Chapter One: On Pause Without her Now

How do you deal when you lose the love of your life?

What does it feel like when everything changes?

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pangs of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did, but for the things we didn't do, things we didn't say that could save someone we cared about… especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way.

It doesn't hurt me.
You want to feel, how it feels?
You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You want to hear about the deal I'm making?
You… (be running up that hill)
You and me… (be running up that hill)

He laid silently, blankets bunched and tucked under his chin. The room was quiet, darkness creeping from all corners. His motionless body was cocooned in his solitude, warming his skin and the sheets beneath. He had been there for hours, the weight of her death pressing on his heart and mind with the heavy pressures of misery. He didn't move, or speak, or do anything but stay there, trying to remember the last traces of her scent atop his pillowcase. The life that he knew, that he had come to love, was officially over. She was gone now, and no words of sympathy or tears shed in grief would ever bring her back to him. He slept through his pain the best he could, trying to tell himself that it was okay to be miserable…it was just the way the mind processes what's happening. It shuts down for a while, on pause, until it all finally sinks in, and the world officially sucks.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could...

Things had ended soon before all of this. Yet another thing had come between the two, tearing them apart in the mere blink of an eye. He had given up, really, trying to spare them all what was ultimately coming. All year things had been shaky. They had only made the best of things in hopes of starting everything over. Perhaps hoping all of those feelings would reignite and they'd be back to the way they used to in complete romantic bliss. Things were only that way for a short time anyway. Why not make the best of things while it lasted?

Sometimes it's easier to pretend things are okay rather than face a difficult truth. So they'd go through the motions, the rituals of everyday life. They'd hope the comfortable rhythms of familiarity would hold off the inevitable for just a little longer. Return things to normal. Anything to buy them just a little more time. Playing pretend, make believe. It might be the one thing they never outgrew.

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There's a thunder in our hearts, baby.

But no matter how hard they would try, they could never be truly happy. They could never get or be that way. They weren't the kind of couple who talked about their feelings, or tried in any way to prove everyone wrong when they were uneasy about their union. It was always good at first, getting used to each other again and enjoying the fact that their future held all possibilities. Who knew what would happen? If they would stay together longer, lasting through everything and being more in love than ever, or just living each day in awkwardness, trying to hold on to something that was no longer even there.


So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You… (be running up that hill)
You and me… (be running up that hill)
You and me, won't be unhappy.

Earlier that year, when everything was settling down with Trey and the police, Ryan had promised her, promised himself, that they would start over. They would start fresh and put the past behind them, making sure they would never be alone again. They sat at that lifeguard stand, believing the fact that maybe this was their time. Maybe this was their last chance. Senior year had to be all time, right? Wrong. Again, they had struggled and parted ways despite the unbearable heartbreak…only to leave him feeling worse and worse, without her now.

And if I only could,
make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
if I only could, oh...

He couldn't imagine his future now. How would he make it knowing he would never see her face again, never feel her touch, and never hear a breath of word escape her lips again? They would never experience college life, never see where the road would take them, and they would never be able to battle life's hardships together, side by side as planned. Everyone kept telling him that each day without her would get easier… that he would learn to live with the fact even though it still hurt. But deep down inside the core of everybody, lies those dark feelings. Those feelings you hide when something goes wrong, when you're mad at the world, and you push your emotions away. It's where everything goes…where the pause button lies.


Come on, baby, c'mon c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
Come on, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience
oh...

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. They are never forgotten, and sometimes, it's the memories we hold that gives us the strength to go on…keep going…move forward because it's what they would want from you. Time heals all wounds, right? Wrong. Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end...there's only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there yet again. Ryan would lay, alone, pushing everyone and everything away so he could grieve by himself. Try and make sense of it all and try and think of what things would be like from then on.


And if I only could,
make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

He opened his eyes at last, eyelids sticky and puffy with the thin film of sleep. His pupils were a darker shade of blue, his mourning sadness drooping his face. His head moved from the pillow and he flipped over to his back, his body now parallel to the ceiling. His whole body ached, muscles weak and stinging. He hadn't moved for what seemed like days. His blankets bunched on his side and he had to push and free himself from their tight clutches. He struggled; feeling tied down and trapped, tangled in himself.

If I only could, be running up that hill.


He kicked his legs and punched through the blanket, screams of anger, sadness, and pain escaping his throat with slashing limbs. She was gone. The one person who he thought would be there through thick and thin. The one person who told him things would be okay and actually meant it…even if they never were for her.

If I only could, be running up that hill.

In this blackout of rage, a hand flew to his bedside table, lifting an object and hurling it toward the opposite wall, watching and hearing it shatter on impact.

If I only could, be running up that hill.

A loud exhale came from his nose as he blinked away the brimming tears. Nothing seemed real anymore. Was he awake? Was he alive? His body was frozen with a stiff numbness. All he wanted was for all this to end. All he wanted was to have her again. All he wanted was another chance, another try. One last chance. One last chance to save his girl. One last chance to make things right. One last chance to unpause himself….

If I only could, be running up that hill…

If I only could, be running up that hill…