I'm so bored right now. So I'll make a new story! YAY! STTOOOOORRRRRRRRIIIIEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS AAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEE GOOOOOOODDDD!

This is a parody. Ron plays Draco, Hermione plays Harry, Draco plays Hermione, Harry plays Ron, and yeah.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Note: I re-uploaded this chapter because I wanted to correct the spelling, and lookng back on this story, I have absolutely no idea what drove me to write such a thing, but I'm glad I did. It's funny.

Scene One, the boy who lived.

A giant old gorilla came flying into the air on a huge motorcycle. Sexy. Not.

Hagrid looked down at Dumbledore, his beetle eyes glinting. "I've brought the baby, you old fogies!"

Dumbledore scrunched his forehead with irritation. "No need to shout you giant buffoon. I knew I should have asked... one of my other friends for help instead of you, you obese gorilla!"

Hagrid's eyes started to water. "I may be obese, but I'm not some fucking gorilla you old quack! Come here!" said Hagrid as he lunged at Dumbledore

Dumbledore waved his wand, causing Hagrid to freeze mid-lunge. "You gorilla. You didn't think you'd win, did you?"

Hagrid sighed and smiled absently. "Not really. Worth a try though." He handed Dumbledore a small package. "Here's the old pup."

Dumbledore looked up at him with rage in his eyes. "Boy! Not pup! Boy! If you must refer to him as someone, he shall be called...Candy Pansy! SO THERE!" he yelled.

Hagrid looked confused. "I thought his name was Harry Potter."

"Shut up you dog doo head! That sounds like the name of a HOBO!" snarled Dumbledore.

Hagrid looked at his feet. "I kind of like it..."

Dumbledore shrugged. "FINE! We'll call him Harry. The boy who lived, loved, died, and then rose to life!" he exclaimed and started to laugh evilly.

Hagrid walked over to a house nearby. "I'll just put him on this doorstep over here..."

Dumbledore took out a bong...ahem... pipe and started to smoke it. "Wasn't that old lady supposed to be here?"

Hagrid shrugged. "Yeah, but she just started menopause, so she had to stay home."

Dumbledore's eyes bulged out of his head. "She's only 50? That's like jailbait to me! Not that I've done anything to her..."

Hagrid looked disgusted then decided to shrug it off. "Naw, she just kept putting it off."

Dumbledore narrowed his eyes. "You can't put off menopause. There's something fishy going on around here..."

Hagrid looked at Dumbledore thoughtfully. "And how would you know?"

Dumbledore looked panicked. "I don't. Let's go."

-The two dumbasses leave-

Later that night...

An old lady comes to her doorstep to find a little brunette girl with bushy hair.

The old lady opened her door to find a small bundle on her doorstep. "It says that this here is Harry Potter. I don't want a fucking child!" She looked up at the sky and shook her fist at the big blue...sky. "You hear that God! I don't want a fucking child!" The old hag kicks the bundle to the next doorstep. Jeez.

The door to the other house opens.

A skinny little wench opened her door up next door. Ha-ha, door was used twice in a sentence. "I was wondering when that ugly gangly kid was going to come! It's been almost one night!" Petunia picked up the bundle. "I shall name you... (Reads tag)... Harry Potter! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

The bushy-haired bundle looked quizzical. "WTF?"

Petunia looked confused. "Did you say something dear?"

The tiny child shook its head.

Petunia brings Harry into house.

Petunia (Is that even her name? Well it is now) walked into the kitchen to find a very large man eating about five pounds of lard. "HELLO...HUSBAND! I'VE GOT A KID WITH ME!"

Vernon looked up with bits of yellow lard in his mustache. "Aw, HELL NAW! I've had enough about this children nonsense. We've already got one great fat child; I don't want you to be popping out another one anytime soon. That's it; we're using rubbers form now on!" Vernon banged his hand on the table, successfully splattering the lard onto the ceiling. "AND THAT'S LIFT-OFF!" he yelled and started to do a HAPPY DANCE!

Petunia tickled the child's chin. "This one's different. It's a GIRL! A COOCHY COOCHY COO!"

Vernon muttered to himself. "Bloody motherfucker."

Petunia looked at him disapprovingly. "Now, Vernon, let's not be profane."

Vernon looked back at her. "Yes dear." he said and sat back down.

Harry made a quiet whip-like sound.

"I'm not whipped!" barked Vernon, and then went back to eating his lard.

A/N: That was...interesting... I don't know, I think it'll get funnier though. YAY!