Hurt
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ruthie sat in the waiting room holding her breath. She wasn't ready to hear what the doctors were going to tell her. She knew this was coming. How could I have been so selfish? I should have just come home from Scotland like he asked. I had to argue with him even...even after he told me.
"Mrs. Camden..." Her mother stood up and walked over to the doctor she had tears in her eyes.
"How is he?" Her mother's voice trembled as she asked the question nobody wanted to ask. All of the Camden children looked up fearfully at the doctor. Ruthie looked around, she hated seeing her entire family in so much pain. Yet she knew, this would just be the beginning.
"I'm sorry. But he died..." Ruthie was unable to hear the rest. She knew he was still talking but it was like the whole world had just fallen silent. At least her whole world. She couldn't believe he was gone. She wasn't thinking anymore, it was like someone else had taken over her body and she was watching from a distance. She watched as she got up and walked out of the waiting room.
"Ruthie?" Lucy had looked up in time to see her sister running out of the waiting room. She ran through the double doors. She could hear someone screaming but didn't know who. She just kept running, she could feel arms grabbing her trying to stop her but she just pushed past them. She finally reached the room she was looking for. I knew he was still here. I knew he wouldn't leave me. She flung her arms around him.
"Wake-up! Daddy wake-up!" She could hear the screaming again. "Daddy, wakeup they're trying to take you away!" The doctors were trying to pull her off. Her family was standing in the doorway watching. "DADDY!"
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you
but I know you won't be there
The wind whipped against her face. Tears streaking against her cheeks. Her black dress was wrapped tightly against her legs due to the wind. I can't believe he's gone...I can't believe I'll never be able to touch him again...or hug him...or tell him I love him. She was awoken from her trance when she felt someone's hand placed upon her shoulder. She looked up and saw Lucy standing there she just looked at her expression blank.
"Ruthie?" Lucy looked hesitantly at her sister. Ruthie refused to look her sister in the eye. She kept her eyes focused on the ground. She felt Lucy's arms wrap around her neck as she pulled her into a hug. Ruthie patted her on the back in an attempt to reciprocate the hug. When Lucy pulled away she had tears in her eyes. Ruthie looked at her sister as though she had never seen her before. Her hair was gently resting on her shoulder. Her face was hollow and her eyes were shining with tears. The eyeliner around her eyes was smudged at the edges. She was wearing her minister robes. Ruthie had forgotten that Lucy was going to give the Eulogy. To be honest she didn't even remember the service was today or even coming. One moment she was crying herself to sleep the next she was standing alone outside of her father's church. Everyone around her decked out in long black dresses and skirts or extravagant suits with plain colored ties. "Shall we go in?" Ruthie looked at her with a slightly angry expression on her face but nodded anyway and walked past her, making sure to get into the church ahead of Lucy. She could feel all the eyes on her; she could hear all the people whispering about her as she walked by. She sat down at beginning of the first row beside her mother. She refused to look at her mother. She didn't want to look anywhere but at her feet. She decided to pass the time by playing with a piece of thread that was loose from her dress.
"Welcome..." Her sister's voice magnified throughout the church. "I'm sad to say that we are gathered here today on such a..." Ruthie attention wandered in and out of her sister's speech. There were parts she didn't want to here and others she did. "My father was a great man. He always helped those who needed him. Sometimes more then they wanted but he was always respectful. He was a generous and kind man..." Ruthie returned to picking at her skirt. Trying to keep the sob that was building in her throat from escaping. She heard Lucy begin to speak again. She looked up at the picture of her father. He looked so happy his eyes were shining and their wasn't a single worry line on his face.
"As a father he always tried to instill values in us. He taught us right from wrong and wanted us to help others in need. As a husband he made sure my mother knew how much he loved her. He was always there for her through sickness and in health as she was for him. As a minister he made sure everyone knew he was available. He helped anyone needed him sometimes more then they wanted but was always respectful. He knew he was put here for a reason and he lived his life trying to do just that. He was my inspiration and the inspiration to many. Today we are here to say goodbye to this wonderful man who was recently stolen from us..." Ruthie did not hear the rest of Lucy's speech because she jumped up and ran down the aisle. Tears streaming down her face. She didn't even care that people were now blatantly pointing and whispering at her. She just kept running. Tears filled her eyes pouring down her cheeks and dropping on to her chest. Her vision blurred from the tears. She didn't stop until her feet gave out. She looked around trying to blink back the tears in her eyes. She was more then 20 miles from the church. Her knees were burning and she could feel the blood warming her shins as is dripped down her legs. She pulled herself close to the wall. Wiping the dirt and blood from her legs. Her heart was hammering in her throat and her chest was searing in pain. Every breath burned from her nose to her chest and piercing stitch was puncturing her side.
"DADDY!" Her voice was shaky and dabbled with choked tears. "DADDY! PLEASE COME BACK! I'M SORRY! DADDY!" She sat there her body trembling from her sobs and the cold air filling her lungs. Her screams echoing along the deserted street.
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
"I'm not coming home!" Ruthie screamed into the phone. She was sitting in her cool dormitory as the sun beat down upon the grass outside. She was sitting at her desk her face flaming red.
"You don't have a choice." Her father's voice was calm. "Lucy told us that your semester has ended and that she has been paying for you to stay there longer. I have told her that she can no longer do that and that you have to come ho--"
"NO! You can't do that!" She was screaming in to the phone so hard that her voice was cracking. "I'm staying in Scotland! Why would I want to leave here to go back to that stupid school in stupid Glenoak!"
"Ruthie, I have been patient with you but--"
"No! If you want me to come home then you'll have to come and get me yourself! Your being so unfair I hate--"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Her father raised his voice. Ruthie stopped she looked at the phone tempted to just hang up. "I didn't want to tell you this over the phone. But seeing as you are refusing to come home..."
"What? What are you talking about your just going to say something to try and make me--"
"I'm dying..." Ruthie froze. She had not expecting this. "Ruthie...you have to come home..."
"Like I said you just wanted to make me come home!" Ruthie hung up. Throwing her phone onto her bed. She sobbed into her pillow screaming at herself for what she had just done. Meanwhile her father was sitting in the kitchen holding the phone to his ear. He couldn't believe she had just hung up. He was dying and she didn't even care. Tears were leaking out of his eyes. He rested his head into his hands and just sat there crying.
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
Ruthie sat in her room pretending to do her homework. Her grades had dropped to just above failing since her father's death. It had been four months since he died and she barely spoke to anyone. When she did speak, it was always with such a ferociousness that nobody wanted to bother her; Afraid they might upset her if they did. She spent most of her time locked away in her room. Ruthie was shaken from her thoughts when she heard a knock at her door.
"I'm doing homework," She replied calmly. Boredom riddled in her tone. The door pushed open. Ruthie rolled her eyes and looked up. "I said I'm doing homework…" Her voice trailed off. She had expected her mother or maybe even Lucy but not the person that was now standing in front of her.
"Hey Ruthie," Martin said as he smiled meekly at her. She stared at him dumbstruck. She still couldn't believe he was here she hadn't seen him since her father's funeral.
"What…what are you doing here?" She looked at him, her expression a mixture of resentment and disgust. "I thought you were staying with Sandy to take of your Son" She sneered, making sure to put a particularly nasty emphasis son.
"Don't talk about Aaron that way!" Martin snapped back. He took a menacing step closer. Ruthie broke his gaze and looked down at her mattress angrily as if it had been the one to just yell at her. "You can't talk to people however you want to. You're not the only one who's taking his death hard."
"He wasn't your father!" She stood up glaring at him.
"Yeah, well I at least acted like I cared!"
"Shut up! You don't know anything—" She was half screaming half crying.
"I know that you refused to come home from Scotland, even after he told you he was dying! All you cared about was yourself! You treated him horrible the weeks leading up to his death and you didn't even visit him the first time he was in the hospital!" The two were standing inches apart. The top of Ruthie's head only reached the start of his neck and yet she looked more threatening then he did.
"SHUT UP WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THIS!" She pushed him out of her way. He turned and grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him.
"YOU'RE THE MOST SELFISH PERSON I'VE EVER MET! YOU'RE JUST USING HIS DEATH AS AN EXCUSE TO ISOLATE YOURSELF! JUST LIKE YOU DID WITH SCOTLAND! JUST LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU GOT HOME—" A loud noise echoed through the room as her hand slapped him across the face.
"I H-HATE Y-YOU!" She screamed pushing past him. She ran down the steps pounding hard upon each step. Tears streaking down her face.
"Where are you going?" Annie asked cautiously.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" She grabbed her jacket and looked back at her mother. Her face was caught between anger and pain. "How could you do that to me?" She shook her head and slammed the door behind her.
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
Ruthie knelt down on the warm grass pressing her outstretched hand onto the stone in front of her. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and onto the grass in front of her.
"D-d-daddy!" She managed to choke out as she placed her forehead against the stone. "I-I-I'm Sorry…" her voice trailed off. Her shoulders trembling with every sob. She sat there for hours, the only sound her sobs muffled against the stone.
"Ruthie…" She didn't need to look up or turn around. She knew who was speaking and she had heard him coming for the past five minutes. He was the last person she wanted to see at the moment.
"Again…I repeat…what…are…you…doing here," Her voice catching between every breath.
"I'm sorry…" Martin said walking a little closer. Ruthie picked up her head and turned to face him.
"Sorry? That's all you c-can say!" Her lips trembling with every word. She looked at him incredulously.
"I didn't…I shouldn't…I don't…no what to say…" She looked into his eyes, they were shining with what she thought might be tears. His hands were dug deep into his pockets, as if he were trying to punch a hole through them.
"I l-loved him—" Her voice choked as she tried to suppress another sob. She turned away from him to hide the tears that were forming at the corners of her eyes. He walked over and knelt down beside her.
"I know you did…" Martin said slowly. He looked sadly at the perfectly colored gray stone in front of them. "I think…I was just…disappointed…in you…"
"I hate myself…" She cried. "I loved him so m-much! Look how I t-treated him! I was just so…scared…I didn't want to l-lose him…b-but I did anyway…" Martin placed his hand on her shoulder as she cried into her hands.
"He knew you loved him..."
"How? I was h-horrible to him…" she sobbed.
"Because that's just how your father was…and he wouldn't want you to go on like this…he knew he was leaving Ruthie…" Martin looked deeply into her eyes. For the first time he saw the sadness behind the mask. She threw her arms around him crying. "I love you Ruthie…"
"I l-love you t-too…" Her voice muffled through his shirt.
"Not…just as a friend…" He whispered. She pulled away and looked at him.
"What?" He looked deeply into her eyes and knew he had never meant anything more in his life.
"I love you! That's why I came to visit you…" He said trailing off. He put his hand gently beneath her chin and pulled her close to him, placing a gentle kiss on the folds of her lips.
"I love you too, Martin," She whispered back. A smile spreading across her face. His eyes lit up he knew this was probably the first time she smiled since she got home from Scotland in September. "Let's go home…"Martin took her hand in his and pulled her to her feet. Ruthie looked back for a moment. " You go on ahead I'll be right there…" He nodded and walked away squeezing her hand gently before breaking away. She knelt back down and took a deep breath. She raised her head and looked at her Father's Grave.
Eric James Camden, January 16th 1957 – November 18th 2006
Beloved Father, Husband, and Minister
In God We Trust
"Daddy…I'm Sorry…I love you…" Her voice was barely above a whisper. She placed her hand over the 'In God We Trust' "I know you're happy… And I'll always love you…" She stood up and wiped away a tear that was trickling down her cheek. She turned around and walked towards where Martin was standing.
"You ready?" He asked gently reaching out to take her hand. She nodded smiling. They headed towards the gate. She slowly looked back one last time. And for a moment thought she saw her father standing there smiling at her. She smiled back as a warm breeze brushed her face.
"I love you too," She whispered. "Goodbye" She turned back and headed out arm in arm with Martin.
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
A/N: This is my first Oneshot and I hope you all liked it! It taken me a couple days to write it so that I got it perfect. I think it's really good so please let me know what you think. Thank you!