Hagrid's steamy confrontation
An epic poem authored by Hagridfan96 and SandwichLord
Chapter 1: The Confrontation
Hagrid strolled down the path to get a nice steam bath. As he arrived at the house he met Mr. Strause. Hagrid told him to fuck off with a rough cough.
"That's very rude, if I may intrude!" said Mrs. Strause, defending her spouse. She hid in a garbage bin - a place where Hagrid never had been.
This caught Hagrid by surprise and left him demoralized. Mrs. Strause went back into the bin and Hagrid wished that he was as thin.
He left the couple, dreaming of having a frame just as supple. With heavy steps he approached the door, not knowing what it was for. Into the planks he smashed his head, making him in need of a hospital bed.
He now suffered head trauma, thought he was a hot mama. Decided to hook up with Potter – ain't a thing hotter.
Across the marsh he did dash, unaware of his great big gash. As he marched through the moor and into his hut, on the floor Harry sat on his butt. Hagrid bawled, "Yo, Harry, let's go find some bitches!"
In chock Harry exclaimed "Hagrid you're in need of stitches!"
"No time for that you little twat. You will accompany me on adventure and we might even behold some silly architecture."
Harry noticed that his pants were gone and that there was some kind of erect phenomenon going on. Hagrid blushed and rushed to fetch a sock to cover the cock.
Harry ignored his appendage, still insisting on applying a bandage. A pair of scissors he fetched with haste and to his pants he then laid waste.
And so their journey began, with a very unclear plan. A pantless boy wearing but a sock on his cock, and a confused burly man who had the smell of a trash can. Hagrid suddenly told Harry something pretty scary.
- I have made a big mistake! That sock is actually a little snake!
Harry nearly fainted from the picture that in his mind was painted.
Luckily the snake was toothless but left Harry juiceless. Hagrid pulled it off and with a cough it slithered away in dismay. Both forgot instantly what just occurred even though it sounds absurd. "Harry you fool! Don't just stand there and drool."
From the nasty pool Harry stepped, and onto his crotch some leaves he swept. He was merely able to cover his wang, and then suddenly out of nowhere there was this huge bang! BANG!
The leaves must've been cursed and a burst of black smoke covered his groin. Harry panicked fearing his member would go down like a shrimp titanic.
"Come, join me to forage some ingredients for a nice porridge."
"What! Why?" Asked Harry the Weak with a whine while turning bleak.
"Oh my," said Hagrid. "The answer you seek lies right at your feet!"
Harry started to everywhere peek but nowhere any grains his eyes could meet.
Many hours passed but avast, Harry's patience was depleted. "Are you seeing things because we left your head untreated?"
Hagrid's temper was overheating, he thought Harry deserved a beating.
"I shouldn't be accused since you're the one who is confused! The hours are fleeting but still we are not eating!"
Harry moved one of his feet and said: -sweet! I just found some wheat. I must've been standing on it all along, can we pack it in your thong?
Longing to be fed, Hagrid settled the cereal between his cheeks.
- Come along Harry, a kettle we now must seek!
Harry shivered in disgust as he saw Hagrid his thong readjust. But hungry he was and there was no time to pause. A long walk to the store and Hagrid's crack was getting sore.
They scuttled along the road as Hagrid butt-shuttled their precious load. But something odd was happening to the air - it was suddenly filled with hair!
And there, up in a hill Dumbledoor were, cutting his beard without a care.
The old man had recently left his lair which he happily shared with a mean old bear.
They tried their best to ignore Dumbledoor. A kettle could be found in the hardware store.
As they ran from the elderly man he noticed their attempt to escape and also the little one's tempting shape
He snuck into the mulberry shrubbery and thought to himself: "perhaps it's time for some adultery?"
Careful to not be exposed he transformed his nose into a hose. A stream of water he then blew with such force that he upwards flew.
Discreetly he tried to hover in the clouds for some cover. Harry and Hagrid noticed the rain but 'twas only Dumbledoor the insane.
Hagrid got furious with the cloud and started to yell out loud. -How dare you dampen my precious shirt? Its fabric is very easily hurt!
The cloud up in the sky did not reply. Deep inside Hagrid knew that it would've been silly. But up there someone was after the young one's willy.
Hagrid was walking and laughing for no apparent reason. "I am really longing for some cheese, son!" he exclaimed wildly. Harry tried to reply mildly but suddenly there was a loud thump. Harry into the store door had bumped!
"WHAT ARE THESE FOR?!" Hagrid roared and smashed his head through the door. He passed out instantly and is probably now suffering mental deficiency. Harry had to take a piss and went amiss.
As he lied on the floor, Hagrid's bandage was soaking. But then the door started croaking. As the door swung open one could perceive a hideous shape - inside the hall stood Severus Snape!
"What is this this madness you fools? There are rules! You are not allowed to my door smash, so hand over the cash!"
Hagrid yelled "well I refuse to pay so you better lawyer up!"
Snape knew what he would say and simply replied "yup!"
Just because Hagrid was on money short, they all now stood in court.
Chapter 4: The Court
In the court room there was a judge with a degree asking the defendants "how do you plea?"
Harry replied: "I had too much tea, can I go pee?"
"No siree, you will only try to flee!"
Hagrid, with his hair full of fleas, demanded his release: "If I stay another day I will catch a disease!". The judge gave him an evil look and said with ease: "there are many a reason for me to put you in prison. You are now on my shit list, son!".
But Hagrid was just not anyone! He tried to run but fell on his bun. "Your physique is weak you big ol' freak!" Laughed the judge and was not aware that Harry was elsewhere.
Yet Harry was still very close, hiding inside the judge's nose. He had transformed himself into a flea, whispering a plea to set him free.
"I sentence you two to fuck off!" The judge said with repentance.
The defendants was on their way for the entrance as they behind them heard: "And please wear proper clothing, too much you are exposing!"
Harry remembered that he wore the secret invisible pants that Hermoney gave him. But that was yesterday and this day they weren't here to save him. He noticed that his legs needed a shaving.
Harry started to drool again. What he thought is uncertain. Perhaps he thought of the long forgotten porridge they do not have in storage. Or maybe why his legs so tiny needs to be so shiny.
His thoughts meandered deeper into his mind. In his inner happy place, no pain he could find. It was like a spiritual homeless shelter of some kind.
Chapter 5: The deception
Harry opened his eye flaps and felt the taste of schnapps. "Don't get up! You've been through a very thorough checkup", an unknown voice said. Harry noticed he was tied to a bed.
In the distance he heard the mumble of a familiar voice - of a man who just had made a terrible choice: To forever hungry stay or his best friend greedily betray.
From the shadows Dumbledoor appeared, this time without a beard. "You can consider yourself healthy and soon you'll have a belly very wealthy."
"Untie me! I have to erase that ugly Hagrid-glee!"
Dombeldore shook his head and pulled out a contract from one of his sleeves. "Look! Your friend was about to dine on leaves. At this establishment, a fine income many receives!"
"A leaf?!" Harry muttered in disbelief. "What is this place? And what's wrong with your face?!" Dumbledoor started to cry. Harry asked why and that he didn't mean to pry.
"Come close, and you'll see that my nose is still a hose. This is not the path I chose. But hey, now it's time for you to learn to obey. In this cave you must behave as my slave."
Harry sneezed multiple times while being displeased.
"That doesn't help you one bit, you have to commit. Now you have to scratch my back all the way down to the crack."
"I also must introduce you to my good friend Mr. Bear! With him every pair of pears you must share. But beware, any food you don't care to share he will tear apart in his lair - as he has a rare sense of what's fair."
"I am completely naked and bound to this table. Something to share I'm not able. But cut me loose and I'll be your slave to abuse."
"A very tempting suggestion. Whether you'll be attempting an escape, that's the question." Dumbleboar then pulled out a couple of swords and cut off Harry's restraining cords.
Harry stepped on the cave floor ready for any slave chore. He saw the bear in the distance and maybe he was in need of assistance so towards him he skipped and found out that he was ripped.
On the ground he was resting, and every muscle he was flexing. Harry thought it was perplexing. So he just stood there – imagining a horrible nightmare.
That Fumbledoor was with the bear having an affair and would never share. After a while, Harry thought he must be a bearophile. Dumbledoor intervened: "it is time to get me cleaned"
Harry rubbed and scrubbed the old man's body, which suffered from many wrinkles and bad case of shrinkage. He couldn't believe anything could so shoddy.
"Soon you are done for today but first you must witness my ballet!" The wrinkly old man threw himself around in the room and the whole performance ended with a BOOM!
Chapter 6: The drunken monk
Debris and smoke flew everywhere and suddenly Snape was standing there. "I demand to swiftly be repaid, or else I'll set off another hand grenade!"
Dumbledoor fumbled himself out of the mess he made.
"Snape! How did you find my cave? And please, can't you behave?
There shall be no dispute, you knew that the bear is a prostitute!"
"Of course I know it, he is a former employee. But since you are bit slow and lacking wit I am here to remind you of the fee."
"Alright alright do I have to pay for last night?"
Snape said with sensuality: "no, that you can have for free."
Doubledoor started going through his groin in search of a coin. Snape looked away from the displeasing display.
Harry also started to fiddle with his groin as he thought it was just horseplay anyway. Dombledour shouted in dismay: "Stop! Please stop both of you! I would only throw a groin coin away!"
Snape was very politely seeking an answer: "Mr. Doublebored, I have heard you are an antique dancer. Can you please critique my technique?" He then started juggling his ass cheeks. It looked as if he had been practicing for weeks.
Dumbledoor noticed this and blew him a kiss and said: "I see you've been improving. I can tell by how your ass is moving. How about a dance lesson in sweat? That is, if you clear my debt."
To increase the heat Harry started cooking some meat. All around them every torch was suddenly lit. The atmosphere was perfect, Snape had to admit.
Dumbledoor gracefully leapt through the air like a swan. Snape seized the moment and bent down like a prawn furiously waving his arms in all directions with skill. But from there it all went downhill.
Dumbledorne tried to do a butterfly imitation by using his method of magic levitation. Water pumped so fast through his facial crane that he instantly went slightly more insane.
His brain was getting drained and it was impossible to balance maintain. His left nostril squirted out five times more than the right. In the air he spun faster and faster as he gained height.
Snape tried to swim against the tide but the flood took him for a ride. Harry didn't notice all the commotion as he was busy trying to fry a steak in lotion.
Hagrid cheered and laughed but that's because he is quite daft. Suddenly the water jets stopped and a passed out Dumbledoor on the floor flopped. Hagrid kept on cheering while Harry's steak was searing.
Hagrid gave the performance ten points out of ten and then accidentally smashed his monstrously large hands straight through the ceiling of this den, scaring Harry into sounding like a hen.
Huge boulders collapsed in and dust covered everything. Water sipped out of a hole in the ground and the entire cave turned into a thermal spring.
Chapter 7: The steam
"Hot diggity dirt!" Hagrid shrieked in joy as he ripped off his shirt and tripped delicately into the pool as a little brittle big boned boy.
Harry did not have anything to rip so he went for a skinny dip. Snape had found his way back after getting flushed off track. He saw Dumbledoor on the floor and gave him a thwack.
Dombledour's cheeks jiggled with increasing intensity and as he wiggled around he wondered how Snape could have such audacity.
He tried to figure out a good comeback but lacked the mental capacity. Dombledor saw the lovely hot spring in the cave room and realized there was no time to gloom because he was definitely in need of a thorough groom.
Although his face had recently received a close shave, his chest and groin growth clearly didn't behave. His buttocks were now vibrating at supersonic speed - Dobbledoor was certainly of a different breed.
While that was going on Snape was undressed and stood at the water edge like a pylon. Preparing every limb for a nice swim. The dive had to be impeccable and unforgettable.
He leapt into the air with grace but the Hagrid-laced water beneath him wasn't amazed. It raised itself into the air and embraced them all in a steamy haze. Crazed, Snape fell into the dried-out geyser with haste.
Hagrid was so happy with a steam bath not so crappy. Harry was so sad because his steak must've gone bad. And there they say in the steam. It almost felt like a dream.
Hagrid's head started aching. He felt as if there was something he had been forsaking. As if he had forgot what really is existing and that which is not.
He started twisting because his ass was itching. What could've caused this? 'Twas a mystery without bliss. He found some old cereal that had given him a disease venereal.
Hagrid thought for a long time and then he decided that this was a crime! He confessed to Harry, who professed that he couldn't process why Hagrid suddenly had become so obsessed. He must be possessed! This issue had to be addressed with success.
He took his steak he fried in lotion and it had turned into a potent potion. He rubbed it against Hagrid's darker parts. Its effectiveness was off the charts. Snape and Dumbledoor watched and wondered what else could be in store.
That fair day Hagrid and Harry set up shop up upon the mountaintop. The lair they used as a spa, of whose quality every visitor stood in awe.
In the shop they sold porridge cookbooks and people also commented on Hagrid's good looks. He felt quite beautiful. Though it is very disputable. Perhaps they just said so to get a better price. But sometimes it's good to not be wise.
They all sat down on mother earth's crust and discussed what was good and what was just. They agreed to that in each other they must always trust, that Hagrid's bust increased their lust, and that their iron will must never rust.
THE END …?