Date: December 18, 2005

Author: Mr. Osborne

Category: Drama, Friendship

Spoilers: Lowdown

Author's Notes: This story takes places after the SVU ep "Lowdown" and the last letter Olivia sent to Alex in the Letters fic. Since the airing of the ep "Ghost," this story should be considered AU and does not follow canon.

This is a fic that I really didn't get around to finishing, and may or may not.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the characters, the show, nor do I get a penny out of this.

"Justified Risk"

Friday, April 16, 2004, 6:14 P.M.

A very tired Police Detective made her way down the remainder of the block to her apartment building having stopped only for some groceries. Olivia Benson would've stayed at work well past midnight, but Cragen had finally ordered her to go home and not to come back until Monday morning.

She didn't want to go home. The past few weeks have made it a lonelier place for her. The thought of having HIV made her realize that she hadn't really lived. At the end of the day what was she? A lonely woman who had all these barriers around her that were nearly impossible for someone to break down. For the rest of the evening she'd simply have dinner, a glass of wine, a bath, and then sleep in an warm bed; in that order.

She was so wrapped up in fatigue and loneliness that she didn't realize that someone was waiting for her. Keys in hand, Olivia moved toward her building's door.

"Olivia."

Olivia's hand froze just before she could put the key the in lock. For a moment, she thought her mind was playing a cruel trick because she was so alone and so tired. Yet she knew the owner's voice. It was a voice that she last heard almost a year ago.

"It couldn't be," she thought to herself.

Daring to believe, she turned and saw... Alex, standing only a few feet away. She was dressed in casual clothes; a blue denim jacket over a dark grey hooded sweatshirt, faded blue jeans and black boots. The hood was drawn up, concealing most of her features, but there was no mistaking her voice, or her eyes, despite them being green instead of blue.

Still unsure if this was real, Olivia reached out to touch her. A warm hand grasped her own and pulled her into a hug. As soon as she was in her arms she knew it was real and broke down in sobs. Alex said and did nothing else except hold her friend.

For a few moments they just stood there as Alex let her friend release all the pent-up emotions inside her. They couldn't stay outside for long without attracting attention. There was a couple walking down the street toward them. Gently, she guided the older woman inside her building. Olivia silently allowed Alex to take the lead—who was too overwhelmed to say or do anything. They kept the peaceful wordless silence, only permeated by the occasional sniffle from Olivia, until they were comfortably seated on her couch behind a well-locked door.

Olivia stared at her in open-mouthed amazement before finding her voice. "Alex..." Tears continued to stream down her face. "It's not that I'm not glad to see you, but what are you doing here?" From her duffel bag, which she didn't notice until now, Alex produced a piece of paper. Olivia recognized it without having to read it: it was the letter she had mailed Alex just last week.

"You were reaching out for someone. You were there for me, so I felt it was time to return the favor," Alex said, smiling. More tears spilled down Olivia's face. Few people had ever been there for her, and the fact that Alex was here at risk to her own life overwhelmed her.

Time seemed to slip by as Olivia sat on the couch while Alex put away the groceries and made dinner. They sat in companionable silence as Olivia ate the best dinner she had eaten in months. Once dinner was finished, the dishes cleaned and put away, did they talk. Over a glass of wine, they caught each other up on the most current events and what they didn't write in their letters.

They talked well into the evening and when it was almost eleven they decided to call it a night. They were both exhausted, one by a long work day and the other by the very tedious trip that brought her back home. Alex took the couch, Olivia her bed, and for the first time in weeks was sound asleep.

Olivia woke the next morning, around 8:30, feeling far better rested than she had in a while. She got up and went into her living room to find Alex still asleep on her couch still in her clothes sans her jacket, sweatshirt and boots. Curiousity still nagged at her. Despite the fact that they talked for hours Alex had avoided talking about her time before reemerging into the "real world."

A blanket covered her from her feet to her shoulders leaving her bare arms uncovered. Olivia noticed that her skin tone seemed slightly darker, not pale when she last saw her, and her arms seemed to have some toned muscle on them. Her hair, once blonde, was now light brown and had grown out past her shoulders. On the coffee table was a cotton travel pouch, the kind that a traveler wore around their neck underneath their clothes, along with some cash, loose change, and a case for contact lenses.

Satisfied that she was still peacefully asleep, Olivia cleaned up and got dressed for the day. Once in the kitchen she decided to make breakfast. After that wonderful dinner last night it was the least she could do for her unexpected guest.

Alex woke to the whistle of a water kettle. It took only a moment for her to remember where and why she was sleeping on a couch and smiled. She was back in New York, her home, and despite the danger she was in it felt so good. More importantly it felt good to see her friend again who was looking much better since last night.

Feeling that her body had enough rest, she got up and stretched. Her shoulder had a slight ache, though it was probably more from sleeping on the couch than her near-fatal gunshot wound. Out of habit, she touched the scar through her t-shirt, now a short, straight, pale line against her unblemished skin.

Alex's movement was caught in corner of Olivia's eye and she looked up. "Good morning," she said warmly. Olivia was dressed in a pink sweater, white t-shirt and blue jeans. Her hair was combed back, held in place with a plain hair clip.

"Good morning," Alex said. They had breakfast during which, after some debating, decided to get out of the city for the day and visit Poughkeepsie. The Tourist season was starting up, and both of them were relatively unknown there, allowing them to be lost among many other faces. There they could enjoy the day with little risk of being discovered.

After showering and dressing in the same jeans, boots, denim jacket and sweatshirt from yesterday, but in clean undergarments and a t-shirt, they walked to the nearest subway station where they'd head to Grand Central. After buying two round-trip tickets with cash, they took the morning train north.

It was a sunny day in Poughkeepsie. The temperature was in the 50s but there was little wind, making it's a fairly warm day. Spring had begun which was evident from the melting snow and the singing birds.

Having already had breakfast, the two decided to just explore the local parks. Already there were several joggers out, and a few families as well taking advantage of the fairly warm weather.

They spent the day in the parks, ate lunch, looked around a few of the historical sites, had dinner, and finally came back around nine. There they just crashed on the couch and watched a movie.

They fell asleep together there, having been lulled to sleep by their fatigue and the drabble of the local news.

As the night came, a thunder storm rolled in and a fairly loud thunderclap woke Alex. With a gasp, she sat up. Her movement roused Olivia, who asked her if she was ok. They talked again, relating their views and fears after she was shot and nearly killed, and Olivia's HIV scare.

"Before I found out about the results, and even afterward, I realized that I was alone. My mother's gone, I don't have a father, or any relatives. I don't even have a boyfriend. If I ended up having HIV, who would take care of me? I'm clean--I know that now--but what about next time? I don't know what to do about that."

"When I got shot, as I was losing conciousness I thought 'no, it can't be, it's too soon, I'm not ready.' It wasn't any better or easier when I had to leave. I could no longer be who I really was anymore. I still look over my shoulder, and I start shaking when I hear something about Velez."

"How do you deal with it?"

Alex looked away for a moment with a distant look on her face. "Do you remember what I said the night I got shot? Even when we win, we lose." Olivia nodded. Everything that happened that night was burned into her memory. She looked back to face Olivia straight in the eye. "I was wrong. I never truly understood it from a victim's perspective until I ended up on that sidewalk."

Her expressed changed to one of determination. "Velez turned my life upside down and I know I'll never get justice for that. When I laid there bleeding, I realized that I had two choices: I could just give up and die, or I could get back up and keep living. You only lose if you want to."

They kept talking well into the early morning hours and eventually fell asleep together.

--

Sunday, they woke up, having slept on the couch in their clothes. It's almost noon. They clean up and dress for the day, and Alex reluctantly leaves after another emotional goodbye; this time with a hug and reassurances. They separate at the subway station.

"You took a hell of a risk coming here for me."

"It was a justified risk."

"Just don't make it a habit."

"One day, it won't have to be a risk."

Epilogue

It was cloudy, yet warm, in Annapolis as Alex made her way to a payphone. Using a phone card purchased several days ago with cash, she called Olivia to let her know she was safely out of the city. After wiping her fingerprints off the card and tossing it in a trash bin, she gets back into her Ford Taurus and returns to the Freeway, driving west back home non-stop.