A/N: okay this is a special one-shot.. I kind of just rammed on about this, all the feelings what I'm feeling right now. And this is what I feel. Hope you guys understand and Like! Lets start this over… True Feelings into one! REVIEW HOPE YOU ENJOY!
Kelly/John Kelly/Randy
I do not own any of the characters!
Rating:K
"I bet you ten bucks you won't do it," John chuckled.
"Oh yeah?" Kelly's eyes brightened at the challenge.
"You don't have the nerve." John knew she wasn't going to let this challenge go. They hadn't been best friends for all of their lives for nothing. Sixteen years was a long time and he knew her well.
She jumped up from the blanket that she had been laying back on beside John and climbed the steep hill till she was overlooking the waterfall down below. She looked out of the landscape and sighed. It was breathtaking in its own right and she once again was blown away that she actually was in this wonderful place. Kelly eyes settled on John who was still yelling cat calls at her about not being able to go through with this. She was fine with it until she looked down. Heights had never been her strong point. She wobbled a little bit and put her hands out on some vines to steady herself.
"Kelly!" John jumped up when he seen her stumble. He climbed the steep hill and grabbed her arm to help steady her. "Are you okay?" his blue eyes etched with concern.
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's slick up here," she said, trying to get a better foothold.
"Uh huh, and you're fear isn't helping, huh?" he smiled.
"Yeah, well you know..." Kelly trailed off.
"Yeah, I know," John chuckled. Both were laughing now and trying to stay standing up. It really was slick where they were standing. "Okay, Kel, the bets off. Come on, I'll buy you lunch."
Kelly turned to climb down the hill and she thought that John was behind her until she heard him scream.
"John!" Mary screamed, running to the edge of the waterfall. John had fell.
4 years later
"Come on Kel, let's go!" Eve called, wanting to check out that waterfall she had heard so much about.
"Eve, it will still be there no matter what time we get there," Kelly pointed out, stumbling down the hallway. She wasn't looking forward to going back to that waterfall. Her best friend had died there and every time she went back there the memories of their last time together filled her head. She couldn't shake them.
"I know but the guys will be here soon and I want to be ready to leave when they get here," Eve whined.
"Okay okay," Kelly headed for the bathroom and closed the door loudly behind her.
Eve jumped and then smiled at the closed door. She knew why Kelly was acting this way but she also knew that she had to face this and not keep running from it.
Twenty minutes later Kelly emerged from the bathroom and seen that Randy and Zack were now there.
"Ready to go?" Randy smiled, kissing the top of her head.
"I guess so," Kelly answered. Why was this bothering her so much this time. She had been back there hundreds of times since John's death. Why was it so hard now? She knew why. Randy was with her now and she'd never went there with another guy since John. John had been her best friend but she had loved him even though he hadn't known. She felt like she was invading John's memory by having Randy there. Why had she agreed to this? Because Eve had wanted to spend time with Zack at the cabin and Kelly had to be there for her to be able to. And of course Randy had to come when he heard. She loved him but this was so hard for her. Randy noticed the change in her and gave Eve a strange look. Eve gave him and understanding look and they all headed for the trail that would lead them to the river.
"Come on," Randy was trying to get Kelly in the water.
She looked over at Eve and Zack splashing around in the water and having a wonderful time. Kelly's thoughts drifted back to when John and her would do the same thing. She couldn't make new memories here with Randy. It would hurt her memories of John, wouldn't it?
"Kelly, what's wrong?" Randy's concerned voice lifted her from her memories of John.
Her brown eyes studied Randy's face for a few moments before she answered him. "I can't be here with you, Randy. I just can't." She jumped up and ran down the path that lead back to the cabin.
Randy jumped up to follow her but Eve's hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Give her some time alone first, okay? She needs to figure out what's going through her head right now."
He nodded and wondered around the area lost in his own thoughts for a little while, giving Kelly some time to do what Eve had said. He walked up the steep hill and stood looking over at the waterfall and the river down below. The view was really something and Randy was in awe of the beauty and wonder of it all. He turned to go back down the hill and back to the cabin, when his eye caught something shiny trapped under some rocks. Randy leaned down and pulled the chain from where it had been trapped. Dangling on the end of it was a charm but Randy couldn't make out what was on it because it was too rusted and dirty. Randy held on to the necklace and continued down the hill and then up the path back to the cabin.
"Kelly?" Randy called when he entered the cabin. There was no sign of her and Randy dropped the chain he had found on the table and went looking around for her. He check all of the rooms and she wasn't there. "Where is she?" Randy mumbled. Glancing out the side window, he see her sitting on the swing hanging from the tree out back. Randy went out the side door and came up behind her. "Want to talk about it?" he asked.
Kelly turned and looked at him. Her tears were falling silently and the pain was clear on her face. She shook her head, "No, I mean what's there to talk about? He's gone and nothing can bring him back." Kelly wrapped her arms around herself and leaned forward, silent sobs racking her body. Randy put his arms around her and held her until her crying calmed down.
"It's okay, baby," he soothed. He rubbed her back and pushed her hair behind her ear.
The whole place was filled with ghosts from her past and she wasn't sure how to deal with them. John was dead and nothing could bring him back. The pain was so unreal. When would the hurt go away?
"Come on, it looks like it's going to rain and we need to get you inside." Randy took her hands and pulled her to her feet. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't even notice Randy leading her inside. Eve and Zack were back and they noticed Randy and Kelly and headed for their room. They had decided to give them some privacy and get this figured out.
Randy sat silently beside her studying her for a long while. The rain had started coming down and the big picture windows made it seem like they were right out there in it. Kelly stared wordlessly out the window but Randy could tell she wasn't seeing the rain. Her thoughts were millions of miles away. He knew that this place would remind her of John but he had hoped that time had healed the hurt but he knew now that he had been wrong.
"Kelly, talk to me," Randy told her. "Please, don't shut me out." He held onto her hands and rubbed them between the two of his. "Talk to me."
She blinked and one lone tear slid down her cheek. "I can't," she answered, almost in a whisper.
"Why not, honey? I want to help you. I really do but how can I if you won't talk to me?"
"It hurts too much, Randy. I'm sorry but I just can't do this. I shouldn't have come here. It wasn't a good idea. Especially with you. I'm disrespecting John and he'll be so upset with me.." kelly continued to ramble on saying things that were jumbled and pointless but Randy stopped listening once he had heard her say that about John. He turned her chin so that she had to look at him.
"What do you mean that you are disrespecting John and him being upset with you?"
"John was my best friend. He was the only guy I ever came here with," Kelly's eyes met Randy's, "until you."
"How is that a bad thing?" Randy wanted to know.
Kelly turned away from him again and shook her head. Her eyes wondered around the room and settled on the picture of her and John when they had been ten years old. It had been after they had won the boating contest at the river and they had their trophies in their hands and the excitement to their faces could have lit up the room. He eyes continued looking at the different pictures until they settled on the table across the room. Something caught her eye. It couldn't be, she thought. Kelly jumped up and her sudden movement startled Randy.
"What's wrong?" he jumped up and looked at her.
Kelly picked the chain up that Randy had found at the river. Her eyes met Randy's, "Wh-where did you find this?"
"The river. It was on the hill under a rock," Randy's confusion was clear.
"It's a sign," Kelly said.
"A sign?" Randy was getting more confused by the minute.
"He's telling me that I shouldn't have brought you here," Kelly announced.
Randy couldn't have been more hurt than if she would have punched him in the stomach. He loved her and he knew she loved him but she loved John's ghost more. How could he compete with a ghost?
Randy walked over to Kelly and looked at her a long time before saying anything. When he did speak he chose his words carefully. "Kelly, I can't keep trying to compete with John. I'll never win."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You have to let John go a little if we are going to make it." Kelly tried to interrupt but Randy kept going. "I don't mean forget about him. I don't mean that at all but you have got to stop trying to please a ghost. Dammit, this is tearing us apart. I've tried to be understanding and not be hurt by all of this. I knew what I was getting into from the start. You never hid anything but I didn't realize how hard it would be to make your girlfriend love you more than she loves her dead best friend."
Randy's words stung her. Maybe because in some ways he was right but he could have worded it differently. Something. She stared at him for a long time without saying anything. The pain of his words hitting her but she didn't know what to do. She loved Randy with all of her heart but she also would always love John. There wasn't a question of that in her mind either. "What do you want me to do? I can't help the way I feel. I know that I'm unfair to you a lot of the time and I'm sorry but I don't know how to fix it."
"Do you want me to help you? Are you ready to let go yet?" Randy's cloudy blue eyes tried to read her but she was shutting her emotions off from his view. He hated it when she got like that. She could turn her emotions off in the blink of an eye. It scared him sometimes with how well she could do that.
Kelly thought about that, Randy helping her get over John's ghost. "I wish John were here. He always knew what to do. What would John want me to do?"
That did it for Randy. "Kelly, stop using John as an escape from having to feel anything on your own. That's what you are doing! You have been using him as an excuse ever since he died! You were afraid of disrespecting him by being with me but yet you use him to stop yourself from having to live. How do you think he'd feel about that!" Randy was frustrated with her and he had a right to be but he wished he could have been a bit nicer to her about it. Oh well, too late now, he thought.
Randy's screaming brought Eve and Zack back out into the living room. "What's going on?" Eve asked. Her eyes passed over an angry and confused looking Randy to a very emotionally high strung Kelly. She could tell that both looked ready to snap. It wasn't good. The tension in the room was so thick. Eve exchanged looks with Zack and then turned to Kelly. "Come on, Kel," she pulled her friend into the kitchen.
"Okay what's going on?" Eve wanted to know.
"He's mad at me," Kelly simply said.
"Well, I kinda figured that out. Why?"
"Well, it's kinda..well.."
"John," Eve knew that John was a common problem for her friend. Most guys got tired of trying to live up to the standards he had left behind in Kelly's eyes. Randy had been the first to try and stick it out. Eve knew he loved her friend or he would have given up on her a long time ago.
Kelly nodded, tears in her eyes. "Eve, I know I'm being so unfair to him. Why does he stay around? It has to be so hard trying to put up with all of this."
"He loves you. But you are right, I have no clue why he puts up with you. I wouldn't. Kelly, you have to let John go. Dammit he's dead and you have got to stop all this with him. It's not healthy."
"Eve, I know but I can't. It's so hard to try and do all of this on my own. He was always there for me. I was never alone before he died. John was always there or not too far away. I'll never have that again and it's so hard to accept that."
"You better learn how to accept it or you're going to lose a great guy out there. Randy will try and help you with this but even he's going to get tired of always being second to a ghost. John will not fade in your heart if you give Randy a part of it. Doesn't Randy deserve at least that much? You can't live your life in a bubble and expect to have a normal and happy life. Even the most perfect things have a few scratches and blemishes. It makes them balanced. Don't screw this up," Eve told her.
"What if I already have?" Kelly slumped into one of the chairs and laid her head on her arms on the table.
"No, you haven't yet but go out there and make sure that he knows what's in your head. I know that this is going to take work and time for you and I'm pretty sure Randy knows this but make sure he knows you're trying. He deserves to know if you can let go of John and love him at least half as much or if he's wasting his time." Eve never was one to sugar coat things. As much as Kelly hated what she was hearing, she had to admit that Eve was right. She hated it when that happened.
"Okay, I'll talk to him." Kelly stood up and turned to go back to the living room and stopped. Could she do this? She HAD to do it if she didn't want to lose Randy. She did love him. She loved him so much and that's why this scared her so much. She was afraid that she loved him more than she had ever loved John and that was something that scared the hell out of her.
She entered the living room and didn't see Randy but Zack was watching the game on television. "Where'd Randy go?" Zack motioned down the hall and Kelly headed for their room.
The door was shut and she stared at it a few moments trying to get her scattered thoughts together. She knew that she had to prove to him that she loved him, but how? Would mere words be able to express the feelings that go through her just from a look from him in her direction? Could she explain to him how those feelings scared her and made her go back to when she had felt safest? John had always promised to keep her safe from the world. He had promised her the moon and the stars. He had made her feel safe and so his memory helped her deal with her feelings now with Randy. He scared her. Or no he didn't but the things he made her feel did. Taking a deep breath, Kelly entered the room.
Randy's back was to her and she could tell from his posture that he was still upset and a little angry.
"I'm sorry," she said softly.
Randy turned to look at her and she seen the tears in his eyes that he had tried to blink back so that she wouldn't see. Randy's face wasn't one that she could easily read. He was just as good as she was at hiding his emotions when he wanted to. He obviously wanted to right now.
"Randy, I know that I can't keep doing this to you. I know that it's only unfair to you and to me. I do love you. I love you so much." She walked closer to him and put her arms around his waist. He didn't move away from her and so she looked into his eyes a second before she kissed him.
Randy didn't want to respond to her. He was still upset and wasn't sure if she was playing mind games with him or what but like always when she was near him, he couldn't help but tighten his arms around her and kissed her back.
The kiss ended and although she tried to get him caught up in another one, he had to find out what was going through her head first. He had been hurt before and he'd be damned if it was going to happen again. "So was that me or John you just kissed?" Randy asked her.
Randy's words stung at her. The tears that she couldn't seem to control today, started flowing once again. She sat on the bed and looked at him. "You. Randy, I know that I've been so unfair to you. I know that John's dead and that I can't keep bring him between us. I don't do it for the reasons that you think. I love you, Randy and that is something so new to me. You're the first guy I've loved since John. That isn't what scares me though." She looked up into his eyes, "I love you more than I ever loved John and I hate myself for it." Her head fell and her gaze stayed on her hands that were in her lap.
Randy dropped down in front of her and took her hands in his. "Why?" he asked.
Kelly took a deep breath, trying to figure that out herself. "I guess because in some ways you remind me so much of him that at times you could almost be him and so I feel like maybe I'm being unfair to you. I don't want you to ever think I am trying to use you as a substitute to John. Randy, John was my best friend. We never dated. He only kissed me once and that was because I was sweet sixteen and never been kissed." Kelly smiled at her memory.
Randy's eyes smiled into hers. He didn't want her to have to hide her memories of John. He just wanted her to be able to remember the good times of the past and not forsake the future because of them.
"I'm in love with you Randy not John. I use to think that I had been in love with John and hated myself for never telling him but it was nothing like what I feel with I'm with you."
Randy looked at her for a minute before leaning up and kissing her gently. His eyes met hers and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders pulling him closer and kissing him deeply. Randy pulled her close and hugged her after the kiss ended.
"Come on, we came here to enjoy this place and so let's go check out the river. I hear there's an incredible waterfall," Kelly smiled. She pulled Randy out of the room and went to get Eve and Zack. She was going to face this and she was going to let John's ghost go. The memories would always be there when she needed them but right now she had Randy and he needed her more than her memories did.