7Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns The Harry Potter license not me. And if you still choose to sue I will be forced to sick my evil black 5-headed fire, ice, poison, thunder, and lava-breathing dragon, Sunshine, on you!!! (I don't own Jurassic Park either!)
Authors Note: this is my first fic so it might suck. If it does don't blame me, blame inexperience (And my sister, Wicked Lee.)
Jurassic Potter!!!
It was Saturday morning august 30th. Harry, and Ron were waiting for Hermione in Diagon Alley.
Harry: She's late again! What's her excuse this time?
Ron: Why are you surprised? That bitch is late every year!
[Hermione comes from behind and slaps Ron in the back of the head]
Hermione: I'm late because I had to get this for you, you lazy bum!
[Hermione holds up a bag of pot]
Harry: Ron! Is that Pot!?!?
Ron: Well, duh, it says Pot right on the bag dumbass!
[Hermione slaps Ron]
Ron: What the Fuck was that for!?
[Hermione slaps Ron again]
Ron: Stop it you bitch!
[Hermione slaps Ron again]
Hermione: don't ever curse around a lady!
Ron: [crying]… I'm sorry.
Harry: are you two done yet? We have to get our school supplies.
The group goes to the bookshop
Manager: Oh hello everyone, come to get your books for this year?
Ron: Duh, If we weren't we wouldn't be in a fucking-
[Hermione punches Ron in the chest]
Hermione: What did I say earlier !?
Ron: I'm sorry
Manager: All right let's see what you need. Unfogging the future, immediate transfiguration, Standard book of spells grade 3, the Monster book, and Creature summons.
The manager gives everyone their books.
Manager: Hey, is that pot you have their little boy?
Ron: Yes, why the fuck do you care?
[Hermione body slams Ron through a table]
Hermione: Stop cursing!
Manager: Little boy, Pot is extremely dangerous substance. It rots your brain, can cause lung cancer, and it is extremely addictive.
Ron: Did I ask for a lecture?
Hermione: Well Ron it may be annoying but he does have a point.
Harry: all right we got our books, now lets get cake & ice cream.
Hermione: We can't now; we have to buy all our books first.
Harry: Why?
Hermione: Because I said so.
Ron: Oh yeah? Well according To Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban we get books then go for Ice cream. [Looks at Harry] Sorry Harry, but there's no cake involved.
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO[Pant,pant,ahem]OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry starts crying
They all go to Dairy Queen, and get ice cream. Suddenly Draco Malfoy comes up to Harry
Draco: Harry Potter
Harry: Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry Potter
Harry: Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry Potter
[2 hours latter]
Harry: Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry Potter
Harry: Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry Potter
[22 hours latter]
Ron: [wakes up and yawns] are they still at it
Harry: Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry potter
Hermione: Yep
Ron: Y'know the Train to hogwarts leaves in half an hour. I guess I better end this.
Ron walks up to Draco
Draco: Well if it isn't Ron Weasley, the poor boy.
Ron: Screw you! [Beats up Draco]
Harry: Thanks Ron!
Hermione: The trains about to leave, lets go
Harry: Hold up a sec. [Harry picks up a rock and throws it at the broom shop window and steals the fire bolt broom] now lets go.
The group arrives at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry
Harry and Ron go to creature summons. Their teacher was Professor Schnookie. He wore Dark blue robes similar in design to professor Snapes, with a long crimson red cape with an earring with a small dragon tooth attached. He had short black hair and thin eyelashes with red snake-like eyes.
Schnookie: Welcome 3rd years, as you all know this is creature summons. We will start this class off by pre-pairing a sanctuary for the creature blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, any questions?
Ron: I have one; can we get high in class?
Schnookie: yes you may.
Ron: Yippee!!!! [Does a happy dance]
Schnookie: Silence, you little stoner punk!
Ron proceeds to get high while the rest of the class made their sanctuaries. After awhile professor schnookie went around and checked on everyone's project and gave everyone 100 points. Even Ron's, which was merely a few markers stacked on top of one another. All except Harry's.
Schnookie: Harry, Your project sucks, you get an "F"
Harry: What the fuck? Bitch mine is one of the best in the class! If anyone's project should get an "F" it's Ron's marker stack.
Ron: Man…I'm sooooooooooo high, I have no idea was goin on.
Schnookie: Do not argue with me! [Bitch slaps Harry.] I will give you a make up assignment be here midnight tonight with Ron.
Harry: Midnight, are you insane?
Schnookie: [Bitch slaps Harry] only partially. [Walks away.]
Harry and Ron go to Professor schnookies class at midnight.
Schnookie: You're 2 seconds late! 500 points from Gryffindor. Now you're project is to use these leaves and these 55 4ft high eggs and cast a spell that will heat them up!
Harry: Wait, I thought we were going to summon monsters from the infinite beyond not make eggs hatch.
Schnookie: Silence! 1000 points taken from gryffindor! Any questions?
Ron: Yea, do these make good chronic plants?
Schnookie: No! 5000 points from gryffindor!
Harry and Ron proceed to do the assignment, although Ron stops as soon as he starts.
Harry: Ron, what's with the staling?
Ron: Shit Harry, I don't care about what the teacher says, this shit is da' bomb diggity!
Harry:….Wha???
Ron: Nothing
Ron continues to get high until Harry finishes the work. Suddenly Professor Schnookie bitch slaps Ron from behind.
Schnookie: What did I say!? I specifically said that these weren't good chronic plants! But you're to fucking stoned to realize that means no, you little stoner punk!
Ron cries while leaving with Harry. After a couple weeks the group meets up in the library.
Ron: Hermione, what happened in potions today?
Hermione: We made an Elixir that smelled like toad droppings.
Ron: Fuck, that su-
[Hermione slaps Ron]
Ron: OW! Girl, you need to lay off the slapping
Hermione: Well, you need to lay off the cursing Ron!
Harry: He's right Hermione. If you keep it up that little joke will have been played out by chapter 2!!!
Hermione: No Ron's little pot addiction would've played out!
Ron: Fuck you, you whiny little bitch!
Harry: Stop fighting you two!
Ron & Hermione: Go to hell!!!
They both punch Harry in the nose and continue to beat him up until a loud roar shook the library, which was shortly followed by screams from the students.
Hermione: What was that?
Ron: I don't know
Harry: Why don't we go check it out?
They all exit the library and Harry Takes out the invisibility cloak but are stopped by Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry Potter
Harry: Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry Potter
Harry: Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry Potter
Harry: Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry Potter
Harry: Draco Malfoy
Draco: Harry—
Suddenly Draco Gets scooped up in the jaws of a 50 ft high tyrannosaurus that swallows Draco in one gulp.
Harry: Oh Snap!
Ron: Big Lizard! Big Lizard! Big Lizard!
They all run back into the library and lock the door.
Hermione: Seriously, how do you think that a 10lb door will hold up against a 1,00lb dinosaur?
Harry: WELL USE A FREAKIN SPELL OR SOMETHING!!! WHY DO YOU THINK WE TAKE CLASSES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron slaps Harry
Ron: Pull it together man! What we need to do is find professor Dumbledor before that big lizard that just broke through the door and is standing right beside me breathing heavily and drooling………eat's…us… ah crap.
Harry Ron and Hermione run out the back door screaming like little girls. They eventually reach Professor Dumbledore's office.
Hermione: Dang He's not here.
Harry: HE'S GONE, HE'S GONE!!! THEY GOT HIM! HE'S DEAD!!!!
Hermione: Calm down Harry, I'm sure Dumbledor's all right.
Harry: HE'S DEAD, HE'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: Harry, I know how ya feel. Try some of this [hands Harry a small bag of pot] this will make ya feel goood.
Harry gets high and quickly calms down
Harry: All right, first off: 1.What the hell was that
2. How did it get here?
And 3…there is no 3
Hermione: [Slaps Harry] Hell is a curse word Harry! And that was obviously a Tyrannosaurus-rex
Harry: [while rubbing cheek] a tyransrarus?
Ron: No a Tiranosirius-rexus
Harry: wait, she said teranosoros
Ron: she said tyranny testa Rosa
Hermione: I said…
Suddenly the dinosaur's gigantic head busted through the floor attempting to catch one of them in its gigantic jaw. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all scream and jump up on a desk.
Ron: Do something Hermione!
Hermione: Like what !?
Ron: I don't know, you're the smart one!
Hermione: Not really, I always use a cheat sheet!
Harry: Goddammit! Wnguardium Leviosa!!!
Suddenly the spell pulls the t-rex through the floor completely into the room. The T-rex lunges and manages to tear off Hermione's cloak. Hermione froze with anger and screamed every-swear word imaginable. First she pile drived it through the floor and proceeded to bitch slap it down the hallway. Harry and Ron ran down the stairs as fast as they could nearly tripping over each other just to get a glance. After that she swung it around by its tail and threw it outside. She grabbed a large flagpole and started beating the creature down. And finished him of by shoving her wand up it's ass and shouting Lacarnum Inflamare (The fire spell) which sent it running towards crystal lake. Harry stood there while Ron (who got high during the fight) took pictures of the half-naked Hermione.
Harry: Wow, Hermione…I never knew you had it in you.
Ron: [Pointing] Ha ha, look at the tities!
Hermione grabbed her robe angrily while Ron continued to get high.
Back at the gryffindor common room.
Harry: How did that monster get here?
Hermione: A better question would be how is it alive? It's species has been dead for millions of years.
Ron: Who cares, fuck this shit. I'm getting high.
Ron starts to pull a leaf out his pocket only to be slapped by Hermione for cursing.
Ron: OW! Don't you think you're over reacting?
Harry observes the leaf and immediately remembers where it's from.
Harry: I know where it's from! Professor Schnookie!
Hermione: Schnookie?
Harry: Schnookie, Professor Schnookie made Ron and me do this make-up assignment, which involved incubating giant eggs.
Hermione: Are you sure that's where they're from?
Harry: It has to be.
Hermione: How many eggs were there?
Harry: …………….55.
Hermione: …..
Ron:weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.