Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, just the plot (if you can even call it that).
Shino's Surprise Party
Naruto and Sakura sat on a bridge waiting for their sensei when Kankuro crawled by howling. Sasuke was late.
"Sasuke's late, Sakura-chan." Naruto commented, putting his hands behind his head and failing to notice Kurenai stalking him in the bushes.
"No shit, Naruto," Sakura snapped, "You think I haven't noticed?" Naruto grinned evilly and said, "Sasuke probably ran out of gel this morning and can't bear to be seen in public without hair that looks like a chicken's ass. He has to keep up his image, you know. It's not like he's anything more than a pretty face with odd hair."
Haku's decapitated head flew by the two genin and there was silence. Suddenly, Sakura turned to Naruto.
"You know what?" Sakura said quietly, "I think you may be right." She leaned against the railing of the bridge with a placid expression on her face and Naruto shivered. Something was wrong. Very wrong. If he didn't do something quick he would most likely end up dead, or worse, eaten by angry lobsters.
"Kakashi-sensei! Sakura's possessed!" Naruto screamed, turning around and running away from Sakura as fast as humanly possible while facing her. Essentially, he ran backwards.
"Whoa, you actually did it." Sasuke commented, watching Gaara build a sandcastle in the middle of the forest. The Uchiha was impressed that his pink-haired teammate had enough self-control to stop herself from beating Naruto to a bloody pulp for insulting him.
"Of course," Sakura murmured, "Sasuke-kun. I'd do anything for you…but you already knew that, didn't you?" Sasuke stared at her in annoyance and sighed quietly. He was going to have to pay up.
"I guess I owe you one, don't I?" he groaned, glaring at the ANBU squad peeking out of the trees. Sasuke groaned inwardly and wished the ANBU would stop spying on him…it wasn't like he was dumb enough to try and run away with a fifty year old child molester again. He hadn't appreciated being touched like that. If Orochimaru had pat him on the head and attempted to give him butterscotch candies onemorefreakingtime, he was going to lose it.
Sobbing in fear, Naruto hid under the covers of his bed and waited for Sakura to pop out of his closet and maul him.
"Naruto, stop hogging the blankets." Shikamaru moaned, rolling over on Naruto's bed and falling on the floor and landing on Orochimaru.
"Hey there," the sannin said to the frightened chuunin, licking his lips with his freakishly long tongue, "Want a butterscotch candy?"
"Damn, you're so hot Akamaru." Shino whispered, grabbing the dog and running off with it, "I can't believe I ever had a crush on Asuma with you around!"
"What the hell, Hinata?" Neji cried as his cousin started to molest him, "What's wrong with you today?" Maybe it was the opium he put in her cereal during breakfast…he had heard that drugs could alter your personality.
"Wrong with me? I'm perfectly fine," Hinata said with an evil smirk, "Neji-chan."
"So…you want a date, right?" Sasuke asked with a furious blush. He had fully expected this…but it wasn't like he'd ever taken a girl out on a date before…he was just too cool for that!
"Um, I'm sorry Sasuke…but I don't like you like that anymore. Your six hundred consecutive rejections of my date offers kind of gave me the idea that you might not really like me." Sakura explained, "Could you just leave me alone? I want to go eat lunch now."
Naruto stuck his head out of his blankets and stared at Tayuya. He didn't remember there being another pink-haired girl in Konoha besides Sakura-chan!
"Who the hell are you?" Naruto growled, "Get the fuck off my washing machine." Temporarily forgetting his fear of Sakura, he bit Tayuya in the leg and Jiraiya flew through the window with a crash. The old ninja posed like an awkward gay ninja for dramatic effect and then spoke.
"So how many bowls of ramen was that again?" he asked, swinging the Samehade around in circles.
"Hinata! Get your hand out of my pants!" Neji howled, desperately trying to escape from a seemingly possessed Hinata. He made a mental note that Hinata reacted badly to opium, and decided that he would use the usual dose of nightshade in tomorrow's cereal.
"What? Are you gay or something?" Hinata, or maybe it wasn't really Hinata snapped. A couple meters away, Ino's lifeless body lay on the ground and was being trampled by several Konoha-nin and a duck.
"You make Hitler look like a bus conductor, you bitch!" Neji yelled, successfully prying Hinata off of him and running away as fast as he could. She hit the ground with a thump and Ino woke up.
"You want to go eat lunch by yourself?" Sasuke cried in confusion, "Like, without me? How could you reject me like that? I'm an Uchiha, damn it, are you insane?"
"Oh, so now you're asking ME out and getting rejected." Sakura said with a grin, "It's not very fun, is it?"
"Yo." Kakashi said as he appeared in a cloud of smoke. Glaring at Jiraiya he snarled, "What the fuck are you doing here? You're supposed to be buying me ramen! Have you forgotten that you're my bitch?"
"Damn. I knew I asked the wrong person." Jiraiya muttered, "so how many bowls of ramen was it, Kakashi-dono?"
"Forty-two." he replied and disappeared as suddenly as he had appeared, but left behind a distinct aroma of sliced ham.
"Stop!" yelled Anko, followed by four ANBU squads, "Stop or we'll shave you bald!"
"Nooooooooooo!" Ino cried, dropping the hat she was holding, "Anything but that!" If they shaved her bald they'd find out that her long blonde hair was actually a weave, and she just couldn't have that happening.
"Neji-kun!" Hinata called, using her Byakugan to search the trees for her horrified cousin.
"I hope Chouji eats you." Tayuya spat and she dashed into Naruto's closet and shut the door. He shivered and went back to hiding under his covers. You just never knew when Sakura would come for you.
"If you don't want me, I'll have to take you by force!" Sasuke roared, outraged that he'd actually been rejected by Sakura. As she had predicted, Sasuke had fallen for her trap. Sometimes he could be such an idiot. An endearingly naïve idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.
"Shino! Where the hell have you taken my dog?" Kiba yelled, dashing through the trees and stopping periodically to mark his territory.
"I didn't mean to knock down Gaara's sandcastle! I just wanted to play tag with him!" Ino explained, "He can have his hat back!"
"Are you aware that you made the Kazekage cry?" Anko shrieked. Snatching Gaara's Kazekage hat off the ground, she bolted off through the trees to find him. If she was lucky she'd find him banging his head on a tree in the forest. She just prayed that he wasn't running around peeing on the villagers again. That had been hard enough to explain the first time. Anko wasn't sure she could handle having to explain it a thirty-fourth time.
"W-What are you going to do…?" Ino stuttered, backing away from the advancing ANBU squad, "I'll do anything, just don't shave my head!"
"Jan…ken…pon." the ANBU captain said quietly.
"Hanabi…you got taller! And you look so pretty!" Hinata said to her sister, "Do you want to finish what we started last night?" Neji backed away from Hinata and wondered why the hell she thought he was Hanabi. He decided that it must be the dress he was wearing. It made him feel very pretty indeed. He gave him hair a pretty flip and decided to play along. Maybe it would get him out of this mess.
"You really seemed to enjoy it…I know I did. It was so sweet and warm…" Hinata murmured in his ear, "…But it was really messy wasn't it?" Neji backed away further in revulsion. What the hell had the sisters been doing?
Sasuke jumped Sakura and proceeded to rip her clothes off and do things that little kids shouldn't read about, like play doctor and other fun things like that.
"Get a room!" Kisame scolded them, but everybody ignored him because he was a fish-faced freak with a sword that shaved instead of sliced, so he cried and ran to Temari.
"Fuck off, loser." Temari snapped and Kisame went and jumped off the Naruto bridge in the Land of Waves. His life was so tragic and sword didn't even work properly. He was a loser and a failure and didn't deserve to live. His mother was right...
"You ready, Akamaru?" Shino asked Kiba's dog, "Let's go." Akamaru whimpered and hid from Shino, but Shino began anyway.
" I feel pretty, and witty, and -" Shino trilled, only to be stabbed in the back by Kimimaro.
"West Side Story sucked. Everyone knows that Tony just wanted to get into Maria's pants." he said quietly. Suddenly, a low roar echoed through Konohagakure and the ground shook violently. Several snakes popped out of the ground and Orochimaru leaped off of one.
"Oro-tama!" Tsunade called, "We're ready for you now!"
"You'd better be!" Orochimaru called back, "Because I brought chocolate-frosted cupcakes!" He pulled out a large tray with a flourish and started dancing the tango with Ton-Ton.
"How DARE you!" Hinata screeched, "Hanabi and I made pie!" She would not stand for this insult to the Hyuuga clan. She was going to be the head of it someday and it was up to her to defend it's honor as well as its pies.
"Yeah, what she said" Neji muttered as the real Hanabi watched him from behind a rock. If he just let her go off and freak out maybe he could slip away unnoticed.
"Well, my cupcakes are CHOCOLATE." Orochimaru sneered, "What flavor is your pie? Lemon?"
"I-It's kiwi…" Hinata mumbled tearfully, suddenly losing her fighting spirit. Her eyes began to cross oddly as she kept staring at her weird green-tinted pie.
"How DARE you make her cry!" Neji yelled at the Sanin, "Her pie would like, totally pwn your cupcakes in a fight any day." Before anybody could react to Hanabi who wasn't really Hanabi but was just Neji in a dress and not trying to impersonate Hanabi's statement, Jiraiya appeared with forty-two bowls of ramen.
"Never fear, Jiraiya is here!" he shouted, tossing bowls of ramen at everyone.
"Hmm…the pie wins. It was way better than the cupcakes." Naruto said.
"YOU ATE THEM?" Tsunade yelled, strangling him and kicking him across Konoha, "THEY WERE FOR SHINO'S SURPRISE PARTY!"
"How troublesome. Shino is dead." Shikamaru sighed and the Sunagakure blew up.
End.