrog. Nice job. You succeeded in making my life one to remember. Who do you think had to go and take care of it, hmmmm? Certainly not Merry and Pippin. Thank me later.
When it comes right down to it, Merry and Pippin are the ones to thank for the damn orc problems we've been having around here. You all remember when they unleashed the big dragon firework. At Bilbo's party. Well, apparently when it swooped down and went over the hills, it got farther than we expected. Apparently it blew close enough to Mordor to wake Sauron up. WHOA! HEY! No, not here! NO! Everyone, please! You can beat Merry and Pippin later. I promise.
On a side note, should the Mouth of Sauron ever come around here for any reason, try not to look at him. He's sensitive. And repressed. Oh, and don't even think of trying to give him chapstick.
We also had one of our Gondorian warriors get into a staring contest with the Eye of Sauron. It started out as a sick joke, but now the bloody idiot is no longer with us. Should any of you think it's funny and repeat the antics, good riddance I say. Fewer idiots to deal with.
The Witch King has been giving us all kinds of Hell. Apparently he's still pissed about falling under Sauron's power. He's been giving prank calls over Galadriel's mirror, and it isn't funny anymore. Look, I may have laughed the first few hundred times, but now it's getting old fast. Remember, no mortal man can kill this guy. We need an alternative. Hey, Eowyn. Ever used a sword before? Come talk to me later. Big battle coming up.
As we speak, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are headed to find the King of the Dead and his army. We need those guys on our sides. We'll suck without them, frankly. I guess if they don't come back we're all screwed worse than Gollum.
Speaking of which, I'm sure you all know of Gollum. He's become too hard to handle. He drinks all the ale. Last night, he got so wasted that he started mumbling about the One Ring and all of the various places he'd like to be pierced with it. In any case, we sent him away. We sent him to Mount Doom with Frodo and Sam. It gets him out of out hair, and it keeps Sam and Frodo off of each other. Don't act like you people don't know what I'm talking about. It's disgusting.
So, are there any questions? Yes? No Pippin. No. We are not gonna plant a white tree. Just forget about it. Aren't you late for fifteenth breakfast or whatever the count is. Go eat.
Thanks for coming everyone, and God Bless Middle Earth!