Shattered Innocence
Spoilers: Tokra I, II up to Season Three
Disclaimer: Not mine MGM and Showtime own them I just get to play for awhile.
Author's Notes I think Sam killing Seth affected her. This is my first story so any and all comments would be welcome.
You can mark time by certain pivotal events in your life. At the academy I learned to be an air force officer and they often talked about having to make tactical decisions and sending people in harms way. Officers who serve in field units such as me make those kinds of decisions everyday in battlefield situations. Off-world is not exactly a battlefield but the same situation applies. We carry weapons and we have to defend ourselves. I don't usually have time to think much about the killing because if I don't kill them they will kill me. There is something distinctly different about close combat killing. I had never before had to look in the eyes of the person that I was about to kill.
That all changed with Jolinar. Her memories as a Tokra influenced me more than I care to admit. In a way she shattered my innocence, not that I hadn't killed before but not like that. When I first tried on the ribbon device in Cimmeria I was flooded with memories of when Jolinar used that device to protect herself and kill. The memories made it impossible for me to target anything and I also felt a loss of control. Fearful of the device and it's implications I never wore one again until a fateful day when I encountered Seth.
We were in the process of evacuating people and my Dad, Jacob now a Tokra carried one. He was trying to stop Seth when he blasted him with the ribbon device injuring him severely. Selmac, his symbiote took over and spoke to me, "you have the power within you but you must summon it". Looking at my dad lying there, I resolutely took the ribbon and slid it over my hand.
As the device powered up I could feel the Naquada humming in my blood and my fear turned toward anger.
How dare he injure my father who I just got back from nearly dying from cancer? What right did he have to hurt him just because he was Tokra? I felt the strength and power of Jolinar entering my consciousness and suddenly a beam shot out the device stunning Seth. Before I knew what was happening, my anger fueled the device again this time delivering a deadly blow which killed Seth.
I saw his eyes as he registered shock that a mere human Tauri could do this to him and then watched as the light extinguished ever so slowly from his eyes until he knew no more. Never had I killed with such anger and vengeance.
It was like watching me do something but having no power to stop it. I wanted to yell, scream, and deny that I had done something so horrible.
The colonel said, Hail Dorothy and I couldn't believe it. I didn't feel worthy of any praise only scorn for my part in Seth's death.
Even though my logical brain told me that he was a Goauld and didn't deserve to live my heart still saw him as a man worth saving.
O'Neill's eyes were full of knowing. He too has had to kill. Maybe he thought by making light of it I wouldn't feel so bad but he was wrong. For once our usually almost psychic connection we have with each other was no where to be found.
Daniel looked at me with disbelief; I know he never expected me to be able to kill like that either. I shattered his image of me as someone who always does the right thing.
My father looked at me with sorrow and relief. In his heart he knew that Seth had to be stopped but as my father, he felt sorrow that I was the one who had to kill him.
Teal'c, a warrior himself, treated me with kindness but I think he also knows that I will never be the same again.
In the end I did nothing but I lost a part of me that will never return my innocence. I now know that I am capable of killing even when looking into someone's eyes. I didn't have to kill him but I lost control and let my anger cloud my reason.