DEPRESSING THOUGHTS
drookit duck
A.N.- sorry, just watched the 'Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy'...again, and came up with this halfway through the 'so long and thanks for all the fish' song :)
plot - Imagine a small, crampt, cruddy little room. It's very quiet and no one can hear you. There are no windows, but even if there was, you just know that it wouldn't be a view worth looking at anyway. There is, however, a door. This door is big, heavy, made of strong, reinforced, metal and is bloody well unbreakable. This door is the same colour as the walls. This door is big, boring and cruddy like the rest of the room. On this door are 16 locks. The first one is a bolt, but it's pointless unbolting it, because the other locks stop you from getting out. The second, third, four and fifth locks are padlocks, but even if you had a hair-pin, or a nifty lock-picking kit, you'd never open the sixth, seventh or ninth locks which are keypad operated. However, even if you, by some obscenely unlikely act of 'Gawd', managed to crack the codes, unlock the padlocks and unbolt the door, you'd be unlikely to fool the finger-print operated locks, that are numbers eight, ten ,eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen and fifteen. Now, if you managed to actually unlock, unbolt, decode and fool all of these locking systems then, not only would you be an extremely impressive person of great talent and luck, you'd also be free. But, then again, it's hardly likely, seen as the sixteenth lock is on the other side of the door.
Now, imagine that trapped inside this inescapable, cruddy, depressing little dark room, there were two lifeforms. The first lifeform is a very sexy ensouled male vampire with blue eyes, bleached blonde hair, a long, well-worn, leather trench-coat and cheekbones that could cut steel; commonly known as Spike. The second lifeform is a short, Green triangular eyed, out-of-proportioned, white robot with more paranoia and other mental problems than the residents of most mental hospitals; known to friends, or rather people he would rather have not met, as Marvin the paranoid android.
Now imagine the depressing conversation an ensouled vampire and an insane robot would have.
"Where the hell are we?" Spike asked sitting up and rubbing his head where he'd been knocked out.
"On Earth." the small white and black robotic man said, "How depressing."
"How did I get- Wait a minute," Spike narrowed his eyes until they focused properly, "Who the hell are you?"
"I am Marvin." Said Marvin, his green - triangular eyes flickering, "Lovely in here, isn't it?" Spike cocked an eyebrow.
"If you were blind, I mean." said Marvin.
Spike stood up and started to pace the room.
"What are you?" He demanded finally, eyeing the weird robotic creature, who was slumped hopelessly against the wall looking self-piteous.
"I am Marvin." Marvin said again, as if it were the most obvious thing to say.
"Yeah, you said that, but what are you?" Spike stopped pacing to glare at the robot accusingly, "Are you a glorified can opener? Or are you more useful?"
Marvin raised his large head, "Brain the size of a planet, and what does the stupid vampire say? 'Glorified can opener'!"
Spike scowled, "If you're so bloody smart, mate, how come you don't just get out of here!"
"I would" Marvin said simply, "But I don't really feel like it."
"Oh that's just bloody brilliant." Spike snarled, and continued pacing, his black coat billowing out behind with every movement. "So you'd rather stay here?"
"It doesn't matter where I am, nobody likes me." Marvin said dutifully.
Spike scowled, 'I wonder why?' he thought angrily.
"Aren't you a bundle of laughs." he said, one eyebrow cocked.
"I'm afraid not." said Marvin, hanging his large head, "Although, I don't suppose you care."
"Will you shut it, you maniacally depressed peice of scrap metal!" Spike yelled, "You're not the only one with problems here, you git of a machine!"
"Oh really? And what's your problem?" Marvin droned, his large green eyes facing Spike with a reproachful look.
"Well, for one, I'm stuck in here with you..." Spike sighed, eyeing Marvin angrily.
"I can see how you feel. I'm stuck with me a lot... It's very depressing." Marvin agreed morosely.
"And secondly, I'm a guilt-ridden vampire with a soul." Spike said, flicking a cigarette butt away.
"That sounds depressing." Marvin said, in his doomed tone, "But nowhere near as bad as being a depressed robot."
Spike shook his head, "You'd think that, wouldn't you?" Spike said. He'd thought a soul would simplify everything, but it had made things worse.
"And you're in love." Marvin said, sounding completely disgusted at the prospect.
Spike looked up from where he was searching for an escape, "What makes you say that, mate?"
"It's written all over you. It's rather obvious. Love depresses people, and I can understand depression." Marvin sighed.
"Wonder why." Spike said sarcastically. "Don't you have some little toaster babe you've got the hots for?" Spike asked.
"No." Marvin said hanging his head, "It hates me."
"Talk to it?" Spike asked.
"Yes. That's why it hates me." Marvin sighed, "Hates me so much, it jumped into the sink and exploded."
The word 'toastercide' came into Spike's head as he violently, desperately, rattled the large grey door handle again, to little success.
"Bollocks."
"It won't work." Marvin said, "The Central Locking System on that door is tamper-proof. Not to mention it's locked from the other side."
Spike glared at the bot, "Uh-huh." he said finally.
"Brain the size of a planet, and here I am explaining Central Locking Systems to a vampire..." Marvin groaned, slumping again into a corner to shut himself down.
"Bugger." Spike groaned, stomping to an opposite corner to rest his head in his hands. He'd like nothing better than to give Marvin a good hard kick... but he had a feeling that that might make the deranged droid complain more.
A.N - Yes, I know, crazy, pointless and a bad ending. But, hey, it was 3am in the morning when I was watching it... whilst high on coffee :) Coffee coffee coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee
Hani xXx