Sweeney Potter: Demon Wizard of Nottingham Street
Chapter 1
A Normal Day in Voldy's Life
I'm adding the sheriff of Nottingham in like chapter 3
NG: Hey Voldy! Your so fine your so fine you blow my mind, hey voldy, hey hey voldy, ( jumping up and down.
V: Do I know you dah-link ( smoking Marilyn Monroe type cigarette)
NG: I don't know, do you?( fan girl squeal that sound like feed back)
( death eaters shriek from the hideous sound ducking under the table like puppies)
V: Please babe don't do that.
SS: ( takes ear plugs out.) what?
V: You keep in ear plugs?
SS: I have to. Occupation calls for it.
V: OK, What did you want to tell me again ( reads name tag slowly) New Guy?
NG: I have a plan, and it will definitely help us catch Harry Potter.
V: Really and what is this plan?
NG: Here's Harry Potter, standing up, practicing his magic, whoop-de-doo...then we capture him, on our yacht. Then we slice him up, like salami.
V: We have a yacht? And slice him up! Wizards are not violent psychopaths.
LM: Er... we had a yacht since we had your surprise "we failed once again at catching Harry Potter, but we can still have a break because I don't won't to be all stressed out about something that just can't be fixed unless I finally have the guts to fix it, but I'm such a wimp, I'll invite my death eaters to come pity me as I cry my eyes out about my failures" party, Remember Bella's bringing the bon-bons. We are not RAGING psychopaths maybe like disturbed next door neighbors.
V: Ah, makes since, but disturbed next door neighbor, come on Bella at least has to be an escaped loony, I think I'm a creepy doctor.
LM: Maybe your a bit more than a creepy doctor. Kinda of egomaniac with a side of Stockholm disease riddled with a pinch of Schizophrenia and a delicious taste of your everyday nutty.
F: Lovely point. I caught him sniffing his fingers yesterday.
V: They had barbeque sauce on them! And Schizophrenia? I am most certainly not! ( scratches at hallucinated bug.) Eww get off.
LM: Umm... denial is not just a river in Peru.
SS: Egypt. You may look girly but you sure are dumb. (Bellatrix is about to drink something.) Don't drink that, Voldemort was trying to poison you.
V: Damn Severus! You talk to much!
Ng: Like my wife poisoned herself…
(Everyone looks at the new person)
V: What did you say?
NG: like- as in similar- my- mine- wife- companion to husband- poisoned- drank arsenic- herself.
V: Right. So…I want pizza. New person, you're in charge of pizza.
SS: Can we have stuffed crust?
All in Unison: Mmm...Stuffed crust.
V: Sure, we can stuff as many crust as our runny butts can take.
D: What? How does that make sense?
V: Diarrhea makes sense.
SS: I'm thirsty. Like my throat is completely dry.
V: So...
SS: Get me something to drink!
V: Fine! Wormy get Severus here some-
SS: Vanilla Coca Cola.
LM: Butter beer.
V: Who asked you himbo?
LM: Nobody sweetums but I figured since we-
V: Lucy. Just shut up!
NG: Blood, guts, and intestines!
(Everyone glares at NG)
F: Rock on new guy!
V: Well we can order diet blood.
LM: does diet blood have salt?
SS: I don't like salty shit.
LM: Then stop sucking off Potter.
Death Eaters; Oooo.
SS: Lucius go fuck your boyfriend.
Death E: Oooo.
( Voldemort is noticing that Sweeney is stabbing a judge Turpin voodoo doll. )
LM: He loves me… even if he did call me stupid. Don't you love me Voldemort?
V: Um… N-yes. But I think Severus has prettier eyes.
LM: But you said my eyes were-
V: I've noticed that the new guy is strange, violent, and emo.
P: (Jumping up and down) Ooo, Ooo! I know! I know!
V: Sit down! Just use your buzzer
(Pious hits violently on his buzzer yet no sound.)
P: It's broken!
( Fenrir buzzes his)
Fenrir: Who is… Sweeney Todd?
V: Congratulations! You just won Jeopardy!
(confetti explodes from Pious' buzzer)
V: That's probably why it wasn't working.
P: You think?
W: No, no celebration! I saw the movie! He's going to kill me!
SS: Sweeney…
ST: Yes, Hans Gruber…
V: You can hate from afar, but you can't kill snape's mini-me.
ST: Okay…
SS: Mini- me can you get him a pumpkin juice?
W: Yes, milord.
ST: He helped kill my wife! (Pointing at Wormtail)
W: He said hate from afar!
ST: Lucky.
SS: See it's that easy, Mr. Todd. I'll even buy you a killer's guide to redemption.
ST: (grumbles) stupid guide.
V: Sweeney…as a consolation to the deaths of your foes, will you like playing golf with flamingos and porcupines? Then after wards you can screw one of my prostitutes.
ST: are we drinking pineapple juice from turtle shells?
V: We are in fact.
ST: Lovely.
A Normal Day in Voldy's Life Part 2
(The Death Eaters are playing golf with flamingos and porcupines)
V: Hmm...Snape. Choose a putt for me.
SS: I recommend a pink African flamingo, they hit well, as well as the smallest porcupine for the best shot.
V: Fine, Wormtail handle the porcupine.
W: But it will-
V: excusez-moi?
W: I don't speak French...
ST: Yes you do you wife killing, lady chasing little piece of s-
V: Dude…chill. Put away your little knife and go get me some soda.
ST: Okay. (stomps away)
V: Wormtail you disgust me.
W: Thank you milord.
SS: I thought I was his milord. The Dark lord is my lord, you idiot.
V: Severus… really?
SS: Yeah! Until we settle out who is who's milord and my lord, I'm Duke of The Oogie Boogie Potions and Whores!
F: But that's my nickname.
SS: For now you'll be the Earl of Funkadelic Disco.
F: I like that. ( starts to do the hump)
V: What about me? Do I get an 70's related nickname.
LM: You can be the high priest of party town. I'm the Bishop of all things feminine and sexy.
P: I claim the Judge Hot pants.
(Voldemort is snickering.)
V: You don't look hot in hot pants.
SS: I do ( pulls off robes and shakes hot pants clad ass vigorously.
B: What's that smell? Out of Snape's ass?
SS: Don't be a hater bitch!
(Everyone sniffs)
V: Smells like fat kids, red heads, short guys- not you Mundungus , and …Potter?
(Harry bursts in with a humongous explosion behind him.)
H: I'm here to kill you Tom.
V :( whispering) Quick everyone act like it's your first time seeing him.
(Everyone acts like they just saw him)
V: Hi, I'm Lord Voldemort. Have I threatened your life before?
H: What? Of course you have, ever since I was one.
SS: Hey…I think I know you from that taco place in…Tacoma?
H: Um...I'm Harry Potter? You all want me impaled on a spear…well, not you snape because-
SS: Shut up. They don't need to know.
V: Hmm...Doesn't ring a bell? Ring a bell to any of you?
(Death eaters shake their heads)
H: I'll be leaving then…
V: Wait…I have something to tell you, Hair-eee Pot-err.
H: Yes, Lord Voldemort?
V: Avada Kedavra!
A Normal Day in Voldy's Life Part 3
(Bellatrix is talking to Voldy in his office.)
V: Okay, Bellatrix. What did you get me for my birthday?
B: My toenails in a jar, and my hair in a fluffy sweater.
V: Okay… Bella why would you do that?
B: Love.
V: Sit on the other side of the room.
(Bellatrix sits on the opposite side of the room. She is writing a letter.)
V: All right, now that Potter is dead, I can worry about what I am going to do about this house. We need it remodeled into a thousand bedroom mansion, with eight hundred- Bellatrix what are you doing?
B: Sending you a letter…Read it.
(Voldemort opens letter.)
V: "Dear Voldy Pooh, I watched you while you slept, and smelled your robes. You smell like peppermint and pumpkins. Is it your body wash or your natural scent-" Bella! Why were you in my room?
B: …
V: Clearly, we are going to need to set some boundaries. There will be no odd robe sniffing, no weird letters, and no-
(Bellatrix is rubbing Voldemort through his robes. Voldemort is staring at her)
B: ( looks up) Hi. (Continues rubbing)
V: Hey…don't wanna ruin your fun but stop it. I thought I said no touching me.
B: You said I can't sniff your robes, so I can RUB your trousers, shirts, socks, and other materials.
V: All right, no touching anything that is in my possession. Please leave me alone.
B: Oh…Can I take one mismatch sock, or tie, or shoe…
V: (sighs) Accio Sock. Wait, I don't even wear socks…( hands her a dirty napkin)
B: (Bellatrix rubs napkin on her face) Anything will do. Thanks.
Chapter 2
Sleepover
V: Okay since everyone is here, we can start on the fun. The makeovers or pillow fight first?
F: Pillow fight.
L: Makeovers!
SS: Pillow Fight.
ST: Pillow fight. So I can beat a certain judge to-
(Everyone is staring at him)
ST: I mean…makeovers… whoo?
V: Okay, makeovers! Snape, get the nail polish.
SS: Wouldn't be cool if all of our nails would match?
V: LOL, like totally…
D: He just said like totally…
F: orange.
L: purple, like the color of juicy grapes on a succulent vine.
SS: is it truly all that?
LM: The color grape inspires me.
ST: Blood- red. Like blood flowing from Turpin's neck, or a vampire finishing off his victim.
(Everyone is staring at him, frightened this time)
ST: Chartreuse? Like Bella's teeth?
V: Uh-huh.
L: I like sparkly stuff. ( giggles)
V: ( non-existent eye brows raise)
ST: Can we tell some scary stories until the sheriff gets here?
V: Yeah… I guess we can.
Part 2
(Draco, Severus, Fenrir, Lucius, and Voldemort, Sweeney are sitting around a magical fire, telling a story.)
D: And then, the magical cranberry ate the chicken leg… the chicken's family never knew that cranberries had mouths.
L: What was that? A magical cranberry… I told Narcissa one drop on the head was enough for a child to go crazy, but no-she's a Black!
ST: See, childhood head dropping is dangerous.
SS: says the creepy guy making references to killing judges.
ST: says the creeper judge who is infatuated with a woman ¾ his age.
D: (to the tune of Barbie Girl) Distract, distraction, distract, distraction, distraction, distraction…
V: Sweeney…hate from afar?
ST: (sighs)
SS: Once upon a time, a wizard went into Borgin& Burks, and he saw the most horrible thing in his life…
F: Wizards?
D: Harry Potter?
L: Unfashionable shoes?
ST: Nellie Lovett?
V: Half Bloods?
(Harry pops up out of nowhere) Hypocrite!
V: Shut up you!
(Harry disappears)
SS: No… Margaret Thatcher.
( everyone shivers)
L: I totally thought you were going to saw shampoo.
SS: Really? I actually wash my hair. This is just a wig. ( takes off wig and revels Sheriff of Nottingham styled hair.)
Everyone: whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
SS: I know lush isn't it.
L: Give me your hair tips oh sexy one.
SS: Hell naw baby , gotta keep dis sweetness to myself
V: Wow and to think we thought you a greasy git.
L: I know life is full of-
SS: Lucy my hair hates you , shut up.
L: Ugh angst attack, ( falls back twitching)
Fenrir:(listening to a muggle MP3) Super, super, I'm super, super girl
SS: is that Hannah Montana? ( while brushing his luscious hair)
V: I bet it is…Can I listen?
F: Shut up! ( bobbing his head) when I walk in the room everybody stops, cameras flashing-
L: I wanna listen.
V: Draco, provide us with some music.
L: Yeah. Make sure it's Hannah Montana!
ST: That's gay. (Laughing)
SS: You sucked dick for like fifteen years in prison.
ST: ( silent scratches his skunk hair.)
D: Absolutely. I've got my heart set on you and I'm ready to play…
All: the last time I freak out. I just kept looking down I stu-stu-stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinking bout, felt like I couldn't breath-
( knocking on door)
D: Who is it?
V: My buddy! The sheriff came to play with us for the day!
SS: Will I like him?
V: We'll see… I want you two to get more than friendly.
SS: What?
V: Draco!
D: nobody's perfect, you live it you learn it…
Chapter 3
( the sheriff of Nottingham is one of Voldemort's friends)
V: Welcome to my bake off. As you see, I am wearing Bella's blouse and we have a guest. the Metatron couldn't make it.
McNair: Doesn't Bella have "issues"?
( death eaters open their mouths)
V: No people she doesn't have boob crabs.
( death eaters sigh)
SON: Awww….
L: Why are you wearing a purple shirt? It's really not your color.
V: Why are you such an idiot? My tone works perfectly well with purple.
L: No it doesn't and you realize all of Bellatrix's clothing is infested with gonorrhea and all her lacerating cooties?
V: She doesn't- ( touches face, and licks his hand)I'll be back.
SON: ( to Sweeney) Why did he lick his fingers?
ST: I don't know, but we'll ask him.
SN: NO! I'm shy and I'm afraid he won't give me a cookie!
LM: HE PROMISED YOU A COOKIE!
SN: ( sticks tongue out) and you can't have any.
SS: Cookie sharing is a step closer to lover.
LM: Severus we both know he is my lover!
SS: He was in my room last night.
LM: Doing what?
SS: I don't know( giggling) he has a big-
V: Holy Canoli! All that cream filled goodness got in me trousers
SS: exactly!
V: Pious what did you bring?
ST: ( raising his hand)
V: Yes little school boy.
ST: Why'd you lick your fingers?
V: Bella has odd habits.
ST: Like?
V: ( whispers something into Sweeney's ear. Sweeney's face screws up.)
( Sweeney is now fidgeting like a little girl.)
V: Back to you Pious.
P: a pecan log.
ST: Ooo… sweet yummy delicious mounds of pecan, and yummy.
SN: I brought my pet chick slave.
SS: that's nice. Is she pretty?
SN: Not as pretty as you.
SS: ( giggles)
V: (wrinkles already invisible nose) Ewww. What's in it?
SN: teenage cooties, HIV, the plague, and I pretty sure she has crabs.
P: peanut butter, ice cream, chocolate, and … marshmallows.
V: Why does it smell gross?
SN: She never likes to wash down there. That's just one of the reasons she smells like a pig with a vaginal disease.
P: I burnt it. Sorry, my lord.
V: Pious you realize that you are a talent less slug, and that you didn't add any pecans?
SN: You weren't talking to me?
P: Yes, my lord. I do realize that I am quite stupid.
SN: I wanna show you my pet chick slave.
ST: Yeah…stupid. No, pecans in the pecan log.
SS: Why do pronounce it peck-in?
ST: I don't know…why'd you steal my daughter?
SN: My- You stole his daughter?
SS: Yeah. You have a pet chick slave?
SN: Yes…
SS: That's psychotic!
ST: You stole his daughter.
SS: touché .Carry on with your chick slave collecting.
V :( sighs) You two are going to be such good friends…Maybe even lovers. Fingers crossed y'all. Lucius, what did you bring?
L: My lord, I brought extra deluxe chocolate chip large sized peanut butter and walnut cookies.
V: How many chocolate chips in one cookie?
L: 2,000.
V: Bella, call my dentist. How many cookies?
L: Oh… you wanted to eat them. I just have cardboard cutouts. And the script that comes with it.
V: ( his mouth is wide open) oh…my…evilness.
L: Snake face!
W: My lord, you are allergic to peanut butter.
V: ( huffs) Well, did everyone need to know that? Well you make out with your pillow.
W: Oh… You actually read my diary?
V: That's right you silly little rat. Scurry along, and don't touch my cheese.
SS: What a minute. Why do I smell burning apples?
(Everyone sniffs)
V: Oh… my…badness! Wormtail my apples crumble is burning in that muggle oven you bought me for my birthday. Fix it, or I'll Crucio so badly, you speak Swahili. Whatever that is.
SN: I pretty sure it's a pastry.
SS: Ooo. Like Canoli?
SN: Yeah, it has some kind of cream sauce and is nice and thick.
(AN: if you did not see an Italian Canoli on your mind, shame on you! Minds in the gutter)
V: Really! Nice… next time I visit Swahiliglend I'll ask for Swahili.
SS: I'm allergic to apple.
V: Oh…Severus, we were going to have a pie contest. Too bad, we can have acid pops.
Everyone: Ooo… Acid pops.
Draco: I AM NOT GOING TO EAT ACID POPS.
(Everyone looks at Draco, Fenrir starts poking the pecan log.)
F: I think it's alive.
V: Pious, did you charm your non-pecan pecan log to move?
Draco: I WILL NOT PUT ONE ACID POP INTO MY MOUTH.
Pious: Well…
V: !
SN: .
V:. Ha.
SN: I really didn't wanna do this to you , but- ! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, and wait for it
( death eaters waiting for it)
SN: HA!
V: impressive. Now, Draco, why do you hate acid pops?
D: I don't like acid. It stings.
V: Draco, usually acid burns… That's just chemistry.
SS: Chemistry? I love chemistry. And I'm not talking but emotion.
SN: You have no emotion.
SS: I do, but you know only for you.
SN: Ohhhh. ( smooches Snape)
Death Eaters: Awwwww...
B: I like chemistry. I mean what better chemistry is there than the chemistry of the heart? (Winks and blows a kiss at Voldemort, then at Sweeney who's making a cross with his fingers)
V: (shakes head, and continues on the restraint order)… And to stay four feet away from me… at all cost.
ST: And away from me…
V: Sure. And away from Sweeney.
SN: She can get close to me… I like a kinky girl.
SS: You mean like a three way?
SN: Absolutely.
SS: ( laughs evilly)
Wormtail: We have a late guest, Rodopholous Lestrange.
V: I thought you were fixing my apple crumble… why were you at the front door?
W: cheese?
V: Wormtail… (Sighs, and begins to fill out for a new mouse trap)
(Sweeney begins to take out his razor)
V: From afar.
Part 3
RL: My wife is here?
V: Sadly, yes. You know there are leash laws.
SN: Where I rule there was always a leash law.
SS: That's because there were always chicks like Bella.
RL: Oh…That's why I was here. To give her the leash.
L: Isn't that kinda kinky? Like bondage.
V: How would you know?
SN: You don't seem the naughty type.
L: Cissa, and I have a little fun every now and then.
V: I thought I was a super freak because I tie girls up.
L: Oh you are.
RL: ( ties Bellatrix to a chair.) Be good.
B: ( barks)
V: Accio Law book… " All feral dogs must be on a sixteen inch leash." It's not kinky it's a law.
RL: Absolutely.
L: Damn it.
Chapter 5, part 1
(Voldemort is examining his toenails when a door pops up in front of him. It squeaks open)
V: Le gasp. Nottingham street.
Random evil looking Muppets: Gloomy days, chasing the sun away, Muggles in bondage and revenge is sweet, can you tell me how to get , how to get to Nottingham street, can you tell me how to get , how to get to Nottingham street.
V: Eureka, I hit the mother load.
( the death eaters follow Voldy slowly into the world)
V: One small step for evil, a giant step for evilkind.
Part 2
Snape: What is that mysterious ticking noise?
Snape (mumbling): Not over here, not over there…
(Stops and looks to his left and right)
Snape: Kinda…catchy.
(Continues bobbing, and now starts talking to a beat)
Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.
Dumbledore: (pops up) Dumbledore!
Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.
Dumbledore: (pops up) Dumbledore!
(Loop continues again, and then Ron pops up)
Ron: (as Snape is talking) Ron, Ron, Ron WEASLEY!
(His loop continues as such, and after another, Hermione pops up)
Hermione: Hermione, Hermione!
(Others loop)
Hermione: Hermione! Hermione, Hermione.
(Harry pops up while Hermione joins the loop)
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, UH! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!
(Others loop)
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, UH! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, that's me!
(Looping stops)
(Back and forth, progressively faster)
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Dumbledore: DUMBLEDORE!
Hermione: Her…mione!
(Looping begins again)
Harry: Harry Potter, I'm Harry Potter.
(Others loop)
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry, Harry Potter.
(Looping stops)
All: Singing' our song, all day long at HOOOOG…WAAARTS!
Ron: I found the source of the ticking! It's a pipe bomb!
Harry and Hermione: Yayyyy!
(Dumbledore and Snape look at each other)
(Ticking stops, a huge, fake looking explosion happens.
(Voldemort pops up)
Voldemort: Muhuhuhahahaha!
(Voldemort starts tapping his wand on the stage)
Voldemort: (To the tune of The Chordettes' song Lollipop) Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy, Voldy, Voldy Voldemort!
Part 3
B: Hey Voldemort. I like your hair. It's soft and cute, and there on your head. Oh and you too Sweeney I especially love your hair. And you my sheriff-
SN: ( shivering) crabs so many crabs and bacteria.
V: I'm bald. I have like no hair at all.
B: Not even on your-
V: No!
B: I dig your baldness.
SN: Eww… she stank so bad. Eww… and she wanted me to eat it.
ST: Go away.
V: Are you still taking your meds?
B: You mean the medication I threw in the great lake?
V: You threw your meds in the great lake?
ST: (to the tune of Amazing Grace) brooding, brood, brood, brood, brood, worry, feeling sorry for me-
B: Duh. They said side effects are floating.
V: I worry about you.
ST: brood, brood, brood, brood, brood, brood, worry, feeling sorry for me-
B: He worries about me! I'm so putting this in my diary.
V: Bella, let's get something straight. I don't love you, will never love you, and prefer if you stay 100 yards away from me.
ST: I agree!
B: I still have that sock you gave me.
V: Bella, I told you I don't wear socks. I gave you a dirty napkin.
ST: She means from me, and I want my sock back.
B: But I still have that tissue I stole… from Voldemort I mean.
V: You stole a tissue… from my waste basket?
B: yep. It makes a lovely tampon.
V: You put my …in your…Please return my snot.
B: You sneezed into it? Voldemort's germs and lubrication? Bonus!
ST: Don't mind me, but I'm going to brood to a new tune.
V: I feel so dirty.
ST: (beat it tune) brooding, brooding, everyone loves my brooding, that's what makes me a memorable person, because I like brooding, brooding, brooding, brooding
V: What's next Bella? You're going to collect anything that comes from me? (Looks warily at Bella) Forget I said that.
B: Said what?
(Sweeney looks at the ceiling)
B: What are you looking at?
ST: Gum… on your ceiling. That had better not be my gum.
B: It is though.
V: How did you work that out?
B: Well, first I stole some chewed on gum from Draco's room, and swapped it with yours. I only chewed on it from a half an hour. Just to know what kind of gum you liked.
V: And you couldn't have asked him?
B: What fun is that?
V: Bella, let's review what we learned today. One, we don't and will never love you. Two, you're a nut job. In addition, three you're quite obsessive.
B: He said I was obsessive with love.
V: Bella…
B: He said my name with love.
V: I don't love you.
B: He said he doesn't love me… with love.
V :( Crucioes Bellatrix)
ST: why didn't I think of that?
B: (while screaming) He's Crucio-ing me… (Voldemort and Bella pause) with love.
V: 0-o
B: why are you so quiet poochie-face? I'm talking to Sweeney.
ST: I'm not your Poochie Face, Mr. Todd, or Pumpkin
B: Do you prefer to be called my sweet tart?
V: (Grabs Sweeney runs far as possibly away from Bellatrix, starts on a new restraint order)
B: Wait… (Runs after them) You're my honeybunch, sugarplum
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, you're my sweetie pie
SN: what about me? Save me!
Part 4
Hermione: Where can Harry be? Hmm…How do you see the clubhouse! I have an idea!
(Takes out her wand)
H: Miska Mooska Mickey Mouse
( Mickey Mouse clubhouse music)
Her: D-e-a-t-h-h E-a-t-e-r, 2xs. It's the Death Eaters Clubhouse, come inside, its fun in side; it's the Death Eater's clubhouse come inside its fun inside, roll call, Voldy
V: Here!
Her: Sweeney!
ST: Here!
Hermione: Snape!
SS: Present!
Her: And Draco!
D: Here!
(Clubhouse appears)
(Sweeney steps outside to see Hermione)
Her: Oh…That was odd. I could of tried saying "open says me" but okay.
ST: Hey, Bushy.
Her: Really?
ST: K-yep.
Her: k-yep?
ST: Yeah, I mean who else does that? Its gonna be my thang…
Her: Do you know where Harry is? I've been sitting out here waiting for Harry to come out.
ST: Harry is giving a chimpanzee a blowjob.
Her: Why is he doing that?
ST: The Dark Lord told him to. It'll only be a few minutes now. When I saw him he deep-throating.
Her: Huh. I'll come back later.
ST: Harry's honestly sucking off a chimpanzee in the basement. He really seemed to like it.
Hermione: really?
ST: yeah. Harry's one freaky guy.
Her: Okay then. Should I come around tea time?
ST: That'll be lovely.
Part 5
(Bellatrix is drawing a heart with Sweeney's name in glitter)
B: To my first pookie bear I love you with sparkles AND glitter.
V: Hey Bella. Drawing a little picture. A little picture for Mr. Todd. Picture with two people.
B: yeah. He said he'd make a deal with me. I feel so enthusiastic about this. You know sure. I00%. Absolute? Positive
V: Bella I get it. What's this deal he's asked you about
B: none of your earwax. But you don't have earwax because you don't have ears.
V: Yes I do. I just don't have a nose.
B: Alrighty nosey-boy.
V: Don't call me that, and are you rubbing his jacket against your unspeakable.
B: Yes.
V: Bella, why are you doing that?
B: Love and pleasure.
V: At least it's not my- ( notices white gunk on his robes) I feel so dirty…again.
B: I did too when I did it yesterday.
(After lunch)
ST: I'll marry you.
B/ ML: Really? ( dancing insanely) I'm gonna have his babies, I'm going to have his babies, babies, babies
ST: on one condition.
B: I'm gonna,-( stops dancing)
ST: Kill Snape -as you call him.
B: You know that Snape is also the Sheriff.
ST: Awww. I like him, he's…. fun. So kill Snape , and make sure the sheriff is happy.
B: Alright. ( back to dancing) I'm gonna have his babies.
(In Snape's room)
S: Hey, Bella. Wanna biscuit?
B: Yes-no- I mean yes, but no-I have to kill you.
SS: Why? You know at the end-
SN: ( makes obnoxious noises) I'm a fan. I haven't seen or read it. Don't ruin it for me!
SS: Fine, fine. Why do you have to kill me?
B: I wanna marry Mr. Todd. I had a whole song in the movie about me wanting to marry him.
SS: Can I pretend to be dead?
B: Hide in my closet, and hiss whenever you smell his sad, gloominess.
SS: Okay.
B: Right now I need you to gurgle and scream like you did in the movie because I mean he has to conviced.
SS What about blood?
B: I'll say I cleaned it. Scourgify.
SS: But-
B: trust me big nosed guy.
SS: (touches his nose) sure.
(Back to Mr. Todd's room)
B: Marry me now?( like an excited puppy)
ST: Yep.
B: Um…can we be a bit more formal about this?
ST: Nope.
B: I really wanna-
ST: I SAID NOPE! WITH A CAPITAL NOPE.
B: 0-o
ST: Go be a fiancé somewhere.
B: Boo-yah! Mission: Fiancé- ing.
Part 6
B: Hey Voldy.
V: Bella, aren't you married already?
B: Yeah. But I still will always love you. Although you always were into me.
V: Bella I was talking about Rodopholous.
B: Let me sing a little song for you.
(Lights dim dramatically)
B: If I were to stay, I would only be in your way-
V: Bella, I'm not affected but I think-
B: so I'll go, but I know I'll think of you every step of the way-
V: The music just changed
B: And I- will always, love you-, will always love you.
V: That's weird and this isn't a musical.
B: It can be.
V: Draco cue the dramatic lights and new title sequence.
Part 1
D: I have seen the world – well most of it-beheld its wonders from the Dardanelles- whatever they are- to the mountains of Peru, but there's nose like Voldy's.
ST: No there's nose like Voldy's.
D: Are you trying cramp my happy space?
ST: Kinda. You have no wrinkles, the world has been kind to you
D: actually I fell off my broom-
ST: shut up, and stick to the script. You will learn.
D: No! Why else do you think I dropped out of Hogwarts! To get away from learning!
ST: There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and the boogers of the world inhabit it, and its mauls-
D: Ooo. Shopping!
ST: … aren't worth what a pig could spit, and it goes by the name of Voldy.
D: I thought London was a place of lemon drops and candy filling. And hot Victoria Secret models.
ST: you thought wrong. But I did see a few chicks with some big-
D: ( Sees a building covered in snow) is that London?
ST: No, Can I finish my song?
D: Yeah.
ST: At the top of the hole sit a privileged few, making mockery of the lower zoo, turning beauty into greed , I too have sailed the world seen it's wonders for the cruelty of men is as wondrous a Peru, but there's no nose like Voldy
D: London seems less happy now. ( Sees Island were they look as if they had a war, but are smiling and passing out candy.) That almost fits your emo metaphor. Is that London?
ST: No.
D: Alright continue.
ST: There was a barber and his wife and she was beautiful.
D: does this have anything to do with you?
ST: A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful.
D: She must be extra hot.
ST: Stop drooling! And she was virtuous and he was naïve. There was another man that saw that she was beautiful, a pious
D: Like the Death Eater.
ST: Draco, I'm talking about a holy guy of the law. And with a gesture from his claw, removed the barber from his plate, then there was nothing but to wait, and she would fall so soft,
D: like cotton candy
ST: so young,
D: like me
ST: so lost,
D: like a puppy
ST: and oh so beautiful.
D: Hmm… Victoria Secret beautiful.
ST: Yeah.
D: Anything else?
ST: Oh that's London. ( Points at a island with dim lights, and gloomy gothic buildings)
D: Oh. That's-
ST: depressing.
D: Wow. Hey… I lived in London for all my life.
ST: We just did the opening to Sweeney Todd for no reason.
D: I know. Back to Harry Potter references.
Part 2- The Wedding
SN: Before I start are there any objections?
( Sweeney raises his hand)
SN: ignoring Mr. Barker.
ST: Who told you my name?
SN: People. Look I don't have thirty minutes to waste… I happen to have a wench waiting, so I'll be reading quick nuptials.
ST: Alright.
SN: Do you Nellie Lovett take – BENJAMIN BARKER!- to be your lawfully wedded husband?
NL: Well… I had my own vows written…
SN: Bella… five minutes.
NL: Benny, I knew you for all the time that screwball wife of yours was married to you. I absolutely loved you then and absolutely hate your wife. She's dumber than twin rocks, and is uglier than a baboon's behind. Look at me , I mean my boobies shame hers. And look at this ass. Grade A honey, grade A.
SN: She does have a nice ass- a Beyonce' ass. BENJAMIN BARKER!- do you take Nellie Lovett to be your lawfully wedded wife?
ST: ( nods)
SN: alright, by the power invested in state farm and safe Auto… And that guy from glee , and Morgan Freeman, and Captain jack sparrow-
ST: finish it up!
SN: Oh, and that dude from CSI Miami, the one with the shitty jokes, I pronounce you witch and weird guy. You can now kiss the bride.
ST: What about God?
SN: oh , and Him too. Kiss your bride go ahead.
ST: (shivers)
NL: come here( grabs him and kisses him)
ST: Okay, I feel so violated.
SN: So cute.
NL: song?
V: um yeah.
Part 3
NL:. Mr. Todd I'm so happy, I can eat you up I really could, do you know what I'd like to do Mr. Todd after the reception. Where I'd really like to go. In an hour or so. Don't you wanna know?
BB: Actually no.
NL: Do you really wanna know?
BB: Umm…no.
NL: By the sea, , that's the sex I covet, by the sea Mr. Todd, oh, I know you'll love it, you and me, Mr. T-
BB: Mr. T?
NL: We can fuck alone in a house that we totally own, by the sea, with our bodies smashing.
BB: I know what would be smashing , Mrs. Lovett, if someone smashed your head in a door.
NL: Baby…We're married call me Nellie.
BB: Nellie, how come you are singing this song again?
NL: Just because (singing) I Love you, yes I love you.
BB: Okay….continue
NL: Think how nice it will be underneath our flannel, when it's just you and me and the erotic channels, in our cozy retreat, it won't be tidy, a few chums join us every Friday.
BB: Every Friday.
NL: I'm a kinky girl. By the sea, do you like me in leather.
ST: You? In Latex. Oh, hell naw.
NL: by the sea; we'll have fun together, by the seaside, Ooo, by the beautiful sea.
BB: Do we have to finish the song?
NL: Yes. It'll won't be so quiet that all come by it except a seagull, Ooo ,Ooo, we shouldn't try it until it's legal for two, OUR rumpled bedding legitimized, me eyes lids a flutter the moment I mutter I do.
( music)
BB: where's that coming from?
NL: By the sea, married nice and proper, by the sea we can use your chopper, to the seaside, Ooo by the beautiful sea.
BB: By the way I hate the sea.
Part 4
V: I heard you and Bella just consummated in your marriage?
ST: Don't…wanna…talk…about…it…to…anyone.
V: Poor baby. We'll this is all we can do for this installment of SPDWONS. So next time… we'll figure out what's up with you.
ST: Don't wanna!